Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Over the last several years I have started and stopped my "journey" to a better be numerous times. I've fallen down, picked myself up and lost myself so many times I've lost count. I've struggled, punished myself, undeservedly rewarded myself, rewarded myself, lost my faith, found it, lost it again, hurt others, hurt myself, embraced my losses and straight mourned instead of learning to deal with them. I've cheated myself and others. I've lied to myself and others. I pretended to be something I'm just not, something I yearn to be, but never put forth the effort to actually be. I destroyed and ended a marriage by not seeking help when I really needed it. I'm hurting my current relationship because of my inner struggle. I've spent countless hours telling myself what a horrible person I must be. That I am a bad, terrible person who disregards not only others, but myself. I do just as much damage to the ones who love me as I do myself. The truth is I'm not those things. I've just made mistakes. I've taken steps off the path laid out before me.. and that's OK. Sometimes getting lost isn't all that bad. I wish I had known that when I was beating myself up over it.
I had to have several relapses and mental break downs and I'm only just now seeing myself for who I am and long to be. It's funny how we aren't just automatically how we intend. That something that should require no effort, takes work. I'm learning not everything is easy. That when I see all the bad things about me and all my mistakes and struggles, someone who loves me shows me all the things I should love about me, that my mistakes are just ways that I am learning and growing. That my flaws are me. I may not be perfect, but I am me and it's ok to struggle and have lapses in judgement, because we can't always think clearly. That if I need to forgive myself and love myself because I am the one who lives inside my head. You think you stop growing once you reach adulthood. You don't. We are always learning and growing as people. How we see things isn't always how others see them.
My "journey" that I've so desperately been trying to climb back onto, never stopped. I'm learning that I can't cling to things that were. It's fine to have memories, but wanting to get back to where I was at points in my past is not reality. I will never be that person or in that place that I was at any point in my past. Just like tomorrow I will have grown a little more. It's also not just about weight loss and getting healthier. It's spirituality, not religion based. It's just me. As a whole. The entire package.
I've never taken the time to love myself, I've always hated and appreciated my appearance. "Such a pretty face." If I had a dime for every time... ugh. If you've ever seen the videos I've done on youtube or the pictures I've taken of myself, I look 180lbs. Not the 340 that I am currently rocking. Which, is significantly less than the 401 I weighed in summer of 2005. I absolutely cannot keep beating myself up over not doing something or doing something wrong or not enough etc.
I have BPD. Ever since I was 10 I remember feeling things so intensely I thought something was wrong with me. I started cutting on Mothers day that year. At 14 I wished I was dead and attempted it several times. At 16 I was pregnant and cared so much about the life inside of me that it kept me from feeling that way as well as keeping me terrified. The entire pregnancy was hidden. At the very end of it, I felt it again. It grew from there and they treated me for PPD. Dealing with a baby is stressful as an adult, it's harder as a child because you also take on extra responsibility and critism that you normally wouldn't. I destroyed that relationship too and it turned into a horror story. I gained the majority of my weight while hiding the pregnancy. I've struggled every day with it since. My daughter is almost 13. With BPD all it takes is one bad thought to spin a web so thick and intricate that I can't recover for several days. It's the worst at night when I lay awake wondering why I bother to continue with my life. If I am THAT miserable, what is the point of living. When I'm in silence and forced to think about everything that I've done. When I can hear myself judging me in my head. Judge. Jury. Executioner. It's hard to want nothing more than to be with someone and have their arms around you and at the exact same moment you hate them and can't stand to be near them. For the dumbest reasons. Nothing in the world should make you want to push someone who cares and loves you so much they'd do anything for you away. That is BPD. When I am happy I am high as a kite. I am floating on clouds and enjoying everything. But then someone will say something or i'll say something and someone will take it the wrong way. I'm done for. I come crashing down so hard I bust through every layer beneath my feet and find myself in hell. It's that easy and that intense. Since I was 10. It can't be treated with medication. Just therapy and sensory type therapy kits. Positivity. Love. Holding me when I want to run away. That's how I've handled everything in my life. It's tough, I run away. I can't do that anymore. This last time, set me in the worst place I think I have ever been mentally. It's taken me these last 5 months just to recover enough to get on my feet again. I think my previous blog posts have shown enough of my ups and downs. Reading through my journals shows the same. It's hard and I'm learning to control myself.
The reality is that I can't go backwards, I can only move forward. I can't keep holding on to things that were and hope they replace the present. Not possible. I am exactly who I am and I can't change -that-, I can only grow and learn to love and appreciate myself in ways that I should. I can't change other people. Just like me, they are who they are. I can accept and love or move around them, but I will always have to deal with the jerks as well as the blessings. No matter how miserable I am capable of feeling, I have love in my life. I have good in my life. I may not have everything I want and sometimes I can barely make ends meet, but I have what I need to support and survive. I am beautiful on the inside even on days that I feel ugly. I am talented. I have a big and overly compassionate heart. I'm not the smartest, but I learn every single day that passes. Whether you have God or some other belief in your life, it's something. It's there. It doesn't matter what it is, but it's inside of you. It's inside of me. Sometimes it's buried deep, but it's always with me. youtu.be/JeaYBRt0Vqg
Monday, July 29, 2013
So I'm no longer where I was before in many ways. I struggled, suffered and let myself be broken over the years. I was held back and even though the best was wanted for me, it just wasn't allowed. Good intentions aren't always good. I left Chicago and my husband recently. There were a lot of issues and a lot of heartache, but ultimately I fell out of love with him a long time ago and more recently in love with someone else. I never thought I'd be that person, but I am what I am. Most importantly I'm me. I needed to focus on loving myself and who I am before I could continue putting everything into my family. I was told that my wants were just a fantasy world. Things aren't like that in the real world. That I would go out there and be on my own and find that I was sorely mistaken and come crawling back. That just made me angry. I have a right to have dreams, they don't have to turn out exactly as I planned as long as I get to where I need to be. I deserve to be happy and healthy. I deserve someone who wants to do things with me as much as I want to with them. Everyone deserves to be happy, but most of all be happy with themselves. I didn't think that was so much to ask. To be independent and strong.
He couldn't take that I wanted to leave or that I might be leaving him for another person. Twice in the last few months he tried to commit suicide. Most recently on July 4th. While he was losing his mind on his benedryl trip in front of our daughters... going through all the motions of an OD, I took him to the ER. I left him there. I packed up my children and we went on our scheduled vacation as planned for 2 days from then. We just left early. My family was afraid.. I was afraid. We stayed. I'm now in Georgia. It's been almost a month of insanity, torture and mental warfare. While in Florida he started disabling my phone. Threatening me because I didn't answer his calls or texts. He placed pleading sobbing phone calls to me. To my sister. To my family. He accused my daughter of being me on her phone so that I wouldn't have to talk to him. A weekend later he tried to strand us on a road trip. He canceled my phone and my daughters and emptied my bank account.
Every day has been a new emotion until recently. He's barely talked to me for several days and while this is comforting it's also devastating. It's hard being close to someone for so long (regardless of the type of relationship) and having them suddenly disappear from your life. I wanted to be out of the relationship, but I didn't expect him to withdraw completely. It hurt more with him telling me for weeks prior that if I was going to leaving to just take the kids with me. Because he didn't want them if he couldn't have me. Then telling me he doesn't love them as much as he does me. He knows he should, but doesn't. Then denying responsibility for my older daughter who he has raised with me since she was 2. Now he accuses me of punishing them by taking them from him. He was almost always mean and condescending towards them. He ignored them constantly. He says he misses them, I'm sure he does. My son misses him too. All of us do to an extent, but that's not worth going back to. He's only requested to see them for 2 weeks a year. I would have fought tooth and nail for as much time as possible.
I'm lucky to have the amazing support I do from my family and my love, but I still feel broken in all of this. It's been traumatizing to say the least. I didn't ask for the insanity, but I should have expected it.
For years I felt like I was trapped inside myself and unable to make changes and move forward. There's a huge difference in my blog posts from day one to now. I needed to change myself drastically inside and out and I'm doing that now. Since I left, through all the craziness and insanity, I am less stressed. My situation is difficult right now, but things are ok. I know they're going to be ok. I feel good about myself, even dealing with my emotional issues. I've lost 16lbs and counting just since July 4th. I'm making changes and actually for once starting fresh instead of just saying I was going to. I feel free, but lost at the same time. I'm hoping to find my way soon.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
(Sept 22, 2012 w/ my sister-right)
Spring is here and for the first time since losing both my parents, I'm back. I feel good about myself, I feel like I can move forward with my life. I may have made bad choices in the recent past, but they've helped me through hard times.
I met someone who helped me realize that I was on the wrong path, in the wrong mind set and helped me find myself again. Once again I'm back to my beliefs and faith. I feel like that is the largest stepping stone I can have. My life preserver in an ocean of doubts. I need not to rely so much on other people as I do myself. It's nice to have cheerleaders, but they aren't necessary. They make the journey a little more enjoyable because you can share your successes. I have that, but I just need me and to follow through.
I do have high blood pressure again, but I'm working out 5-6 days a week and setting small goals. My first larger goal is set to end August 31st of this year. If I make it then that is fantastic. If I don't I'll still know that I tried and keep pushing forward. I love myself even when I'm struggling. Some days I spiral so far down I can't see the surface, but I know it's there. It's also nice knowing that the man I love is trying to pull me out no matter how deep I sink.
Anyways, I just wanted to say that I feel better than I have in a long time. Struggles and all, I'm back.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Well. First I want to say thank you all for the birthday wishes.
Second I have to say I was just laying in bed (which I'm still doing) in a trailer outside my in laws thinking about how I went from leading an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle to changing everything and going balls to the wall crazy with life changes. Then back to my original situation. So much has happened and changed in the last few years I have lost track of who I am and what I should be doing with my life.
I started my journey with the loss of my Mom. It pushed me to better myself and to try and break the cycle. Dying from suffering due to weight related illnesses does terrify me. I struggled with whether or not it did for a while, but it was just the cloud over my head casting shadows. That appeared when I lost my Dad in March 2011. Since then I sank into a depression so deep I semi made up my own world. Everything around me suffered because of this. My marriage, my family, my home and myself. I flew off the handle. I did things I regret and can't take back. Now I have to live with my mistakes for the rest of my life. I'm terrified of that being a short amount of time.
I had changed my entire outlook on life to try and surround myself with positive, but I lost my way. I had strep throat 2 weeks ago and the joint pain from the fever was in my shoulder blades. I honesty thought I Was going to have a heart attack at 28 and die. I started crying in front of my husband and thoughts of making sure I was properly dressed at 4am crossed my mind incase I suffered a massive heart attack in my sleep. It seems like a silly thing to think
Of, but I didn't want to embarrass myself or my husband by my size even after death. After I found out I was just sick I knew how ridiculous it was and how I shouldn't be afraid of such traumatic things at my age! No 28 year old should be worried about dying like that!
I have been just beneath the surface of myself for so long that I can't stand to not break through for another day. I can't take another day. I lost Control of myself again somewhere along the line. I'm never honest with myself and they say on everything that you only hurt yourself. Well that's not true. It does hurt others in the things you can't do with them. In the things I can't do with my children. With my husband. For myself.
I've always set realistic unrealistic goals for myself. Things that I can do and then just don't. It was easier and more enjoyable not to do anything because I couldn't see the big picture from so far away. I wanted to lose 30lbs by September 22nd. I set that goal back in march. It was an easy to reach goal and I gave up after day one every time. My dieting history has been a series of day one failures. How can I tell my children that their goals in life are achievable if I'm not willing to try to achieve my own. If all I ever do is give up.
I said September 22nd because that is the day (next week) that my baby brother is getting married. I'm a bridesmaid. I had to order the largest size dress and have the bottom let out. Its embarrassing, but I'm so confused at the same time. Everything tells us that we should be thin for our health. Then everything else says we should be proud of our bodies no matter what size and shape we are. I'm embarrassed about my size, but I'm supposed to be confident about my curves? I struggle with body image. I Want to be healthy, but I really Want to be sexy. I literally have 5000 pictures on my phone. Because I take that many just to make myself feel better. I look AMAZING from particular angles and no one would ever think I was more than 180lbs tops when in reality I'm 180 more. Why do I have to fool myself and others into thinking I'm something I'm not, but should be? My self esteem is so Low that even though I myself am married, I seek the compliments of other men. This makes me feel like dirt even though my hubby understands it. That is hard for me to admit, but there that is.
My little brother started this journey with me back in 2010. He looks amazing today and I am so darn proud of him. He went from living in my parents basement and gaming all night to working, losing a ton of weight and meeting an amazing girl that I am proud to have as a sister in law this next Saturday. It makes me wonder where I went wrong with my own path. And I know where and how.
The contest I was in was so taxing and hard for me to be part of. Having someone accuse you of lying in your food journal because you didn't lose more weight and then making you run stairs as punishment was emotionally devestating. They do wonderful things for people at that gym, bug for myself doing it through their contest was maybe too much. Although it was rewarding because of The experience and knowledge I gained. I'm grateful for that. Anyways, after the contest I took a break. Then I joined WW. It got cold out and I quit. I started putting some weight on and asked my former trainer to help. She obliged an I didn't call again after the work out. I stayed indoors and barely did a thing. Occasionally I'd play a wii game or go to the Y. By summer id gained 20 of the 70lbs I lost back. So I got EA active 2. I worked my butt off but only lost 6lbs. That discouraged me. So I stopped. I tried just dance 2 for a while and then went to Leslie neilson's WATP DVDs and at home beginners yoga.
This is when my physical problems started. I don't know what or how. I broke my hip when I was 10. (previous blog) I had the joint repaired, but it grew deformed. For some reason during these DVDs my hip would start to ache. After half a year of intensive training. I stopped doing the DVDs and just tried to take it easy, but the pain kept getting worse and worse. It was awful. My hip would dislocate and cause intense pain and I was scared it was breaking again. I had X-rays done.
I'm just fat.
My weight finally started causing my hip to pop out of socket. It sounds like if you were to smack two pool balls together under water. Now my right hip is popping. Its been a year since that started happening and I'm used to it mostly. Some weeks are far more uncomfortable. Even now, moving in bed my hips both just popped. I've gained all but 20lbs back. I've spent the last year gaming, sleeping, suffering from depression and insomnia. Insomnia because I lay awake at night knowing exactly what I need to do to change my life and lacking the push to do it. I go to bed thinking tomorrow will be the day I change because I want it so badly... And then i sleep forever and wake up and say tomorrow. I go all day knowing what I should be doing and keep doing what I know is holding me back.
Life is a privilege. You only get one and it's yours to care for. I was trusted with the job to care for this one life and I am letting my "disability" drain every bit away from me. I say disability because it's my inability to make healthy choices for myself. My husband enables me. It's too convenient to order something loaded with fat, calories, sugar and sodium than to take the time to cook.
I feel like the lyrics "angel on my shoulder, but the devils on my mind". I know the right thing and enjoy the wrong things so much I ignore the right things.
So. I know so much and can't put it into action, laying here awake wondering why I'm
Not changing and I keep getting inbox alerts from Sparkpeople. So many comments on my spark page. I decided to check it out.
"Happy Birthday, Kittany!!"
So the third thing. It's not my Birthday. It was August 14th not September, but it made me realize once again that I really need the support of other people in order to succeed. I need somewhere to vent where people understand. I need a friend. I need someone to help me until my habits are broken and new ones are formed. I need to change my life again and the only way to do it is to have support right now. Seeing all the messages showed me that I have an Internet family waiting for me to get to know them and tell them about my struggles and successes. Today isnt my Birthday. It's my re-birthday. Because if I don't change now I may wait until its too late. Happy Un-Birthday.. No Re-Birthday to me. Facing my inner struggles is the only way for me to power through these walls I've put up. It's not fair for me to put the entire weight of my journey on everyone else, but if anyone is willing to be there for me, to help guide me, I'm here and I am willing.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
This is a photo of my hips (With my jeans on, I don't have an internal zipper lol). I have mentioned before I am limited to what I can do based on my previous hip break when I was 10. A growth plate slipped and severed the ball portion of my hip joint almost completely off. A screw/pin was the solution. Well, it's been 17 years since then (almost exactly) and my age and weight is officially a bad combination. There is no surgery they will do at my weight (which is only one, they won't do a hip replacement on a 20 something unless it's medically necessary.. it's not in my case).
The left hip is the one with the pin. The ball portion of the joint isn't actually a ball like the right one. It's more of a bean/oval shape and enlarged. It's deformed because when it broke I was still growing. It just grew that way. Basically because of that it doesn't rotate in the socket like a normal hip would and because I'm heavier and getting older it's now officially causing me pain. Since late this summer it has been popping in and out of socket and left me wondering if it had been broken or fractured or maybe even the pin was coming out somehow. It's none of those. The weight baring on that misshapen joint is causing it to pop in and out and rotate even harsher than before. Because of this I can't participate in normal fitness anymore. I'm no longer supposed to even use regular walking as fitness now. Instead they want me doing strictly water aerobics and stationary bicycling. I don't have a stationary one. It took us 6 months just to be able to afford a down payment for a new van (which I love, we got it yesterday) and even then we had to borrow money to do that! Not to mention my dog needs ear surgery on both ears equal to $3000! So I am hoping to find someone giving away a nice stationary that will support me soon. Because it hurts and I'm scared.
Ironic that I say I'm truly scared now when the death of my parents wasn't quite enough. I'm also beginning to think my blogs are a little bipolar. I'm clearly struggling and recognize it, but keep giving up. I think if anything... this is enough now. I've also noticed that my back is getting bad... my posture etc. from carrying so much in the front.
I'm going to attend a seminar for WLS again. I'm leaning more towards this now because of the situation and the immediate need for loss. At least this will give me 6 months to fully decide if I should or can go through with it. I'm also hoping that if I go my insurance will consider my hip issue in making their decision for coverage. I hate that it's at this point, but walking is now painful. I'm going to be 27 and using a CANE until then. I find it hard to believe that just 2 years ago I was working out 5-6 days a week.. and hard. Now I have issues going up the stairs because of the pain/popping. I don't want to do that anymore.
So back to the main topic, the hip. The Ortho surgeon said that there is a surgery they can do, but he doesn't recommend it. You'll notice on the picture that there are 3 lines through my pelvic bone near my left hip (the hip marked L at the top of the photo). This surgery would break my pelvic bone in those 3 places in order to shift my hip joint to fit the deformed ball joint. However even if he did recommend it, they won't even SEE me while I'm this weight. It's too difficult and recovery would be insane because of how much weight will be on it. THAT is scary. Also hurtful emotionally. I knew they were going to mention my weight. They were super nice so I can't say they had bedside manner.. it was just the truth. And like everyone says sometimes the truth hurts. Emotionally and physically. When you think you don't need someone else to say it, because you already know, you do. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone elses mouth to motivate you.
I really wish there were people close by that would be willing to do this with me, but as I'm limited that's really all there is. I joined WW's again this summer and it was so uncomfortable because I just felt like I didn't belong. I want to belong, but I just feel like even though I reach out, no one is there to take my hand.
So I need to be very serious now and restart my journey. I am going on vacation come this Thursday so I will try my best to eat wisely and be careful in my movement. :)
Waiting to hear everyones thoughts and suggestions!
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