KISSFAN1   132,335
100,000-149,999 SparkPoints
KISSFAN1's Recent Blog Entries

Avoiding Emotional Eating, But It's a Challenge

Friday, May 06, 2011

Right now I'm really fighting emotional eating. I don't think that I'm really hungry because I have been perfectly fine with the amount of calories I've been eating for quite a while.

I'm a recovered emotional eater so when stressful times like the approaching Mother's Day comes up, I find myself wanting to throw all caution to the wind and just indulge in mindless eating of huge amounts of hummus and tortilla chips (my favorite snack before I joined Spark).

I am stubborn enough (one positive thing about being stubborn, LOL) that I don't because I know I will be more miserable with myself afterwards, but it is still an instinct that I fight. I've won the battle so far, but it's a battle right now.

I'm sure after Mother's Day passes and a few days have gone by, I will be okay. That is, unless my father calls and guilts me about me not calling my mother, LOL. I have enough guilt as it is even though I know realistically I shouldn't feel that guilt, but how do you get rid of it? How do you not feel guilt when it was something that you felt as a child and blamed yourself for your mother's cruelty towards you and her lack of concern?

Guilt for things that I had absolutely nothing to do with were put on me by her and it continued to follow me as an adult. I got blamed for things and made guilty for something that my sister did or someone else did, but somehow it was always put on me. It always felt familiar to feel guilty for everything that went on around me, because my mother blamed me for anything/everything. I just accepted it and took it on. If my mother had something happen to her it was my fault regardless of the situation. Now I have to fight that guilt because it is there. I feel guilty if someone has a bad day although I had nothing to do with their day. Not a healthy way to feel, but it was the way I was brought up and the environment I was in.

I think I just need to stay busy and do something on Mother's Day so I'm not at home dreading the guilt phone call from my father although I'm sure I will get it eventually days later.

I plan to go shopping this weekend once again and hope that I have some success in finding some cute clothes to replenish my slowly dwindling wardrobe. When I got to my goal weight I thought it was the perfect time to buy new clothes and celebrate, but I think I should have waited because now I have clothes that are too big for me. They aren't drowning on me, but they aren't flattering anymore because they are sort of baggy and that never looks attractive on me.

I went to the JC Penney site and saw that they had some coupons available that I plan to take with me since there was a cute skirt there that my husband loved on me, but it was full price and I just don't do full price, LOL. I may buy it this weekend so I at least have 2 skirts to choose from in the future.

The small amount of cute clothes I have now keep me from the emotional eating because I simply don't have the desire to gain weight and start this battle all over again. Every time I clean out my closet of too large items I am thrilled that I can buy some cute things that flatter me and are "modern" looking, but I feel guilty too because some of my new jeans have barely been worn before they were too baggy.

I really didn't expect that as I figured once I got to my goal weight and started eating more that I would be in that size for the long haul. I guess guilt is my middle name, LOL. I need to get past some of the guilt I feel that I shouldn't.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 5/6/2011 4:20PM

    Jlitt - LOL, retail therapy is definitely on my top list of what to do to keep busy this weekend. emoticon

Beth - You always say the nicest things to make me feel better, thank you so much! You're so sweet, I might be at my goal but I still have my body struggles when looking for clothes. You will get there for sure (goal weight) even though it may be slow right now. My weight loss felt like it took forever and really took me a year to lose just 40 pounds.

Report Inappropriate Comment
JLITT62 5/6/2011 2:02PM

    I think retail therapy is an excellent way to stay away from food, but then you knew that already! You're so frugal, I think you can definitely afford to indulge - AND you do feel better when you look better.

Report Inappropriate Comment
PETUNIABETH 5/6/2011 11:41AM

    I am so sorry to hear you are feeling vulnerable right now..I know it must be hard to fight off the urge to emo-indulge..but you can do it. And if you don't, don't kill yourself sweating over it..just have what you want n get past it. I hate that things aren't rainbows and butterflies between you and your mom..I know it must be very hard to live with a situation like that, as the mother-daughter relationship is generally every other woman's run-to..I know I need my mom. Yes I thought she was wrong the entire time I was growin up but now we are close friends, and I couldn't live without her. It breaks my heart to hear what you're going through, and I just want you to know it's not your fault..some people are just not meant to be mothers, and are generally incapable of unconditional love. For some reason you are just the unlucky one into which she funneled all her resentment and blame into for all the things she has done wrong with her life, maybe she didn't live up to who she wanted to be, maybe she realizes you are a better mother than she will ever be...most likely. Things like that are too deep and complicated to resolve with her, because even if you tried to make it better, she wouldn't hear anything you had to say without alll the excuses and nagging in reply..She WANTS to be old and unhappy and have someone to hurt. It probably makes her feel better about herself..twisted but probably true. You are right to just not even think about it on mother's day..celebrate yourself with your family, because you're a great mom and thats how its supposed to be. You have poured yourself into trying to make a relationship with her too long, when it is a dead end, one-way street. The stress it puts on you is not worth the effort. But I hope that in some way she apologizes for her awful behavior, just so that you have closure. I hope things get much better for you.

You are looking gorgeous. I am jealous that you've passed your goal and need new clothes again.. my loss seems to be going super slow right now..grrr. But I know I'll get there eventually. Go buy yourself some cute clothes..more than just a skirt. You deserve it for all of your hard work...and you can't show off your fab figure in baggy clothes!! Hope you have a great weekend. Celebrate with your family and have fun shopping!

Report Inappropriate Comment
KISSFAN1 5/6/2011 10:14AM

    Well for me anyway, LOL. Like I said, my middle name seems to be guilt! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BEVLEGILL 5/6/2011 8:13AM

    There are scads of emotional issues that come with weight loss, huh? Or maybe that just come with life -- especially for women. Hope you can start letting go of the guilt. And congrats on your weight loss.

Report Inappropriate Comment

Dreading Mother's Day & Focusing on Me & My Family For a Change

Thursday, May 05, 2011

My daughter had a blast at our home school tea party yesterday. It's always so nice to see her in her element, that is happily giggling with other girls and enjoying "girly" stuff. My daughter told me that I was the best dressed mom there at the tea party (she's so sweet) and considering I only had one skirt to choose from, that was nice to hear. My son had fun with my husband so it was a good day for both of them.

I'm getting so excited about finding cute clothes and jewelry now and it's fun because I think deep down I really loved those things, but I never cared about them when I was overweight because I figured, why bother?

I really have no dressy clothes to wear other than the one skirt I purchased and wore yesterday and a jacket-like shirt that I bought at TJ Maxx but haven't worn yet because I have no dress pants or right style of skirt to wear with it.

My daughter and I are really liking jewelry shopping now so I'm hoping to find some cute jewelry for both of us. I'm not looking for jewelry with gems (diamonds, ruby, etc.) and instead am looking for costume jewelry that's really cute and modern and up-to-date.

I don't want to look my age and don't want to look frumpy anymore, which is what I did so many years ago. I see pictures of me and wonder what in the world I was thinking and why I didn't care. I really did care, but I think I was so depressed from all the emotional issues in my family (mother/sister) that caring about my appearance was the last thing on my mind.

Which brings me to the worst day of the year for me, Mother's Day. No, it's not because of me being a mother, it's because I don't feel very warm and fuzzy towards my mother.

She has not called me or communicated with me in almost a year. I've done nothing to her for her to ignore me, but got tired of being the only one in the relationship doing anything to make it work and finally quit hitting my head against the wall and wasting so much energy and emotion on something that never accomplished anything. We've not had any yelling or screaming episodes (I'm so not into drama like she is) and just figured it was better for me to concentrate on my family and put my energy into them and not a person who gave birth to me but doesn't care about me.

It's a hard day for me because I feel obligated to send her something, but I can't be "fake" and send her a sentimental card or note because then I would be lying. She has never been the "motherly" type and once I finally accepted that she has a lot of narcissistic qualities, I was finally released from trying to make our relationship work because I realized she never tried or wanted it to work and I was just pushing myself on her and getting hurt and abused in the process.

So I sent her a check yesterday just because she gave birth to me, and out of respect for her giving me life, but I can't make myself lie and send gushy cards or notes in with it. I'm sure I will never hear from her again because I am no longer doing the contact (it was always me doing the work) and so be it.

I just get a deep pain in my heart and a huge dread everytime Mother's Day comes up because of the mother I was unfortunate to be born to and what that day should feel like, but never does. As terrible as that sounds and as callous as it probably comes across, it's the truth and I can't pretend that everything is okay and that my mother cares about me, because I have accepted that she is incapable of it.

I will try to focus on my family that day, but I know it will be a downer on that day because I want the loving daughter/mother relationship, but had to accept it last year that it would never be.

There is zero chance of me ever having that and I have accepted it. As I mentioned earlier, I finally realized that it was only me wanting the relationship and doing the work, and had to accept that I was working on it for nothing. It only caused me more pain and everytime she saw how much I longed for her love and attention, it gave her narcissistic personality a boost and caused her to abuse me more.

I may be a daughter, but I'm also a grown woman now and I don't have to accept that behavior from anyone, including my mother. I never got the emotional support that other daughter's got from their mothers, so I always felt unsettled and unsure of everything that I did. It made me never feel confident and I always felt like I never could do anything that was good enough to please her.

There were times I quit trying because I knew my best was never good enough and never would be. I think that's part of the reason I gave up on my appearance and turned to food for comfort since I never got any comfort from her as my mother.

My daughter will have that support, and the family abuse/neglect will stop with this generation to the best of my ability. I hope my daughter never dreads Mother's Day like I do.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 5/6/2011 7:54AM

    Thanks for the comments everyone. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, just trying to deal with the terrible guilt of that day, which is why I always dread that day.

It's the same thing with her birthday. I just send her a check and leave it at that because I can't pretend that she is the mother that you see described on Mother's Day or birthday cards.

Father's Day doesn't bother me as much because although he's to blame for a lot of the abuse (he neglected and allowed her to do it), he does show some concern and care by calling me.

It's just the one day of the year I wish I didn't have to face because it reminds me of what I don't have and it also makes me feel guilty that I can't pretend and send her those sentimental cards that everyone does.

Report Inappropriate Comment
JLITT62 5/6/2011 5:13AM

    Think about what a great job YOU'RE doing as a mother. Find your happiness in that - cause when you think about the example you had, you're doing an awesome job.

Report Inappropriate Comment
PICTURELADY3 5/5/2011 10:27PM

    So Sorry you were brought up in that kind of life. It's painful when you don't feel loved by your Mom. I can relate. Good for you for stopping the abuse. You were and are loveable no matter what you weighted. So focus on that great family of yours and release the past.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MAGDALINI1 5/5/2011 1:45PM

    mothers day can still be fun
don't think of your mom
but you as a mom! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
KISSFAN1 5/5/2011 10:08AM

    The hard part for me is letting go of the guilt, when in reality it is her guilt that I have taken on. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but she should feel guilty for the way she has treated me my entire life, but instead I have felt guilty for it. I took the lack of love she had for me as a fault of my own, although intellectually I know it's not my fault.

I hate people challenging you to add your mother's picture to your Facebook page to honor your mother. My mother is on FB and there is no way I can lie and put her face on my page as a loving tribute. I wish I could so much!

I will try my best to hide the sad feelings I have on that day from my children, but it's hard because society makes you feel like you have to honor your mother.

I feel guilty for not feeling the way other people do, but I also don't have the mother that others have so I shouldn't feel that way.

Comment edited on: 5/5/2011 10:13:00 AM

Report Inappropriate Comment
ANAIS57 5/5/2011 9:47AM

    i agree with luvs....your kids pick up on that energy you carry about your birth mother... i hope you will be able to let even that go. mother's day is all about who you are as a mother now...rejoice in that with your kids. you are the best mom!

is there a family friend or aunt or someone who has been like a mother to you? celebrate her.

Report Inappropriate Comment
LUVS2WIN67 5/5/2011 9:39AM

    It is so hard when we are at odds with our parents. I can very much relate to this as I was raised in an extremely abusive household. It was all my Dad, but my mother stood by and did nothing. Years of therapy helped me to move on, although there are still some lingering side stuff (but that's another post). So I am the same, I find it hard to give sentimental cards (you know, thanks for always being there Mom) And mostly I just feel like I have to because she gave birth to me.
I suggest you just focus on your family. Let this be a day to celebrate how wonderful your kids think you are. I believe we do truly deserve that. It's hard to let go and move on, but if we don't, we could be passing the negativity on to our kids!

Report Inappropriate Comment

Mother/Daughter Tea Party & Roof Repair

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Our insurance adjuster came by late yesterday afternoon and stayed until after 8:00 p.m. looking at the hail damage we had to our property. I have a feeling it's going to be a long wait to get our roof replaced, but I'm glad that we at least got the go-ahead finally, at least that level.

My husband is taking today off from work so that he and my son can do some "manly" things since my daughter and I have a mother/daughter tea party to go to later today. We're dressing up (thank goodness I have at least one skirt that I bought a few weeks ago to wear since all my other clothes are too large) . I'm going to make Cinnabon cupcakes to take with us, but have no desire to eat any of them or the other goodies I'm sure will be there for the tea party.

We're almost done with quite a bit of our school curriculum and I'll have to order our testing soon (required by North Carolina law). We generally don't take the whole summer off like the public school system does, but we do take a few weeks off to give us all (especially me, LOL) a break.

My son has a learning disability which involves memory, so I feel like we can never take off for a long period of time because I'm afraid that any progress he has made will be lost.

We had a very heavy rain/thunderstorm last night with loud thunder and a lot of lightning. I'm not sure why we are getting so many crazy weather storms this year, but it's starting to get old, LOL.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 5/4/2011 8:09AM

    LOL, luckily I'm not a huge sugar fan, at least not for Cinnabon cupcakes. Now if there is hummus and chips there I'll be in big trouble!!! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

  Well, there's always tea at a tea party...

You are pretty strong making Cinnabon cupcakes. They're like crack to me.

Report Inappropriate Comment

Roof Inspection Today & Think I'm Done With Super Doubles This Week

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Well today is the day our insurance adjuster is supposed to come by and look for around 4-5 hours at our property due to the baseball-sized hail storm we had last month.

Of course it is supposed to rain today so I'm not sure if it will be cancelled or not, but we'll wait and see. I'm just hoping we can get the ball rolling soon on getting our roof replaced so I don't have to deal with anxiety every time I hear the weather man talk about rain.

I doubt I go to the last day of super double coupons at Harris Teeter today because although I still have great coupons to use, my freezer is about to explode because it is full of great buys I bought all this week. It's not worth the gas money to drive there if I'm not using my great coupons so it's probably best for yesterday being my last day.

I've been thrilled with all the great buys I got this go around because the great deals were different from the last super doubles except for the free milk (which I needed since we were running out again). I didn't need more cheese because I stocked up big time last super doubles and luckily there was no temptation in that department, LOL.

I'm really hoping once we get our roof replaced (knock on wood), that we get our awful carpeting redone. It's so old and matted and even when we steam clean it, you really can't see any difference due to it being cheap (previous owners were the ones who picked it out and they bought the cheapest of everything).

It just makes the house look "cheap", not that we have a luxurious home by no means, but I know it would look so much nicer without the horrible looking carpet. The carpet has never been replaced and with it being cheap and put in my previous owners, you can imagine what it looks like. We've lived here approximately 14 years so you can get an idea of the condition.


Scored on Pants & Grocery Shopping Yesterday!

Monday, May 02, 2011

I finally dragged myself to the mall yesterday although I really didn't feel like it and I'm so glad that I did because I found myself some jewelry and some capri pants (finally).

My body shape is definitely pear-shaped because my bottom half is several sizes larger than my top half. I have wide hips so those hips prevent me from getting into the smaller sizes that most people my weight/height would, but I'm pretty happy at the size I am. My waist is much smaller than my hips so I'm always complaining about finding pants of any type fitting me correctly.

I found some capri pants that fit lower on the waist so that there isn't that irritating gap that I deal with so often. The gap is usually so big that even a belt doesn't help, but I found some Lee capris that seem to finally fit the bill.

I had a 15% discount coupon (and the things I bought were on sale on top of that)and a lady who was shopping in JC Penney handed me a $10 off $10 coupon because she didn't have time to shop, which was awesome! I had a coupon similar to that the other day ($10 off $25) but had no idea about that particular coupon because it has been years since I shopped at JC Penney. I don't even remember the last time I went there (other than recently).

I signed up to get their coupons so I will know about those deals in the future. Now I really have a lot more incentive to keep the weight off because I'm finally getting some cute clothes that I love wearing!

I stopped by Harris Teeter on the way home since I had some new coupons to use due to new ones in the Sunday paper and I did awesome! They have electronic coupons that you can add to your Harris Teeter card and they automatically come off if you purchase the item/items before they expire. They happened to correspond with the coupons that came out Sunday so I got some items free or close to free that are normally very expensive.

I have more coupons (electronic and regular) to use today as well and I'm actually looking forward to it as I know I can find some more awesome deals. Today and tomorrow are the last days of super doubles at Harris Teeter and since I can only use 20 coupons a day (that are doubled) I need to make sure that I go both days to take advantage of the sale.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 5/3/2011 9:01AM

    It sure is, LOL.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MOM2ACAT 5/2/2011 4:40PM

    Way to go on the shopping!

It's a great feeling too, to find a perfect fitting pair of pants.

Report Inappropriate Comment

First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 Last Page