Friday, May 06, 2011
Right now I'm really fighting emotional eating. I don't think that I'm really hungry because I have been perfectly fine with the amount of calories I've been eating for quite a while.
I'm a recovered emotional eater so when stressful times like the approaching Mother's Day comes up, I find myself wanting to throw all caution to the wind and just indulge in mindless eating of huge amounts of hummus and tortilla chips (my favorite snack before I joined Spark).
I am stubborn enough (one positive thing about being stubborn, LOL) that I don't because I know I will be more miserable with myself afterwards, but it is still an instinct that I fight. I've won the battle so far, but it's a battle right now.
I'm sure after Mother's Day passes and a few days have gone by, I will be okay. That is, unless my father calls and guilts me about me not calling my mother, LOL. I have enough guilt as it is even though I know realistically I shouldn't feel that guilt, but how do you get rid of it? How do you not feel guilt when it was something that you felt as a child and blamed yourself for your mother's cruelty towards you and her lack of concern?
Guilt for things that I had absolutely nothing to do with were put on me by her and it continued to follow me as an adult. I got blamed for things and made guilty for something that my sister did or someone else did, but somehow it was always put on me. It always felt familiar to feel guilty for everything that went on around me, because my mother blamed me for anything/everything. I just accepted it and took it on. If my mother had something happen to her it was my fault regardless of the situation. Now I have to fight that guilt because it is there. I feel guilty if someone has a bad day although I had nothing to do with their day. Not a healthy way to feel, but it was the way I was brought up and the environment I was in.
I think I just need to stay busy and do something on Mother's Day so I'm not at home dreading the guilt phone call from my father although I'm sure I will get it eventually days later.
I plan to go shopping this weekend once again and hope that I have some success in finding some cute clothes to replenish my slowly dwindling wardrobe. When I got to my goal weight I thought it was the perfect time to buy new clothes and celebrate, but I think I should have waited because now I have clothes that are too big for me. They aren't drowning on me, but they aren't flattering anymore because they are sort of baggy and that never looks attractive on me.
I went to the JC Penney site and saw that they had some coupons available that I plan to take with me since there was a cute skirt there that my husband loved on me, but it was full price and I just don't do full price, LOL. I may buy it this weekend so I at least have 2 skirts to choose from in the future.
The small amount of cute clothes I have now keep me from the emotional eating because I simply don't have the desire to gain weight and start this battle all over again. Every time I clean out my closet of too large items I am thrilled that I can buy some cute things that flatter me and are "modern" looking, but I feel guilty too because some of my new jeans have barely been worn before they were too baggy.
I really didn't expect that as I figured once I got to my goal weight and started eating more that I would be in that size for the long haul. I guess guilt is my middle name, LOL. I need to get past some of the guilt I feel that I shouldn't.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
My daughter had a blast at our home school tea party yesterday. It's always so nice to see her in her element, that is happily giggling with other girls and enjoying "girly" stuff. My daughter told me that I was the best dressed mom there at the tea party (she's so sweet) and considering I only had one skirt to choose from, that was nice to hear. My son had fun with my husband so it was a good day for both of them.
I'm getting so excited about finding cute clothes and jewelry now and it's fun because I think deep down I really loved those things, but I never cared about them when I was overweight because I figured, why bother?
I really have no dressy clothes to wear other than the one skirt I purchased and wore yesterday and a jacket-like shirt that I bought at TJ Maxx but haven't worn yet because I have no dress pants or right style of skirt to wear with it.
My daughter and I are really liking jewelry shopping now so I'm hoping to find some cute jewelry for both of us. I'm not looking for jewelry with gems (diamonds, ruby, etc.) and instead am looking for costume jewelry that's really cute and modern and up-to-date.
I don't want to look my age and don't want to look frumpy anymore, which is what I did so many years ago. I see pictures of me and wonder what in the world I was thinking and why I didn't care. I really did care, but I think I was so depressed from all the emotional issues in my family (mother/sister) that caring about my appearance was the last thing on my mind.
Which brings me to the worst day of the year for me, Mother's Day. No, it's not because of me being a mother, it's because I don't feel very warm and fuzzy towards my mother.
She has not called me or communicated with me in almost a year. I've done nothing to her for her to ignore me, but got tired of being the only one in the relationship doing anything to make it work and finally quit hitting my head against the wall and wasting so much energy and emotion on something that never accomplished anything. We've not had any yelling or screaming episodes (I'm so not into drama like she is) and just figured it was better for me to concentrate on my family and put my energy into them and not a person who gave birth to me but doesn't care about me.
It's a hard day for me because I feel obligated to send her something, but I can't be "fake" and send her a sentimental card or note because then I would be lying. She has never been the "motherly" type and once I finally accepted that she has a lot of narcissistic qualities, I was finally released from trying to make our relationship work because I realized she never tried or wanted it to work and I was just pushing myself on her and getting hurt and abused in the process.
So I sent her a check yesterday just because she gave birth to me, and out of respect for her giving me life, but I can't make myself lie and send gushy cards or notes in with it. I'm sure I will never hear from her again because I am no longer doing the contact (it was always me doing the work) and so be it.
I just get a deep pain in my heart and a huge dread everytime Mother's Day comes up because of the mother I was unfortunate to be born to and what that day should feel like, but never does. As terrible as that sounds and as callous as it probably comes across, it's the truth and I can't pretend that everything is okay and that my mother cares about me, because I have accepted that she is incapable of it.
I will try to focus on my family that day, but I know it will be a downer on that day because I want the loving daughter/mother relationship, but had to accept it last year that it would never be.
There is zero chance of me ever having that and I have accepted it. As I mentioned earlier, I finally realized that it was only me wanting the relationship and doing the work, and had to accept that I was working on it for nothing. It only caused me more pain and everytime she saw how much I longed for her love and attention, it gave her narcissistic personality a boost and caused her to abuse me more.
I may be a daughter, but I'm also a grown woman now and I don't have to accept that behavior from anyone, including my mother. I never got the emotional support that other daughter's got from their mothers, so I always felt unsettled and unsure of everything that I did. It made me never feel confident and I always felt like I never could do anything that was good enough to please her.
There were times I quit trying because I knew my best was never good enough and never would be. I think that's part of the reason I gave up on my appearance and turned to food for comfort since I never got any comfort from her as my mother.
My daughter will have that support, and the family abuse/neglect will stop with this generation to the best of my ability. I hope my daughter never dreads Mother's Day like I do.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Our insurance adjuster came by late yesterday afternoon and stayed until after 8:00 p.m. looking at the hail damage we had to our property. I have a feeling it's going to be a long wait to get our roof replaced, but I'm glad that we at least got the go-ahead finally, at least that level.
My husband is taking today off from work so that he and my son can do some "manly" things since my daughter and I have a mother/daughter tea party to go to later today. We're dressing up (thank goodness I have at least one skirt that I bought a few weeks ago to wear since all my other clothes are too large) . I'm going to make Cinnabon cupcakes to take with us, but have no desire to eat any of them or the other goodies I'm sure will be there for the tea party.
We're almost done with quite a bit of our school curriculum and I'll have to order our testing soon (required by North Carolina law). We generally don't take the whole summer off like the public school system does, but we do take a few weeks off to give us all (especially me, LOL) a break.
My son has a learning disability which involves memory, so I feel like we can never take off for a long period of time because I'm afraid that any progress he has made will be lost.
We had a very heavy rain/thunderstorm last night with loud thunder and a lot of lightning. I'm not sure why we are getting so many crazy weather storms this year, but it's starting to get old, LOL.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
Well today is the day our insurance adjuster is supposed to come by and look for around 4-5 hours at our property due to the baseball-sized hail storm we had last month.
Of course it is supposed to rain today so I'm not sure if it will be cancelled or not, but we'll wait and see. I'm just hoping we can get the ball rolling soon on getting our roof replaced so I don't have to deal with anxiety every time I hear the weather man talk about rain.
I doubt I go to the last day of super double coupons at Harris Teeter today because although I still have great coupons to use, my freezer is about to explode because it is full of great buys I bought all this week. It's not worth the gas money to drive there if I'm not using my great coupons so it's probably best for yesterday being my last day.
I've been thrilled with all the great buys I got this go around because the great deals were different from the last super doubles except for the free milk (which I needed since we were running out again). I didn't need more cheese because I stocked up big time last super doubles and luckily there was no temptation in that department, LOL.
I'm really hoping once we get our roof replaced (knock on wood), that we get our awful carpeting redone. It's so old and matted and even when we steam clean it, you really can't see any difference due to it being cheap (previous owners were the ones who picked it out and they bought the cheapest of everything).
It just makes the house look "cheap", not that we have a luxurious home by no means, but I know it would look so much nicer without the horrible looking carpet. The carpet has never been replaced and with it being cheap and put in my previous owners, you can imagine what it looks like. We've lived here approximately 14 years so you can get an idea of the condition.
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