Saturday, December 11, 2010
I finally got my Christmas tree put up this week, much to the happiness of my children. I put on new ornaments this year I think because it is representative of a new life and a new me. I was looking for some pictures of the kids as babies to put in the new picture ornaments I put on the tree and ran across some old pictures of me taken when I was in my early 20's and younger.
I had forgotten how thin I actually was (smaller than I currently am) and I'm guessing I was perhaps 115-120 pounds or so? It's funny how you forget things and when you're overweight for years you tend to forget that you were once not overweight.
I don't know if my body would allow me to be that small again mainly due to my age and of course my hips are larger now after having two children. I was so unhappy then because I was living at home with my parents after a painful divorce at a very young age from my now husband (we married twice, 11 years apart from each) and was living with a narcissistic mother, was in a cult with my family, and generally had zero self-esteem.
Fast forward to today, I have two healthy children, a husband who loves me, a home (albeit small and undersized, but it's ours) to live in and although I will never have a normal family (birth family) and will never feel peace and love with them, I am not alone in this world and have my children/husband who are with me.
I am thankful that despite the craziness of my life and the lack of love around me that I chose a man who wasn't like my mother. Some people in abusive situations tend to chose a partner just like their parent because they want a chance to gain love from that substitute person who reminds them of that parent so they can finally feel love from the parent, even if it isn't the actual parent.
At times, I take my family (children and husband) for granted and I shouldn't, knowing what I went through my entire life to get to the point I am now. I fear I will repeat my mother's parenting traits and it's yet another fear I live with. I know though that if I fear that, then it means that I will be aware of it and hopefully won't repeat what she has done to me.
*Edited and content removed by Kissfan.
Friday, December 10, 2010
I fell asleep last night watching the Barbara Walters special so missed most of that but it was nice to get some sleep although unfortunately I woke up at 4:00 am and have been up since. Getting older has proved that my sleeping schedule is crazy and while I used to be able to go to bed late and get up later, not so much now, LOL.
It's been an emotional few days and I'm exhausted from it all and as a result I'm looking forward to my husband being off for vacation and also the time we take off from schooling after Christmas. I think I need to regather myself up and relax emotionally and physically too.
It was absolutely freezing yesterday at horseback riding lessons that my daughter is taking so my son and I sat in the car (right beside the barn where my daughter had to ride instead of outside) doing his math homework and periodically turning the car on for some warm heat.
We have a Christmas party to attend Saturday (our first this season) that the kids are looking forward to although I'm panicking a little bit because I still have Christmas shopping to do and it's almost here and I sure could use Saturday for that. From what the sign-up list looked like for the party, I seriously will need to eat before we attend because it's going to be a lot of high-calorie, yummy looking food that I can't afford to participate in eating too much of.
My husband and I have bought a few things for both kids so I'm relaxing a little more now, but there are still just a thing or two I plan to purchase still, but I'm waiting for a good sale first before doing that. I'm really happy about what we are purchasing this year and feel like they are sensible choices and not a bunch of "fluff" and hopefully not something the kids will drop down after a few weeks and never use again.
My husband purchased my son a pair of sneakers he has been wanting forever but were just too expensive. I provided him (my husband) with a coupon from Kohl's that I receive and he got the shoes marked down, used the coupon and also got a $10 Kohl's Kash coupon to use the next time we go to Kohl's so I'm slowly getting him on the bargain bandwagon, LOL.
He's all for me using coupons and looking here and there and everywhere for bargains, but he doesn't have the patience that I do so it's a big thing for him to follow through with my suggestions of how to save money in the stores.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Thanks again to everyone who has posted supportive posts in reference to my ongoing relationship woes with my mother and sister. It is much appreciated and I thank you all again.
I'm trying my best to remain positive, especially with the holidays so close, but with a hormonal teenager (my son) and me dealing with family issues, well it's a bit strained around here, LOL.
There are constant battles with my son as he tries to walk that line between man and child, not to mention typical teenager attitude, so I feel a little overwhelmed at the moment. I'm the one who is here with the kids all day, schooling them as well as trying to teach them to be productive adults and there are days that I just want to stay under the covers and not get up at all, LOL.
I tend to be the "bad guy" in the parenting roles it seems because I'm the one who is here the majority of the time, so I feel like sometimes my husband is the "fun one" and I'm the "mean one" because I am the one who has to make most of the rules and enforce them.
I'm ready to get away again and get out of the hot seat of being labeled "mean mom". I'm fighting the comfort of food because I know that will only make things worse and then I'll gain weight and have these same issues regardless plus another one on top of it.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
The weather is so cold here (I know I sound like a broken record, LOL) and everytime I think about how cold it is, I'm thankful for the new heating system we had put in a few months ago.
I had to run out for groceries last night and really wasn't looking forward to it, but it was a necessity since we were getting low on a few things (hard to believe I know when I talk about using coupons and going to Harris Teeter every day for super doubles, LOL).
I got some Smart Choice (I think that's the name of it) milk for 78 cents each because I had $2 coupons and used a total of 17 coupons while at Wal-Mart. I got stopped by an employee while I was shopping who complimented my coupon box and asked me if it was worth doing all the work. Well of course, I saved a little over $10 just from using coupons in one store.
I've been doing some research for a while (off and on) trying to figure out my mother and what her issues are with me, and although I am not a psychologist and of course can't diagnose my mother as I am not qualified, the more books and information I read online, the more I can't help but think that my mother has some type of narcissist personality.
So many things that I read point to that because she was abused by her father growing up and she made my sister "the golden child" and me the "hated child" which as I have been reading is typical of this behavior. In a very strange way, it is easier for me to live with this fact than it is to think that somehow I must have done something as a child since birth to make her hate me.
Another thing that makes me think that she may have this behavior is because so many people rave about her because she fools them into thinking that she's this loving person, but if they were in my shoes and my father's shoes and were in the reality of her true personality, they would see she is NOT the person they have been fooled to believe she is. She's an excellent actress when I'm around other people and she pretends that she cares about me and my children, but once the people she's trying to impress are not there, it's a different story.
Even gentle criticism, such as me telling her that I wished she would spend a little bit more time with my children (said to her years ago) set her off into a scary, ugly scene which of course caused me to never bring that subject up since. It turned from me softly requesting that my children have access to her as a grandmother at least every 3-4 months into her saying that she would prefer having Jack Kevorkian (the doctor who was jailed for assisting people with horrible pain and incurable diseases with committing suicide) come and kill her and my father if the alternative was to be around me.
Seriously, a request for her to please spend some time with my children would provoke this response? Well that's my reality with my mother, you don't get a normal response, which you would think I would be used to since it has been that way since I can remember. I guess by moving away after I got married and having precious, beautiful children that I wrongly thought that our relationship would change and she would soften with age, but that has not been the case. I am where I am now and that is cutting myself off from her so she can't keep me in her "crazy" world of hatred and uncertainty.
Even my father will tell me that there is something wrong with my mother and that she has no compassion at all and needs help, but he's the weak one in the relationship (you think???!!!! LOL) and has never stood up to her that much. I've read also that the "hated child" usually never shows their emotions because they know if they do that the narcissistic parent will use that weakness to hurt them more, and BINGO, I totally relate to that!!!
I've had to hide my emotions ever since I started realizing that she used that against me and I'm still having to do it now. There is nothing she loves more than to say hateful things to me to hurt me, but I suppose I have learned to become a good actress and pretend that she has done nothing, which of course infuriates her because she is not happy unless she has control.
The point I suppose of explaining all this, is that it helps me to realize (already realized it intellectually, but emotionally accepting is a different story) that there is no chance of me ever having a normal, loving relationship with my mother and that in itself is freeing in a bizarre sort of way. It hurts and I will always long for what I wish could have been, but I need to move past this point and accept it once and for all so I'm not lured back into her temporary acceptance of me.
I can't keep being fooled (emotionally) into thinking that things have changed when she pretends that things are great between us, because I know that she will "out of the blue" and for no reason, then feel she has me emotionally and then she can do more damage when she sees that longing and need in me to have a mother who cares about me.
It's cruel to me emotionally and I'm too old to keep allowing her to do this. Even my husband has realized what she does and he sees the years of her patterns. I realized it as well intellectually, but kept going back everytime she would pretend she cared and wanted a relationship with me only to realize that she really wanted to control me and hurt me once she had an inkling that I was vunerable and dependent for her emotional love and acceptance.
It's hard and it's painful to accept this, but in some ways it is freeing to finally put the charade she plays to a rest once and for all. I won't be a willing participant in her cruel games. My family deserves a mother/wife that isn't emotionally falling apart because I can never get the love of my mother. I won't let her put me through these emotional roller coaster rides and cruel crushing of my emotional soul anymore. I guess that is what loving yourself is about, realizing you are worth not being abused, even by your mother whom you wish with every fiber of your being would love you. She can't and she won't and I have finally accepted it.
I realize this as well as being raised in a cult for most of my life (again, another crazy turmoil added to my life) are the main reasons why I have allowed myself over the years go gain weight. I am not the type to turn to drugs or alcohol, but food was my drug for trying to ease the pain in my life. I fight the temptation now, every single day because I am facing the pain instead of trying to eat it.
I'm hoping that working through this incredibly warped and "weird' upbringing I had will help me to not turn to food for comfort and that although I feel I was cheated of a childhood and cheated out of a loving mother, I am not to blame and I will not blame myself anymore for my mother's inability to love me and my children. I will not eat my pain anymore, I deserve to at least be physically healthy even if I have to struggle with being emotionally healthy.
I can't keep feeling envy that my sister gets all the "love" and positive reinforcement from my mother and wishing I had the same because it is not a real love she is receiving. It's a complete sham because my mother emotionally can't love anyone but herself. She is emotionally incapable of it but she's good at pretending.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
It is so cold here that I had to break out the electric blanket even though we have the heat set up pretty high. It is 16 degrees outside currently, brrrr!!!!
So I posted a Happy Birthday post on my mother's FaceBook page yesterday because we don't communicate (unless it is to do something to hurt me) and what do I see but a message that she posted for my sister (whom I have nothing to do with because she and my mother are a vindictive duo that look for ways to hurt me on a regular basis) that she and my father loved her and happy birthday ahead of time.
My sister's birthday is about 10 days after my mother's birthday. My birthday is in October, but did I get a "Happy Birthday" or "Your father and I love you" post? Nope, not a thing. My husband is so angry with them because he has seen over the years how they play games and try their best to attack me for no reason.
I am in another state and keep to myself and yet I have been accused of things that are impossible since I don't live down there, nor do I contact them or have anything to do with them. I am civil to my parents (a hard thing to do considering the "mental" games my mother plays constantly and even my father tells me that my mother has mental issues) and all the horrible things that she has done to me since childhood.
I think I am at this point, just plain numb towards her. I can't for the life of me understand why a parent would get satisfaction from hurting their own child on purpose and enjoy it. If I was a horrible person who did terrible things to people, I could understand them treating me this way, but I have nothing to do with them and never call anymore due to the way I have been treated over the years. My father calls me and I'm civil, but otherwise I have no contact with them unless it is a necessity, and then my contact is super brief but civil.
My mother has played games with my emotions my entire life. She will at times, act like she cares and is interested in me and my children and then out of the blue she attacks you (again for no reason) and keeps you guessing if you are in her favor temporarily or not. I can't deal with those games anymore so I chose to keep to myself and focus on my family here.
She has realized that although I don't go down to visit them anymore that I still try to keep in contact with other family members by Facebook and I don't think she likes it. She can't say to them that I have cut everyone off if I keep in contact with other family members as I'm sure she has tried to convince everyone of that since they all live in the same state and area together, while I live up here alone with my children and husband and no other family.
I guess the point of this blog is that I am completely numb because I realize my mother is completely unhinged and not normal. Her entire life with her sisters has been based on drama and hurting each other on purpose (which of course hurt me and my cousins in the process since we were affected by their sick behavior) and she has continued that with me although I don't play the game with her. That in a sense infuriates her because she gets feedback when her sisters attack her that they are hurt, but I just leave her alone and don't retaliate. I'm sure it confuses her, but I don't have the time or the energy for those ridiculous childish games.
The thing that infuriates her I believe is that I have removed myself from that drama and refuse to retaliate (which her sisters do to each other) and although she has ganged up with my sister and they feel they have won the battle, they get no satisfaction because I don't "beg" to be in their lives anymore. I am completely done with that nonsense and if never set eyes on my mother or sister again, then so be it.
I deserve happiness and peace and not this constant plotting of games to do their very best to hurt me for some insane reason. I realize my sister and mother both are very much alike and are weak by themselves, but gain strength when they "bully" a perceived enemy (me for some reason) but I won't allow them to control me like that anymore. I really don't want anything to do with them ever again if bullying, attacking, and shunning is the result of being in their favor for a short time.
I long for family relations that are peaceful and happy and full of love (at least part of the time) but I suppose part of me is at peace because I realize I have to say goodbye to them because they are hugely negative factors in my life. I just wish they would leave me alone completely because that would be much easier. The constant games of pretending that my mother does to me and my children every once in a while in which she "pretends" she can't wait to spend time with us and wants us to be around her are over for me.
It's all a sadistic game she plays and I have accepted it and rejected it forever. I can still be hurt by her proclamations of love for my sister and wishing her a happy birthday weeks before her birthday and giving me nothing but silence and hatred for no reason, but to temporarily be in her favor is not acceptable to me. I can never trust her motives (hard thing to say about your own mother) and can never feel accepted or loved for me by her, so why bother getting sporadic positive feedback that happens once in a blue moon and hatred and vindictiveness the rest of the time?
She tends to pretend she cares when there are other family members on my father's side or her side to impress. She likes to pretend that we are close when they are around, but otherwise she treats me worse than you would someone who had stolen your car or robbed your house.
I'm a very honest person and can accept my faults and own up to them, but I do not deserve anything that she has done to me. Even my children are old enough to realize it and my son will ask me periodically why my mother acts like she hates me. What a sad thing for a 13-year old to ask their mother and for me to have to attempt to explain.
I wished her (my mother) a happy birthday anyway because I won't let her turn me into someone like her.
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