Sunday, June 27, 2010
Today I got up to go on a bike ride with a friend as she doesn't belong to a gym. This is the same friend who we began as exercise buddies only to forego the exercise for the pub shortly after we began!
We decided we both have the potential to be feeders & instead of using excuses such as work/stress needing us to support each other in the pub we decided to exercise early am with death being the only excuse for not turning up!
We went on a fairly short bike ride, few miles, followed by a couple of miles of brisk walking when, in theory, it was cooler & less people about.
I must confess I had a fabulous time & felt amazing afterwards.
The reward we gave ourselves for all this hard work? ..........
The knowledge that we'd stuck to our healthy plan, didn't use food or alcohol & embraced our new CHOSEN lifestyle! We chose this for us, that made the difference cos we didn't feel forced into it.
We both turned an important corner today, putting us firmly back on track
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Well this morning I stayed true to my word & restarted the C25K programme.
I got up at 5.30am & set off for my run (if you can call it that!).
After the 1st min of running I felt a euphoria that no other form of exercise gives me, the feeling is amazing & I've realised this is what I've missed!
When I finished I felt like I'd achieved something worthy of shouting from the rooftops to anyone who'd listen, it's a high that I'll never tire of.
Following my 'run' I went to my gym for a swim, swimming to me still feels a luxury after years of feeling too fat to put on a costume.
All in all today's been pretty good & I feel so proud of myself!
A big thank you to Karvy09 for her inspiration & motivation
Saturday, June 19, 2010
I've had time to reflect this week and I've decided that I have been using excuses and passing them off as valid reasons for not being as focused as I used to be!!
They SEEMED valid when I thought of them:
Exercise before work:
Rationale: I'll exercise AFTER work coz then I can start work earlier and finish on time
Reality: I'm too tired after work and I KNOW this so WHY do I say I will??
Solution- I've spoken to my personal coach at the gym, she has booked me in for fun classes in the evenings, if I eat properly I am not too tired. I have also agreed with her to attend before work at least 3 times per week!
Rationale: I wont prepare my dinner for tomorrow til then coz it doesn't take long
Reality: I WONT prepare it at all- I will eat the 1st thing I grab when I get home!!
Solution- prepare the food!! Once it's done I know that I'll be able to just cook it as soon as I get home, no more I'll grab something coz I wont want to waste what I've prepared
Using cardio equipment:
Rationale: I can't use the cardio equipment this week as it's way too hot, I'll swim
Reality: I'm not swimming or gymming nearly as much as I should be!!!
Solution- there is air conditioning in the gym and it is very effective, if I start steady and up the pace if I feel comfortable I wont overheat. I will also drink plenty
I'm racking up lots of fitness minutes through everyday exercise which is fantastic however I love the gym when I do go and I feel it's more of a workout than if I just walk, clean, move furniture (yes they all burn calories but to me they don't feel as intense as a good gym workout!)
I haven't logged my food for a while either, stupid really as then I wonder why my weight isn't shifting!! I KNOW why it's not shifting - if I don't write it I haven't eaten it!! (Crazy logic, I forget that I've eaten as much as I have so feel that a snack wont hurt!)
So now I intend to use my old methods of tracking food, exercising and ensuring that if I don't work out it's a valid REASON not just another EXCUSE
I used to use the SOFT approach and fully intend to start using this again coz it's worked well for me before
I've worked hard to get this far and I owe it to myself to carry on
I wanted a better quality of life but making these excuses means I'll end up with no quality of life, just a head full of guilt and regret
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I've just had a weeks 'holiday', my mother came to stay with me and although I know what she is like and try to mentally prepare for her it's never enough (she's still with me til Monday!)
She starts by commenting that the size of my rear end is not from her (she's a size 20!). Although I've gone from a size 32 to 14 she still sees me as the fat one!
If men chat to us she says as loud as she can- see I've still got it- I can pull them!
She goes for maximum embarrassment for me and then looks hurt if I ask her to tone it down!
She spends the first 3 days telling me how fat/ugly/lucky to even be looked at by a man then spends the rest of the week convincing me that I imagined she would be less than supportive!!!
I'm married, my husband doesn't speak to my mother as he cannot stand the way she treats me and as he loves me he accepts my wishes not to upset her- yes I know how crazy this sounds but I don't want to upset her, just want her to see what she is like but this will never happen.
My husband stopped talking to her when after I had a major op she came to 'look after me' and I ended up driving her everywhere and carrying her shopping- she cannot see that this is wrong and still blames my husband for him 'terrible behaviour'
My eldest daughter takes on the mother role during my mothers visit telling me how wrong my mother is but I've had 40 odd years of my mother telling people she didn't want me she wanted another son!!
By day 2 I feel so battle weary and by day 8 I am saying never again, then she books her ticket and I say ok!! What is wrong with me???
My mother is also a feeder which I didn't notice til this visit, she buys more than she wants then guilt trips me into eating her 'leftovers'. This time I haven't so she has been giving me the 'evil eye'!!
I drive everywhere as my mother has no licence (thankfully!!). She doesn't like being stuck in but when we go anywhere it's on her terms, she smokes 60-75 cigarettes a day and I am a non smoker, we have to stop for cigarettes or drive somewhere just to smoke as I wont allow her to smoke in the apartment.
I've had a really bad painful neck for a while now but it's worse this week so I know my mother is literally a pain in the neck, I suppose I'm lucky I can sit down as I was sure she was a bigger pain in the ass than neck!!
So on Monday my recovery from the 10 days starts, I shut myself away til I feel I can face my friends again, when I no longer feel fat and ugly. I become introverted for weeks after she has gone home. I blitz my apartment- turning mattresses etc til I can no longer feel her presence
I know I should show her unconditional love however its so hard when she puts me down all the time, last year she asked me if my childhood was happy, I said no- she was shocked by this!! I brought my little bro up as my mother couldn't cope and he said he had the best childhood ever - I literally did everything for him- she said that this shows she was a good mother, okay mum- keep taking the delusion drugs, they are clearly working!
So from Monday I'll be back on track with my eating, my exercise and may even get to like myself again by Christmas, if not there's always the delusion drugs my mother takes to get me back on track!!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
The first few seconds when I wake up I don't remember that I am not longer the obese woman I was for over 20 years, when reality hits me I feel so excited!! I remember how far I have come and I lay there basking in my own glory and self praise!! I still find compliments hard to take but if I'm on my own first thing in the morning I can say 'you've done so well, I'm proud of you'.
I feel so excited when I look in the mirror and see that I am not obese anymore, I have a way to go but I am literally half the woman I was, I no longer feel sick when I look at myself in the mirror, no longer feel that I don't deserve to share space with anyone else. I know how far I have come and although I have a way to go I feel excited not apprehensive. I know I'll get there.
I feel so blessed to be alive and to have been given a second chance at life that I couldn't waste it remaining as unhealthy, fat and unhappy as I was.
I had a tumour a few years back which led to a hysterectomy and an early menopause, this followed a car accident that left me with bad injuries- ironically it was my fat that saved me further injury – who would’ve thought it had some use??
Instead of seeing the above as a wake up call I still took the self destruct path until Feb 08 when I started my weight loss journey. I was a British size 32 in clothes (nicely elasticated for extra poundage!!) and didn’t think I could ever lose the weight but in the first week on my journey I lost 14lbs!! By week 4 I had lost a further 14lbs making 28lbs in ONE MONTH- I kept 3 diaries from day 1- food, exercise, feelings! By day 28 I was reading the diary every opportunity as I thought I had made a mistake with my calculations- I just couldn’t believe that I had started to succeed my life long battle!!!
I took up exercise at the gym- getting there for 6.30am most mornings, a killer time to start with! I thought that at such a ridiculous hour I would be alone at the gym and no one would see me puffing my way through the cardio but the gym was quite busy and NO ONE took notice of me- it was fab! Not what I expected at all.
The weight continued to drop off and 18 months later I had lost and incredible 154lbs, it took me a further 2 months to shift another stone! I knew that this time I would succeed as something inside me had changed. I wanted to enjoy life. I wanted to live not just exist.
I always carry my before pictures with me, I changed jobs last June and no one here can believe that I am a former fatty! It's a lovely compliment as it shows that I haven't got much 'sagging'! One male colleague who is rather large said I must've looked like a box!! I did! 60inch hips and only 62 inches tall. It feels good to be seen as me and taken seriously and not seen as a fat person of lower intelligence (not sure why people assume fat = stupid!)
I still keep 3 diaries, still analyse my food intake daily, my exercise daily and most importantly my feelings. When I feel down (which is very rare now!) I look through all of my old diaries and the transformation in me is amazing. I showed my eldest daughter my before pic and she said that was the mum she remembers from growing up, she said that she loves the weight I've lost and that the weight loss hasn't changed the way I am. I'm still a joker, but no longer a joke. I still laugh at myself but no longer because of my size. I now know people are laughing with me not at me.
At work now my colleagues ask my advice and ask for me to help them with their weight- as I'm now no shrinking violet I'm happy to push them- when they see me approaching I can see them mentally tallying up the calories they have consumed in case I ask! Ooh the power!!
I feel incredibly lucky to be alive, especially as my dad died quite young after years of ill health. He was the most amazing person I've ever known and he died before I lost the weight, my biggest regret is that I didn't do it years before, in time for him to see me as I truely am.
I will always remember the struggles that I have had and this will encourage me never to go back. I have the most amazing family and friends and I couldn't wish for anything more than I already have in my life
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