New Life, New Blog

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Yesterday marked another Sparkversary for me. Hard to believe it's been 3 years. But yesterday also marked another anniversary. Yesterday I quit my full-time job. Amidst the bombs in Boston, my heart was racing for oh so many reasons. So many things in my life came full circle yesterday, and so, what better way to commemorate all those changes than with a new blog?

Follow me over here, won't you?

jenn-of-all-trades.blogspot.com/

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Ten Things I Hate About Binging

Sunday, March 24, 2013

I'm going to post this blog on my cupboard and try to refer to it when I get in that unstoppable mindset. Waking up the morning after a binge (a really big binge) has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. So here's a list of everything I really hate about what binge eating does to my body:

1. Heart palpitations and sweats from my body working so hard to digest all that extra food.
2. The salt hangover sensation in my mouth, like I haven't brushed my teeth in weeks.
3. The horrible empty/raw stomach feeling of the over production of acid in my belly.
4. Looking at all the wrappers in the trash and knowing what I have done.
5. Stinky, awful, putrid flatulence. I'm a walking sulfur bomb and it's disgusting.
6. The knowledge that no amount of hard exercise today is going to make up for what I ingested last night.
7. The feeling of the swing between hi and low blood sugar and the moods that the swing initiates.
8. Going to the fridge and realizing that I ate a bunch of things that I was saving for later.
9. Feeling lonely and depressed over what I've done. You can brag about exercise, you can't brag about binging.
10. The feeling of total lack of self control on top of the feeling of absolute control. I did exactly what I wanted to do, ate exactly what I wanted to eat and yet just couldn't stop myself from doing it.

All I can do now is move on and start over. Like I've tried to every time before. But ground zero is not a happy place to be. I've lost that happy place that got me this far and some days it feels like I'll never see it again. The things that worked for me before aren't working anymore, so I'm back to searching for the thing that will. And just trying not to destroy my progress thus far.

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NO.

Monday, March 11, 2013

How many times have you said "No" today? Last week? Last month?

It's a powerful word, but we tend to live in a "Yes" society and I can bet that most people here have a bit of a "Yes" problem. I know I do. I have guilt, I don't like to close doors, I feel like I'm going to miss out, like someone might be mad at me, like I'm obligated to participate, like I won't be asked again if I say "No".

And so I "Yes" all over the place. "Yes" to work, "Yes" to fun, "Yes" to social obligations and volunteer jobs and food. Oh man, I "YES" to food all the time.

But what happens when you try "NO" on for size? What REALLY happens when you "No" to some of these things? For me, it makes me feel powerful. Just for a split second, but it's there. I'm in control of myself. I don't have to "Yes" to everything. I can say "No" and people will find someone else to do that, or go there, or get this, or eat that. And you know what? They won't think twice about it. Because me saying "No" to something isn't really going to ruin their day. Really it's not. But saying "Yes" to something MIGHT just ruin mine.

Food for thought, but it just occurred to me recently that I get almost as much satisfaction out of saying "No" to myself and following up with the reason WHY I'm saying "No" as I do saying "Yes". When I say "Yes" it's usually to a binge. I'm saying "Yes" because I deserve it - and I do. I deserve to be full and fed and to meet my own needs. But how many times would saying "No" meet those needs just as well as saying "Yes"? The answer to that question is - A LOT. The more I say "No" and carve out my own space for myself and get what I REALLY want out of a situation, the less I need to say "Yes" to make up for feeling used and abused and put out all the time. I end up having to say "Yes" more to myself when I say "Yes" more to other people.

But what about the worrying? What about the guilt and the feeling that saying "No" means that people won't like you? Well - think about the last time that someone said "No" to you. Did you hold it over their head? Did you pass them up the next time something fun came along? Were you angry at them? Probably not. So why do we constantly assume that people won't respect our personal boundaries? Because we don't respect our own.

I'm delving into the world of "No". And that doesn't mean that I'm going to become a negative person. Just the opposite. "No" means that I am respecting my personal boundaries. It means that I am fully contemplating what to take in and take on. I'm making the BEST choices for myself, not just accepting the first thing that comes along. It's going to take some getting used to - but I'm optimistic. Because saying "YES" to a healthier me means knowing how and when to use my "No".

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Reset. Start Again.

Friday, March 01, 2013

I'm not proud. I said that I would NEVER EVER EVER again see a 2 in front of my weight. Currently I weigh 206.6 pounds. I need to fix that.

First goal is to get back to Onederland.

Second goal is to stop feeling like a sausage in my clothing.

Achievement of first goal will likely help the second.

I don't have time today for a long blog - my parents are in town and I'm going bike shopping for my Tri bike. Time to get back out there.

Today is Day 1...

Welcome Back!

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Ten Pound Warning

Thursday, February 07, 2013

I've gained a solid ten pounds since running the Marathon in October.

This happened in a myriad of ways - injury prevented me from running or zumba, Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, a month without drinking for December made me into a drinking fiend for January to make up for it, my schedule has been a nightmare leaving zero time for planning, cooking, or exercise, and to tell you the honest truth - eating like a glutton feels really good...until it doesn't.

Last week I had to go out and buy jeans in a Size 14, because there was just no more lying to myself and squeezing every roll of my fat ass into the 10s I was wearing before Christmas anymore. I'm trying not to be mean to myself. It's not working very well. Forgiveness doesn't come easily to me because it feels too much like an excuse and permission to continue the behaviours that have gotten me here.

I'm also torn about even writing this blog. People here tend to be of the "rah rah" variety and don't react well to struggle or set-backs. You're only liked when you're on the downward swing pound-wise or doing something amazing like training for the Iron Man, so the times when we need the most love and support are the times when friends are few and far between. And I know this because I'm guilty of it as well. There's an expectation here that at least half of your Spark Buddies are going to fail. I've seen it happen to far too many people myself, and I can't say that I haven't thought "told you so" too many times when people drop off my radar. But it takes one to know one, and now I'm sorry that I haven't been more supportive to others during these times.

It's hard. What do you really say to someone besides "chin up Charlie"? Cause the last thing I need to hear right now is "chin up Charlie" - it actually pisses me off. What I really want is someone to cry with me. Get down in the dirt with me. Wallow in self pity with me. Feel with me - because you know you've been there before and you know how tough this is for me right now. Don't tell me it's going to get better. Because the truth is, it's NOT going to get better unless I make it better. No one else can do this for me. So tell me how much you KNOW that life sucks when you feel like this. Because THAT it does - life pretty much sucks when you're not at the top of your "A" game. And when you know how much you are capable of because you have accomplished SO much in the not-so-distant past. But I feel like that was forever ago, and like I am so down and out of shape that I can't even run a block anymore, let alone a marathon. How did everything go downhill so fast?

My life is a series of pendulum swings right now. I'll do something great for myself like spend 30 minutes running on the treadmill, or getting back in the pool like I did last night. And I realize when I do those things that I'm not as out of shape as I feel and that I've still got it - deep down there. And I'll feel awesome, for about an hour. And then I'll come home and binge eat an entire bag of Reese's mini-cups, or chocolate cake, or pita chips (if it's there, I'll eat it...all of it). I wake up every morning with a sugar/carb hangover that is so bad, I resolve to fix it immediately. My intentions are all good, until I'm in line at Starbucks and ordering my regular breakfast AND an extra croissant. Why? Cause I deserve it. Because I did get my butt on the treadmill. Because I'm working so hard right now. Because I'm stressed to the absolute maximum of my capabilities. Because I hate my day job and it's a chore just to report for work in the morning. So damn well if I don't deserve a treat. Except I'm treating myself 4-5 times a day, and it's taking its toll on my stomach and my bank account. And I'm terrified that the habits that got me to 300lbs in the first place are gonna put me right back there if I don't get a handle on this now. I'm actually embarrassed when people ask me if I've lost more weight recently. And believe it or not, this has happened more in the last 2 weeks than in the last year. Maybe it's because I am finally wearing clothes that fit me - even though they're bigger, I'm not spilling over my jeans anymore. But I sure as hell have NOT lost any more weight. And that is just so totally depressing to me.

So here are a bunch of things that I would LIKE to do for myself. I'm not promising to do them right now. I'm too fragile to be my own drill sergeant for the time being. But maybe if I write them down and can refer to them, I might be able to convince myself to try a few times a week to be a little healthier, for myself, to get my healthy life back.

Rules for a Healthy Life

- Love Yourself. Remember how good it feels to sweat. How accomplished running and swimming makes you feel.
- Clean out the closet. Drag out the exercise gear and make sure it's on top.
- The crockpot is your friend. Find some new recipes or get what you need for the old ones you love.
- Bring your lunch. Eat the lunch you brought. Trust me. Just do it. At the end of the day, you will feel better for it. Of course Jimmy John's looks temptingly good, but it's just food, and the stuff you make has more value for you in your life.
- Get off the coffee & soda & sugar. This REALLY worked for you before, and it's essential to make this work again. Tea. Water. And after this 10 pounds comes off, you get a soda stream as a treat for fizzy lime & lemon water.
- Program a reminder in your computer to get up and stretch and get more water and use the bathroom every 2 hours. Your butt is permanently affixed to your chair and that's dumb. Get up!
- Ween yourself off fake sugars too. You think that they might be causing the over-eating spells, and you're probably right. That will be easier when you get off the soda as well.
- Remember - IT'S JUST FOOD. Eating out with friends doesn't mean you have to go crazy. No one cares or will remember what you ordered. Get picky. Remember how much you enjoyed the last time you ordered something lighter off the menu. You won't be deprived, and you'll feel better about your choices. Double win.
- Throw it out. Since this is such a HUGE challenge for you, we need to figure out how to make this work. Give it to a homeless person if you can't bear to toss it in the trash, but if there is food that makes it into your life that you can't handle or you know shouldn't be in your house, don't let it stay there.
- Find something else to ward off binge behaviour. No idea what this is right now because nothing feels as good as eating, but there IS something out there that you can do if you're feeling antsy. Just figure it out.
- Stay away from "Free Food" - there is no such thing as "free" food. Because all food comes with a price, and typically, the less you pay for it, the higher the calorie price. Work for what you eat. Know what you eat.
- Get back to tracking if you think it's going to help. But lose the attitude that comes with tracking. Don't let it deprive you or psych you out. If it does, don't do it. This is about a healthy lifestyle, not killing yourself to stick to the numbers.
- Stay off the scale until March.
- Run. Swim. Research the bike. Training season will be on us before you know it. Don't be a chub by the time you get there. Prepare yourself now and renew your love in it again. Look forward to the races you have on the books. Don't dread them. Bottle that marathon feeling and remember it. Dream about it. Savour the way a long run made you feel. You will have that back again. Go after it.
- Just try. Try every day. It sucks, but it's the reality. You're in for a lifetime of trying, and that's all that anyone can ask of you. But trying is better than not trying.

This is your Ten Pound Warning. Trying is better than not trying.

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