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Organizing - Making It Worse Instead of Better? LOL

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Today I am trying very hard not to be emotionally drained as I have been lately. I'm focusing on positive things in my life and staying very busy to keep my mind off of all the family drama and my father's illnesses. Of course I can't forget his illnesses as they are ongoing and major, but I have to get myself out of this "funk" I'm in or I will be too depressed to function.

Believe it or not, I am STILL organizing my master closet. I really don't know why it's taking me so long but every time I organize something I end up with more mess which is maddening as it seems the more you organize the less you should have to deal with, LOL. emoticon

I bought some large plastic drawer type containers (has three drawers) at Wal-Mart this week to go in the closet to keep clothing organized in it. I had some similar ones, but these are much wider and are more like a dresser drawer.

I am getting so frustrated that it's not making life easier as far as organizing because my bedroom looks more cluttered than it did before I started organizing, LOL. Maybe I'm organizing too much?!!

I had to pull out my summer clothes from the attic yesterday as it has been too darn hot to wear long pants at this point. It is getting in the 80's and it is only the first day of spring. I hate to see what our summer will be like; but hopefully I will be organized somewhat before then!!!

Harris Teeter (grocery store) is supposed to have triple coupons tomorrow, which means I have to get seriously organized with my coupons and my list of what to get. I will be gone all day to a homeschool event so it has to be done today so I can stop by in the afternoon tomorrow after we're done with the event. Of course that means the kids have to come with me and that's never a good thing when I'm trying to focus on saving money and finding good deals with coupons and a million other shoppers doing the same thing as me, LOL.

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KISSFAN1 3/20/2012 6:13PM

    I guess I"m not the only one then who is making more of a mess than getting things organized, LOL. It's so frustrating because I was hoping to have more room once I got organized, but now I'm left trying to figure out where to put this stuff although I have lots of containers. emoticon

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PEPPYPATTI 3/20/2012 5:58PM

    LOL! Been there-done that-still doing it! I still trying to get organized from summer to winter. I guess I can just unpack the boxes again!
emoticon emoticon

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CSDAYS 3/20/2012 9:05AM

    I painted and the mess was awful until it was finished and put back together again. Keep at it.

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Emotionally/Mentally Overwhelmed

Monday, March 19, 2012

I feel emotionally drained right now and basically like I am an outsider regarding any interaction with my family (other than my father). I found out from a cousin that my father got sent home from the hospital yesterday (never got told anything by my mother/sister).

Once again, I'm not contacted and I'm left out of what's going on. I want to see my father, but literally feel like I would just fall apart emotionally if I had to be around my mother/sister right now. I literally can't do it. I can't deal with the hostility directed my way when I have done nothing to deserve it.

I'm a big enough woman to say when I'm wrong in a situation, but have had to face the fact that my mother is emotionally stunted and unable to care for me. I have tried to make the relationship work so hard, but I just found myself mentally/physically exhausted after decades of trying and getting no where. You can't do it yourself no matter how hard you want your mother to be a normal mother and pretend she wants to have a relationship with you. If I continued trying it got worse because she realized that I was desperate to have some type of relationship with her, even if it meant that I accepted blame for something that I didn't do and I would be willing to accept any anger she had towards her late father and other people she hated as well as accept being emotionally abused.

I realized with great devastation that there was no hope of ever having a "decent" relationship with her. For me to have a relationship with her meant that I had to agree to being her scapegoat and accepting blame for every thing that happened in her life and her childhood although I had nothing to do with it (I live in another state so have nothing to do with her life). I couldn't do it anymore no matter how desperate I was to get her love and I realized that she was hurting me more the more I tried.

I'm being punished constantly because I don't allow her to abuse me anymore and she can't do it to my father (her 2nd scapegoat) because he is very ill with two different diseases. She's very frustrated of course because I feel somewhere in there she cares about him, but I know her enough to know that she wants to attack someone and that someone has always been me for some reason (even as a small child).

I'm trying to keep all communication going between my father and I and found out on Facebook yesterday that he had been released from the hospital by a post made by a cousin. I never got a phone call from anyone telling me.

I'm trying to keep busy right now to keep my mind off all the emotional issues I'm dealing with. The biggest emotional issue of course is dealing with the possibility of losing my father. I don't think you can ever be ready for something like that and I'm certainly not giving up hope or thinking that he's going to die soon, but I'm the type of person who tries to face the truth and reality.

Again, me saying that doesn't mean that I'm giving up and thinking the worst because I don't. I have great hope and am relieved that my father seems to be wanting to fight these two major health issues and that makes me very happy. I will be right there with him supporting him and helping him fight as much as I can.

I'm already emotionally exhausted though from the shunning I feel (as usual) from my mother/sister and I just feel helpless and overwhelmed with sadness. Of all times, you would think that I would be included and not treated this way, but I guess I should have known better and not have had any hope of some type of normalcy to happen during this time.

I really fear that when/if my father gets too weak that I will be completely cut off and won't be able to communicate with him. I'm sick to my stomach with fear for my father and fear that they will succeed in keeping him from me.

The same thing happened when my uncle died so I have a reasonable fear. I'm trying to reach out to other family members on my father's side so that I can find out what is going on in case that should happen. It's sad that I have to go through them (and of course I'm calling my father too) to find out about my father.

I'm just mentally/emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed with all of these issues but I won't let it keep me from trying to reach out to my father no matter what they do to me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 3/20/2012 8:55AM

    Thanks everyone for your posts and help! emoticon

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ANAIS57 3/19/2012 11:04AM

    sending you a mail with an article i read recently.

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GARDENCHRIS 3/19/2012 7:06AM

    sorry to hear this .... do what you need to do to take care of yourself..... when things settle down some, you might benefit from seeing a councilor to help you deal with these things. good luck. emoticon

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SWEETANGO 3/19/2012 6:45AM

    Family relationships are so difficult. My best to you.

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Got to Talk To My Father

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I called my father in his hospital room yesterday (picked a time that I figured my mother would be not there so she wouldn't answer and start her emotional games) and I was so relieved to hear his voice. He sounded so much better than he did when I called him the day after his surgery and wasn't dealing with as much pain and actually could eat now.

I asked him (since my mother got angry when I asked) if he was planning to do chemo and he told me that he was which also made me feel better. He has the type of religion that teaches their members to avoid doctors at all costs (medication too) which is why I almost ended up dying several times with asthma attacks when I was younger and living at home.

Unfortunately I had to tell him that my mother never called me after his surgery (he had it in the morning and I never got a call although I asked her to the entire day). I called her twice and she finally answered later in the evening after his surgery. He told me that she had his cell phone so he would make sure he got it from her so I could contact him that way when he got out of the hospital.

I told him also that she never told me that he had kidney failure the entire two years that they knew about it. I felt bad telling him these things while he's dealing with two major diseases, but I know that my mother/sister are the cause of him leaving an ugly phone message on my answering machine as well as an ugly letter he sent me accusing me of avoiding him years ago.

I was so upset because it is them (mother especially) who avoid me and here I was being accused of that for the first time from my father. When he finally answered the phone years ago I told him that he had no reason to think that I was avoiding him and that I would NEVER do that. He finally realized that it was untrue. I just don't want them poisoning his mind while he's fragile and dependent on them again, so I felt like I had to tell him these things although I felt bad since he's dealing with so many more important things right now.

I'm still concerned about his health because he said that he wouldn't be able to start chemo until 2 months or so from now as he has to heal from the surgery first. At least he's not giving up and seems to be willing to fight both of these situations, which are really 3 as he has high blood pressure and had a mini-stroke years ago as well.

I'm relieved he made it through the surgery okay and I hope to have him around for many years to come.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISSFAN1 3/19/2012 6:21AM

    Thank you for your prayers every one; I really appreciate it! emoticon

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KISSFAN1 3/19/2012 6:19AM

    I'm being nothing but kind and calm with them, but tend to let out how I really feel about the situation on my blog. I feel my mother cuts me off from my father at times and that's why I have to tell him things so he knows that what she is saying (as well as my sister) aren't true.

It's a very emotional time for me, because I'm very worried about my father right now. I won't give up hope about his prognosis and I'm so happy that he doesn't seem to be doing that either. I'm (as always) keeping my lines of communication with him open and I actually communicate with my mother when I have to, but it is very difficult for me because of her games and her disdain of me that she has had since I was a little kid.

I can remember as a small child telling my aunt (one of my mother's sisters) that my mother hated me. I really knew it even then and obviously nothing has changed.

It's difficult dealing with my father's illnesses and not feeling like I can turn to my mother/sister for support to support each other through this. I feel like a stranger and I'm not included. It's almost like I'm shunned and it's very painful because I haven't done anything to deserve that.

My mother does have a lot of mental/emotional issues so for some reason she chose me as her outlet for any anger or hatred she had, even as a small kid.

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SUGARSMOM2 3/18/2012 11:42AM

  wow. what a load you are carrying . Your emotional body must be tired . Now that you let it out breathe . we can not control what others do but we sure would like to try . we can only control our self . try to keep the lines of communication open with your dad ,your mother must have a whole bunch of problems of her own .one problem at time . dad might get better we will pray for him and you . be kind in your dealing with them . someday you may stand in their shoes .

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AZMOMXTWO 3/18/2012 10:59AM

  I will keep him and you in my prayers I will pray that your mother larns to let him live his own life

may you have peace in your heart towards your mother

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Lab Tests Back

Saturday, March 17, 2012

My mother called me briefly yesterday afternoon and the results are in for my father's colon cancer. It seems he is level 3 and the worst is level 4. She didn't really tell me anything much and got angry if I asked any type of question, so I had to do my research online.

I'm scared to death from what I read online because that on top of him having kidney failure (level 3 of that as well) isn't good.

I'm very emotional right now not only from the diagnosis and prognosis (at least from what I can read online) but also the anger I had projected my way from my mother. Please realize that I know this is upsetting for her, but it is for me as well as he is my father.

This is just typical for my mother, no matter the situation, to project anger and hostility my way. I wasn't allowed to ask questions because she just got angry so I had to do my own investigation to get answers.

I'm dealing with not only this huge blow of my father's health, but having to deal with a mother who's never been the type of mother that anyone would like to have. I feel like I'm only being told the bare necessities out of her being able to say later "I told you" although she never shared with me that he had kidney failure (I got out of her that he had it diagnosed two years ago).

I live 5 hours away from where they are which means if I go down I can't stay with them because of the hostility directed my way. If I don't go, they will direct hostility my way. I lose either way. I don't know what to do as I am always kept out and not included, so don't know if it would even do well for me to go down right now.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAL2525 3/17/2012 6:14PM

    Sounds like your Mom emotionally dumps on you no matter what. I am so sorry and I can't imagine how painful that must be for you. I agree with DonnaJean that maybe you could go just to visit your Dad. In the long run you may be really happy you did. The trick here is not to allow your Mom to draw you into a verbal fight. What ever she says just try to respond in a loving manner. Don't let her push your buttons. I am going to say a few prayers for you, and your Mom and especially for your Dad. Also sending you lots of positive energy and a tephlon shield! Sal

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PEPPYPATTI 3/17/2012 4:02PM

    I can so understand your situation. In one conversations with my mom regarding my dad she said he would be home on Wednesday. In the very same conversation she mentions DNR measures. Here I am 2400 miles away. He died the next day. Some families are just emotionally messed up. I am here if you just need to vent!


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MOMNGUITARMAN 3/17/2012 11:24AM

    Hey Girl, I am sooo sorry. I remember what it was like when my mom had cancer. I don't get along with my family either.
That being said, could you ask your mom or dad to give his doctor permission to talk to you. You could preface asking with something like "mom, you have so much on your plate right now and I don't want to bother you, so would it be okay for me to talk to dad's doctor so I won't have to bother you?".

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Feel free to lean on me if you need to.

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DONNAJEAN2277 3/17/2012 11:10AM

    Sorry to hear you have the added burden of family strain on top of your father's diagnosis. If your mom's going to be hostile either way, maybe it would be good to go and see your father?

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Still Organizing

Friday, March 16, 2012

Today was the last day of our homeschool P.E. until we start a new program in the fall. I got to work out on the treadmill and although I wasn't feeling great (that time of the month) I am glad that I got some exercise in. My daughter is really bummed because she has been enjoying working out every Friday, so once again we're thinking about a membership at the YMCA if we can swing it.

We are going to a play tonight that some of the homeschooled children in our group are in (we get in free since someone is giving us tickets) so we save $15! I know my kids will enjoy it and so will I as I am always impressed with the stage performances there.

I am almost done with my closet organization although I have a few things I need my husband to put in (hooks and other things) so that we can hang hats and such on them. I need to get one more container for all my flip-flops so that they are organized together and get a shoe rack for my extra shoes.

I am loving walking into my closet now and don't dread it like I used to. I found, of all things, some VHS tapes while I have been organizing so I suppose it's safe to get rid of those since we don't have a VCR, LOL! It's amazing some of the things that you hold on to for years!

Back to the flip flop organization, I noticed that some of my flip-flops look like I had literally walked on wet asphalt as they were pitch black on the bottom part (where your foot goes) so I was about to toss them, but found something online that said to wash them with a scrub brush after you soaked them in powdered Tide. Well I didn't have Tide (powdered anyway) but I do have several boxes of Surf powdered detergent (I normally buy liquid but have had these powdered containers since we used to have a regular washer, but now use liquid due to having a front loading washing machine). I let them soak in hot water mixed with a cup of the Surf and afterwards I scrubbed them with the scrub brush and it seemed to get most of the black off.

It saved me some money anyway since I live in my flip-flops in the summer time and lately it has been feeling like the summer. We got into the 80's today, so it sure doesn't feel like winter.

I'm going to have to purchase some type of plastic dresser or plastic chest of drawers to store our winter clothes in, but I'm hoping to find a good sale first as I have seen them sell for around $40 or so. I know I'll have to be patient, but I'm sure I'll find a deal one day. I know I could just buy some more plastic containers, but I need something that is vertical vs. horizontal as we have limited space in the attic.

Tomorrow afternoon I pick up my unsold items and hopefully some money that I made at the church consignment sale that is my last one for this season. I hope I don't come back home with lots of stuff although I am sure I will since they told me at my drop off that this was the most participation they had ever had (for the number of consignors). Oh well, I'll be positive and hope for the best and be happy if anything sold.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PEPPYPATTI 3/16/2012 7:40PM

    Yes it is amazing what we hang onto. I have about 200 cassette tapes that I can't seem to part with. My husband is also a hoarder & drives me completely nuts with his latest finds! Have a great weekend! emoticon

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