KITHKINCAID   37,470
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KITHKINCAID's Recent Blog Entries

Graduation Day

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The news about the weather today in Chicago started about 3 days ago. Seriously. They've been hyping this HUGE COLOSSAL WIND STORM that is going to take down trees and uproot buildings and put us out of power for weeks for days now. They've nicknamed it the "CHI-CLONE". Don't you love the media? They need to nickname everything now.

So needless to say, I was (only a little) concerned that my running morning happens to be Tuesday and that the Chiclone was set to descend upon the city this morning of all mornings - my last day of C25K training.

My alarm went off at 7:15am. It was very dark. The rain was pelting my window and I could hear the wind whistling. Um...SNOOZE BUTTON. 8:15am - a little brighter outside, but definitely not done raining yet - and here's where the argument starts in my head...

"If you're going to run today you need to get up NOW"
"But it's raining outside and I don't want to run in the rain - what if I slip and fall"
"Well, what if it's raining the day of the 5K? Are you going to give up and not run because it's raining then?"
"No"
"Well then you better get out of bed and train in the rain"
"I can train tonight after work. I promise."
SNOOZE BUTTON

9am - by now I HAD to get out of bed or I would be late for work (I know, I know - I get to sleep every morning until 9am - it's ridiculous). I got up and looked outside the window. It was windy, but the rain had stopped. It was too warm in my apartment. I had closed the windows because of the wind, but I was antsy for some fresh air so I cracked the door a bit. A gust of wind breezed in - the fresh smell of morning mixed with rain and wind - refreshing! Well - what if I went running now? I would be done my run in 45 minutes - that would put me at 9:45am - that's still enough time to have a shower and get out of the house by 10:30am. Hmmm - maybe I WILL run now. Yep, I'm gonna run. Really? Really.

So I chowed down a banana, drank a couple of glasses of water and dressed in my new running gear. Yep - I was running. A wonderful feeling washed over me. I was opting to run over not running. I guess that really makes me a runner - right?

Out the door - the morning was actually quite beautiful. It was overcast, and a bit humid from the rain, but the wind was cool and would be at my back for most of my route. I set my iPod to Week 9, Day 3 and off I went.

Well - it wasn't the greatest run. My new tech shirt kept riding up and showing my belly, so I had to keep pulling it down. My energy tanked before I even hit my second mile marker and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to shoot for any extra distance today. I had to dodge a lot of broken tree limbs on the sidewalk, so my focus wasn't where it should have been. And that wind that was supposed to be at my back kept changing and blowing my hair in my face. It was warmer than it has been for my last few runs, so I tuckered out too soon.

BUT - I RAN! I completed my 30 minutes (31 in fact because I finished the block I was running after my time was up) at the 2.5 mile marker. W9D3 complete. C25K training complete. Now all I have to do is run a 5K.

I started this program 12 weeks ago - August 2, 2010.
When I started I weighed 277 pounds. I was heavier than I wanted to be and was convinced that I was too fat to ever run for 30 minutes straight.
I proved myself wrong.

Today I weigh 255. 22 pounds in 12 weeks, and I know it's because I'm running. Sure I'm eating right and I do other exercise too, but my body LOVES to run.

Today is Graduation Day. Even though it wasn't my best run, today I have accomplished something more than I ever thought I was capable of. Today wasn't about book smarts, or getting a good job, or being top of my class. It was about me, and the pavement and choosing to run. This isn't something that will go in my professional bio. But it is something that I can count on to change my life for the better. The personal feeling of satisfaction that no food can ever HOPE to match. I did something, and I did it for me. I may not be the best, I may not be the fastest - but none of that matters. What matters is that I did it, and I am so proud of me.

I am a runner!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LAURIETAIT 11/9/2010 3:23PM

    emoticon on your first 5K. I aiming to run one in the spring. You inspire me to keep striving toward it. I hope the high from the experience lasts a good long time. You should be extremely proud of yourself.
You are emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 11/5/2010 10:35PM

    "my body LOVES to run"

That is so freaking awesome.

I am so proud of you.

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KRAWRS 10/28/2010 2:39PM

    Fantastic! Congratulations on choosing to run over not running!!!

btw, they nicknamed it Chiclone? REally? wow. I'm in the chicagoland area too... I live under a rock though, so I didn't know about the nickname. But someone else was talking about how its always "Winter Storm 2012" or "Summer Draught '99" or whatever now. Silly newscasters/etc. There were tornados though, and it was super windy.... but not the end of the world.

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CALLIKIA 10/28/2010 11:25AM

    "I am a runner!"

Yep! WTG!!

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MANLEYSANDY 10/27/2010 7:50PM

    Your awesome! I admire those who embrace running! You go girl!

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FARLEY_GIRL 10/27/2010 3:32PM

    woohooo!!!! That is absolutely fabulous!!! I'm not into running yet, but I had that same conversation w/ myself today about going for my 3 mile walk w/ my dog. It sucks before we do it, but we feel so much better afterwards :-)

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MLAYESKI 10/27/2010 1:13PM

    Congratulations!!!! You've got determination. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JMEPAYNE 10/27/2010 10:59AM

    YOU DID IT!!!!! congrats!

also... wtf? 10:30am! I NEED THAT GIG! lol

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CHICAT63 10/27/2010 5:24AM

    Congratulations, you are a Runner emoticon

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MORRIS1989 10/26/2010 11:38PM

    I think that's great. you should be so proud of yourself,and you kept your word good for you. emoticon

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RIGBY31 10/26/2010 11:28PM

    omgosh... I cannot EVEN wrap my brain around running yet. Good for you... look over your shoulder, one day I'll be right behind you (I'm in Calif so just theoretically speaking...I'm not a stalker).
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LAURIETAIT 10/26/2010 10:48PM

    Congratulations! You may never put it in a professional bio but you can certainly put running in your resume under "interests"! I 'm doing C25K too. I am so impressed that you went out a did it in the rain. I'm supposed to run tonight too but I have put it off because of the wind and the rain.
You are emoticon emoticon

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WYND10 10/26/2010 10:33PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TANSHAN1 10/26/2010 10:14PM

    WooHoooo! You go girl!!!

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LOTUSFLOWER 10/26/2010 10:06PM

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon You are a runner!!! You are a C25K graduate!!!! I am so proud of you!!!!! AND you did it in the HUGE COLOSSAL WIND STORM!! Nothing. I repeat NOTHING can hold you back!!!

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SGRAY478 10/26/2010 8:18PM

    Congrats lady!! I am soo proud of you!

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KT-NICHOLS-13 10/26/2010 8:14PM

    Woo Hoo! Graduation Day ... You did! Enjoy the high from it all.

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DISTAN 10/26/2010 8:08PM

    emoticon

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The Zone: Velocity = Distance/Time

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I've been thinking a lot about science lately. I never really got much out of my science classes - to me there were just a lot of equations to memorize and not enough practical applications. I'm a hands on learner in every sense of the word. My dad always used to help us with practical applications of science - and he made it so much fun to learn, I had trouble sitting in class and drilling numbers into my head. Life is about experimentation, and having something in front of me that I could pick apart and explain just made learning so much easier.

Weight loss is not an exact science by any means. You're supposed to adhere to the "3500 calories = 1 pound" rule for the weekly deficit, but I can't tell you how many times that has not worked when it comes to my body. But one thing that I do know is that speed, velocity, will always equal distance over time. And more and more, the fitter and healthier I get, velocity is now something that I can control - in both my exercise and my weight loss.

I think about this equation a lot when I'm swimming. Swimming, over any other sport, puts me in THE ZONE. Something about the rush of water past your ears as you're swimming laps, that feeling of being weightless, but working hard at the same time, puts me right inside my head. I get more thinking done in the pool than anywhere else in my life. I talk to myself a lot in the pool. Sometimes it's about pushing myself harder, faster. Most of the time it's about counting (I count my laps in sets of 5 and 10 - I can't tell you how many times I've counted to 5 in my head while swimming). But sometimes, when I really get into my rhythm - breathe in, stroke, stroke, breathe out, kick, kick - I go to another place altogether where nothing hurts, nothing is hard, and I'm almost flying. This is The Zone. This is where I want to be.

More and more I've been trying to transfer this feeling into other exercises. My running is one of those places where I can almost get there now. I know I'll need The Zone when I run my 5K in a couple of weeks. I'll need to go to that place to push through - to ignore the other runners, to breathe through any fatigue in my muscles, to settle in to it and burn it and just do it. Velocity = Distance/Time. And I can control my velocity. I can monitor my breathing. I can slow my pace if I need to. But bottom line is that I can do it.

We're all on this journey together. Everyone is constantly moving. The earth is hurdling through space as we speak. But only I have the power to slow it down when I need to. Get in The Zone, and all of a sudden the speed at which I'm moving doesn't seem to matter any more. Time goes by, distance goes by, and I'm moving through it. As fast or as slow as I need to.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AUTUMNPOTTER 10/21/2010 7:40PM

    I love the water too there is just something about it. I don't swim laps yet just two tire me out but I will get there. I mostly do water aerobics and PT exercises for my knee. I spend hours in the pool. emoticon

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LOTUSFLOWER 10/21/2010 7:07PM

    You are so right. That zone is important, and only we can slow ourselves down. Great blog!!

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CALLIKIA 10/21/2010 4:34PM

    I've been trying to figure this out all day but I think it's above my head. Did I ever tell you that I *hate* science? I feel like the profs were always speaking some unknown, unspoken, lost language to me. I kept looking at them going, HUH?

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KT-NICHOLS-13 10/21/2010 2:55PM

    I knocked on the door of "The Zone" the other day when I ran a 5K, I even peaked through the window! Now that I'll be training without music maybe I'll kick down that door and make myself at home.

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JMEPAYNE 10/21/2010 2:32PM

    lord knows the science of 3500 calorie burn= 1 pound loss never actually seems to add up on the scale with me either. I like your take on things.
i love the ZONE... it's the only time i ignore everything around me, but it's so hard to accomplish.

p.s. where do you swim? i'm DYING to find a pool in chicago!

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Voted Popular Blog Post: View All Popular Posts

6 Months of Spark - A Celebration

Friday, October 15, 2010

When I woke up this morning the air was crisp. I had my duvet pulled up to my nose and my cat was curled up in his usual ball of warmth at my side. A perfect morning to laze around and stay in bed too long, making myself late for work.

But that's only what I would have done 6 months ago.

This morning, I pulled back the covers to the chilly morning air, arose from the comfort and warmth of my sheets and my cat and laced on my brand new Saucony running shoes - a gift to myself for 50 pounds lost and my six month Sparkversary.

Six months ago I couldn't talk on the phone and walk at the same time without the person on the other end questioning me if I was running a marathon. I wheezed for breath at every turn. Today I ran over 2 miles in 28 minutes. Today I celebrated my lungs and my bones and my feet and my breath. Today I am healthier and happier than I have been in years. Today is a good day.

Six months ago I would have hit the snooze button ad-infinitum - wasting my morning, wasting my life away in bed. This morning, I seized the day by the shoelaces on my sneakers and accomplished feats of athleticism in the early morning chill. It wasn't easy. No piece of cake. But I did it. And therein lies the difference.

Six months ago I did not. Today, I do.

Today I packed my lunch. Today I drank my water. Today I am caring for myself in a way that I have never cared for myself before. Today I notice how I am feeling. And I make the adjustments, and do the things that I know will make me feel even better. And therein lies the difference.

Six months ago I smothered my feelings with food. Today, I feel.

In the next six months I will lose another 50 pounds. I will run a 5K, and maybe a 10K. I will travel to Germany at least 60 pounds lighter than the last time I went to Europe. I will turn 30 knowing that the next decade of my life will be so much better than the last decade. And therein lies the difference.

Six months ago I "couldn't". Today, I will.

Thank you SparkPeople for 6 months of Accountability, Acceptance and Affirmation. Here's to many more months to come. To my wonderful Sparkfriends who have walked with me every step of this journey so far - thank you! I look forward to running with you in the months to come.

In Six Months I Am:

53 pounds lighter
50 inches smaller (that's over 4 feet!)
Miles fitter
Platefuls healthier

...And so, so much happier.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ONE6OH 11/5/2010 10:48PM

    Reading your post made my chest swell with pride and I don't even know you. Your testimony is an inspiration to all who want to feel healthier, thinner and energized.
Thanks for sharing.

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HONEYBUNCH24 11/5/2010 10:41PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 11/5/2010 10:36PM

    Go rock star.

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MELADUKE1 11/1/2010 10:26PM

    I love the way you write, and I am so happy for your success. Keep up the Great work!!!

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EDWARDS1411 10/30/2010 8:43PM

    Great blog - and GREAT success in just six months!!!
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LIGHTHOUSE0403 10/30/2010 8:55AM

  Thank you for sharing!
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BANDBTEAM 10/30/2010 7:58AM

    emoticon emoticon

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REBECCAW84 10/29/2010 11:39AM

    So great, Awsome!

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WINTERPARKS33 10/28/2010 3:39PM

  A beautiful post. Isn't it amazing how great life can be!

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SHECHAM 10/27/2010 10:31PM

    Congratulations on your marvelous success! Isn't Sparkpeople awesome??? emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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HLTHYRNRMOM 10/27/2010 5:54PM

    wooohoo!! YOU GO GIRL!!

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BECKYLYNNE77 10/27/2010 5:40PM

    that is awesome emoticon emoticon

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JFO0357 10/27/2010 5:03AM

    Very motivating! Congrats!

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PINKTEACHER 10/26/2010 8:15PM

    This was so inspiring. I hope you don't mind, but I'm adding you so that I remember to read your blogs.

"Six months ago I "couldn't". Today, I will. " - I want to be saying that come April. emoticon

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RANDOM00B 10/25/2010 4:42PM

    Congratulations on the 50lbs+ & 50inches+ lost. More importantly, congratulations on the new perspective!

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JENJESS48 10/25/2010 1:14PM

    Amazing progress, Jenn! You're truly an inspiration.

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DARKANGEL062 10/25/2010 12:32PM

    emoticon

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 10/25/2010 7:43AM

    I'm so happy for you!

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JKTENTATIVE 10/25/2010 12:08AM

    Beautifully written and heartfelt blog...thanks so much for sharing. It was a joy to read this.

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L*I*T*A* 10/24/2010 11:01PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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WAIANAEGAL 10/24/2010 5:40PM

    What a wonderful blog... Thank You so much for the inspiration and know that emoticon !!!

Blessings to you,
Carlene

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HOWLERMOM 10/24/2010 3:44PM

    Inspirational and so true - Thanks! emoticon emoticon

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GRAYDASH 10/24/2010 3:02PM

    very nicely written!

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TAMNTN 10/24/2010 12:27PM

    Great reflections!!! Awesome, Awesome, AWESOME!!! Keep it up! :)

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BARBARAJ73 10/24/2010 9:39AM

    emoticon your words are very encouraging. Thanks for sharing!

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KEELY128 10/24/2010 8:31AM

    emoticon

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JIBBIE49 10/24/2010 2:03AM

    emoticonWonderful to see your blog as a FEATURED Blog. emoticon

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VIUDANEGRA 10/24/2010 12:40AM

  emoticon thanks for all the encouragement and cont to do and send us messages like these thanks

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CATLOVER110 10/23/2010 10:51PM

    emoticonGood for you! What an inspirational blog!

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SLIMMER58 10/23/2010 10:09PM

  emoticon Congratulations on 6 months of great achievements. Sparks certainly has helped me believe that I can not only lose weight and keep it off but more importantly, also live a healthier life. Reading your blog justifies that belief!

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KRAWRS 10/23/2010 8:40PM

    Wow! Great job! You have really motivated me! I loved this blog. Thank you for reminding me why I am here... I want this to be me in six months! You've done great, and I have no doubt you will continue to do great! High five!!

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GINGERVISTA 10/23/2010 6:33PM

    Nothing like a new pair of shoes as motivation. emoticon
You're emoticon

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LOGOULD 10/23/2010 4:57PM

    How wonderful it is that you have your life back! What a reason to CELEBRATE!!! WOO HOO!!!

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SPEEDY143 10/23/2010 4:25PM

    Its a wonderful life and YOU are living it!!!!! Thanks for sharing emoticon

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NEED2LOSE40BIN 10/23/2010 1:06PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SMILEYBEE 10/23/2010 11:02AM

    Wow! Great job! emoticon

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PELESJEWEL 10/23/2010 9:41AM

    Congratulations my friend!! You not only look fantastic, your projection of health, happiness, inner strength, power, pride, confidence, just oozes out of every word you just wrote. You believe in YOU now and that in itself is the gift!

Comment edited on: 10/23/2010 9:43:10 AM

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YELLOWBRICKRD 10/23/2010 9:41AM

    emoticon

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MARIAND123 10/23/2010 9:00AM

    Awesome thanks for sharing. This was very encouraging for me today.

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ZOEJADA 10/22/2010 10:36PM

    Congratulations on your 6 month anniversary! You're doing great and you have a terrific attitude!
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MEADSBAY 10/22/2010 8:57PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

I am sososososososo happy for you!

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BRITCHES82 10/22/2010 8:50PM

    This is a very inspiring blog! Good job!!!! Keep it up! PS... I LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE :)

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JHUNEBUGROCKS 10/22/2010 2:42PM

    Auf Weidersen!!! I think you just changed the way my brain hears the word "TODAY" because of the way you said it. TODAY is a brand new day, let's Spark together!!!

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VANILLAMAMA 10/22/2010 2:23PM

  Heres to the next six months. You can do this!

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CRYERMAMA 10/22/2010 2:12PM

    Your blog has encouraged me to continue. I was really down this morning because I actually gained 1/2 lb. this week and was ready to give up. You have shown me what I have to look forward to. I too am having trouble walking without losing my breath, but I will walk every day and will soon be where you are. Thanks! emoticon

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ANUSCHKA9 10/22/2010 2:10PM

    This is so inspiring. Thank you.

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ANNA--BANANA 10/22/2010 1:52PM

    Oh my Lord, this blog made me cry! But with happiness - what beautiful things to be celebrating! I look forward to being able to write such a blog for my 6 month Sparkversary! Congratulations to you!

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SLR00570 10/22/2010 1:50PM

    I love this blog soooo much! I started my, "I can, I will, and I did" today. Thanks for the inspiration! emoticon

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EMILYBBB 10/22/2010 12:38PM

    Thanks for the blog. Very inspiring.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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STEVENGO2 10/22/2010 11:56AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon and for the future goals emoticon also have a emoticon to celebrate your spark! emoticon

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Belle of the Ball

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I'm really lucky in my job that I get to go to a lot of Openings, Benefits and other special functions. Sometimes it's a pain in the butt, but then I just think about how fortunate I am to be able to schmooze with some really important people and dress up for fancy occasions!

Last night was one of my theatre company's annual benefits. Since we are a musical theatre company, the benefits are usually singing concerts performed by company members and other friends of the theatre. Last night was especially cool, because it involved some of my most favorite voices in the city of Chicago singing their favorite, "knock em out of the ballpark" audition pieces. So we got to hear selections from many of my favorite musicals sung by some of the most talented people I know. The whole goal of the evening was to raise money for the company as well - which we managed to do, despite a small crowd. So it was win-win all round.

To top off a great evening, absolutely everyone there told me how beautiful I looked - which felt pretty damn good. Here's a sample:




Showing off those killer shoes and my newly shaped "runner's legs" - they're coming along nicely!






I feel so great! I haven't been able to dress up in a pretty dress and really feel wonderful in a very long time. In fact - when I did for my brother's wedding a year ago, I thought I felt wonderful, until the pictures came back from the event and I realized just how far gone I was. It took all the joy out of that day for me. I was huge - and the dress and the hair and the shoes couldn't do anything to change that.

This dress has been my go-to number for years now. And last night was the last time I will ever wear it. It is now too big (even last night I was having problems filling out the boobs in it), so it's up for grabs! If anyone is a Size 22 and would like this black dress and the gorgeous purple dress that I wore to my brother's wedding, let me know. I'd love for them to go to someone I know will wear them again. They are both a generous 22 and I wore them between sizes 20-26. They are meant for someone taller and boobier than me too, so you definitely don't have to be 5'2" to wear them!

Unfortunately, it was the last night for those shoes too. They've been sitting in my closet for too long and have become brittle - so one of the straps snapped as I was taking them off (FINALLY) last night. But I wore those suckers for 6 hours yesterday and was fine! Wow - that's an improvement in and of itself. I only dream of the shoes (and boots!) that are to come...drool.

For now though, I will go on feeling like the Belle of the Ball...every single day. Because I AM beautiful. And I'm finally starting to see it and believe it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MMS354 10/19/2010 4:19AM

    You look so pretty! Great make-up and hair, fantastic smile and glow! Can't wait to see the new go-to dress!

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CALLIKIA 10/18/2010 10:17AM

    You look amazing!! Honestly, gorgeous! And if you can't find anyone else to take those dresses off your hands, you just let me know! ;) I'm amassing a small army of "clothes that WILL fit me soon!" pieces. *lol*

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TEENY_BIKINI 10/17/2010 3:20AM

    Yup. You are le gorgeous. Isn't getting dressed up so fun? I am glad you are strutting you beautiful stuff.

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AUTUMNPOTTER 10/15/2010 6:34PM

    You look great but more importantly you feel great! I LOVE the shoes so sad they were ruined.

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BRISHELL95 10/13/2010 7:39AM

    emoticon

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BADASSBLONDIE 10/12/2010 7:08PM

    Congratulations! You looked absolutely stunning.

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KT-NICHOLS-13 10/12/2010 5:22PM

    **Double Take** HONEY, you look FABULOUS!

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SLFRISBEY 10/12/2010 5:20PM

    Lookin' Good!!! Nothing like feeling like a million bucks! emoticon

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WYND10 10/12/2010 3:31PM

    So pretty!!!! *wolf whistle*

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JENJESS48 10/12/2010 3:26PM

    Absolutely gorgeous! You SHOULD feel great about the way you look! emoticon

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LOTUSFLOWER 10/12/2010 3:04PM

    You are gorgeous!!!!!!! Really beautiful Jenn!!!

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-POOKIE- 10/12/2010 2:59PM

    Looking good!!

And yes, you are beautiful, so believe it.

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LYDIASPURPLE 10/12/2010 2:57PM

    ma Belle, I am diggin the shoes. At least they gave you 6 hours to feel pretty in. Congrats!

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What Quitting Looks Like Now

Thursday, October 07, 2010

I gotta be honest with you - I thought 50 pounds would never come. And when I really step back and look at it, it didn't take that long at all. But when we're caught up in the day to day grind of not seeing the numbers we want on the scale, when we feel battle-worn and bruised, the idea of "quitting" can seem an easy leap to make. Screw this. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore.

But what exactly is "this"?

Eating good food. Exercising more (which I am learning to really enjoy). Feeling better about myself inside and out. Looking better in a mirror. Shedding pound after pound of emotional weight along side the physical pounds lost.

And what is "quitting"?

Eating fast food today - all day. And then maybe tomorrow. And then maybe the next day too. Sitting on my butt in front of the television. Binging. Feeling like I'm going to burst the seat out of my pants. Wheezing for breath. Having trouble sleeping because my fat is suffocating me. Feeling regret, and hatred, and depression with each and every pound I gain. Being in denial over how big I really am.

Why on earth would I want to quit? I don't care if it takes me a month to lose the next 2 pounds, "THIS" is still better than "QUITTING". Hands down.

I've talked a little in the past about physical vs. emotional thresholds. I believe that the body has a series of these that are just as hard to cross going up as they are going down. I remember when I was still gaining weight, I hung out at 280 pounds and then 290 pounds for a really long time before I crossed over the threshold and continued to gain. But once I crossed over, the road between 281 and 290 was a short one at best...like we're talking a week. And it's been the same thing for me on the way down. I get really close to a big number and then it's like time freezes and I hang out there for a few weeks before something clicks and the scale drops me a big number. Then I lose like gangbusters for a couple of weeks and it's the same thing over again. I know now that I'm going to have to do this probably every 10 pounds. But I'm ok with that. I'm not going to be a person that can lose 10 pounds in a month, ever. But since my physical weight loss is coinciding so much with my emotional weight loss, I don't think I'm a person that could handle losing 10 pounds of "brain fat" a month. It takes time to adjust while you're going down and this is just another reason that slower is better. I need those 3 weeks to get hung up on a number on the scale because it usually also means that I'm fighting through something mentally that I also have to break through to move on.

While I was looking at 47.6 pounds lost for the past 3 weeks, I was contemplating quitting. I told myself a lot of things over those 3 weeks. Maybe this was my limit. Maybe I was meant to be a fat person for the rest of my life. Maybe I couldn't really do this. I even started having dreams that I was going to die, because it was easier for me to think about dying an early death than to ever be thin. That's some serious business right there. But that's how far off "thin" feels to me. I have been living in a fat body for my whole, entire life. The idea that someday (and someday soon) I might not have to anymore is terrifying. So much so that it's easier to think that I'm going to die before that ever happens.

I was also thinking about eating. A lot. I was thinking about how much I missed fast food. And fries. I blogged about my weekend of more wine than water. And I ate the fries. I let that happen and then got right back on track. I've been drinking at least TEN glasses of water every day this week. And I'm not craving fries anymore. And that's what life looks like right now. I didn't quit. I actually didn't even really "cave". I just did something that anyone (even a thin person) would do in that situation. I allowed myself what I needed and then I moved on. There was no falling off the wagon. No big, dramatic "IT'S OVER" moment. It was a plate of french fries, and a bottle of wine and now I'm down 50 pounds.

I'm not saying that eating a plate of french fries and drinking a bottle of wine helped me lose those last 2.4 pounds. Probably just the opposite. But getting over that mental hurdle maybe did. Who knows how it happens. The body works in mysterious ways, and mine especially I have come to understand will do what it wants to do when it wants to do it. But I am growing patience by the day, and I'm doing everything right. This will happen for me. And there is no longer such a thing as "quitting". It doesn't exist in my vocabulary. Because quitting doesn't look the same anymore. It's not bright and shiny. It's not the thing I can't have. It's the thing I've had for all too long, and I'm DONE with it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SASSYSUNFLOWER 10/16/2010 12:23PM

    Another great blog! I am going to make sure I read your inspiration everyday, even if it is re-reading some of the ones you have here. I am determined to loss!!!!!! I joined spark people over a year ago and gave up on it. I look back at the year and thought about how much I would have lost already, how healthy I would be, how fit! But I can't dweal on what could've been I have to do the NOW!!! I am in my 4th week and feeling GREAT!!! I know it will take time to loss and I am willing to take the time. I didn't put it all on in a month or two, so I know it won't come off in that short of time. Thank you!

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MAMADWARF 10/15/2010 10:00PM

    Im adding you. You rock!

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SARABLUE69 10/14/2010 4:36PM

    You are looking great. Its these great inspirations that keep us all going. And we all feel that way once in awhile. More times then i care to count. But i keep telling myself it will pay off soon...I have no patience, so after 3 weeks of consistanly walkng, incorporating fruits and veggies, h2o and giving up the "bad" stuff, my brain says"i should be skinny", but i'm not. But i like to walk now and i love veggies, so i know this is great progress. That mind of matter, is hard. Hang in there as there isn't a better plan thus far.

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WYND10 10/12/2010 10:20AM

    This is a great blog. Very well written (as usual), and really got into my head. So much so I've been thinking about it since you posted it. I still don't know how to formulate exactly how it made me feel, except that it did make me feel and think. Thank you Jenn.

And just know I think you're amazing :).

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MMS354 10/10/2010 12:59PM

    Yes! Fantastic blog! And good for you for figuring out a tough lesson and passing it on to us. Thank you.:)

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ELAPOINTE 10/10/2010 9:34AM

    you know, you're TOTALLY right about that 2-3 weeks hangup before the pound or two actually shed...its like our body's way of telling us "wait for it...wait for it...you've *almost* earned it..............." so we have to fight harder for it. and its weird, because we have these amazing brains that tell us to breathe, and walk, and talk, and run and all the functions that we either do or don't have control over, and weight is one of those things...we want to lose it, we work our bodies SO HARD to lose it...but it sticks and it seems its the one thing about us that we have NO control over...we had control of it getting into our bodies though, so maybe the waiting game is the penance? either way, i'm glad you didn't quit...you've been such an inspiration to me...made me feel like i was worth the extra time and effort that no one else was going to give me to make this happen. thanks again jenn, for an amazing blog!

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FREEDOM_GIRL 10/9/2010 9:27AM

    I totally agree, and feel the same way. Quitting is not an option at this point! Keep up the awesome work! emoticon

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AFITJULIE 10/8/2010 12:31PM

    Perfectly stated!

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SMOCKON 10/7/2010 4:58PM

    Wow! What a fantastic blog!

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GETFIT2LIVE 10/7/2010 4:07PM

    Well said--my feelings exactly. When I think about 'quitting,' I realize I don't ever want to go back to that old lifestyle that got me where I was at the start of this journey. Yes, I will occasionally have fries and wine and fast food, but I don't LIKE how that stuff makes me feel when I eat it much of it or eat it very often. It's a whole new lifestyle and, more importantly, a whole new mindset. Way to go--and congratulations on crossing that 50 pounds lost barrier! There are certain milestones that seem to take FOREVER to get to and pass, but it's worth the effort because WE are worth the effort!

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JENJESS48 10/7/2010 2:17PM

    Great blog! As usual, very thought-provoking.

And what I needed to hear. I've been stuck in a plateau for a long time, and/or losing and gaining the same 2 pounds every week or so. Yet quitting isn't an option for me, either. This feels too good. It feels right, as hard as it sometimes is. So yeah, perseverance is the name of the game. Both of us will lose the weight!

emoticon emoticon

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MAIA2011 10/7/2010 1:43PM

    Eating fast food today - all day. And then maybe tomorrow. And then maybe the next day too. Sitting on my butt in front of the television. Binging. Feeling like I'm going to burst the seat out of my pants. Wheezing for breath. Having trouble sleeping because my fat is suffocating me. Feeling regret, and hatred, and depression with each and every pound I gain. Being in denial over how big I really am.

GULTY!

I've almost quit (and actually quit) so many times this year and I have the weight gain to prove it. However, I am getting it and blogs like this really help. So, thank you!

emoticon

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CALLIKIA 10/7/2010 1:02PM

    We are in very similar places right now. I have to say that this idea of "quitting is not an option, there's nothing to quit. This is my life!" was HUGE! I have never reached this point before and that's why I know it's different. I told my husband, "I'm going to be the best looking, fittest, healthiest 350-pound woman you've ever seen then!". Suddenly I had grabbed my power back from the scale and I'll be damned if it didn't decide to start moving again! Yay for breaking through the mental battles and realizing that our "old" lives no longer hold the appeal they once did! There should be a Spark award for this moment.

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BROOKDOESLIFE 10/7/2010 12:42PM

    Wow, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I have actually been feeling that way(wanting to "quit")the past few weeks due to a little injury that has stopped my half marathon training. I wanted to give completely up, but I'm pulling out of it now.
Everything you said is true, and I like how you put it into words. I needed to hear this, so I thank you for writing this blog.


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CUTEANGEL79 10/7/2010 12:16PM

    wow thanks for that inspiration i know the feeling of wanting to give in but i recently started up again with fitness classes and i like theme ven though during them im aching

my major issue has been snacking but im learning to control that and feeling better about it yesterday i only had 1 extra snack and that was a yogurt keep up the good work and good luck

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LOTUSFLOWER 10/7/2010 12:15PM

    I am so proud of you. You are so right, quitting is not an option, but yes, tempting at times. I hear you about stalling, then losing, stalling, then losing. I am exactly the same way. Same when I was gaining the weight. Oh, how I remember 280 and 290...I stayed there forever until I crossed over, too. You are an inspirational, strong, amazing woman and I have no doubt you will get to to your goal, and how awesome that you are not looking at the clock impatiently wanting those lbs. to come off NOW. You are so right that it's an emotional journey, and I loved your reference to "brain fat". You are awesome. That's it. emoticon

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ROZELL99 10/7/2010 11:47AM

  I can certainly relate to this. There have been several times over the course of this year that called for a relaxed view of the stringent codes I have come to live by regarding diet and exercise. Occasionally it is a business dinner. Sometimes it is a social occasion such as an anniversary. Sometimes it just has to be done for no reason. The next day I get up, do my exercise and get back in the groove. There might have been a few too many of those recently since I have been the same weight for two weeks now.

Good blog, congratulations on your progress and good luck in the future.

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SMITTY35 10/7/2010 11:46AM

    What an inspiring blog to read - I'm down 30 with lots to go and stuck - haven't quite quit and gone back to my old ways, but not being good and making the changes stick as well as I thought I had. This is a great reminder to me that I am better than that, but that we are human. And that it was hard, and worth fighting to keep. I can't picture being thin either, I think that's the mental hang up right now keeping me from getting back to it. Thank you for the inspiration!
emoticon

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WCSTATEN 10/7/2010 11:34AM

  Whatever you do...... don't stop exercising!

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