Saturday, August 28, 2010
Thanks everyone for the comments you made on my Spark Blog yesterday. It meant a lot to me and I appreciate the time you spent commenting on my situation.
I'm going to do what I normally do when I'm in pain (no, not gorge on food, LOL) and that is stay busy and get things done that I need to get done for my family.
We did a test run of some of the home school curriculum that I purchased back in July at the home school curriculum fair and I realized there are a few things I need to purchase to go with the books, particularly the science book I bought.
The children seem to like the history and science books I purchased so far although as usual, they aren't thrilled about math or grammar, LOL.
Despite the stress I'm dealing with right now, I'm still doing great with my calorie intake and I'm not gorging or going overboard with food. I'm proud that despite my emotional state that I'm remaining in control, but boy has it been hard lately.
I've been searching for another church consignment sale to take all our excess kids' clothes, books, etc. to and I think I found my third one. I have one sale coming in the beginning of September and whatever doesn't sell I hope to take to this third one that I found. This consignment sale is closer to my home than the other 2 but you don't get as big a percentage of your sales as the others. I figure by the time I take everything to the first 2 sales, I'll be happy to get anything for what is left over.
It sure beats having to hang on to fall/winter clothes that the kids can't wear anymore and hold on to them another whole year since the next sales after these will be next year for spring/summer clothes and I can't bring fall/winter clothes to those sales.
I need some extra income anyway to pay for the curriculum I still need to purchase, but was unable to find at the home school curriculum fair, so hopefully the last two sales will help with that.
Friday, August 27, 2010
I hope to stay home for a change today and get some things done. I have to prepare for our new school year starting next week so I'm trying to organize all that plus get the house in shape for the weekend.
I'm still feeling very depressed right now due to family situations. I'm blogging about this because my instinct right now is to go gorge on the tortilla chips and hummus with abandon and I know why I'm wanting to do that but figured it was best for me to write about it, whether anyone reads it or not.
My mother and sister joined Facebook a few months ago (I'd already been a member for awhile before they became members). My mother sent me an invitation but my sister didn't because we are not on talking terms at all. She is exactly like my mother and abuses her daughter in so many ways that I can't bear to be around her. I've tried to stand up for my niece but I keep getting it turned around on me and accused that I hate her. Why would I be standing up for her if I hated her? I'm the only one doing that and the only one brave enough to say something about the situation she's under. I try not to blame my sister or mother in the situation and focus on my niece only when I mention things, but they have turned on me like I am the devil.
As a result, I have had to sadly give up on helping my niece and live with the fact that she will have the same exact childhood as I did and feel unloved and uncared for. She is already showing really bad behavior as a result and I wouldn't be surprised to see her pregnant at an early age in her search for love and acceptance from someone.
My mother and I have never had a good relationship because she has never given me unconditional love or acceptance. I've tried my entire life to please her and do everything I could to make her love me, but to no avail. I realize now that she is incapable of it so I have quit trying to please her and just leave her alone. I realize she is furious that she doesn't have the control over me anymore that she once had. She doesn't really love me, she just wants to be in control of me and to feel like she has the power to hurt me as deeply as she possibly can.
I've seen her do it to other people and laugh about it, so I'm not oblivious to how she works. She is very cunning and will smile at you while she searches to find your weaknesses so she can attack them when you least expect it. As a result, I'm always on my guard where she is concerned because I know how she works.
When she sent me a Facebook invite I waited awhile before I accepted, because I knew it was not because she cared about me, but was more to punish me and see what was going on in my life. Well what I knew would happen has, she posted pics on her FB page and made sure one was sent to me so I would see them.
What do I see? Well, my sister is her FB profile pic with the words "My **insert my sister's name) on it and my sister's name is listed first as her children. I am the oldest and you would think that you would name the oldest first. A silly thing to mention I'm sure, but if you knew my mother, you would know it's done intentionally that way. Everyone I know who has more than one child lists them in order of who is the oldest first including me.
She had 1 pic of me with nothing written under it at all, but tons of comments on all the other pictures.
What other pics does she have? Well tons of pics of my sister and family at last Thanksgiving that I was not invited to so I would be sure to see it. And the hits keep coming.
I truly don't understand why a mother of all people would go out of her way to hurt her child that she gave birth to, but that has always baffled me my entire life and I have always felt that I was unloved and unwanted by her as a result. I felt like nothing good was supposed to be a part of my life because I obviously didn't deserve it because I never felt I was supposed to be happy.
This as well as tons of other little barbs and hurts she goes out of her way to kick me in the teeth with has caused me to be very upset lately. I try avoiding her as much as possible because she only wants me in her life to punish me. She was abused as a child, and as a result abuses me. My sister makes sure it is known that she and my mother are close and best friends so I know (as if I didn't know it anyway) that I am not accepted or loved by any of them.
I can identify with my niece and the way she is treated by my sister because I was treated the same way, but they twist everything around and accuse me of hating her, etc. The sad thing is, it's my sister that hates her own daughter, not me and they hate that I can see the truth. Nice family huh?
So I'm dealing with wanting the hurt to go away and wanting peace and no drama in my life to happen. I stay away but I get blamed for things even though I haven't spoken to my sister in almost a year and haven't seen her in years. Facebook is their way of getting to me since I avoid them at all costs. I knew better to not accept my mother's invite (my sister pretends I don't exist so no invite from her which is fine since I would not have accepted anyway), but part of me knew that if I didn't, the price would have been even worse than accepting.
So I'm da**ed if I do and da**ed if I don't.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The kids and I ran to the thrift store I mentioned yesterday and although the pajamas that we were wanting were gone, we found a great alternative for my daughter and they were also Children's Place brand and half off the tag since all clothes were 50% off yesterday. They were in great condition and fit her perfectly so I can relax knowing she is almost completely set for the cold weather which seems like it will never get here in the humid south.
I stopped by the thrift bread store on my way home as well which I'm very lucky to be near since it saves so much money when buying bread. They carry whole wheat products too so that makes me happy.
I've noticed lately that I've been going through some emotional issues that I am sure stem from my family situation (birth family, not my children/husband) and I'm starting to feel a little irritated that I can't eat with abandonment. I'm not starving myself so it's not due to hunger at all, in fact I feel overfull sometimes even under 1300 calories, so I know it's emotional.
I know I'm an emotional eater and my method of dealing with pain and hurt is self-medicating with food. I haven't done that since I started this site and hope to not do that at all again, but right now I'm feeling the urge although I don't plan to allow myself to do that.
I don't deprive myself of things I want and I eat the things I really love such as cinnamon almonds, peanut butter, etc. and to be truthful I know I'd feel terrible if I did allow myself an episode of emotional eating so that's why I control myself.
It's been hitting me hard lately though and again it's not a hunger thing but an emotional thing. I'm sure it will pass eventually, but it's really bothering me right now.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
We had the best time yesterday at the bee-keeping presentation that another home schooler in our group put together. The lady giving the presentation brought her bee-keeping outfit, talked about bees, explained how she became a beekeeper, gave out honey samples, etc. Even though the kids knew a lot already about bees, I think they and we moms learned something new about them.
The kids played with Legos and on the playground afterwards while the moms caught up and went through coupons that one of the moms brought. It's so funny how none of them (except for me and one other mom) used coupons until I convinced them of how much money they could save by using them.
We got to plan for a few more activities in the near future including a fabulous apple orchard in the North Carolina mountains that I absolutely love, a renaissance fair, etc.
I informed my kids recently that we are starting our schooling (we home school) full time next week some time and so when I got back home yesterday I proceeded to go through all the books I purchased in July at the home school convention a friend and I went to. I discovered I apparently didn't purchase a much needed book (Easy Grammar) for one of my children and thought maybe I misplaced it around the house, but couldn't find it anywhere.
I definitely remember having it in my stack of books to purchase, but when I put the huge stack down of books I was planning to purchase in order to look at other books on the tables, I must have left it behind on the table of curriculum. Sigh. I will have to purchase it online or else go to a store in the area that carries a few home school items in the near future.
The store in my area is more expensive than the vendors at the home school convention, but we need it despite the full price cost, so I'll have to bite the bullet. I really hate paying full price for anything and am sort of irritated with myself, but it's easily done since there are so many people there and you have to squeeze through the crowds of people to look at the curriculum while bringing the stack of items you're purchasing with you. You end up stacking books on top of other books that particular vendor is selling on the tables and sometimes things get left behind if you have a huge stack like I did.
I was so thrilled with the pants I got my daughter at a thrift store Monday and think I may go back today because we saw some Children's Place pj's (winter) for sale there in her size, but didn't get them because they were full price and a sign on the door said they were having 50% off today so thought we'd go by today and see if they were still there. There were a few other things we saw that didn't have a 50% or 75% tag on them (the tag color changes every Monday and then changes again the following Monday) and I'm too cheap to pay full price even at a thrift store unless it's really cheap. Luckily this store is only 5 miles from me so I can go without spending a lot of money on gas.
Every month or so this store has all their clothes/shoes 50% off so you don't have to search for a particular color tag and can get any of those items for 50% off regardless of the tag color. I saw some awesome gowns/pjs in my size too that I may look at and purchase as well so crossing my fingers that they are still there.
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