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Dreading Mother's Day & Focusing on Me & My Family For a Change

Thursday, May 05, 2011

My daughter had a blast at our home school tea party yesterday. It's always so nice to see her in her element, that is happily giggling with other girls and enjoying "girly" stuff. My daughter told me that I was the best dressed mom there at the tea party (she's so sweet) and considering I only had one skirt to choose from, that was nice to hear. My son had fun with my husband so it was a good day for both of them.

I'm getting so excited about finding cute clothes and jewelry now and it's fun because I think deep down I really loved those things, but I never cared about them when I was overweight because I figured, why bother?

I really have no dressy clothes to wear other than the one skirt I purchased and wore yesterday and a jacket-like shirt that I bought at TJ Maxx but haven't worn yet because I have no dress pants or right style of skirt to wear with it.

My daughter and I are really liking jewelry shopping now so I'm hoping to find some cute jewelry for both of us. I'm not looking for jewelry with gems (diamonds, ruby, etc.) and instead am looking for costume jewelry that's really cute and modern and up-to-date.

I don't want to look my age and don't want to look frumpy anymore, which is what I did so many years ago. I see pictures of me and wonder what in the world I was thinking and why I didn't care. I really did care, but I think I was so depressed from all the emotional issues in my family (mother/sister) that caring about my appearance was the last thing on my mind.

Which brings me to the worst day of the year for me, Mother's Day. No, it's not because of me being a mother, it's because I don't feel very warm and fuzzy towards my mother.

She has not called me or communicated with me in almost a year. I've done nothing to her for her to ignore me, but got tired of being the only one in the relationship doing anything to make it work and finally quit hitting my head against the wall and wasting so much energy and emotion on something that never accomplished anything. We've not had any yelling or screaming episodes (I'm so not into drama like she is) and just figured it was better for me to concentrate on my family and put my energy into them and not a person who gave birth to me but doesn't care about me.

It's a hard day for me because I feel obligated to send her something, but I can't be "fake" and send her a sentimental card or note because then I would be lying. She has never been the "motherly" type and once I finally accepted that she has a lot of narcissistic qualities, I was finally released from trying to make our relationship work because I realized she never tried or wanted it to work and I was just pushing myself on her and getting hurt and abused in the process.

So I sent her a check yesterday just because she gave birth to me, and out of respect for her giving me life, but I can't make myself lie and send gushy cards or notes in with it. I'm sure I will never hear from her again because I am no longer doing the contact (it was always me doing the work) and so be it.

I just get a deep pain in my heart and a huge dread everytime Mother's Day comes up because of the mother I was unfortunate to be born to and what that day should feel like, but never does. As terrible as that sounds and as callous as it probably comes across, it's the truth and I can't pretend that everything is okay and that my mother cares about me, because I have accepted that she is incapable of it.

I will try to focus on my family that day, but I know it will be a downer on that day because I want the loving daughter/mother relationship, but had to accept it last year that it would never be.

There is zero chance of me ever having that and I have accepted it. As I mentioned earlier, I finally realized that it was only me wanting the relationship and doing the work, and had to accept that I was working on it for nothing. It only caused me more pain and everytime she saw how much I longed for her love and attention, it gave her narcissistic personality a boost and caused her to abuse me more.

I may be a daughter, but I'm also a grown woman now and I don't have to accept that behavior from anyone, including my mother. I never got the emotional support that other daughter's got from their mothers, so I always felt unsettled and unsure of everything that I did. It made me never feel confident and I always felt like I never could do anything that was good enough to please her.

There were times I quit trying because I knew my best was never good enough and never would be. I think that's part of the reason I gave up on my appearance and turned to food for comfort since I never got any comfort from her as my mother.

My daughter will have that support, and the family abuse/neglect will stop with this generation to the best of my ability. I hope my daughter never dreads Mother's Day like I do.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 5/6/2011 7:54AM

    Thanks for the comments everyone. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, just trying to deal with the terrible guilt of that day, which is why I always dread that day.

It's the same thing with her birthday. I just send her a check and leave it at that because I can't pretend that she is the mother that you see described on Mother's Day or birthday cards.

Father's Day doesn't bother me as much because although he's to blame for a lot of the abuse (he neglected and allowed her to do it), he does show some concern and care by calling me.

It's just the one day of the year I wish I didn't have to face because it reminds me of what I don't have and it also makes me feel guilty that I can't pretend and send her those sentimental cards that everyone does.

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JLITT62 5/6/2011 5:13AM

    Think about what a great job YOU'RE doing as a mother. Find your happiness in that - cause when you think about the example you had, you're doing an awesome job.

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PICTURELADY3 5/5/2011 10:27PM

    So Sorry you were brought up in that kind of life. It's painful when you don't feel loved by your Mom. I can relate. Good for you for stopping the abuse. You were and are loveable no matter what you weighted. So focus on that great family of yours and release the past.

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MAGDALINI1 5/5/2011 1:45PM

    mothers day can still be fun
don't think of your mom
but you as a mom! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KISSFAN1 5/5/2011 10:08AM

    The hard part for me is letting go of the guilt, when in reality it is her guilt that I have taken on. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but she should feel guilty for the way she has treated me my entire life, but instead I have felt guilty for it. I took the lack of love she had for me as a fault of my own, although intellectually I know it's not my fault.

I hate people challenging you to add your mother's picture to your Facebook page to honor your mother. My mother is on FB and there is no way I can lie and put her face on my page as a loving tribute. I wish I could so much!

I will try my best to hide the sad feelings I have on that day from my children, but it's hard because society makes you feel like you have to honor your mother.

I feel guilty for not feeling the way other people do, but I also don't have the mother that others have so I shouldn't feel that way.

Comment edited on: 5/5/2011 10:13:00 AM

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ANAIS57 5/5/2011 9:47AM

    i agree with luvs....your kids pick up on that energy you carry about your birth mother... i hope you will be able to let even that go. mother's day is all about who you are as a mother now...rejoice in that with your kids. you are the best mom!

is there a family friend or aunt or someone who has been like a mother to you? celebrate her.

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LUVS2WIN67 5/5/2011 9:39AM

    It is so hard when we are at odds with our parents. I can very much relate to this as I was raised in an extremely abusive household. It was all my Dad, but my mother stood by and did nothing. Years of therapy helped me to move on, although there are still some lingering side stuff (but that's another post). So I am the same, I find it hard to give sentimental cards (you know, thanks for always being there Mom) And mostly I just feel like I have to because she gave birth to me.
I suggest you just focus on your family. Let this be a day to celebrate how wonderful your kids think you are. I believe we do truly deserve that. It's hard to let go and move on, but if we don't, we could be passing the negativity on to our kids!

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Mother/Daughter Tea Party & Roof Repair

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Our insurance adjuster came by late yesterday afternoon and stayed until after 8:00 p.m. looking at the hail damage we had to our property. I have a feeling it's going to be a long wait to get our roof replaced, but I'm glad that we at least got the go-ahead finally, at least that level.

My husband is taking today off from work so that he and my son can do some "manly" things since my daughter and I have a mother/daughter tea party to go to later today. We're dressing up (thank goodness I have at least one skirt that I bought a few weeks ago to wear since all my other clothes are too large) . I'm going to make Cinnabon cupcakes to take with us, but have no desire to eat any of them or the other goodies I'm sure will be there for the tea party.

We're almost done with quite a bit of our school curriculum and I'll have to order our testing soon (required by North Carolina law). We generally don't take the whole summer off like the public school system does, but we do take a few weeks off to give us all (especially me, LOL) a break.

My son has a learning disability which involves memory, so I feel like we can never take off for a long period of time because I'm afraid that any progress he has made will be lost.

We had a very heavy rain/thunderstorm last night with loud thunder and a lot of lightning. I'm not sure why we are getting so many crazy weather storms this year, but it's starting to get old, LOL.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 5/4/2011 8:09AM

    LOL, luckily I'm not a huge sugar fan, at least not for Cinnabon cupcakes. Now if there is hummus and chips there I'll be in big trouble!!! emoticon

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  Well, there's always tea at a tea party...

You are pretty strong making Cinnabon cupcakes. They're like crack to me.

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Roof Inspection Today & Think I'm Done With Super Doubles This Week

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Well today is the day our insurance adjuster is supposed to come by and look for around 4-5 hours at our property due to the baseball-sized hail storm we had last month.

Of course it is supposed to rain today so I'm not sure if it will be cancelled or not, but we'll wait and see. I'm just hoping we can get the ball rolling soon on getting our roof replaced so I don't have to deal with anxiety every time I hear the weather man talk about rain.

I doubt I go to the last day of super double coupons at Harris Teeter today because although I still have great coupons to use, my freezer is about to explode because it is full of great buys I bought all this week. It's not worth the gas money to drive there if I'm not using my great coupons so it's probably best for yesterday being my last day.

I've been thrilled with all the great buys I got this go around because the great deals were different from the last super doubles except for the free milk (which I needed since we were running out again). I didn't need more cheese because I stocked up big time last super doubles and luckily there was no temptation in that department, LOL.

I'm really hoping once we get our roof replaced (knock on wood), that we get our awful carpeting redone. It's so old and matted and even when we steam clean it, you really can't see any difference due to it being cheap (previous owners were the ones who picked it out and they bought the cheapest of everything).

It just makes the house look "cheap", not that we have a luxurious home by no means, but I know it would look so much nicer without the horrible looking carpet. The carpet has never been replaced and with it being cheap and put in my previous owners, you can imagine what it looks like. We've lived here approximately 14 years so you can get an idea of the condition.


Scored on Pants & Grocery Shopping Yesterday!

Monday, May 02, 2011

I finally dragged myself to the mall yesterday although I really didn't feel like it and I'm so glad that I did because I found myself some jewelry and some capri pants (finally).

My body shape is definitely pear-shaped because my bottom half is several sizes larger than my top half. I have wide hips so those hips prevent me from getting into the smaller sizes that most people my weight/height would, but I'm pretty happy at the size I am. My waist is much smaller than my hips so I'm always complaining about finding pants of any type fitting me correctly.

I found some capri pants that fit lower on the waist so that there isn't that irritating gap that I deal with so often. The gap is usually so big that even a belt doesn't help, but I found some Lee capris that seem to finally fit the bill.

I had a 15% discount coupon (and the things I bought were on sale on top of that)and a lady who was shopping in JC Penney handed me a $10 off $10 coupon because she didn't have time to shop, which was awesome! I had a coupon similar to that the other day ($10 off $25) but had no idea about that particular coupon because it has been years since I shopped at JC Penney. I don't even remember the last time I went there (other than recently).

I signed up to get their coupons so I will know about those deals in the future. Now I really have a lot more incentive to keep the weight off because I'm finally getting some cute clothes that I love wearing!

I stopped by Harris Teeter on the way home since I had some new coupons to use due to new ones in the Sunday paper and I did awesome! They have electronic coupons that you can add to your Harris Teeter card and they automatically come off if you purchase the item/items before they expire. They happened to correspond with the coupons that came out Sunday so I got some items free or close to free that are normally very expensive.

I have more coupons (electronic and regular) to use today as well and I'm actually looking forward to it as I know I can find some more awesome deals. Today and tomorrow are the last days of super doubles at Harris Teeter and since I can only use 20 coupons a day (that are doubled) I need to make sure that I go both days to take advantage of the sale.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 5/3/2011 9:01AM

    It sure is, LOL.

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MOM2ACAT 5/2/2011 4:40PM

    Way to go on the shopping!

It's a great feeling too, to find a perfect fitting pair of pants.

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Shopping Lessons

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Today I'm really exhausted (time of the month, sorry for TMI) and I'm going to try to attempt to look at clothes again although it's the last thing I feel like doing. I'm not going to spend all day looking, but since I have new coupons out today to use at Harris Teeter's Super Doubles event, I might as well try looking a little bit since I'll be out shopping anyway.

I haven't had time yet, due to being so busy, to clean out my coupon box since today is the first day of May and all my April coupons have expired. It's one of my least favorite things to do, but a necessity.

My sweet husband made my morning though because he told me that he enjoyed seeing me in the different outfits that I tried on at the mall because I looked so hot in them, LOL. I sure didn't feel hot, I felt bloated and crampy, but it was nice to hear anyway, ROFL.

I'm showing my daughter the ropes of learning to be patient about shopping for items you want. She has been dying for some necklaces and we found two of them at JC Penney's, one was 70% off and the other was 80% off the original price. She couldn't get over how much they were originally and I think it has been a good lesson to her why mom is always looking for sales and why I look at thrift stores/yard sales (well not that much this year) all the time.

She spent her money that her grandmother gave her for her birthday on them and I think she's really happy with her purchases. I'm very happy with mine as well so we're two happy chicks, LOL.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 5/4/2011 10:21AM

    Compliments from the hubby like that are always a good thing, LOL. emoticon

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SUSANMOMOF6 5/3/2011 10:05PM

    Clothes shopping is still a love-hate prospect. I'm starting to get into sizes I haven't for a long time but I am still a lot bigger in body than I am in mind! emoticon Work in progress, right!

My husband made my day last week when he said, "You're getting sexier everyday. babe!" Life is good!


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KISSFAN1 5/2/2011 6:54AM

    It can be so frustrating shopping for clothes no matter what your size it seems, at least for me.

I think my daughter is really picking up on the savings thing, but my son, not so much, LOL.

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MAGDALINI1 5/2/2011 4:13AM

    when shopping for clothes these days i go nuts and crancky
they don't seem to fit right
and i think of 2009 when clothes were good on me
ohhhhhhh i forgot i was 42 kilos then
now i'm not emoticon

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LUVS2WIN67 5/1/2011 9:51AM

    Sometimes clothes shopping is so frustrating! It can either make you feel really good about what you've done or feel like you are necer going to get where you wanna go. But in the end, we know if we keep pushing forward we will get where we need to be.
I am (self-dubbed) 'Queen of the Sale'. I don't usually pay full price for anything. I have passed that down to all my kids. When they shop (especially my daughter) if she likes more then 1 or 2 items in a store she will ask them if there is an upcoming sale on some of the items (people who work on commision would rather you come back and buy 4 items then to walk away permenantly). They usually let her know.
It's great to teach our kids how to save.

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