KISSFAN1   124,717
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Thanks Everyone For the Support

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Thanks everyone for the comments you made on my Spark Blog yesterday. It meant a lot to me and I appreciate the time you spent commenting on my situation.

I'm going to do what I normally do when I'm in pain (no, not gorge on food, LOL) and that is stay busy and get things done that I need to get done for my family.

We did a test run of some of the home school curriculum that I purchased back in July at the home school curriculum fair and I realized there are a few things I need to purchase to go with the books, particularly the science book I bought.

The children seem to like the history and science books I purchased so far although as usual, they aren't thrilled about math or grammar, LOL.

Despite the stress I'm dealing with right now, I'm still doing great with my calorie intake and I'm not gorging or going overboard with food. I'm proud that despite my emotional state that I'm remaining in control, but boy has it been hard lately.

I've been searching for another church consignment sale to take all our excess kids' clothes, books, etc. to and I think I found my third one. I have one sale coming in the beginning of September and whatever doesn't sell I hope to take to this third one that I found. This consignment sale is closer to my home than the other 2 but you don't get as big a percentage of your sales as the others. I figure by the time I take everything to the first 2 sales, I'll be happy to get anything for what is left over.

It sure beats having to hang on to fall/winter clothes that the kids can't wear anymore and hold on to them another whole year since the next sales after these will be next year for spring/summer clothes and I can't bring fall/winter clothes to those sales.

I need some extra income anyway to pay for the curriculum I still need to purchase, but was unable to find at the home school curriculum fair, so hopefully the last two sales will help with that.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BNBLYNNE 8/31/2010 10:26AM

    I'm glad you have learned how to deal with your situation.

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KISSFAN1 8/30/2010 3:29PM

    Thanks Irishgirl74!

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IRISHGIRL74 8/28/2010 10:27AM

    I hope things work out!

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Dealing with the Emotional Hurt

Friday, August 27, 2010

I hope to stay home for a change today and get some things done. I have to prepare for our new school year starting next week so I'm trying to organize all that plus get the house in shape for the weekend.

I'm still feeling very depressed right now due to family situations. I'm blogging about this because my instinct right now is to go gorge on the tortilla chips and hummus with abandon and I know why I'm wanting to do that but figured it was best for me to write about it, whether anyone reads it or not.

My mother and sister joined Facebook a few months ago (I'd already been a member for awhile before they became members). My mother sent me an invitation but my sister didn't because we are not on talking terms at all. She is exactly like my mother and abuses her daughter in so many ways that I can't bear to be around her. I've tried to stand up for my niece but I keep getting it turned around on me and accused that I hate her. Why would I be standing up for her if I hated her? I'm the only one doing that and the only one brave enough to say something about the situation she's under. I try not to blame my sister or mother in the situation and focus on my niece only when I mention things, but they have turned on me like I am the devil.

As a result, I have had to sadly give up on helping my niece and live with the fact that she will have the same exact childhood as I did and feel unloved and uncared for. She is already showing really bad behavior as a result and I wouldn't be surprised to see her pregnant at an early age in her search for love and acceptance from someone.

My mother and I have never had a good relationship because she has never given me unconditional love or acceptance. I've tried my entire life to please her and do everything I could to make her love me, but to no avail. I realize now that she is incapable of it so I have quit trying to please her and just leave her alone. I realize she is furious that she doesn't have the control over me anymore that she once had. She doesn't really love me, she just wants to be in control of me and to feel like she has the power to hurt me as deeply as she possibly can.

I've seen her do it to other people and laugh about it, so I'm not oblivious to how she works. She is very cunning and will smile at you while she searches to find your weaknesses so she can attack them when you least expect it. As a result, I'm always on my guard where she is concerned because I know how she works.

When she sent me a Facebook invite I waited awhile before I accepted, because I knew it was not because she cared about me, but was more to punish me and see what was going on in my life. Well what I knew would happen has, she posted pics on her FB page and made sure one was sent to me so I would see them.

What do I see? Well, my sister is her FB profile pic with the words "My **insert my sister's name) on it and my sister's name is listed first as her children. I am the oldest and you would think that you would name the oldest first. A silly thing to mention I'm sure, but if you knew my mother, you would know it's done intentionally that way. Everyone I know who has more than one child lists them in order of who is the oldest first including me.

She had 1 pic of me with nothing written under it at all, but tons of comments on all the other pictures.

What other pics does she have? Well tons of pics of my sister and family at last Thanksgiving that I was not invited to so I would be sure to see it. And the hits keep coming.

I truly don't understand why a mother of all people would go out of her way to hurt her child that she gave birth to, but that has always baffled me my entire life and I have always felt that I was unloved and unwanted by her as a result. I felt like nothing good was supposed to be a part of my life because I obviously didn't deserve it because I never felt I was supposed to be happy.

This as well as tons of other little barbs and hurts she goes out of her way to kick me in the teeth with has caused me to be very upset lately. I try avoiding her as much as possible because she only wants me in her life to punish me. She was abused as a child, and as a result abuses me. My sister makes sure it is known that she and my mother are close and best friends so I know (as if I didn't know it anyway) that I am not accepted or loved by any of them.

I can identify with my niece and the way she is treated by my sister because I was treated the same way, but they twist everything around and accuse me of hating her, etc. The sad thing is, it's my sister that hates her own daughter, not me and they hate that I can see the truth. Nice family huh?

So I'm dealing with wanting the hurt to go away and wanting peace and no drama in my life to happen. I stay away but I get blamed for things even though I haven't spoken to my sister in almost a year and haven't seen her in years. Facebook is their way of getting to me since I avoid them at all costs. I knew better to not accept my mother's invite (my sister pretends I don't exist so no invite from her which is fine since I would not have accepted anyway), but part of me knew that if I didn't, the price would have been even worse than accepting.

So I'm da**ed if I do and da**ed if I don't.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BNBLYNNE 8/31/2010 10:26AM

    Hugs to you. I do not understand why some families can do this to each other. Block them both on facebook so you do not have to see those pictures that bother you so much.


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KISSFAN1 8/31/2010 8:56AM

    Thank you so much Caroline for taking the time to read my ongoing family saga post and for your comments. They mean a lot to me.

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CAROLINECHICAGO 8/30/2010 10:07PM

    I just saw your post. I'm so sorry. My husband had similar issues with his father. It's so wrong . . . but I know I don't have to go there with you. Just de-friend them on Facebook and try to move on and enjoy your life with your wonderful kids and husband. As my husband has always said, "If it hurts, why do it? You wouldn't keep hitting yourself with a hammer."

Hang in there, sweetie.

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KISSFAN1 8/28/2010 8:27AM

    Thank you everyone for the encouragement and for listening to my pain. It's not always on my mind, but it seems she "hits" me emotionally from time to time so it's fresh in my mind again.

I'm done with the abuse and although I don't have a relationship really with them, it seems they try to find other ways to "get me" since I don't go down to visit anymore and can't do it in person. I'm done with Thanksgiving visits anyway since it is a 4-5 hour drive and I have to turn right back around and come back home the same day since my husband ALWAYS has to work the day after Thanksgiving. I'm not driving 8-10 hours in one day and get abused and treated badly on top of that.

My parents don't celebrate other holidays because of the religion I was brought up in, but my sister and I do. I do that alone with my family as well so I'm used to doing it alone.

All my family lives in another state so as dysfunctional as they are, they are near each other and can be together but I feel abandoned because I'm in another state (not their fault, of course) and also feel like I'm shunned from the family for not accepting the abuse that has been doled out to me all my life.

I'm used to being alone as I mentioned earlier so I will accept that and deal with it, but when family members who should love you attack me for no reason and call me up and leave terrible comments on my answering machine or to me, then I have no use for that type of behavior.

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SUZYMARC 8/27/2010 9:15PM

    I am so sorry this is the situation you must live. Your mom doesn't know what she is missing in having a healthy relationship with you. Maybe beyond the control factor she is actually jealous of you and the traits you so wonderfully carry.

I too have tried to rescue a niece for many years but the abuse and twisted behaviors outweighed my good influences and attempts at constant communication. A child will copy what is in front of them on a daily basis. How you managed to get out of that loop, is a wonder and a GOOD one at that.

You cannot let their toxic behavior bring you down, that gives them back power. Besides remember you don't want that negativeness being somehow absorbed into your own children who have a wonderful mom who loves them enough to make them a priority.

Avoid the facebook scene and ignore her. I'd like to believe she may change for you, but honey it just might never happen. Love the family you have created, teach your children your wonderful ways, and make a new legacy that carries on encouragement, family love, and respect. emoticon

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MARSHASTAR 8/27/2010 11:04AM

    I'm old now and can finally look back and see what a hard life my mom had.
She never liked me at all, and I finally accepted that fact and was able to start finding ways to be kind to her anyway.

Yours is a sad situation so many have experienced.
You have to know you are an exceptional person just because you are you.
Your mom may never see that, but it isn't your fault.
Surround yourself with people who can see your greatness - avoid your family if they bring out negative feelings in you.
Oh, yes, avoid those facebook encounters. Best wishes to you.

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CLASSYLADYMAY 8/27/2010 10:35AM

    OH i so know a little how you feel.. But even thou your mom wants to control.. she still loves you.. she just doesnt know how to show love in the right way.. maybe it comes from how she was brought up i dont know.. the thing is we know our parents arent perfect so excepting them as they are is best.. but one thing for you to do.. as my mom died and had a stroke before that and i didnt get a chance to tell her what i wanted to tell her and feel that i should have, because i resented her so much and stuff that hurt me, i should have told her. So its hard but i would tell her how you feel, if you dont it will affect you all your life.. and then when you want to tell her.. you might not be able to . Dont think bad of yourself.. you are a awesome woman and your mom just losing out on the best life with her daughter!

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MRE1956 8/27/2010 9:33AM

    Wow.....this is such a shame.....

emoticon about your family situation - blood is not always thicker than water, sad to say.....

emoticon

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MYBULLDOGS 8/27/2010 9:17AM

    emoticon

anyone can produce a child. it takes a parent to raise a child.

we all have our crosses to bear. you are not alone with having difficult family members. just because you have the same blood doesn't mean they are truly family.

been there, done it.

don't let them drag you down. get off facebook and move on and enjoy your life. live your life for you. good luck. emoticon

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Dealing With Emotional Issues and Wanting to Emotionally Eat

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The kids and I ran to the thrift store I mentioned yesterday and although the pajamas that we were wanting were gone, we found a great alternative for my daughter and they were also Children's Place brand and half off the tag since all clothes were 50% off yesterday. They were in great condition and fit her perfectly so I can relax knowing she is almost completely set for the cold weather which seems like it will never get here in the humid south.

I stopped by the thrift bread store on my way home as well which I'm very lucky to be near since it saves so much money when buying bread. They carry whole wheat products too so that makes me happy.

I've noticed lately that I've been going through some emotional issues that I am sure stem from my family situation (birth family, not my children/husband) and I'm starting to feel a little irritated that I can't eat with abandonment. I'm not starving myself so it's not due to hunger at all, in fact I feel overfull sometimes even under 1300 calories, so I know it's emotional.

I know I'm an emotional eater and my method of dealing with pain and hurt is self-medicating with food. I haven't done that since I started this site and hope to not do that at all again, but right now I'm feeling the urge although I don't plan to allow myself to do that.

I don't deprive myself of things I want and I eat the things I really love such as cinnamon almonds, peanut butter, etc. and to be truthful I know I'd feel terrible if I did allow myself an episode of emotional eating so that's why I control myself.

It's been hitting me hard lately though and again it's not a hunger thing but an emotional thing. I'm sure it will pass eventually, but it's really bothering me right now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 9/10/2010 10:00AM

    Thank you so much Suze for the suggestions and encouragement!

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SUZYMARC 8/27/2010 9:02PM

    You know what I do when stressed or dealing with emotional issue. Well, first off I make sure NOT to have any chocolate in the house or boxes of Cheerios. Yes, I can consume an entire box of Cheerios like its a tub of popcorn at the movies when dealing with emotional issues.
For me I find a way to distract myself by reading a book, or when trying to work out what's really bothering me emotionally and to cope with the negative energy I've always found some form of exercise to help release the energy and turn it into a positive. Going for a walk works wonders and gives me the opportunity to think stuff out.

Whatever it is you are currently doing your inner battle with remember YOU are a WONDERFUL person that I proudly call "friend", don't sell yourself short. emoticon

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Getting Ready To Start New Home School Year

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

We had the best time yesterday at the bee-keeping presentation that another home schooler in our group put together. The lady giving the presentation brought her bee-keeping outfit, talked about bees, explained how she became a beekeeper, gave out honey samples, etc. Even though the kids knew a lot already about bees, I think they and we moms learned something new about them.

The kids played with Legos and on the playground afterwards while the moms caught up and went through coupons that one of the moms brought. It's so funny how none of them (except for me and one other mom) used coupons until I convinced them of how much money they could save by using them.

We got to plan for a few more activities in the near future including a fabulous apple orchard in the North Carolina mountains that I absolutely love, a renaissance fair, etc.

I informed my kids recently that we are starting our schooling (we home school) full time next week some time and so when I got back home yesterday I proceeded to go through all the books I purchased in July at the home school convention a friend and I went to. I discovered I apparently didn't purchase a much needed book (Easy Grammar) for one of my children and thought maybe I misplaced it around the house, but couldn't find it anywhere.

I definitely remember having it in my stack of books to purchase, but when I put the huge stack down of books I was planning to purchase in order to look at other books on the tables, I must have left it behind on the table of curriculum. Sigh. I will have to purchase it online or else go to a store in the area that carries a few home school items in the near future.

The store in my area is more expensive than the vendors at the home school convention, but we need it despite the full price cost, so I'll have to bite the bullet. I really hate paying full price for anything and am sort of irritated with myself, but it's easily done since there are so many people there and you have to squeeze through the crowds of people to look at the curriculum while bringing the stack of items you're purchasing with you. You end up stacking books on top of other books that particular vendor is selling on the tables and sometimes things get left behind if you have a huge stack like I did.

I was so thrilled with the pants I got my daughter at a thrift store Monday and think I may go back today because we saw some Children's Place pj's (winter) for sale there in her size, but didn't get them because they were full price and a sign on the door said they were having 50% off today so thought we'd go by today and see if they were still there. There were a few other things we saw that didn't have a 50% or 75% tag on them (the tag color changes every Monday and then changes again the following Monday) and I'm too cheap to pay full price even at a thrift store unless it's really cheap. Luckily this store is only 5 miles from me so I can go without spending a lot of money on gas.

Every month or so this store has all their clothes/shoes 50% off so you don't have to search for a particular color tag and can get any of those items for 50% off regardless of the tag color. I saw some awesome gowns/pjs in my size too that I may look at and purchase as well so crossing my fingers that they are still there.









  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 8/26/2010 7:26AM

    Caroline - You're so sweet to say that and I wish I could say that I had unlimited patience, but I'd be lying. :-) Home schooling works for our family though. I hope you had fun at the back to school party, that sounds like a fun activity.

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CAROLINECHICAGO 8/25/2010 11:41AM

    My kids started back to school today. Finally! I have a big website content /design deadline that I'm trying to meet--but I did squeeze in some time for a morning Back-to-School Mom Party that a friend in the neighborhood through. I so respect you for homeschooling your children. You are truly brave and selfless. I just couldn't do it. You must be a very patient person!

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So Sleepy - Found Some Needed Items for My Daughter at the Thrift Store

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I've been up since around 4:30 am and I really hate when this happens. I feel so cranky and irritable when I don't get enough sleep. Unfortunately I am a very light sleeper (always have been) and if I get up during the night or morning it's almost impossible for me to go back to sleep.

The kids and I went to the thrift store yesterday because after going through all their clothes (winter and some summer minus the shorts) prior to the church consignment sale I just attended, I realized my daughter needed some waterproof type pants in case we have snow this winter.

I was very lucky to find two pairs that fit her and both were 50% off the tag price! One is a brand new pair with tags and the other looked like new. I also found an awesome brand new spelling book for $1.50 that had a price tag of $18 on it. I get so excited when I can find great deals on their clothes as well as the occasional educational item that we can home school with.

No new clothes for me though although I could definitely use some new pants. I'm in between sizes that I have in my closet right now. What that means is, some of my pants are a little baggy and probably don't flatter me too well. I have other "skinny" pants in my closet that fit and I can wear, but my aggravating saddlebags are a little too magnified in them for my comfort so I will wait and hopefully wear those when I drop some more weight.

I'm doing great with having plenty of shirts, but pants are the issue for me. I'm still holding out hoping to find some bargain pants since I hope to be in a different size when I get to my goal weight.

I think I'm in another plateau again (grrrrr) and it's most probably because I have not been exercising like I should. That seems to be the story of my life lately and I am so tired of feeling guilty about it. I'm proud of how well I do with my calorie intake, but I stink when it comes to exercise.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 8/26/2010 7:32AM

    60Sixty - Thanks for the tip. I'm being super cheap though and looking for a very cheap deal on pants since I don't want to be in this particular size forever and hope to be out of it in a few months. I doubt I buy any capri pants or shorts in this particular size due to I'm thinking they will be too big next summer, but I'm kinda in between sizes right now so don't want to put a lot of money (even $15 is more than I want to spend now, LOL) into them.

Suzy - Congrats on the new bra size! I'm glad that some of my posts can help others in some small way. I know it sounds like I'm "cheap' in my posts sometimes and I'm really not, I just consider myself frugal. We will spend money on things (occasional vacation, acivities, etc.) but I can't feel comfortable if I haven't looked for some type of discount or found an alternative to save some money. I hate wasting money! :-)

I'll get this exercise thing down eventually, I'm just disappointed in myself for neglecting it for so long. I know the more I get things organized (my life, my house, our school, etc.) then I will be able to focus more on exercise like I should.



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SUZYMARC 8/24/2010 7:16PM

    Once you get your home schedule in order and can budget in the exercise time I know you'll stop dropping again. I am hoping with Daniel starting up school this week to really mix up my exercise routine with home projects to finally catapult off this plateau and see the 130s again in this lifetime.

You always amaze me with your bargain suave and I love reading the blogs. They plant ideas in my head so when I am out in town I search for that bargain. Its still to warm around here to be worrying about pants I just stick to the shorts and capris for now. Good news is I actually have gone down a full cup size and 2 sizes down in bandwidth so I just ordered myself some new bras. For me that's a big celebration and I take it where I can.

Honey, I wake up each morning to my husband's alarm at 4:30AM so I understand but I've programmed myself to just get up and make the most of my time by squeezing in some exercise workouts before my son wakes. We too are pretty much on our own, but should I actually ask my parents for help, it would be there. I just don't since they worked hard and have finally retired. My hope is to get a part time job after getting my license since I enjoy the interaction with customers and I LOVE being BUSY.

Don't give up on yourself and budget in those 10 minute Spark workouts and see how that goes. Keep your head up and spirits high! You have friends out here that really do care. emoticon

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60SIXTY 8/24/2010 7:33AM

    I went through what you describe with pants. I bought one pair of black ones at Fashion Bug as they have a variety of styles for plus sizes.
when I can find something, I shop Good Will. But they seem to have mostly junior sizes.

I shocked myself out of a plateau by changing my exercise routine.

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