Monday, July 29, 2013
So I'm no longer where I was before in many ways. I struggled, suffered and let myself be broken over the years. I was held back and even though the best was wanted for me, it just wasn't allowed. Good intentions aren't always good. I left Chicago and my husband recently. There were a lot of issues and a lot of heartache, but ultimately I fell out of love with him a long time ago and more recently in love with someone else. I never thought I'd be that person, but I am what I am. Most importantly I'm me. I needed to focus on loving myself and who I am before I could continue putting everything into my family. I was told that my wants were just a fantasy world. Things aren't like that in the real world. That I would go out there and be on my own and find that I was sorely mistaken and come crawling back. That just made me angry. I have a right to have dreams, they don't have to turn out exactly as I planned as long as I get to where I need to be. I deserve to be happy and healthy. I deserve someone who wants to do things with me as much as I want to with them. Everyone deserves to be happy, but most of all be happy with themselves. I didn't think that was so much to ask. To be independent and strong.
He couldn't take that I wanted to leave or that I might be leaving him for another person. Twice in the last few months he tried to commit suicide. Most recently on July 4th. While he was losing his mind on his benedryl trip in front of our daughters... going through all the motions of an OD, I took him to the ER. I left him there. I packed up my children and we went on our scheduled vacation as planned for 2 days from then. We just left early. My family was afraid.. I was afraid. We stayed. I'm now in Georgia. It's been almost a month of insanity, torture and mental warfare. While in Florida he started disabling my phone. Threatening me because I didn't answer his calls or texts. He placed pleading sobbing phone calls to me. To my sister. To my family. He accused my daughter of being me on her phone so that I wouldn't have to talk to him. A weekend later he tried to strand us on a road trip. He canceled my phone and my daughters and emptied my bank account.
Every day has been a new emotion until recently. He's barely talked to me for several days and while this is comforting it's also devastating. It's hard being close to someone for so long (regardless of the type of relationship) and having them suddenly disappear from your life. I wanted to be out of the relationship, but I didn't expect him to withdraw completely. It hurt more with him telling me for weeks prior that if I was going to leaving to just take the kids with me. Because he didn't want them if he couldn't have me. Then telling me he doesn't love them as much as he does me. He knows he should, but doesn't. Then denying responsibility for my older daughter who he has raised with me since she was 2. Now he accuses me of punishing them by taking them from him. He was almost always mean and condescending towards them. He ignored them constantly. He says he misses them, I'm sure he does. My son misses him too. All of us do to an extent, but that's not worth going back to. He's only requested to see them for 2 weeks a year. I would have fought tooth and nail for as much time as possible.
I'm lucky to have the amazing support I do from my family and my love, but I still feel broken in all of this. It's been traumatizing to say the least. I didn't ask for the insanity, but I should have expected it.
For years I felt like I was trapped inside myself and unable to make changes and move forward. There's a huge difference in my blog posts from day one to now. I needed to change myself drastically inside and out and I'm doing that now. Since I left, through all the craziness and insanity, I am less stressed. My situation is difficult right now, but things are ok. I know they're going to be ok. I feel good about myself, even dealing with my emotional issues. I've lost 16lbs and counting just since July 4th. I'm making changes and actually for once starting fresh instead of just saying I was going to. I feel free, but lost at the same time. I'm hoping to find my way soon.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
(Sept 22, 2012 w/ my sister-right)
Spring is here and for the first time since losing both my parents, I'm back. I feel good about myself, I feel like I can move forward with my life. I may have made bad choices in the recent past, but they've helped me through hard times.
I met someone who helped me realize that I was on the wrong path, in the wrong mind set and helped me find myself again. Once again I'm back to my beliefs and faith. I feel like that is the largest stepping stone I can have. My life preserver in an ocean of doubts. I need not to rely so much on other people as I do myself. It's nice to have cheerleaders, but they aren't necessary. They make the journey a little more enjoyable because you can share your successes. I have that, but I just need me and to follow through.
I do have high blood pressure again, but I'm working out 5-6 days a week and setting small goals. My first larger goal is set to end August 31st of this year. If I make it then that is fantastic. If I don't I'll still know that I tried and keep pushing forward. I love myself even when I'm struggling. Some days I spiral so far down I can't see the surface, but I know it's there. It's also nice knowing that the man I love is trying to pull me out no matter how deep I sink.
Anyways, I just wanted to say that I feel better than I have in a long time. Struggles and all, I'm back.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Well. First I want to say thank you all for the birthday wishes.
Second I have to say I was just laying in bed (which I'm still doing) in a trailer outside my in laws thinking about how I went from leading an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle to changing everything and going balls to the wall crazy with life changes. Then back to my original situation. So much has happened and changed in the last few years I have lost track of who I am and what I should be doing with my life.
I started my journey with the loss of my Mom. It pushed me to better myself and to try and break the cycle. Dying from suffering due to weight related illnesses does terrify me. I struggled with whether or not it did for a while, but it was just the cloud over my head casting shadows. That appeared when I lost my Dad in March 2011. Since then I sank into a depression so deep I semi made up my own world. Everything around me suffered because of this. My marriage, my family, my home and myself. I flew off the handle. I did things I regret and can't take back. Now I have to live with my mistakes for the rest of my life. I'm terrified of that being a short amount of time.
I had changed my entire outlook on life to try and surround myself with positive, but I lost my way. I had strep throat 2 weeks ago and the joint pain from the fever was in my shoulder blades. I honesty thought I Was going to have a heart attack at 28 and die. I started crying in front of my husband and thoughts of making sure I was properly dressed at 4am crossed my mind incase I suffered a massive heart attack in my sleep. It seems like a silly thing to think
Of, but I didn't want to embarrass myself or my husband by my size even after death. After I found out I was just sick I knew how ridiculous it was and how I shouldn't be afraid of such traumatic things at my age! No 28 year old should be worried about dying like that!
I have been just beneath the surface of myself for so long that I can't stand to not break through for another day. I can't take another day. I lost Control of myself again somewhere along the line. I'm never honest with myself and they say on everything that you only hurt yourself. Well that's not true. It does hurt others in the things you can't do with them. In the things I can't do with my children. With my husband. For myself.
I've always set realistic unrealistic goals for myself. Things that I can do and then just don't. It was easier and more enjoyable not to do anything because I couldn't see the big picture from so far away. I wanted to lose 30lbs by September 22nd. I set that goal back in march. It was an easy to reach goal and I gave up after day one every time. My dieting history has been a series of day one failures. How can I tell my children that their goals in life are achievable if I'm not willing to try to achieve my own. If all I ever do is give up.
I said September 22nd because that is the day (next week) that my baby brother is getting married. I'm a bridesmaid. I had to order the largest size dress and have the bottom let out. Its embarrassing, but I'm so confused at the same time. Everything tells us that we should be thin for our health. Then everything else says we should be proud of our bodies no matter what size and shape we are. I'm embarrassed about my size, but I'm supposed to be confident about my curves? I struggle with body image. I Want to be healthy, but I really Want to be sexy. I literally have 5000 pictures on my phone. Because I take that many just to make myself feel better. I look AMAZING from particular angles and no one would ever think I was more than 180lbs tops when in reality I'm 180 more. Why do I have to fool myself and others into thinking I'm something I'm not, but should be? My self esteem is so Low that even though I myself am married, I seek the compliments of other men. This makes me feel like dirt even though my hubby understands it. That is hard for me to admit, but there that is.
My little brother started this journey with me back in 2010. He looks amazing today and I am so darn proud of him. He went from living in my parents basement and gaming all night to working, losing a ton of weight and meeting an amazing girl that I am proud to have as a sister in law this next Saturday. It makes me wonder where I went wrong with my own path. And I know where and how.
The contest I was in was so taxing and hard for me to be part of. Having someone accuse you of lying in your food journal because you didn't lose more weight and then making you run stairs as punishment was emotionally devestating. They do wonderful things for people at that gym, bug for myself doing it through their contest was maybe too much. Although it was rewarding because of The experience and knowledge I gained. I'm grateful for that. Anyways, after the contest I took a break. Then I joined WW. It got cold out and I quit. I started putting some weight on and asked my former trainer to help. She obliged an I didn't call again after the work out. I stayed indoors and barely did a thing. Occasionally I'd play a wii game or go to the Y. By summer id gained 20 of the 70lbs I lost back. So I got EA active 2. I worked my butt off but only lost 6lbs. That discouraged me. So I stopped. I tried just dance 2 for a while and then went to Leslie neilson's WATP DVDs and at home beginners yoga.
This is when my physical problems started. I don't know what or how. I broke my hip when I was 10. (previous blog) I had the joint repaired, but it grew deformed. For some reason during these DVDs my hip would start to ache. After half a year of intensive training. I stopped doing the DVDs and just tried to take it easy, but the pain kept getting worse and worse. It was awful. My hip would dislocate and cause intense pain and I was scared it was breaking again. I had X-rays done.
I'm just fat.
My weight finally started causing my hip to pop out of socket. It sounds like if you were to smack two pool balls together under water. Now my right hip is popping. Its been a year since that started happening and I'm used to it mostly. Some weeks are far more uncomfortable. Even now, moving in bed my hips both just popped. I've gained all but 20lbs back. I've spent the last year gaming, sleeping, suffering from depression and insomnia. Insomnia because I lay awake at night knowing exactly what I need to do to change my life and lacking the push to do it. I go to bed thinking tomorrow will be the day I change because I want it so badly... And then i sleep forever and wake up and say tomorrow. I go all day knowing what I should be doing and keep doing what I know is holding me back.
Life is a privilege. You only get one and it's yours to care for. I was trusted with the job to care for this one life and I am letting my "disability" drain every bit away from me. I say disability because it's my inability to make healthy choices for myself. My husband enables me. It's too convenient to order something loaded with fat, calories, sugar and sodium than to take the time to cook.
I feel like the lyrics "angel on my shoulder, but the devils on my mind". I know the right thing and enjoy the wrong things so much I ignore the right things.
So. I know so much and can't put it into action, laying here awake wondering why I'm
Not changing and I keep getting inbox alerts from Sparkpeople. So many comments on my spark page. I decided to check it out.
"Happy Birthday, Kittany!!"
So the third thing. It's not my Birthday. It was August 14th not September, but it made me realize once again that I really need the support of other people in order to succeed. I need somewhere to vent where people understand. I need a friend. I need someone to help me until my habits are broken and new ones are formed. I need to change my life again and the only way to do it is to have support right now. Seeing all the messages showed me that I have an Internet family waiting for me to get to know them and tell them about my struggles and successes. Today isnt my Birthday. It's my re-birthday. Because if I don't change now I may wait until its too late. Happy Un-Birthday.. No Re-Birthday to me. Facing my inner struggles is the only way for me to power through these walls I've put up. It's not fair for me to put the entire weight of my journey on everyone else, but if anyone is willing to be there for me, to help guide me, I'm here and I am willing.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
This is a photo of my hips (With my jeans on, I don't have an internal zipper lol). I have mentioned before I am limited to what I can do based on my previous hip break when I was 10. A growth plate slipped and severed the ball portion of my hip joint almost completely off. A screw/pin was the solution. Well, it's been 17 years since then (almost exactly) and my age and weight is officially a bad combination. There is no surgery they will do at my weight (which is only one, they won't do a hip replacement on a 20 something unless it's medically necessary.. it's not in my case).
The left hip is the one with the pin. The ball portion of the joint isn't actually a ball like the right one. It's more of a bean/oval shape and enlarged. It's deformed because when it broke I was still growing. It just grew that way. Basically because of that it doesn't rotate in the socket like a normal hip would and because I'm heavier and getting older it's now officially causing me pain. Since late this summer it has been popping in and out of socket and left me wondering if it had been broken or fractured or maybe even the pin was coming out somehow. It's none of those. The weight baring on that misshapen joint is causing it to pop in and out and rotate even harsher than before. Because of this I can't participate in normal fitness anymore. I'm no longer supposed to even use regular walking as fitness now. Instead they want me doing strictly water aerobics and stationary bicycling. I don't have a stationary one. It took us 6 months just to be able to afford a down payment for a new van (which I love, we got it yesterday) and even then we had to borrow money to do that! Not to mention my dog needs ear surgery on both ears equal to $3000! So I am hoping to find someone giving away a nice stationary that will support me soon. Because it hurts and I'm scared.
Ironic that I say I'm truly scared now when the death of my parents wasn't quite enough. I'm also beginning to think my blogs are a little bipolar. I'm clearly struggling and recognize it, but keep giving up. I think if anything... this is enough now. I've also noticed that my back is getting bad... my posture etc. from carrying so much in the front.
I'm going to attend a seminar for WLS again. I'm leaning more towards this now because of the situation and the immediate need for loss. At least this will give me 6 months to fully decide if I should or can go through with it. I'm also hoping that if I go my insurance will consider my hip issue in making their decision for coverage. I hate that it's at this point, but walking is now painful. I'm going to be 27 and using a CANE until then. I find it hard to believe that just 2 years ago I was working out 5-6 days a week.. and hard. Now I have issues going up the stairs because of the pain/popping. I don't want to do that anymore.
So back to the main topic, the hip. The Ortho surgeon said that there is a surgery they can do, but he doesn't recommend it. You'll notice on the picture that there are 3 lines through my pelvic bone near my left hip (the hip marked L at the top of the photo). This surgery would break my pelvic bone in those 3 places in order to shift my hip joint to fit the deformed ball joint. However even if he did recommend it, they won't even SEE me while I'm this weight. It's too difficult and recovery would be insane because of how much weight will be on it. THAT is scary. Also hurtful emotionally. I knew they were going to mention my weight. They were super nice so I can't say they had bedside manner.. it was just the truth. And like everyone says sometimes the truth hurts. Emotionally and physically. When you think you don't need someone else to say it, because you already know, you do. Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone elses mouth to motivate you.
I really wish there were people close by that would be willing to do this with me, but as I'm limited that's really all there is. I joined WW's again this summer and it was so uncomfortable because I just felt like I didn't belong. I want to belong, but I just feel like even though I reach out, no one is there to take my hand.
So I need to be very serious now and restart my journey. I am going on vacation come this Thursday so I will try my best to eat wisely and be careful in my movement. :)
Waiting to hear everyones thoughts and suggestions!
Monday, October 24, 2011
That's not a typo.
I am literally "waisting" my time. The longer I wait to do something, to bigger my waist grows. I have been silently grieving the loss of my parents from which they both died of obesity related diseases (in a way, my dads wasn't caused by obesity, but it helped contribute to getting him into the place he was). I said it should have scared me before and I also said it didn't. It does. It terrifies me and I think that because I'm not actually confronting my issues that nothing is being done about it.
My iphone is updating right now so I have a little time to write about this.
For now I am preaching about confrontation, acceptance and the power to change. I always thought it was a bullcrap thing for publicity and to not make Bob and Jillian look like such aggressive jerks on The Biggest Loser. I was wrong. This is an absolute revelation that is needed in order to succeed.
For the last 2 years I have gone from sitting all day, to a sort of routine, to throwing myself full force into action (I call this not just jumping the gun, but carrying the bullet to the target yourself), to "taking a break", to "getting back on the wagon", to "falling off the wagon", to weight watchers, to taking the winter off, to "well I can eat what I want, I just have to watch how much" and then eating all of it, to working out here and there, lots of fads and lots of "tricks". I have even reconsidered surgery, but have decided that if I can't make a firm decision on whether I can do it myself or not then I can't commit to that kind of body modification. Throughout the 2 years I have been silently grieving the loss of my parents. It has been hard for me mentally and even physically because I don't express it or talk about it enough. I'm back to sitting most of my day. With 3 kids I shouldn't even be considering that. I should be on the go and moving around, taking care of this and that... but I'm not. I do the minimum of what is needed. And I can no longer stand it. I'm not the first person to say I hate cleaning or cooking and I hate hearing the sound of my kids arguing or fighting. But it doesn't mean I don't do those things. I just feel like that's more than enough for me to do during the day. People work for a living, deal with what I do as a parent and still go to the gym. Why am I not doing that? I don't push myself and I don't handle any of my issues. I tuck them away to the point where I feel hopeless.
I'm on the weight watchers program and have been for months. Just like spark people, it doesn't work if you don't follow it. If you don't commit. I haven't committed myself to pretty much anything for a long time. I miss that, so I am going to try and bring myself back to that.
The bottom line is I'm lazy and suffering from my extreme personal losses. When you take that and what I secretly want (to be healthy, thin and fit) it's like oil and water in the same bottle. I don't have to "get over it", but I do need to find a way to manage it. I don't have to work out 24/7 I can still have down time. I can mix all of that with getting healthy. If I just shake the bottle. I don't have to worry about it settling too much because I should be sticking with it.
So I have confronted myself and what holds me back numerous times. It was up to me whether or not I accepted it.
Yesterday I was in the restroom putting things away and saw a photo of my Dad standing in the front of the family cemetery in Texas with my brother from 1996. It's where we buried my Mom in June 2009 and he's standing exactly in the same spot where we buried him next to her in April 2011. It shook me to the core. I miss them so very much, I don't have to get over that, but I shouldn't keep it to myself. I realized though, that I am going to go the same way they did (in more humane ways), from similar illnesses if I don't actually change myself. And THEY wouldn't want that for me. Not just that I don't want that, but my parents wouldn't want me to go through what they did.
I accepted myself, my flaws, everything I know I'm not doing right and now everything I know I should do right. I might not change it by tomorrow, but today is a good start.
The power to change, will power, self motivation, jumpstart, a spark... those are all the same thing. It's all right here inside me waiting to get used. I just haven't kept it in motion. I ignite my flame now and then and eventually let it die out. I shouldn't need health risks to get me going, but clearly that's what it has taken. My hips are bad, my lower back is killing me when I sleep now (not my bed), my heels hurt, I get insane headaches from blood pressure randomly, I sleep far too much and I'm always tired. I shouldn't get winded doing little things. I shouldn't have to stop in the beginning of playing with my kids. But I do and God is it frustrating. I have tested my own faith and failed myself far too many times to just let it slide. I'm not going to punish myself anymore, but I absolutely have the power to change. I don't have to commit from the get go, but I sure as heck need to start somewhere. Day by day and a little at a time is how I am going to reach my goal.
I might not make my final goal by my "re-wedding" day in March 2014, but I'm going to try and get there.
I'm starting the first cycle of the 17 day diet today. I'm not using it to lose weight fast, but to get myself back to a healthy eating pattern. If I can't commit to 17 days, then I am doing something wrong for sure. I know Halloween is next week and there will be a lot of temptations. I'm strong enough to know that I shouldn't over indulge and I'm going to try not to. I tried starting it last week and did ok the first half of the first day. Then we ate a crappy dinner of pizza. The 2nd day I did good too, and then we had chili dogs and I had turkey dogs. Even the 3rd day.. and then I had frozen lasagna. This ended me mid-week with the worst case of indigestion I have had i a long time. I felt like I had the flu for 3 days. I'm -still- weak and tired from being sick. I learned my lesson.
So again: Confrontation, Acceptance and The Power to Change.
The ability to confront what it bothering me, what I've done wrong and bad choices I make.
The ability to accept that it's going to happen, that I'm not perfect, and that I'm not the first person to do or go through any of that.
And mostly the ability and power to change all of those things, to learn from it, to fix it and to move on.
If I can follow through with these three things I will be absolutely fine.
In the last 10 years I have learned these things:
You have to move to be healthy. As someone with hip issues since childhood this should have occurred to me much sooner than it did. I'm now 27 and my weight has absolutely caught up to me in a bad way. I feel like I'm probably a good 20 - 30 years older.
You can track what you eat, but if you're not eating healthy what's the point really? I can eat a bag of doritos and a 2 liter of coke or a large combo meal from McDonalds and call it a day on calories.. if I want to starve. But what am I putting into my body? I read a study a couple years ago where a happy meal was purchased. They opened it up and set it on their table. Then they left it there for a month while photographing it frequently. At the end of the month it looked EXACTLY the same. If you made a burger at home it would have rotted. There are so many preservatives in fast food and processed foods that it typically has the inability to decay. Can you imagine how long it would take your body to fully process this and pass it? I may not have quit fast food, but I think about this every time I have it and it alters what I order.
Cardio.. strength training.. when you have a lot to lose you do what you can do. If you are moving you are moving and that is enough to make your body happy for now.
You're happier when you work out. I am a much nicer person and can handle a lot more when I have a routine and stick to it. When I give up or have it taken away from me, I can't handle my own husband and children let alone myself.
Everyone suffers when you suffer. This goes with the last one. If you're in a bad mood, you easily put everyone else in a different state of mind. You effect other people when you can't control yourself.
It takes a support system. You need a network of people you love and trust to help see you through and check in on you. It's like doing better in school, some times people lack the drive to do it for just themselves until they realize that's what matters most. In the mean time you need that person to say 'hey, you did a great job!' or 'You earned that A!' It feels good to know that other people see what you are doing in order to keep your spark growing.
You can't rely on other people to do the work for you. If you rely on other people to get you through the rough spots 100% you are bound to fail. Accept help when it's offered and don't be afraid to ask for it, but don't rely on other people to do what is your job to do. You can't expect other people to change just because you're ready to change.
A toxic environment is just that. You can dodge it all you want, but it's up to you to make your own world.
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