KITHKINCAID   37,721
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NO.

Monday, March 11, 2013

How many times have you said "No" today? Last week? Last month?

It's a powerful word, but we tend to live in a "Yes" society and I can bet that most people here have a bit of a "Yes" problem. I know I do. I have guilt, I don't like to close doors, I feel like I'm going to miss out, like someone might be mad at me, like I'm obligated to participate, like I won't be asked again if I say "No".

And so I "Yes" all over the place. "Yes" to work, "Yes" to fun, "Yes" to social obligations and volunteer jobs and food. Oh man, I "YES" to food all the time.

But what happens when you try "NO" on for size? What REALLY happens when you "No" to some of these things? For me, it makes me feel powerful. Just for a split second, but it's there. I'm in control of myself. I don't have to "Yes" to everything. I can say "No" and people will find someone else to do that, or go there, or get this, or eat that. And you know what? They won't think twice about it. Because me saying "No" to something isn't really going to ruin their day. Really it's not. But saying "Yes" to something MIGHT just ruin mine.

Food for thought, but it just occurred to me recently that I get almost as much satisfaction out of saying "No" to myself and following up with the reason WHY I'm saying "No" as I do saying "Yes". When I say "Yes" it's usually to a binge. I'm saying "Yes" because I deserve it - and I do. I deserve to be full and fed and to meet my own needs. But how many times would saying "No" meet those needs just as well as saying "Yes"? The answer to that question is - A LOT. The more I say "No" and carve out my own space for myself and get what I REALLY want out of a situation, the less I need to say "Yes" to make up for feeling used and abused and put out all the time. I end up having to say "Yes" more to myself when I say "Yes" more to other people.

But what about the worrying? What about the guilt and the feeling that saying "No" means that people won't like you? Well - think about the last time that someone said "No" to you. Did you hold it over their head? Did you pass them up the next time something fun came along? Were you angry at them? Probably not. So why do we constantly assume that people won't respect our personal boundaries? Because we don't respect our own.

I'm delving into the world of "No". And that doesn't mean that I'm going to become a negative person. Just the opposite. "No" means that I am respecting my personal boundaries. It means that I am fully contemplating what to take in and take on. I'm making the BEST choices for myself, not just accepting the first thing that comes along. It's going to take some getting used to - but I'm optimistic. Because saying "YES" to a healthier me means knowing how and when to use my "No".

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOTUSFLOWER 3/14/2013 1:33AM

    I have such a hard time with no too.

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MOCOHOLO 3/12/2013 6:57PM

    Yet another area I need to work on too. Thanks for the great food for thought! I think part of the reason my weight crept back up over the past few months is that I have been saying yes to everything, be it a social event or a girl scout cookie. I like the way you framed this whole question as an issue of power. Thumbs up!!

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SOUTHPONDCAMP 3/12/2013 8:13AM

    Hmmmm....something to think about. I'm terrible at saying "no" both personally and professionally which is something I should work on.

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INSPIREBYNATURE 3/11/2013 4:26PM

    boundaries are so important! way to go!

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-POOKIE- 3/11/2013 3:39PM

    I really liked this blog.

You are so right, I know I do it myself, I stretch myself thin saying yes to this, yes to that and actually this last month or so I have been trying on NO for size by not doing extra hours at work when I am already stretched thin enough and need the time to do other things.

However I do feel bad about it. I guess the guilt complex hasn't gone far.

I've been bad at saying NO to food once, and needed somebody else to say it for me, thankfully he did and I didn't have to endure a pizza hangover.

*hugs*

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SUSIE4LYF 3/11/2013 2:42PM

    You absolutely have no idea how profound this is to a "yes" girl. That concept of always being the "yes" girl is probably one of the reasons (not the main one) I became a social worker.

I have honestly never thought about all the reasons that I say yes. But you got my attention. Now my curiosity is running over with the possibilities of what would happen if I said, "no".

Thank you for these words. It has made a difference in my day today and hopefully my outlook for the future.

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Reset. Start Again.

Friday, March 01, 2013

I'm not proud. I said that I would NEVER EVER EVER again see a 2 in front of my weight. Currently I weigh 206.6 pounds. I need to fix that.

First goal is to get back to Onederland.

Second goal is to stop feeling like a sausage in my clothing.

Achievement of first goal will likely help the second.

I don't have time today for a long blog - my parents are in town and I'm going bike shopping for my Tri bike. Time to get back out there.

Today is Day 1...

Welcome Back!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNSWIMS 4/27/2013 9:17PM

    It happens to the best of us, congrats on putting a stop to it before it was out of hand! You rock.

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MOCOHOLO 3/6/2013 5:30PM

    You can do it! I'm in the same boat, starting again that is, but 70 pounds heavier to start. Ugh. We CAN do it!!

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MPLSKEN 3/5/2013 12:56PM

    emoticon

At 206.6 lbs, your goal of returning to Onederland is close and super-achievable! From looking at some of your past posts, it looks like you know what to do. Now, you just need to do it! Time to regroup and forge ahead. You can do this!!!
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PHOENIX43 3/5/2013 10:44AM

    I'm with you. I'm up to 205 from 185 and it's a horrible, horrible feeling.
So, lets regroup, and get this done!

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RUNNER12COM 3/5/2013 10:17AM

    Wow, are we in the same boat or what?!

Good on ya!

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SOUTHPONDCAMP 3/4/2013 6:56PM

    Love this...hope the tri bike is amazing and that your azz isn't too numb from riding it! I seriously don't know how people ride a hundred...maybe tolerance builds up?

I've been off in lalavacationland and am struggling to return...read your last couple blogs...and have nothing, absolutely nothing, of value to add....

other than....I love you! It was like having an out of body deja vu experience reading your blog from last month.

I very much look forward to hearing about how tri training is going...even when it totally sucks. I have friends (crazy married couple with a toddler) who do tri's....and I totally question their sanity. I can't even imagine doing one. Starting one. training for one. any of it. Which is, if you think about it, kind of sad in its own way.

xoxox



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LOVESTHEBEACH83 3/4/2013 8:32AM

    You can totally do it! I am back in the saddle myself. Smokin' by Summer is my goal. We can do this emoticon

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HOBBESIS49 3/3/2013 11:52PM

    YOU CAN!

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” Dr. Seuss

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LOTUSFLOWER 3/2/2013 9:20AM

    You can do this. I am at that 10 lb warning myself. I would love to go on a run with you in the spring, I miss you!!!

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LAURIETAIT 3/2/2013 1:29AM

    I'm sure this set back is only a temporary hiccup in your health and fitness journey. I'm struggling and starting over too. A Tri bike! How exciting! That will take you to onederland in no time.

Hang in there. emoticon


Comment edited on: 3/2/2013 1:29:30 AM

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SNOOKUMS19 3/1/2013 8:05PM

    Lets go sister! I bought some new running shoes this week myself! Time to get back in the groove! We can do it!

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MICHSTATE 3/1/2013 6:19PM

    Hi there!!!!
I am re- starting today too!!! I have a goal of staying on track EVERY day this month!!!! We can do it!!!!!!!:-)

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BABY_GIRL69 3/1/2013 5:33PM

    All you really have to do is start somewhere & today is your day.....

God bless & you can do it!

Dee

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SHELLYBABE2 3/1/2013 3:33PM

    emoticon

You're in good company, I'm refusing to buy any clothes in the next size up - I spent way too long working my way down & like you today is the start getting back on track & re-losing the same weight again! We've done it before we can do it again, right!

Very good luck, look forward to hearing how you're doing, enjoy the bike buying and the parents :)

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JEREMY723 3/1/2013 1:05PM

    Great to hear from you and keep us posted:)

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ON2VICTORY 3/1/2013 12:56PM

    Hey Jenn, its great to hear from you. I am so glad you are hanging in there. Im having some struggles myself right now...self sabotage etc.... the war is never over.

how exciting that you are going shopping for your tri bike. I remember the day I brought mine home... it was an awesome feeling. I felt like I was really going to make this tri goal of mine a reality! Enjoy the bike and have fun.

thanks for checking in...

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INSPIREBYNATURE 3/1/2013 12:13PM

    Well...life can get in the way! You have the control to keep that 2 away!!! :) Welcome back!!!!!!!!!!

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-POOKIE- 3/1/2013 11:54AM

    *hugs*

I so wish we could find a solution to the long term issue a few of us together face.

I guess the best we can do is dust off the pom-poms and continue to waggle them for each other!

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COWGRLKT 3/1/2013 11:41AM

    You are just in time. Glad you made it.

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Ten Pound Warning

Thursday, February 07, 2013

I've gained a solid ten pounds since running the Marathon in October.

This happened in a myriad of ways - injury prevented me from running or zumba, Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, a month without drinking for December made me into a drinking fiend for January to make up for it, my schedule has been a nightmare leaving zero time for planning, cooking, or exercise, and to tell you the honest truth - eating like a glutton feels really good...until it doesn't.

Last week I had to go out and buy jeans in a Size 14, because there was just no more lying to myself and squeezing every roll of my fat ass into the 10s I was wearing before Christmas anymore. I'm trying not to be mean to myself. It's not working very well. Forgiveness doesn't come easily to me because it feels too much like an excuse and permission to continue the behaviours that have gotten me here.

I'm also torn about even writing this blog. People here tend to be of the "rah rah" variety and don't react well to struggle or set-backs. You're only liked when you're on the downward swing pound-wise or doing something amazing like training for the Iron Man, so the times when we need the most love and support are the times when friends are few and far between. And I know this because I'm guilty of it as well. There's an expectation here that at least half of your Spark Buddies are going to fail. I've seen it happen to far too many people myself, and I can't say that I haven't thought "told you so" too many times when people drop off my radar. But it takes one to know one, and now I'm sorry that I haven't been more supportive to others during these times.

It's hard. What do you really say to someone besides "chin up Charlie"? Cause the last thing I need to hear right now is "chin up Charlie" - it actually pisses me off. What I really want is someone to cry with me. Get down in the dirt with me. Wallow in self pity with me. Feel with me - because you know you've been there before and you know how tough this is for me right now. Don't tell me it's going to get better. Because the truth is, it's NOT going to get better unless I make it better. No one else can do this for me. So tell me how much you KNOW that life sucks when you feel like this. Because THAT it does - life pretty much sucks when you're not at the top of your "A" game. And when you know how much you are capable of because you have accomplished SO much in the not-so-distant past. But I feel like that was forever ago, and like I am so down and out of shape that I can't even run a block anymore, let alone a marathon. How did everything go downhill so fast?

My life is a series of pendulum swings right now. I'll do something great for myself like spend 30 minutes running on the treadmill, or getting back in the pool like I did last night. And I realize when I do those things that I'm not as out of shape as I feel and that I've still got it - deep down there. And I'll feel awesome, for about an hour. And then I'll come home and binge eat an entire bag of Reese's mini-cups, or chocolate cake, or pita chips (if it's there, I'll eat it...all of it). I wake up every morning with a sugar/carb hangover that is so bad, I resolve to fix it immediately. My intentions are all good, until I'm in line at Starbucks and ordering my regular breakfast AND an extra croissant. Why? Cause I deserve it. Because I did get my butt on the treadmill. Because I'm working so hard right now. Because I'm stressed to the absolute maximum of my capabilities. Because I hate my day job and it's a chore just to report for work in the morning. So damn well if I don't deserve a treat. Except I'm treating myself 4-5 times a day, and it's taking its toll on my stomach and my bank account. And I'm terrified that the habits that got me to 300lbs in the first place are gonna put me right back there if I don't get a handle on this now. I'm actually embarrassed when people ask me if I've lost more weight recently. And believe it or not, this has happened more in the last 2 weeks than in the last year. Maybe it's because I am finally wearing clothes that fit me - even though they're bigger, I'm not spilling over my jeans anymore. But I sure as hell have NOT lost any more weight. And that is just so totally depressing to me.

So here are a bunch of things that I would LIKE to do for myself. I'm not promising to do them right now. I'm too fragile to be my own drill sergeant for the time being. But maybe if I write them down and can refer to them, I might be able to convince myself to try a few times a week to be a little healthier, for myself, to get my healthy life back.

Rules for a Healthy Life

- Love Yourself. Remember how good it feels to sweat. How accomplished running and swimming makes you feel.
- Clean out the closet. Drag out the exercise gear and make sure it's on top.
- The crockpot is your friend. Find some new recipes or get what you need for the old ones you love.
- Bring your lunch. Eat the lunch you brought. Trust me. Just do it. At the end of the day, you will feel better for it. Of course Jimmy John's looks temptingly good, but it's just food, and the stuff you make has more value for you in your life.
- Get off the coffee & soda & sugar. This REALLY worked for you before, and it's essential to make this work again. Tea. Water. And after this 10 pounds comes off, you get a soda stream as a treat for fizzy lime & lemon water.
- Program a reminder in your computer to get up and stretch and get more water and use the bathroom every 2 hours. Your butt is permanently affixed to your chair and that's dumb. Get up!
- Ween yourself off fake sugars too. You think that they might be causing the over-eating spells, and you're probably right. That will be easier when you get off the soda as well.
- Remember - IT'S JUST FOOD. Eating out with friends doesn't mean you have to go crazy. No one cares or will remember what you ordered. Get picky. Remember how much you enjoyed the last time you ordered something lighter off the menu. You won't be deprived, and you'll feel better about your choices. Double win.
- Throw it out. Since this is such a HUGE challenge for you, we need to figure out how to make this work. Give it to a homeless person if you can't bear to toss it in the trash, but if there is food that makes it into your life that you can't handle or you know shouldn't be in your house, don't let it stay there.
- Find something else to ward off binge behaviour. No idea what this is right now because nothing feels as good as eating, but there IS something out there that you can do if you're feeling antsy. Just figure it out.
- Stay away from "Free Food" - there is no such thing as "free" food. Because all food comes with a price, and typically, the less you pay for it, the higher the calorie price. Work for what you eat. Know what you eat.
- Get back to tracking if you think it's going to help. But lose the attitude that comes with tracking. Don't let it deprive you or psych you out. If it does, don't do it. This is about a healthy lifestyle, not killing yourself to stick to the numbers.
- Stay off the scale until March.
- Run. Swim. Research the bike. Training season will be on us before you know it. Don't be a chub by the time you get there. Prepare yourself now and renew your love in it again. Look forward to the races you have on the books. Don't dread them. Bottle that marathon feeling and remember it. Dream about it. Savour the way a long run made you feel. You will have that back again. Go after it.
- Just try. Try every day. It sucks, but it's the reality. You're in for a lifetime of trying, and that's all that anyone can ask of you. But trying is better than not trying.

This is your Ten Pound Warning. Trying is better than not trying.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KARVY09 3/9/2013 10:16PM

    I needed to read this tonight. Thanks!

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CROWDGOESWILD 3/4/2013 9:17PM

    This post resonates with me so much, and it looks like others feel the same.
I mean, we know how to do this, right? Obviously, because you even listed a bunch of really good tactics.

The key: it is all mental. All of it. We just need to get out of our own way.

Good luck.

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NUMD97 3/4/2013 7:21PM

    I found this blog, because a mutual SP buddy mentioned it, and it piqued my curiosity. It actually resonated with me especially because I wrote one similarly, that in the end, with the best of intentions from well-meaning folks, it all comes down to us. No one else will get us out of the hole no matter how many "you can do it!" 's are lobbed our way. We have to dig deep, and find a way to get re-inspired.

In truth there is no one "ah ha!" moment. There are many, as we slip and slide to meeting our goal. It's not a straight line. There are deviations along the way. The key is not to make it a straight line, DOWNWARD path, to the oblivion we came from, tens of pounds ago. Getting back into the rhythm will help you. Of that I truly believe. But in the end, it's all about an inner quest to learn more about ourselves, and why we have these issues in the first place. Once that is understood and conquered, I sincerely believe that this will be the last time we need to lose massive amounts of weight. We will finally understand what has been hidden all along. And that day will be sheer glory.

All the best,

Nu

Comment edited on: 3/5/2013 12:11:13 AM

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LOVESTHEBEACH83 3/1/2013 8:47AM

    What an amazing blog. I am absolutely in the same place as you are. I just ran my very first half marathon this past weekend and have done absolutely nothing since then. I think I let my body get run down but there is not an excuse. It does suck! But, we will do this! Thank you for your honesty. It totally put a few things in perspective for me. Good luck with your training!

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LAURIETAIT 2/16/2013 1:06PM

    I feel your pain. I've been struggling and gaining too. (35 lbs!) Something that helps me get back on track is the 5% Challenge Team. Our exercise minutes count as miles and every week we race against other teams to an exotic destination. (virtually of course) We also have lifestyle challenges. (eat your freggies, drink water, sleep) I've done a few of them and the commitment to the team keeps me exercising when I'd rather not and watching what I eat more carefully. The challenge lasts for 8 weeks. If you're interested in joining, here's the link

www.sparkpeople.com/mys
park/groups_individual.asp?gid=
58570

You have to join by feb 16. Eeek that's today!

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AMANDILANE 2/12/2013 11:26AM

    Thank you so much for your honest and genuine words. I'm sure we can all identify with you- I know I've been at that spot. The most important thing is you know what you need to do and you know that place in your mind and heart you have to get to in order to do it- because you've also been THERE before. Your "Rules for Healthy Living" are amazing and inspiring. I'm going to remember this blog for the next time I'm at that spot.

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SUZYWM 2/10/2013 2:57PM

    Kiddo - love you when you're fit and fabulous, and love you when you struggle like the rest of us! Love and friendship are not based on superficial status, love and friendship are unconditional, and I think you could use some unconditional love.

So listen up - you are wonderful, and smart, and strong, and human, and you are loved.

You'll get the rest figured out. Let yourself be loved, and mirror that.
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CLWALDRO 2/10/2013 7:03AM

    I have learned that you can do it for no one else than yourself either you want it and will make changes to get it or you don't and if you don't want to make the changes based on your own choices then nothing any of us say will make a difference.

It is up to you no one can make someone else do something if they don't want too. Some people think others can make them happy but you control your life

Just decide what you want to do

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HOBBESIS49 2/9/2013 5:30PM

    Wow, What an awesome blog.. Goodness so much well thought-out thought went into this.. I loved all of the positive notes to self 'self talk'.. Ten pounds is nothing! YOU've run a Marathon YOU can do anything!!

Use the useful food tracker for awhile it has been awesome tool for reteaching me how I'm eating right & wrong and makes me be accountable to myself.

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...” Dr. Seuss

emoticon Jane







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KITT52 2/9/2013 9:04AM

    emoticon ...only you can do this for yourself......

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WHOVIANGIRL23 2/9/2013 1:15AM

    I feel you. I gained 50 pounds back over the last half of 2012 and had to restart at a higher weight than I was the first time I started


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MARIANNE9855 2/8/2013 6:18PM

    from what I have learned after all these years- overeating is like any addiction- you have relapses but the trick it to make a plan and tweak it if necessary emoticon .
To me a food addiction is worse than drugs or alcohol because you can't just stop eating!
I have been there so many times- felt so good and thought I would never go back to my old ways and then before I know it I did and worse.
I wouldn't recommend getting fired and I am trying and need to get a new job but I don't think it is a coincidence that I am so much more successful now. Becoming and staying healthy is a full time job. I worry now what will happen to my life changes when I go back to work.

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STONECOT 2/8/2013 1:05PM

    I'm with you all the way. I think I have finally turned mine around. In order to do that I have gone in my head, back to my very first days when I hadn't done anything. Each time I have tried to start again, I have tried and failed to jump in where I left off, it wasn't working. So have gone back to those first baby steps. This week exercising a little more, not the distances I was doing before, but a little more than nothing, and eating a little less, next week building on that. I hope you manage to get back on track.

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SHELLYBABE2 2/8/2013 12:17PM

    emoticon

You are in better company than you think! You can beat yourself up, you can make yourself feel guilt, you can feed the feelings of failing/falling off the wagon & give in to the cravings and then eventually you get to the point where re-gaining weight becomes uncomfortable and you slowly remember why you gave your all to spark in the first place & start over.

I've been at this point a few times over the past year and am currently struggling with 14lbs I gained between my hols in Oct and Christmas. Since the beginning of January I've got my act (kind of) together and am struggling so hard to get back to where I was & get myself to focus again on my goal weight & not settle for what I'm at right now. It's been with the encouragement of other sparkers that helped me not throw in the towel. The losses this time are sooo slow and am hoping with time it will become easier and more habit again to take good care of myself without so much thought and effort but until then I guess I just have to put in that extra effort and feel the pain, I just have to want the final goal enough.

I have no doubt that you will get it working for you again, you have come so far from when you first started Spark (something we don't credit ourselves with) but you have to be ready before you take those first few steps again, you are right you are the only one that can do it! Sometimes it takes a while to re-find the inspiration & the dedication but just keep looking. Anytime you need someone to cry about the unfairness of it all or sulk about why you can't eat the quantities or the type of foods we know we shouldn't consume too much of, then you'll find yourself in good company right here on spark! Yes I celebrate your successes when they occur & I've loved your blogs since I first joined spark but don't think for one minute that we won't have your back when you start to struggle. We want you to succeed and we want to support you too in the way that you need it.

10lbs gain or not you are still looking good (think about how good you felt the first time you got to that weight and try to hold onto that euphoria) but until you see that for yourself then the words are meaningless - take baby steps each day/week to regain the good habits that served you well & remember the hardest part of this journey is about loving yourself, being kind, forgiving & not giving up! I have no doubt that you won't give up - you really have done too much to get where you are & you are no doubt stronger than you ever thought you were - I mean for goodness sake you did a marathon!!

Think I will shut up now, might as well write a blog of my own lol just wanted to reassure you that we understand, we have been there & as long as you don't give up on yourself neither will we! Sorry if it sounds a little rah rah at times but that's probably the mother in me that wants to comfort you but get you back on the right road too lol.

Take care and hope your bumpy road smoothens out soon - great blog as always & some great goals/targets to work towards - just try to be nice to yourself, you do deserve it!

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ps if like me you can't control yourself around certain foods when feeling like this then don't allow them in your home - make them hard for yourself to get hold of, remember cravings do pass.

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SBHPATRICK 2/8/2013 10:25AM

    Oh, sing it, sister. You have put into words my thoughts of so many days.

Thinking of you.

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ON2VICTORY 2/8/2013 12:19AM

    Jenn...I've been there. My weight swung up almost 10 pounds from alotmofmwork based anxiety. I too hated to go into work..so much crap it is nuts. Talk of layoffs, depression and double doses of anxiety had me binging more I cared to admit. I know what temporary weight fluctuations look like and this wasn't one of them. It stayed. It has taken about a month and a half but I finally leveled off and am back down to my previous weight.

The part you mentioned about work really rang a bell. I had to get past the disgusted feeling, that added to my already long list of depressive issues.

I got therapy and it really helped and come to find out the rotating shifts played a big role then all of the talk of layoffs helped create the perfect storm not to mention the drama and pettiness that is so prevalent at work.

Anyway, I just want you to know you are not alone. We have the skills, we know what to do but our hearts just get detached. We feel the panic from the impending situation but we don't feel the empowered drive that used to just propel us down the road of success.

No pat answers, just put your combat boots on and march.... It never feels good to march in the mud, you just do it.

You have what it takes Jenn, we are here for you.



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LOTUSFLOWER 2/7/2013 11:09PM

    I'm here for you. It does suck... We all do have to do this on our own...but we can hold each others hands and pick each other up. You have come a long way. These 10 lbs is just a small bump in the road, not a detour, just a marker of where you don't want to go. And I recently read a quote about how the path to success is rarely a straight line. There are twists and turns. And baby, those 10 lbs. ain't got nothing on you! You are a strong woman and I know you've got this.

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SNOOKUMS19 2/7/2013 4:46PM

    So I was going through my Sparkfriends. Removing ones I haven't seen blogging or interacting with. I clicked on your picture and saw your new blog. I checked in and was surprised to see I am living the same story as yours! 2 years ago I was on top of my game. I lost the weight I had wanted and at 40 years old was at my physical best. I became a Zumba instructor a few months laster and thought...this is it! I'm going to stay like this and feel like this forever. Then....I was injured. I tore my planter fascia and was done with any exercise for 6 months. Between that time and now I have gained the weight and am finally ...a year and a half later...am exercising at the same level. Yet....my weight is still at it's highest. Bad choices are filling me and I get it! People keep asking me if I'm going to teach again. How can I when I feel so bad about myself....ugggg. So I'm not a cheerleader today myself. I get it. I think you need to add new friends to your Spark list. I have alot of friends here who are with me when the going is tough. Branch out with the social life here...one day or minute at a time here sometimes.

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ATROTTIER 2/7/2013 4:41PM

    Me too!!! I like you list of stuff to start doing again when you feel ready for each one. I did the 5K mud run in October and I gained about 10 lbs since that - seems like once you finish a goal like that and there is nothing else to work hard for you cheat a little here and there...well that is what happened to me...I thought I was so cool for completing that so I "celebrated" over the holidays and then some. I'm gonna steal some of your ideas from your list and start my own...I've been doing things here and there but some of those bad habits are still lingering. Thanks for the blog - I'm sure a bunch of us needed it too - Take care!!

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INSPIREBYNATURE 2/7/2013 3:36PM

    Girl!!!!! Totally feel ya. I gained 7 pounds from the day before the half until the beginning of the month. Talk about disappointment. Life has ups and downs and it sucks.....it makes it hard and it pisses me off for sure. I don't like having to lose the same pounds over and over again. But you know what, that's where we are and we will get back down again. So let's cry together and then commit to getting a workout in and having a deficit. Ya?! Let's do it!

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SLFRISBEY 2/7/2013 3:28PM

    I am right there with you. I am back up to my starting weight and have zero motivation to do anything about it. It's beyond frustrating that I can't seem to make my self get off my butt and move. I have adjusted some things in my diet but I am REALLY good at lying to myself about what I have eaten and what I will eat. I can rationalize with the best of them. I need to change and I know it, now I have to want to change and do it. We can make it, I am sure.

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Living In The Glow

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

It's been almost a month since my last WEIGHTY blog. Didn't mean to leave anyone hanging, but you know how it is - things be busy yo!

A short update: my boyfriend and I are fine, the parties haven't stopped - but my attitude towards them is a little different than it was previously, and I'm trying - ever so hard - to forgive myself and just live with it and through it, as hard as it is on a daily basis.

That last blog lead to some of the longest and most supportive responses from you guys I've ever gotten - so THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me and sharing the love. We all know this isn't easy. And it's even harder to admit defeat sometimes, but knowing that everyone goes to that dark place every once in a while helps. We're not in this alone. And we often think the same things, even if we don't talk about them or write those feelings down for the world to see.

What I have discovered about myself is my avoidance to admit that healthy feels good. I don't know why it's so hard to say that. Possibly because food also feels good, but not in the same way. There's a disconnect in the brain - food hits a certain "feel good" trigger that I have relied on for SO many years. It's been my crutch for so long that I have convinced myself to believe that it's the way I am and that it, and being fat because of it, is what I am destined to. But my newer, healthier brain, knows that's a bunch of bull. It's just REALLY hard to call myself on my own bull. I got to it a bit in my last blog, but the healthy me still feels fake in a way. She's SO new that she's not "real" yet. It's like when I started running and was loathe to call myself a runner. I've run a marathon and I'm STILL loathe to call myself a runner. And that's ridiculous. But it's the same thing with my overall health. I still identify with the fat girl. And why shouldn't I? I was her for 25 years of my life. That's A LOT of tradition to break. I've only been healthy for 2.5 years. Fat me still thinks that's not enough time to call it true. So I am resigned to the fact that it's just going to take TIME, and lots of it, to convince myself that I really am healthy.

The tricky bit is that a healthy life is harder to live. And don't we all know it! In this world it takes CONSTANT work to be healthy. Fast food is just that - fast, convenient. Cooking and planning and shopping takes time and energy. Sitting in front of the boob tube is easy. Going out for a run or a walk requires motivation. HEALTHY LIVING IS HARD! But... it's worth it - right?

The thing that I now know that is still so hard to say is this: Living Healthy makes me feel good. In a different way than chocolate cake makes me feel good.

Unfortunately, chocolate cake makes me feel good like a kick to the gut. It's there, it's quick and it's very, very present. Living healthy makes me feel good all day. But it's not immediately evident. I have to really think about it. It's no big shot of adrenaline (or a sugar rush) - it's a constant, distant, and still very faint feeling. But it's there. And my only hope and wish is that over time it will get stronger. A building hum, from that distant buzz.

Maybe that's really what "Spark" means. At the beginning of this journey I was sparked. The smoke became a flame and then a blazing fire. I burned strong for a year and a half, lost 130 pounds, was a bright, shining star. But then the fire fades. The embers are still warm, and every so often, someone or something comes along to stoke the fire and the blaze comes back for a bit. But it's the embers that stay warm, and any fan of campfires knows that these embers are the best time to make smores :) It takes patience to get here and then to stay here. Without enough fuel, the fire will go out. But with enough time and energy, you can keep those embers glowing long and strong for days. And that's what I have to do. Live in the glow.

So for December I have taken on two challenges - neither of which are the least bit easy. The hard-ass in me gets more pleasure out of making a challenge ridiculously hard because the reward is bigger in the end. But in the flavour of the above realization, the true goal of both of these challenges is that I KNOW they will make me feel good.

Challenge #1 is the "21 Days of Fitness, 12 Days of Christmas and a New Year's Eve" Challenge. It involves walking or running ONE MILE every day for 21 days leading up to Christmas. It started on November 28th and goes to December 18th. Then from December 19th-30th (the twelve days of Christmas) you need to continue that good habit and add one additional healthy thing every day - be that drinking all your water, adding in another exercise, counting calories, avoiding sweets - just one more thing each day. By the time New Year's Eve rolls around, I'll be ready to celebrate in a gorgeous dress that I've already purchased. And the hopes are that I look even better in it than when I bought it! So far I'm going strong. I've gotten my butt out there and put in my time every day. Sometimes I have to drag myself to walk the mile, other days I've been able to run a few miles without issue. The thing is just to DO IT. Every day. It's not easy, but I feel better about myself for doing it. It was a good way to get out of the rut that I've been in.

Challenge #2 is that I've gone dry for the month of December. After polishing off the last of the wine on the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend for no good reason I said enough is enough. Fact is fact - when I drink, I binge eat. And I don't need to drink to have fun. It sucks, because I would like to be able to have A glass of wine or a cocktail here or there over the holidays and with all the parties, but I just know that I lose control after that cocktail and end up eating the entire plate of hors d'ouevres that goes with it. So I'm the DD for the month. Works for me. And again - I KNOW I will feel better about myself physically and mentally for making this decision. It's not an easy decision to make, but I'm doing this for myself and for my health. And if I can make it through December, I can do anything! I'm not gonna lie - I miss it. And I think I'm craving it more because I can't have it. But I'll get over it. Alcohol is NOT an essential food group. It's empty calories and an inhibition zapper and this month especially, I need my inhibitions! So it's soda water and lime in a wine glass for me. And then I can be free to enjoy a few extras off the buffet table, be able to taste them for what they really are, and move on once I'm full.

And finally - there's nothing to feel bad about for choosing to be healthy. This holiday season, I will love MYSELF for making the best decisions for HEALTHY ME. I will not be guilted into eating extra helpings because someone else worked hard to make it. I have worked even harder for this life. And I need to prove to Fat Me that she is not my destiny and that her traditions are not my traditions anymore. My 2.5 years of hard work so far is worth more to me now than her 25 years of being unhealthy. What is in the past is in the past. It's time to look long and hard at the present and what I have earned for myself. THIS IS ME NOW. I am leaner, fitter, stronger and destined for a long and healthy life ahead of me. Living in the glow.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KDYLOSE 2/3/2013 10:21AM

    You've lost many pounds but I think you have also gained so much wisdom. This is beautifully said.

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JENNYBEAN0703 12/31/2012 9:21AM

    Such a great post! Such great words! :)

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SPUNKYDUCKY 12/17/2012 11:39PM

    You are an athlete
Just wanted to say that!

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SOUTHPONDCAMP 12/10/2012 7:19PM

    Love that you are doing well. xoxox

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PJH2028 12/8/2012 11:30AM

    What a blessing this blog is to me today, Jenn. Thank you! What a gift you are and what a gift you have. Your individual eloquence speaks so meaningfully to and for me... reaching thoughts and feelings I've been having but have NOT had the words for. I am grateful to now share yours!

I am totally there with the time lapse Identities -- the reflections of believability and truth. Identifying with Fat Me less.... is, for me, a loss in many ways. I don't really recognize myself a lot of the time. For me, because I have been chronically ill for so many months, my opportunities to inhabit Healthy Me have been reduced, I have not been able to celebrate my smaller self and build her/my strength. Being sick I have felt so weak and fragile, and it has brought up a SHADOW I could never have anticipated... but am forced to work with.

I'm there with you, too, on the no booze. I've been off coffee and alcohol for over a month. I don't recognize me without coffee... still. Coffee is my middle name. Connoisseurship of etc. Booze is easy by comparison.

Mostly... THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR BEAUTY for your HONESTY for your tangible sonorous and abiding LIGHT.

xoxo

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LAURIETAIT 12/7/2012 1:03AM

    I have no doubt you will meet these challenges. Look what you have already accomplished! Every healthy decision you make brings you closer to banishing the ghost of Fat You from your life. I want to be in on the victory dance when that happens.
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JENJESS48 12/6/2012 10:01AM

    The mental aspects of weight loss are certainly the hardest, aren't they? And we are always harder on ourselves than anyone else - I don't think anyone here on Spark or your offline friends would hesitate to call you healthy and a runner.

Your holiday plans are great and will stand you in excellent stead for the new year and that gorgeous little dress! You are one of the most determined people I know and you seem to thrive on structure - I'm sure you will stick to your plan and look amazing!

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LOTUSFLOWER 12/4/2012 9:48PM

    Wow. Did I need to read this right now. I love your metaphor of living in the glow. And you are so right on with all of this. I will join you with the no drinks...I also can't have a glass without overeating. And I still find myself turning to the food, too, like tonight having to work late instead of getting my run in. So I binged and now feel awful. It is good to know that I, and we, are not alone. I love you girl!

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SPARKGIRL811 12/4/2012 5:02PM

    emoticon emoticon

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ESCHMIEDT 12/4/2012 1:59PM

    You can do it! In fact, I'm going to do Challenge #2 with you. I have the exact same problem.

To give you more motivation to saying "no" to alcohol, "Alcohol inhibits your metabolism by up to 30%" --Engine 2 Diet book

Best of luck to you! You can absolutely meet and exceed your challenge goals!

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When Things Fall Apart

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

If I were a hermit I would be skinny.

Seriously - if all I had to think about was myself, my daily caloric intake and expenditure and had zero distractions from the outside world, this whole thing would be a piece of cake (or piece of reduced fat, sugar free banana bread).

But we all know that's not normal, and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to live IN THE MIDDLE. I'm either on the wagon or off the wagon and for a whopping 10 days in a row now (or more), I've been OH SO OFF.

Why? Because I have friends. And a boyfriend. And work. All the things that NORMAL people have, but who are ruining my life. Well - my skinny life.

When I was really fat (313 pounds of fat on a 5'2" frame) I didn't have a lot of friends. I had a boyfriend for a while, but that relationship was unhealthy in so many ways I lost count. I had the same job, but my coworkers were on health kicks too, so changing my daily Starbucks/Chipotle/Potbelly habit wasn't as hard as it could have been. In short - for the year and a bit that it took me to lose 130 pounds, I pretty much WAS a hermit. I gave up living (fully) to lose weight. And for a year of my life, that was ok. I was fine with that sacrifice. I had Spark, and the people here substituted for "real life" friends. I was fueled by "woohoos" and "way to gos" and by the ever decreasing scale. I wasn't lonely and I wasn't hungry because those things kept me full. I was my own best friend.

But times have changed. Sparkfriends don't show up at your office asking you to go out for dinner with them (mostly because they live in other states!). The scale doesn't follow you to a Saturday night party and tell you you're better off without wine and cheese and puff pastry and candy corn cupcakes. And instead of living just for myself, I am now living for 2 people. I have expanded my sense of who I am again to include my significant other, and that means that I have also "expanded" again.

Here's a common piece of advice that we have all read in about 100 different articles:

When you go to a party, eat ahead of time so you aren't hungry, stick to veggies and other low calorie options and limit your alcoholic beverage consumption to you can maintain control of your inhibitions and your calorie consumption. Concentrate on having fun with your friends and not on the food.

And here's the reality of the situation:

I go to a party at which I know about 2 people in the room. So already my social anxiety is high. How do we deal with that? Alcohol. Lubricates the conversation, and the salivary glands and EVERYONE else is drinking - heavily. This said party is in a TINY one-bedroom apartment, and every single surface is COVERED with food. Not a freaking carrot to be found. Cheese and crackers, pizza, pigs in a blanket, pumpkin bread, cupcakes, pie, coffee cake, candy corn, and SO MUCH ALCOHOL. Everyone at this party (and there have to be about 40 people crammed into this teeny tiny space) has brought both a food item and a bottle of something. There's even coolers of alcohol out on the balcony cause there's no more room in the kitchen. Admittedly, this is a kickin' party. Welcome to socializing in your 30s. We finally have the money and the means and the locations and the friend circles to do it, and do it up good. This is an experience that I have not had many of. I don't go to parties like this, because for my entire life I have been a loner. I don't get invited to these events. My boyfriend does. He makes friends like bees to honey and he has an invitation to somewhere awesome almost every weekend. I am profoundly jealous. So what do I do? I get TRASHED on far too much wine, and eat about half of the cheese and cracker tray and the pumpkin bread by myself. Because even though I followed the advice to eat before, and even though I wasn't hungry, and even though I was only going to have a small amount of wine, I literally went crazy. My brain clicked off, all sense of reason flew off the alcohol laden balcony, and I went into full-on food zombie mode. And this is what happens 98% of the time when I try to involve other people in my life. I lose control, and I become a food zombie. And I KNOW I'm not alone in this confession.

So I need to be a hermit. But that's never going to happen. In losing 130 pounds, I have gained so many things in my life that I never had before. But I know why I can't lose anymore weight right now - it's because I can't handle what I have gained from the last loss.

Here's another example:

After a series of very bad days that all ended with me on my couch with the bucket of leftover Halloween candy, consuming at lightning pace mini bar after mini bar after mini bar, I jumped back on the wagon yesterday morning. Mondays are good for "dieters" - Mondays are always fresh starts because they're built that way. Clean slate. Here we go. I had a great breakfast, great lunch, snacks were on schedule, and then my friend Jess called. Jess is a great girl. We're just in the baby stages of something that I felt could have been a really lovely friendship. It's like dating. We're still figuring each other out, but times with her are good times and I had high hopes. And then she found out she's moving to Michigan. This week. And my hopes were instantly dashed. It's not like we aren't going to ever talk again, but I am so desperate for a really great girlfriend in the city, I feel like I've been kicked. Things were going so well. So when she called me up to have dinner with her last night, there was no way I was going to refuse just so I could go home and have me pre-planned pumpkin and carrot smoothie. Add insult to injury, the restaurant we chose comped us strawberry mango bubble teas and an order of coconut shrimp IN ADDITION to our order. I am the type of person who feels like I'm being rude if I refuse food that has been given to me, for free. That's a issue. So I ate it. All of it. Plus half of my regular order. And half of the appetizer that Jess ordered "for both of us". And then I was so upset over being off the wagon again, I went home and consumed the rest of the Halloween candy.

I woke up this morning with a salt & sugar hangover. My head is still pounding. And I feel like I can't win. I can EITHER be skinny or have a life. Apparently I have no idea how to do both.

And the icing on the cake: Nikhil and I are not speaking right now because he caught me with my lover...the bowl of Halloween candy, right in the middle of a binge. I tried to cover it up, tried to laugh it off, but the truth of the matter is that I was so naked, so exposed, and so embarrassed by the incident that I blamed him for surprising me. I blamed him for a sweet and perfectly innocent and kind gesture(a gesture that I have complained he doesn't do enough of in the past) because I was so upset over what he had walked into that I went crazy. The fight about him "barging in on my personal time" escalated to the point that I asked him to leave my house. Which he did. In a very, very angry huff. And now we're not speaking because he is so hurt over something that I caused. But my own pride was so hurt, my own dirty little secret so precious to me, that I am at a loss for how to explain this to him in words that he will understand.

I am disgusted by myself. But I know I cannot heal from this until I can accept it. I'm just not there yet. Acceptance right now feels too much like an excuse for bad behaviour. And the longer I continue to berate myself for these actions, the harder I'm going to fight against it and the more I'm going to eat and binge. It's a horrible, terrible, awful cycle - and I know I'm not the only one out there who feels like this.

But how do you learn to love? How do you accept these hurtful things that you know about yourself and forgive the years and years of self-hatred? How do you drag yourself out from under the image of gluttony and sloth that is so red hot in your mind and smooth that over into something that you can find acceptable? I don't have the answers yet. I'm still in a place that feels FAKE when I say that I miss running. I won't allow myself to be that healthy person who can say things like that because for so many years I have fought so hard against that image. Fat Me is not gone yet. She's hanging on for dear life and she's an ugly bitch when she's angry. I'm living with the monster every single day and I don't know how to shake her loose. She is trying SO hard to rebuild and refortify the parts of her that I got rid of. She is the one that needs the fat - the fat is her fortress - the barrier against the outside world of "others" that might try to break me down. I don't know how to be exposed without the fat fortress. Because when people don't like me or get upset with me or cut me down or aren't what I expect when I'm fat, it's the fat's fault - not mine. But when I don't have the fat, when I'm just a regular person with nothing else to blame for my shortcomings, they are MY shortcomings. And I guess maybe I'm not ready to admit to all the things that I don't really like about myself yet. I'm really good at picking apart the things that I don't like in other people, but I can't accept those things in me. It's just so much easier to hide behind the fat. And Halloween candy tastes good. So it's too much positive reinforcement in negative actions right now for my good reason to fight. I feel like I'm losing the battle and I don't know what to do. And when I'm angry all the time, I'm leaving a path of destruction in my wake - Fat Me is trying to destroy the new things I have painstakingly built for myself - my health, my relationships, my sense of self.

If there's one thing I do know it is this: I don't need to be a hermit in real life to be skinny. Friends and events and work are all positive things that we need in our lives to feel normal and fulfilled. But I do need to get rid of the monster that lives inside me every day. This is not her territory anymore. But the death match going on in my head is exhausting, and there are times when I really don't know who is going to win.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 12/8/2012 10:56PM

    I think you depicted the eternal struggle perfectly. I commend you for that. I like that you don't pretend that everything is easy because you are successful.

You are a brave one. You are.

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PJH2028 12/8/2012 11:46AM

    "I don't know how to be exposed without the fat fortress. Because when people don't like me or get upset with me or cut me down or aren't what I expect when I'm fat, it's the fat's fault - not mine. But when I don't have the fat, when I'm just a regular person with nothing else to blame for my shortcomings, they are MY shortcomings. And I guess maybe I'm not ready to admit to all the things that I don't really like about myself yet. I'm really good at picking apart the things that I don't like in other people, but I can't accept those things in me. It's just so much easier to hide behind the fat."

Will the real me please stand up!?
Yes... I hope so, and She's here. We've all just got to keep making it safe for our Real Me (parts of the fat me and parts of the skinny me combined? plus new parts that have been bound and gagged by fat me for decades?). Keep discovering creative ways to help her shine.

New goals for 2013.
Love you,
P

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SHELLYBABE2 12/2/2012 4:50PM

    emoticon I've been struggling with my journey lately and have read a couple of blogs (one of them yours) that eloquently describes my struggles and offers me hope that I'm not as alone as I feel with said struggles. For this I thank the ones who can put down in words what I struggle to (lots of struggling here lol) & this leads to my advice for you - phone your SO & read your blog to him or show it to him because your written words are beautiful and as he loves you, he will probably feel relieved to gain some understanding as to what happened. My husband, poor soul that he is, feels relief when I get to the point where I can explain my certain crazy behaviour and I'm sure your SO will feel the same too.

The hardest battle of all is with ourselves, if friends spoke to us like we talk to ourselves, they wouldn't be known as our friend for very long - if only we could learn to not criticise so darn much!

Take care :)

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FREETHEGODDESS 11/28/2012 4:28PM

    Wow! You had a lot to unload. I totally know where you are coming from. I am an outgoing person but, when I get in social situations my anxiety and lack of self-confidence take over. To make up for feeling nervous, I drink too much, talk too much and eat too much. I always regret it the next day. The parties just don't seem worth it to me. I want people to like me but, I really need to just like myself. It is hard to remember that sometimes.

You are putting yourself in dangerous situations by going to the parties. I know that you want to be social and enjoy having friends and not hide in the house all the time but, the truth is that you are a food addict like me and food is your coping mechanism.

If you were a recovering alcoholic or drug addict would you agree to sit in a room with other people drinking and doing drugs. How long do you think you would last in a stressful social situation with alcohol and drugs around? It is the same with party food. It is so tempting and pretty on those shiny trays. It is impossible to resist and drinking alcohol makes it easy to just relax and eat what you want without thinking clearly about the consequences...and yes! there are consequences!

You gain weight, lose focus on your goals, trigger old cravings, feel lousy and risk falling off the wagon for good. Is it really worth all that for one night of partying? No!

You have a life long journey to stay healthy. This is just something you and I will have to do. It means we have to be careful what situations we put ourselves in. It means that we have to stay home if we feel we will "slip up". It means that if we go to a party, we must have a plan we know we can stick with and do it. If we can't, we need to leave the party early or just not go. I would think about WHY you felt like you needed to be drunk and eat to enjoy the party?

I am not judging you at all. I am not trying to make you feel bad. I am just telling you how I see it. I have been where you are many times. I go from social butterfly to hermit on a regular basis and I know that the social butterfly is a very delicate person who can enjoy being with people when she has confidence from weight loss success but, that she can ruin what she has by giving in to temptations she knows she can't resist.

I lost 70 lbs. and let Christmas last year knock me off the wagon. Here I am after gaining back 27 lbs. and I am trying to get back on track. Was my little slip-up last Christmas worth a whole year of struggles and frustration...HECK NO!!!

Who will be with me years from now when I am either fat or thin...ME! That's who! Not the 2 friends I knew at a party. Friends come and go. Find friends that are into exercising and meet them for Zumba class or to run, etc. It is okay to be selfish and pick only friends who have the same healthy interests you do. You can still socialize with the others on Facebook.

I just hope that your boyfriend understands how his social life affects your health.
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SUZYWM 11/23/2012 2:18PM

    Thank you for your honesty - for "saying" the things so many of us feel. Some things in life are painful, it's part of our experience. Jobs, relationships, friendships, loss.

You are insightful, intelligent, beautiful, strong and lovable. You'll never go back to being who you were. Never. Even weight gain can't change what you've learned about yourself.

With respect - and love - xxoo

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NUMD97 11/14/2012 2:27PM

    Wow. I followed the SP crumb trail and found your blog. We share an SP buddy. I totally get what you're saying. You are imploding with what it feels like to let "life" in. Hermetic stuff we get. We have no one to explain our behavior to, because no one is there. We want the outside world to come in. Yet, what you describe, perfectly describes someone I know. There are so many new things that are nice when we feel good about ourselves, that it makes it easier for others to be around. When we slip, someone has to be blamed and it's just too hard to internalize it now that we've "escaped". Does that make sense?

So little of this lifestyle change has to do with actual weight loss. It's the other stuff in our brain that's at issue, and delving deeply is problematic for a number of reasons, different for each of us. But I agree with SouthPondCamp: Call the guy. Let him in. Let him know what is happening and why. If he loves you, as you seem to indicate, he will want to understand. And perhaps in explaining it to him, you will have more insight yourself.

I don't want to offer simplistic answers to a very complex problem. All I know is, it takes time to undo the massive issues from our past. One brick at a time.

I wish you well in your quest,

Nu

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SOUTHPONDCAMP 11/14/2012 1:39PM

    ohhhh.....wow. I have so been there...and feel greatly for you!

I'm not sure which sparker said this...but you need to make that inner fat girl cry. Outer fit girl cries real tears of anger, frustration, sadness...inner fat girl cries sweat. So..GO MAKE HER CRY. Seriously. She's messing with your head...you just ran a freakin' marathon...you have the mental strength...anyone who can run a marathon has huge mental strength. You've totally got this within you...this is just a slight detour.

Call your boyfriend. Really. Tell him what is in your head. Use lots of words---there isn't a way (at least that I know of) to explain the derailment/binge thing in a succinct paragraph. I've tried! My guy doesn't have a problem with food...it just doesn't make a lot of sense to him.

Tell him you know it makes no sense and you are still trying to figure things out in your head. Figure out what you need from him, if he is able, to help you get back on track. He probably wants to help and just doesn't know how! Then go for a run with him (back to making the inner fat girl cry!)

love and hugs....you are strong, awesome, and an athlete...go show that inner fat girl who is boss. xoxo



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SPUNKYDUCKY 11/10/2012 1:37PM

    Oh yeah babe - I feel you. What an amazing blog because we all go through this on the journey. When I am on - I am SO on - consistency is easy once I get on a roll, however the same is true when I am OFF - then I am so off and I also resent anyone who dares notice or try to help (heaven forbid people try to help us right). And yes, it is easier alone - but not rewarding. I wish I could say it was easy, or that I have it figured out (I don't) but I am right there with you trying to figure out a way to live that is MAINTAINABLE -something beyond consistency. I am not there yet, but I think it has to do with daily accountability and being able to reset and leave the past in the past. Let it go and just accept where you are - right this minute - because in the end it is all that matters


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LUEYGIRL 11/9/2012 4:40PM

    Thank you for writing this all down. And I also feel you might want to share this blog with your boyfriend - it says your feelings very clearly.

One thing that remains a constant struggle for me (and I am NOT losing weight like crazy) is the "forgive yourself after a setback." I logically understand that concept, but do not understand how to make it real for me.

I, too, have struggled with my self image all my life - the only dark-haired, very smart girl in a family with three blonde, "beautiful" sisters. And then I thought I had it under control into my 20s and thirties, working out and living at a good weight for me. And so much happened for me that was good - grad school, getting married...

But the fat girl crept into my psyche again and took over. I'm trying to put her into her place - because we don't ever get rid of who we were - we just need to learn how to integrate those parts of ourselves we don't particularly like and recognize what we learn from them. And we need to know we are not perfect and to FORGIVE ourselves for not being so.

You've come so far over a length of time. A few weeks are a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. Self-awareness is the first step. Start over again now.

I dont' have any clear cut answers, but I believe you'll find your way.

emoticon

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ON2VICTORY 11/8/2012 3:37PM

    boy I'll tell you what, that was the most honest, totally straight blog I have read in a while. it hit right in the heart.

The fat me? oh yeah....I have come so far and it seems like the fat me, the one who sabotages everything is right there to let me know he isnt gone yet.

It really seems to me that obesity is just as much an attitude as it is a physical condition. it always seems like that mentality is always lurking, stalking me.

You hit so many deep things that it is difficult to meaningfully comment on them all, for real.

Just know that you are not alone in your struggle and what you are fighting is totally normal. You are not the only one that has had stuff like that happen.

like you, I was a total loner because of my weight but now that alot of it is gone and it seems like I have it together, I find myself still separating myself from people, making excuses, feeling like I have to choose between being "normal" or pushing hard to meet my goals... no middle ground. It seems like the bigger the goal, the more militant you have to be to reach it and it changes you.

people just dont get what it is like to be morbidly obese then have to become almost like a superhero to lose it.

dont know if I am making sense but I want you to know that I can relate. its hard.

hang in there... oh btw... the sage advice about eating before a party...choose only the healthy options... lol... reality check.

all of that stuff is easy to say when one is reading it on a computer screen but flies out the window when you drop into a situation like you described.

such advice is totally "combat ineffective" and unrealistic.

also... I also got a little like that after my marathon... drifted, didnt care etc.... that stuff can happen, trust me.

you will come around. honest.... trust a fellow "vet"

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MANLEYSANDY 11/7/2012 7:24PM

    I have spent a lot of my life trying to be what I thought I should be because someone or something else projected an ideal of what I should be. My life has not been my own because I thought I should be someone that I was not and in the process I hated myself. My point here is I hated myself based on other people's standards, not my own. For example, I would feel guilty because I like to drink the whole bottle of wine and eat mexican food after, because you can't be healthy and fit and perfect if you do that, right?. Well, first I don't do it everyday, but I have grown to accept the fact that I am gonna keep doing it, it is who I am, I make no apologies, and I have to work around it. If you want to eat the bag of candy, eat it, but I know it is not the actual eating of the candy that is the issue, it is the why you are eating the candy. Don't get mired down in candy or how much you ate or drank at the party, who doesn't like to get trashed once in awhile. Life is going to happen, but be present in it now, live it now, be happy now, stop hating things about yourself for things that are just inherently you. You can only change then if don't like them or then embrace them.

I may only be a virtual observer in your journey, but I think what you are doing and have done is extraordinary. I truly care about your struggles and I know you can move on from here, you know how to do it, but I also know that hate just gets you know where!!


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KBARRY23 11/7/2012 9:53AM

    You are much stronger than you know (and think right now)...just look back on what an amazing journey you've had. It'll help you get through the hard times. I can totally relate!

We should plan a meet up in Chicago - I'm just a minute north in Evanston...or train for another race!!

Keep getting back up because that's all we can do to move forward. emoticon

Kristen

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LAURIETAIT 11/7/2012 1:11AM

    I think maybe is you let Nikhil read this blog he might just understand your struggle a little better. Reining in your eating in a social situation is tough. In relationships I find myself eating like a man. My husband is 6'3" 300+ lbs. I can't keep up with that but I try. It's frustrating but knowing what the problems are is halfway to solving them. Hang in there. Better days ahead.

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LOTUSFLOWER 11/6/2012 10:10PM

    Thank you for sharing this. It's something not talked about often with large weightless and I go through these cycles and feel like I am crazy. Just tonight I had my hand in the Halloween candy and snapped at the kids and Jim because I instantly felt awful. Going so far as telling Jim I wasn't happy and that I don't know why we had kids. Things I didn't mean. But food and the chemicals from eating too much makes us do crazy things. I don't know if I ever will shake that fat girl. She always rears her head. But slowly my hope is that she transforms...it is not easy. Just please know that you are not alone..sometimes it's a day by day thing, others a minute by minute. I love you and am always here. I wish I wasn't in the burbs!

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SEPPIESUSAN 11/6/2012 7:03PM

    Very well-written. I could relate with a lot of the things you said about the clash between socializing and working to control your weight. I hope you and your boyfriend are able to have a healthy conversation about things and patch things back up.

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MOCOHOLO 11/6/2012 4:48PM

    What a brave blog! If you figure this all out, I hope you post again. I'm sure that you'll be able to explain yourself to Nikhil and that you guys will be speaking to each other soon. I've been in a mostly off the wagon situation myself lately. I think it's because I'm frustrated with my weight and going home at Christmas to see my parents who've both lost a considerable amount of weight, while I have not. I have a general "why bother" kind of attitude right now. But your candid and courageous blog make me want to renew my efforts to lose at least a couple of pounds in the next 5 weeks. It's possible... no need to give up! I get the hermit thing too. I think as we lose weight, we get more confident and find more friends and go to more things, and then the food and alcohol is there and our friends are enjoying and it's so easy to say me too or just this once. I don't know how to stay vigilant all the time and to be honest right now I'm suffering from a little diet/fitness fatigue. I'm just tired of obsessing about calories in and out. :) Anyway, let me stop babbling here. Just know that you're not alone in this feeling and I'm here to support you! I wish I was in Chicago so we could hang out! If you ever come to Phoenix, you better let me know!

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-POOKIE- 11/6/2012 2:42PM

    Wow, can I really relate to this blog.

When I started losing weight, I had a boyfriend, who after I lost a couple stone, stopped wanting to let him feed me, dumped without reason (well the reason was he couldn't enjoy the change in me).

So I was also single for nearly the whole time I was trying to lose. I briefly dated, had plenty of flings, but nothing serious, then when I met my now fiance I was only about 10 lbs off goal... and got gastric flu and met my goal *laughs*

I maintained while we where not living together, then after surgery, when we moved, so many things changed and the cosy evenings of a takeaway, or sharing a box of cookies (like I literally just finished and feel slightly sugar rushed from) or the little thoughts you could put aside if nobody encouraged you, but you always do because hey, eating out is fun, trying new things is fun.

and that adds up to 40lbs of fat Im not shifting and feeling miserable.

*hugs*

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SENIMMO 11/6/2012 2:36PM

    emoticon Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, climb back on track, smooth over the rumpled relationship (you know you will feel better once you do) and get on with it. Remember, you are emoticon emoticon emoticon

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