KITHKINCAID   37,478
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Cookie Face-Off

Thursday, June 10, 2010

He told me I could have a cookie too. Drat! Now what? Do I want the cookie? - Yes. Can I afford the cookie (calorie wise)? - No. If I have it, I'll go over for the day. But it's there, and it's chewy and delicious and he offered it to me for free...

This is what's going through my head tonight at Roly Poly as I'm standing in line to get my dinner wrap. I had a Groupon for $10 and since I'm staying at the theatre late tonight to see a show, I figured it would make for a nice, healthy dinner. (Side Note* if you don't know about Groupon and you live in a fairly metropolitan area - you should. Google it right now!)

I selected my healthy wrap (a California Hummer with added chicken - yum) and a bag of Baked Lays. Perfect. Within my calorie range for dinner and a nice little treat since I haven't eaten out all week. And then comes the bad news...

"You can have a cookie with the $10 Groupon as well."

Oh Lord. I love their cookies. Fresh baked. Chocolate Chip, White Chip Macadamia, and the chewiest Oatmeal Raisin ever.

"Thanks!" I say, eyeballing the cookie pile. Get out - leave now, go far, far away. I retreat to the other side of the restaurant with my chips and my beverage to wait for my sandwich order. I opened my bag of chips and started to snack on the salty goodness. See? - there. You don't need a cookie. The chips are doing the trick. BAH! You SO want a cookie. Yes brain, you're right, I so want a cookie.

I finished my chips and paced, nervously. Finally my sandwich order was up. I saw the guy behind the counter, the one who made the cookie offer, look at me as I walked to the door. I thought he was going to yell after me - "You forgot your cookie!" But he didn't. He just waved goodbye as I walked out the door.

No - I didn't forget my cookie. This time, that cookie is staying in the basket.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AURXDOC05 6/18/2010 12:44PM

    Good for you!

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KELSCATT 6/18/2010 10:33AM

  good on you for walking out!!
free with the groupon, but not free in calorie world.

today the cookie is left behind :) :)

what will power kudos to you

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KARENE10 6/18/2010 9:54AM

    What willpower!!!!!!!!!!!! And FREE----I can't say no to freebies-Aarghhh!!!!! You Go Girl!!!!!!!!!

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OBOIST61 6/18/2010 9:10AM

    emoticon
I may just print this blog and post it in my office where it will stare me in the face all day. Good for you!

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TEENY_BIKINI 6/18/2010 9:06AM

    "White Chip Macadamia" Oh heck yeah - yummy!

I think you made the right choice. Good job.

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MOMOFSAN01 6/14/2010 10:52AM

  Bravo!!! Great willpower. Do you have any to share?

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LILMON 6/14/2010 2:55AM

    hahaha! This blog was so cute! I am going to remember this the next time I have to do battle with a chocolate bar! emoticon

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MADEBYMARZIPAN 6/13/2010 11:29PM

    That took some major dedication and willpower! It is so hard to resist the word "free," isn't it? Somebody could offer me a free used toothbrush and I'd probably be like, "Ooo, did you say free?"

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P0LARBR 6/13/2010 8:38AM

    emoticon

It's the small steps you take over and over along the way that win the race. This is how you will reach your dream one step at a time.

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RABIDHAMSTER87 6/13/2010 1:27AM

    Awesome!

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SPARKENISTA 6/12/2010 12:17PM

    Good for you! This week I was sick, so I ate so much less and lost four pounds even though I didn't work out at all. Staying in your calorie range is so important. And--You survived!
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WYND10 6/12/2010 11:55AM

    Way to go!! I am so happy for you :). Non-scale VICTORY!!!

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COSBORNE3 6/12/2010 11:25AM

    Awsome job

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LUNADRAGON 6/12/2010 1:57AM

    Well done! You were brave and you stood the test!
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SEANSAUNT 6/11/2010 11:40PM

    Awesome!!

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SANDYBRUNO 6/11/2010 4:27AM

    I am so proud of you. You did great. Believe me it won't always be this hard. Just think hey I did it.

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SUNNYDAZE9 6/10/2010 10:16PM

    I like your "battle" with the cookie and you won. That's what you did today to make you feel proud (adapted from the Biggest Loser song.) emoticon

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DIASTER 6/10/2010 7:45PM

  Good for you!!!!! Feels good to make the right decision doesn't it?
We all have days when the cookie would have been downed in a second, youn are learning and doing so well. Keep up the great work.

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Ode to a Grocery Store

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Oh, Whole Foods...how I love thee.

On Thursday mornings, my weekly schedule brings me close to a Whole Foods Market. Since I'm on my way to work when I pass by, I usually can't stop for long or buy too much because I have to keep it with me at work all day. Sometimes I'll peruse the salad bar and pick up some tasty items for lunch. Other times I'll just swing in to say a quick hello to a friend of mine who works the early shift at the store.

This morning I was out of fruit to take in my lunch, so I decided to run in quick to pick up ONE nice piece of something. $32 later I exited with:

- 6 white peaches
- 1lb fresh cherries
- 4 can coconut water (been wanting to try this and my nutritionist actually recommended it this weekend)
- 2 pre-made Caesar salad kits - on sale for $2!!
- 1 box organic dark chocolate cookies
- 1 box organic sugar cookies

Now I absolutely needed all of these items - fruit for my breakfasts & lunches, salad kits for a couple of quick dinners (add grilled chicken and go), coconut water for replenishment after a workout, and the cookies for lunch snacks (I take them home and split them up into serving sizes immediately to avoid temptation and add them to my lunches for a treat - that way I also avoid wanting a dessert after dinner). But the reality is that I could have easily spent about $100 and done a lot more damage on the nutrition front.

Whole Foods - though wonderful, and seemingly healthy in that raw, nutritious, organic kinda way - can be deceiving. One - it's expensive compared to most grocery stores. And Two - just because it's organic doesn't exactly mean it's low cal. A differentiation that has been hard for me to learn and accept.

You see - I'm a food addict. And I love grocery stores. I think maybe part of this is because my grandfather and his brothers, and then aunt & uncle by succession were in the grocery business. Our family owned the one grocery store in town for about a 30 mile radius. Those are good odds. I have a lot of fond memories of that particular store (which has now been sold, but still remains where it always was). Heck - I have a lot of fond memories of food in general. But where I am going with all of this is that I'm a bit of a freak-nut when I walk into a place like Whole Foods and see the perfectly stacked fruits, and fresh herbs, and tantalizing seafood options, and bread...drool...don't even get me started on the bread. It's a feast for my eyes as well as my stomach. My senses are ablaze with the colours, and odors and organization of the pretty food stuffs. And they PLAN it that way, darn it! I am but a pawn in their little grocery store game, flitting about the store, absorbed by lovely isle after lovely isle. Plan or not, I ALWAYS end up buying more than I bargained for at a grocery store.

So this morning I tried my best to stick to my guns. I didn't have a list, so I knew I was venturing into the danger-zone without my battle weapons in the first place. Proceed with caution. Get the fruit you came in for - check. If you need to browse, stick to the items you know you need for lunches - check. Oh, but look at the... NOPE, not this time. Put it on the list for this weekend if you really want it. I figure if I give myself a couple of days to think about it, chances are the "I want, I need"s will go away. But I do know I'm going to venture back this weekend to buy some fresh herb planters that I do really want (and have for a few weeks).

All in all, I didn't do so poorly. I still spent more than I was bargaining for on the way in, but I consider it money well spent. And for those of you who haven't tried it yet - coconut water is...interesting. It's rich, a little bitter - maybe even salty tasting, though it only has 50mg of sodium per serving, with a slight hint of coconut. It's OK. Maybe a bit of an acquired taste - but with 690mg of potassium, it's definitely a healthy boost. I'll get through the four I bought, then make a decision as to if I'll buy more.

Until then, Happy Grocery Shopping!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSTRAYER476 6/13/2010 10:42PM

  Wow, I do the same "self talk" when I go shopping! I too can quickly put things in the cart that should not be there. So we gear up for battle! Great post!



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WYND10 6/12/2010 11:40AM

    I am so happy there isn't a Whole Foods near me. It sounds like a great place. And I don't think you did badly at all! Way to go!!

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SANDYBRUNO 6/10/2010 4:40PM

    Be careful of the calories on your cookies. It sounds like you got a lot of good stuff. I love peaches and cherries. I like the Kashi Oatmeal Cookies with Dark Chocolate. I buy them at the regular grocery stores. I only eat 1 or 2 at a time and I don't eat them every day. I guess since I have dieted a while I'm starting to not need sweets as often. I walked in a McDonalds yesterday to use the bathroom and it smelled like a grease pit. I had no desire to eat there. I find if the kids have some kind of Doritos that look good I can eat 1 or 2 and I am fine. This is like a miracle for me.

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OTTAWABOUND 6/10/2010 3:41PM

    Mmm. Grew up in Jamaica and cracking open a green coconut with a machete and drinking the water was my afternoon treat. And then scooping out the jelly. Again, mmmn...

I get like that when I go into our local health food store--all those delicious and healthy possibilities. But as you point out, they still have calories--just less processed stuff and harmful chemicals!



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Sparkies, Sparkies Everywhere!

Monday, June 07, 2010

Since joining SparkPeople I have started to look at the world differently.

There are the obvious ways - trying to figure out how to fit in more exercise, cooking new recipes, waking up every morning and walking myself through my day to make sure I'm doing everything as mindfully as I can to be healthy.

But the thing I wasn't really prepared for was how I am starting to look at other people in the world.

Maybe it's because I'm a DONE GIRL and have the most awesome support of the best team of ladies one could possibly ask for - but I am literally starting to see SparkPeople everywhere!

Now - most likely these people I'm seeing are not really Sparkies. I would assume in a lot of cases, these people I'm running into have never even heard of SparkPeople (oblivious to the Spark as I was 2 months ago). But I think something happens when you start doing things for yourself. You start looking at the people in the world around you and you begin to wonder if they know what you know. If they have experienced what you have experienced. And in the case of something good - like this is for me - you want to know why everyone doesn't know about this really terrific thing!

I was out and about all weekend long enjoying some pretty awesome weather (between thunder showers). And since most of what I was doing involved exercise, I started looking closely at the people who were also out walking, hiking and biking. I saw a lot of athletes. I saw a lot of runners and cyclists and fit people enjoying their workouts. But I also saw a lot of overweight people. Young mothers struggling with their 3 kids to climb a hill. Out of breath ladies pushing themselves to go one step further, climb one hill higher. Women whose feet were sore and swollen who had stopped to take a rest and whose thighs were surely rubbing together under those shorts.

I saw these people and I thought of Spark. Maybe these people were Sparkies too! Maybe they were tracking their miles, and drinking their water and giving it all they had to live a healthier lifestyle. I watched them, and I thought of SparkPeople and I got an instant boost of energy. Just imagine - fellow Sparkies - people who I've never even met, but who might be fighting their own battle, trudging along beside me. It was great!

And even if they aren't SparkPeople, even if they've never heard of this great site, and even if they aren't trying to lose weight, or live healthier - just their presence and the possibility that they were made me feel stronger.

Even when we can't be with each other, we are in spirit. To my fellow DONE GIRLS and other team members who have shown me endless support and love already in my journey - you are the BOMB! I take your energy and spirit with me wherever I go. And I see your smiling faces in the faces of people I meet on the road - cheering me on.

A world full of SparkPeople. Now that's a great world to live in!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SEAJESS 3/26/2012 1:24PM

    This is SO TRUE. I spent a usually cold dark and miserable winter slogging through rain, wind, snow and slush and yesterday I finished my first half marathon. Although it looked as if I was doing it all alone, I wasn't. My wonderful SparkBuddiers on Slow Fat Runners and Jeff Galloway Training for Any Distance as well as my all-terrain SparkBuddies were with me every day and on every step.

Couldn't have done it without them. Thank you, Sparkers and thank you Chris Downie for your great gift to the world.

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WIDARLING 2/19/2012 11:33PM

    LOVE THIS. emoticon

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JUDYPOPPINS 10/7/2011 10:32PM

    Nice attitude adjustment!! You are what being a Sparkle is all about...looking at the world differently (perhaps seeing what was always there anyway).
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MARGARITTM 6/27/2011 12:26PM

    Great blog! I agree - I get motivated by other people I run into on a running path..... all on their own journey... for different reasons and in different places!

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FINAL2010 3/11/2011 10:31AM

  yeah i do think about it too! i was almost tempted to ask someone if he was a sparker!..........but i held myself am also a DONE GURL! pleasure reading ur blog. gooooooooo DONE GURLS!!!!!!!!! woo hoo

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SEDONACAT 3/5/2011 7:19AM

    I turned a friend into a Sparkie yesterday!


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MYADOG1 3/4/2011 8:17PM

    Lol I was thinking the same thing this week! I wonder that, oh are they sparking right now when I see people drinking their water or jogging along. emoticonHave a sparkly weekend! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SOUL_LOVE 1/30/2011 6:15PM

    Great blog - thanks for the inspiration! I think about how much I love Sparkpeople and I wish everyone could be part of it, too.

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SYBILBAKER 7/5/2010 9:32AM

    friends to the end!

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MDTWEETY 6/24/2010 7:54AM

    Haha! I often wonder the same thing....does that person on the treadmill next to me at the gym know about SparkPeople? I once was at Safeway and saw someone with a SparkPeople T-shirt on. It was pretty cool! :)

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HAPPY_AS_IS 6/17/2010 4:10PM

    Great blog!!!

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CAROLYN1213 6/17/2010 4:01PM

    I LOVE your perspective on this!!! Fabulously worded. I do look at other women out doing what they do and am encouraged by their presence on the track of life . . . like we are fighting the same fight, traveling the same journey, even though I don't know your name, I salute you and the effort it takes to do what you do!

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BASKETLADY6 6/17/2010 8:17AM

    I do think we look at people and opportunities differently since we've joined Spark and committed to it.

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GTOGIRL67 6/16/2010 8:45PM

    GREAT BLOG! I LOVED IT. I FOUND IT AT A GOOD TIME BECAUSE I NEEDED SOME MOTIVATING AND AFTER READING THIS BLOG I GOT IT BACK . THANK YOU .

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ROCKYCPA 6/15/2010 11:47AM

    Great blog - really interesting to read. Thanks for writing it and keep up the good work.

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MICKI2010 6/15/2010 11:22AM

    This was very enjoyable to read. Thanks!

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NOWEAPON 6/15/2010 10:00AM

    awesome

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MSV2UU 6/15/2010 9:11AM

    Great Blog fellow DONE Girl!!!!

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CAMOTLEY 6/14/2010 9:39PM

  I love the comraderee found on SparkPeople, its definately uplifting! I also found it just a few months ago thru a site called MyPoints I think. Its great!!

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WYNAMT 6/14/2010 8:32PM

    I have just started, and have spent a lot of time getting familiar with things. So far i love it. When i am feeling like eating, i just log on and look for something, and there is plenty of that!

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BELTRITA1 6/14/2010 7:00PM

    GREAT BLOG !!! Keep up the good work emoticon

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NJMADD 6/14/2010 6:59PM

    Really enjoyed your blog!
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Norah

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CINABEE 6/14/2010 5:52PM

    Great Blog emoticon emoticon

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DEBLYNN323 6/14/2010 3:54PM

    emoticon yes, you do see a world of difference with all this Spark awareness!

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DIANALP61 6/14/2010 2:25PM

    Enjoyed reading your blog. emoticon

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AML05030 6/14/2010 1:52PM

    I wonder those things too. I am glad you do it in a positive way, too.

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BRANDYCELIZ81 6/14/2010 1:49PM

    emoticon

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SUNNI4ME 6/14/2010 12:34PM

    I totally agree with you. SparkPeople is so great, I don't know why more people don't know about it. I just found it 2 months ago by accident.

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DEVORA4 6/14/2010 12:33PM

  Once I got into living a healthy life style, I looked around and tried to convert the "infidels". Sadly, I haven't been able YET. emoticon

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DOLE10 6/14/2010 12:12PM

  I joined spark a couple of years ago and did nothing with it until a few months ago. By being active, I have gained a great spark and has really motivated me.

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MCSNYDER1 6/14/2010 12:10PM

    I love this blog!!! You are sooo right! emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/14/2010 12:11:13 PM

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ACLUBB5 6/14/2010 11:00AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SUNSHINE6859 6/14/2010 10:34AM

    I totally love this blog. I am a fairly new sparkie myself(almost a month) and I just love it. I look at people differently now as well; wondering if they are sparkies as well. emoticon emoticon

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BRADIA 6/14/2010 7:57AM

    It is a very different rewarding way to see things and make us want to do the same.

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NEW-CAZ 6/14/2010 5:23AM

    what a wonderful blog emoticon

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MEDICINESQAW 6/14/2010 3:05AM

    It's amazing what we see when we open our eyes! emoticon

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GOING-STRONG 6/14/2010 1:16AM

    It is amazing how when we start living a healthy lifestyle that we become more aware of the people around us. Great blog and all the best to you... spark on!

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KRITTERKEEPERS 6/14/2010 12:50AM

    emoticon

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RELEASINGC 6/14/2010 12:22AM

    Great blog, and I want to steal your background - sure makes water look wonderful

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LIFESAJOURNNEY 6/13/2010 11:37PM

  thanks for sharing,

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PMWIGGI 6/13/2010 11:10PM

    It sounds like you got a little spark of motivation! Good work!

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SBWIGGS41 6/13/2010 8:24PM

  Wow what an inspirational blog.

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_MAOMAO_ 6/13/2010 7:58PM

  I love your point of view. It's so true, being a Sparker puts me on the lookout. I do look at people and the word differently. I validate other people's healthy habits better b/c I'm focused on my healthy habits.
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JURI62 6/13/2010 7:21PM

    Thanks for great perspective!

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STUFFNEARTABOR 6/13/2010 7:14PM

    Good outlook.

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FISHKNEES 6/13/2010 6:36PM

    Good observations...Thanks for sharing

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DYA177 6/13/2010 5:50PM

    what a boost you gave me today. I dowloaded the app on my phone. Its great to have spark with me at all times. Now I dont hav eto cheat on my food journals.

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KRILLFURY 6/13/2010 5:19PM

    Great blog! But what's a "DONE" girl?

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SLY_REDUX 6/13/2010 3:55PM

    There's nothing sweeter than hope.

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BOORZHA 6/13/2010 3:52PM

    emoticon
One day at a time.


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Summer Flings and Diamond Rings

Thursday, June 03, 2010

It was August 2006. I had just started a new job and was figuring myself a pretty big deal since this new position was in my field and finally paid more than poverty level in Chicago. I was working on my first big project that involved calling around for a bunch of quotes on some new equipment we were looking into purchasing and meeting with contractors who were coming out to pitch their latest and greatest models. That's when he walked into my life.

My back was to him when he actually walked in since I was busy on the phone, but when I turned around I was struck... love at first sight - I don't know what else to call it. It had never happened to me before and it hasn't happened again since. I tried to keep my palms from sweating and from batting my eyes at him as he described the equipment he was selling. Get yourself together woman - you're supposed to be a professional! Professional or not - I was done for. I would have bought ANYTHING from him right there and then.

Luckily for me, his company was also the least expensive, and a few days later he was back in my building, going over a proposal to install what we needed. It should have ended there and then. But for whatever reason, he thought I was fun to talk to and we sat in the theatre after talking about the proposal and chatted about everything from families to jobs to plans for the rest of the summer. I was melting into a puddle in front of him. Completely smitten.

Our conversations continued over that fall and to my surprise, he seemed to find excuses to call me to catch up, always asking about business first, but then cracking a joke, or slipping in a personal anecdote of some sort. Our emails and phone calls back and forth turned into breakfast meetings about once a month. There was no one else in the world I would get up that early in the morning for. It felt as though he was courting me...except when he would inevitably break into talking about a pending contract with my company, or when I would argue to pay the bill because he had picked up the last 3. "We" had our favorite breakfast places. I knew what he took in his coffee. My heart started to beat faster when I saw his name on my phone. Haha - It's doing it again as I write this. I wanted him with every fiber of my being.

He was the perfect guy for me. Tight with his family. Sporty, but down to earth. Cultured, but not anywhere close to the over-cultured, theatre-type I was used to dating. Wealthy, but frugal. Ruggedly handsome and boyishly cute all at the same time. We liked the same things, the same kinds of people. It would have been a match made in heaven as far as I was concerned.

But I was a 5'2", pushing 300 pounds, previously married & divorced woman with a ton of emotional baggage and an addiction to food. How could this perfect specimen of a man possibly love me?

So I stood back, and refrained from pursuing a romantic relationship with him because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed for me, but I was more embarrassed for him. Even if he did like me, I wouldn't subject him to being seen with me. His type did not date my type.

We continued to brunch and lunch (and sometimes dinner), and attend sports games, and hang out after work to grab a beer for two full years. Both of us single. The attraction (at least as far as I was concerned) inevitable. I met his family. His whole family. He introduced me to his grandmother unexpectedly one evening after work when he surprised me with a "what are you doing right now?" phone call. I loved all of them, and as far as I could tell, they loved me too. I became friends with his sister and her husband and started hanging out with her apart from him. I was SO in. But I was still so fat.

It was August 2008 when he called me to ask about my new relationship with my current boyfriend, as he'd heard I was dating someone. And it was then that he told me he'd met someone too. I'd had my suspicions. At our most recent breakfast date he'd ordered an extra meal to "take to someone". In the car on the way to a family cookout at his sister's place, he mentioned that he and "someone" had gone to see a particular show that I liked. And even though I had just gone FBO (Facebook Official) with my current beau, I was dreading this talk like no other. I knew it was the end. The end of the fantasy about what him and I could have been if only there were less of me. I congratulated him on his new lady-friend and then went home and cried for 2 hours.

For the past two years I've been negotiating my own relationship with a wonderful man who loves me for who I am. But for the past two years I've also been watching his relationship with the love of his life bloom and grow and solidify. I watched them contemplate moving in together, then buying a house, then getting a dog. I listened to her talk about the first time he told her he loved her. About the trips they were planning together. The life that they were building together. My heart breaking more at each meeting. I watched all of this because "they" are now my friends, not just him.

The last time we went out to eat together, she came too. He asked me first if it was ok - it's nice to know he still honours our little tradition. But I knew then that it was going to be him and her from here on out. If only I weren't such a coward. She's perfect for him - beautiful, active, tall & slender, kindhearted, and a doctor to boot. Everything I wish I were - but most of which I will never be, because that's just not who I am.

Yesterday, she flashed me the most beautiful diamond ring - designed by him, just for her. I shrieked with excitement. I'm really, seriously happy for them. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had helped him plan his engagement. On that most recent lunch outing with the two of them, they were asking me about travel destinations for their upcoming anniversary trip. I suggested a few, and they eventually decided on Portland, which I told them was simply breathtaking in beauty. And it was there, over this past weekend, that he proposed to her on bended knee during a hike behind a waterfall. A perfect proposal for two perfect people.

Someday I will have all those things. Someday I will be the person I know I am inside and out. Someday the love of my life will sweep me off my feet and we'll run off into the sunset!

But I know I still have a long way to go before I get there. Not only in body, but in spirit as well. I feel like this time I lost the perfect guy - but in all honesty, it's because I really wasn't ready for him anyway. None of us are really perfect - but I'm going to keep working on myself and plodding ahead on my journey for my own idea of perfection (which is really as imperfect as it gets). And next time when someone "perfect" comes along who really IS perfect for ME, I will be ready - with open arms!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VICKYMARIEC 6/29/2011 2:24PM

    I'm currently readingmy way through your blogs and this one...this one made me cry. It's the story of my life. It's the movie that makes every woman cry. It's the book no one can put down. I've been that friend. That friend that the guys would love to be with if it weren't for the weight. I cannot wait to read the rest of your blogs to see how your story pans out.

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KCLARK1355 6/15/2010 3:02PM

    emoticon I'm such a sissy - your story made me cry and yet I'm smiling too! You have a gift in your writing and I'm sending hugs to you! It takes alot of strength to admit what we are ready for and what we are not. It's out there for you - when you find it hang on for the ride!

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MARTINT011 6/13/2010 7:34AM

  The song that was sung by Sammy Davis explains this, I can't be right for somebody else until I'm right for me . So true. emoticon

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AAAANNA 6/11/2010 6:23PM

    Wow you have a fantastic skill of being able to portray things in words. Amazing blogg and only because you have shown how truly beautiful you are, I hope you are able to see that you are and get your hearts wildest dreams.

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BUTTERFLYBLUE67 6/9/2010 5:38PM

    Great story, when I met my husband I knew he was the man I would marry. I even told my sister that I was going to marry him some day. I didn't know at the time that he was already married so when I found out I left it there. I could never stop thinking of him though. I felt as if he was supposed to be with me. Once I moved to the south I found out he was going through a divorce. We started being friends, then became best friends, and now he is the love of my life, my husband. I think at times you just know but you have to wait until it is right.

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LOTUSFLOWER 6/9/2010 3:33PM

    emoticon I know exactly what you mean.

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MADDEELOU 6/6/2010 8:41PM

    Thanks for sharing your story. It was beautiful and heartbreaking. I hope that soon you will see the wonderful, beautiful person that comes through in your writing. emoticon

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 6/6/2010 8:32PM

    I lost myself in your words... beautiful. Sending hugs and serenity your way.

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TEENY_BIKINI 6/6/2010 8:26PM

    That was so beautifully written and heart-wrenching I don't know what to say. I am out of breath. You just wrote a movie in my head. - I was hanging on every single word.

I don't think I have met the man of my dreams but I know what it's like to not be ready and to get in the way of my happiness.... or wish I was ready for the things I wanted, knowing that I wasn't.

Girl, you are so beautiful right now and so amazing and one day all of the stars will align and you will be ready to receive all the lovin' you can handle and more... I just know it for you and for me.

Wow. I know this is your life but I am speechless at the beauty of this story...

If I could hug you right now I would. XO

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MADEBYMARZIPAN 6/6/2010 6:16PM

    Oh! That isn't how I thought this blog would end :( One of the most confident people I know is my friend Ellie, who weighs around 325 pounds. I have NEVER heard her say anything negative about herself. I have never seen her act self-concious about her weight. She accepts herself as she is and expects others to as well. She's married to a handsome, successful man and she seems to accept that as her due as well!

I think the way we see ourselves has a big influence on how others view us. You may not be where you'd like to be physically, but tell yourself you'll get there, and meanwhile, you can be confident and capable-- because you have a lot to offer!

Best wishes!

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56_PICKLES 6/4/2010 3:34PM

    Jenn, what a fabulously written blog. Thank you for sharing your life with us. In writing you are also healing. Be glad you found him as a friend and his friendship probably helped you find your way to start loving yourself. Have faith, someone is out there.
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~Zoe

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NURSIE8 6/4/2010 9:51AM

    Thank-you for sharing this story. I found your story both heart warming and heart breaking. As I read your blog I smiled at some points and had a tear in my eye at other points. I have to agree with you we are not perfect but there is someone out there who is perfect for each of us and we are perfect for them! emoticon

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PERFECTVELVET 6/4/2010 9:14AM

    Fabulously written. I felt all of the emotions you conveyed and actually teared up a little myself! And you're right; one day, you'll find the perfect guy for you. This guy wasn't it, but he was the perfect friend which is what you needed. Now that you're learning to love yourself, you will be able to love another wholeheartedly, without reservation. Best of luck to you.

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WYND10 6/4/2010 8:43AM

    Gotta say Jenn, as I read this my heart was breaking too. Thank you for sharing. And you're right, you will find your perfect guy.

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RABIDHAMSTER87 6/4/2010 2:30AM

    I had to add though that this really struck me because I met my friends' friend the other day (SUPER cute and his mannerisms match my type exactly... I developed a pretty big crush and I don't get those easily!) and I was telling my mom about him that night and ended with, "I just wish I'd been ready for him." haha But what will be will be :)

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RABIDHAMSTER87 6/4/2010 2:19AM

    Aww, sweetheart. I'm sorry.

I know a lot of people on here will say things like, "You're awesome just the way you are!!" but honestly, I know exactly how you feel. You ARE awesome just the way you are, but I know you're working towards becoming even better just like the rest of us!

Maybe things could have gone differently if you'd chased him, but then again maybe you would have two less good friends now if you'd chased him OFF. All I know is, apparently, he wasn't the right one for you and you are correct! You're working hard to be everything that you know you can be and when the RIGHT guy comes along, you will be ready for him and you'll have certainly earned it which will make it that much more valuable!!

I'm sorry you had to go through this, but I strongly believe that there's a reason for everything and a lesson in every experience.

And just because you're still trying to figure out who you are doesn't mean you don't love yourself enough. Yes, loving yourself IS important, but I think part of this journey is learning what we DON'T love about ourselves and then changing it!

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(Loved the blog, btw. You're a great writer! I was absorbed.)

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SANDYBRUNO 6/3/2010 8:46PM

    Your time will come. One day you will be ready and the right man will be there for you.

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DIASTER 6/3/2010 8:45PM

  Oh girl----never never ever let your weight stand in your way of, love. What a different outcome it might of been if you could learn to love yourself----at any weight. You sound like such a super, interesting and fun person listen to your heart not just the negative self image talking. You just have so much to offer. It sounds like he was really into you and with just a little encouragement who knows-- but on with life and lets see what is behind the next door.

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RED_WRITINGHOOD 6/3/2010 5:27PM

    Girl!... I love this blog. It is nice to see someone so completely and truly honest with everyone. I think everyone has gone through something similar but so many people would never share it. I think it is truly brave of you and I commend you... and I know you will find your perfect imperfect guy who is perfect for you!!! You rock girl!

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Please Hold - We're Experiencing Technical Difficulties

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Ah, the ballad of the broken scale. Well, I don't think it's broken, but my house might be.

So I get up this morning and am dreading the weigh-in anyway. I know I'm likely going to be up because of the long weekend, and the food and the alcohol. However, I also rocked out a couple of really long walks, upped my swimming laps and exercised when I didn't plan on it this past week, so anything could happen, right? Essentially if I look at my week, I calorie cycled - I had a couple of really high days, and a couple of low days - so it should have all balanced out - theoretically.

I pulled out the scale (a digital WW model) and stepped on...297.6. OK - I'm up. Grrr. Totally disappointed in myself. But when I stepped off the scale I felt it rock a little on the feet. My bathroom floor is totally uneven and warped from old water damage, so I bent over and jiggled the scale a bit - sure enough, it only had 3 feet on the ground. Now I know it's supposed to auto correct, but the perfectionist in me couldn't handle a wonky weigh-in, so I moved the scale and stepped on again.

296.9 - OK - I'm still up, but that's a better number. I step off - it wobbles again. For the love of everything holy! Can I not find a sturdy spot in my whole bathroom? Apparently not. And just to prove my theory, I step on again - 299.2. Clearly this is not right. New place on the floor, off and on, off and on - every single time I'm getting a different number.

I finally give up on the bathroom and take the scale into the living room. It's carpeted. I know I shouldn't weigh-in on carpet because though all 4 feet rest on the ground properly, it most likely doesn't allow the scale to descend properly when I step on it (this is what I tell myself, but at this point I'm running late, I need to get in the shower, and I'm tired of getting on and off this darn thing). Oh well - it's Berber, so it's almost flat. And it's not like it's got a ton of padding under it. So on I go...

294.5. Wow. Uh, ok - now I can't believe it. So I get off and on again. 294.5. I try a third time. 294.5. Well three times the charm. I'll take it! That puts me at 15 pounds lost! I feel totally guilty. I feel like I cheated my week and I tricked the scale. So now I'm determined to do REALLY well this week to make up for it.

Next week though - I'm weighing in on the carpet first!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHIRLS2010 6/12/2010 7:29AM

    I'm glad I'm not the only scale mover!

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KARVY09 6/9/2010 2:46PM

    YAY! You got the correct result! Hehe!

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LOTUSFLOWER 6/9/2010 2:08PM

    emoticon you are so funny! You earned those 15 lbs. girl!!!

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MADEBYMARZIPAN 6/3/2010 3:06AM

    Ha, this cracked me up! Glad to know I'm not the only one who does "retakes" when the scale doesn't seem to be cooperating :)

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SANDYBRUNO 6/2/2010 11:38PM

    I think I need to move my scales to the carpet. Hey take the best reading you can get. I once weighed 15 pounds lighter at the doctor's office. Scales who can trust them?

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KITHKINCAID 6/2/2010 2:40PM

    Jamie - if anyone tells you they don't weigh in stark naked and after they go potty - they're lying :) Well...unless you're weighing in at a WW meeting or something...that would just be embarrassing!

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WYND10 6/2/2010 2:37PM

    Oh look at that, you already got your award. Now, let's go for virtual calorie free martinis and do the happy dance shall we??? ;) emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/2/2010 2:37:12 PM

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KARVY09 6/2/2010 2:35PM

    My scale is fickle too! Glad yours finally gave you the right answer!

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WYND10 6/2/2010 2:33PM

    Oh man, you make me laugh :). I say if it says it it's true. Just weigh yourself in the same spot next week. I try to hit the same spot every time I weigh in, along with being naked as a jay bird and having just gone potty. That's my ritual. Probably TMI, but there you have it folks :). Congrats on your loss, and this means you're over 15lbs now! Woooooo. Go getchoo a new award!!

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KITHKINCAID 6/2/2010 2:20PM

    Ha! Don't I know it JAZZYJAS. It happened to me right off the bat after my first 2 weeks on Spark. So frustrating. Glad that the trend seems to be down now - hopefully :)

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JAZZYJAS 6/2/2010 2:18PM

    I often don't trust my scale but great work on the weigh in -- just remember this week one week where you put in tons of effort and it doesn't move...those come too.

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56_PICKLES 6/2/2010 2:17PM

    emoticon I have one spot on the bathroom floor that I use because I get different readings in other places even though all the feet are on the floor. I figure if I use the same spot every time, I'll see the trend if not the actual weight.

emoticon~Zoe

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