Monday, March 19, 2012
I feel emotionally drained right now and basically like I am an outsider regarding any interaction with my family (other than my father). I found out from a cousin that my father got sent home from the hospital yesterday (never got told anything by my mother/sister).
Once again, I'm not contacted and I'm left out of what's going on. I want to see my father, but literally feel like I would just fall apart emotionally if I had to be around my mother/sister right now. I literally can't do it. I can't deal with the hostility directed my way when I have done nothing to deserve it.
I'm a big enough woman to say when I'm wrong in a situation, but have had to face the fact that my mother is emotionally stunted and unable to care for me. I have tried to make the relationship work so hard, but I just found myself mentally/physically exhausted after decades of trying and getting no where. You can't do it yourself no matter how hard you want your mother to be a normal mother and pretend she wants to have a relationship with you. If I continued trying it got worse because she realized that I was desperate to have some type of relationship with her, even if it meant that I accepted blame for something that I didn't do and I would be willing to accept any anger she had towards her late father and other people she hated as well as accept being emotionally abused.
I realized with great devastation that there was no hope of ever having a "decent" relationship with her. For me to have a relationship with her meant that I had to agree to being her scapegoat and accepting blame for every thing that happened in her life and her childhood although I had nothing to do with it (I live in another state so have nothing to do with her life). I couldn't do it anymore no matter how desperate I was to get her love and I realized that she was hurting me more the more I tried.
I'm being punished constantly because I don't allow her to abuse me anymore and she can't do it to my father (her 2nd scapegoat) because he is very ill with two different diseases. She's very frustrated of course because I feel somewhere in there she cares about him, but I know her enough to know that she wants to attack someone and that someone has always been me for some reason (even as a small child).
I'm trying to keep all communication going between my father and I and found out on Facebook yesterday that he had been released from the hospital by a post made by a cousin. I never got a phone call from anyone telling me.
I'm trying to keep busy right now to keep my mind off all the emotional issues I'm dealing with. The biggest emotional issue of course is dealing with the possibility of losing my father. I don't think you can ever be ready for something like that and I'm certainly not giving up hope or thinking that he's going to die soon, but I'm the type of person who tries to face the truth and reality.
Again, me saying that doesn't mean that I'm giving up and thinking the worst because I don't. I have great hope and am relieved that my father seems to be wanting to fight these two major health issues and that makes me very happy. I will be right there with him supporting him and helping him fight as much as I can.
I'm already emotionally exhausted though from the shunning I feel (as usual) from my mother/sister and I just feel helpless and overwhelmed with sadness. Of all times, you would think that I would be included and not treated this way, but I guess I should have known better and not have had any hope of some type of normalcy to happen during this time.
I really fear that when/if my father gets too weak that I will be completely cut off and won't be able to communicate with him. I'm sick to my stomach with fear for my father and fear that they will succeed in keeping him from me.
The same thing happened when my uncle died so I have a reasonable fear. I'm trying to reach out to other family members on my father's side so that I can find out what is going on in case that should happen. It's sad that I have to go through them (and of course I'm calling my father too) to find out about my father.
I'm just mentally/emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed with all of these issues but I won't let it keep me from trying to reach out to my father no matter what they do to me.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Today was the last day of our homeschool P.E. until we start a new program in the fall. I got to work out on the treadmill and although I wasn't feeling great (that time of the month) I am glad that I got some exercise in. My daughter is really bummed because she has been enjoying working out every Friday, so once again we're thinking about a membership at the YMCA if we can swing it.
We are going to a play tonight that some of the homeschooled children in our group are in (we get in free since someone is giving us tickets) so we save $15! I know my kids will enjoy it and so will I as I am always impressed with the stage performances there.
I am almost done with my closet organization although I have a few things I need my husband to put in (hooks and other things) so that we can hang hats and such on them. I need to get one more container for all my flip-flops so that they are organized together and get a shoe rack for my extra shoes.
I am loving walking into my closet now and don't dread it like I used to. I found, of all things, some VHS tapes while I have been organizing so I suppose it's safe to get rid of those since we don't have a VCR, LOL! It's amazing some of the things that you hold on to for years!
Back to the flip flop organization, I noticed that some of my flip-flops look like I had literally walked on wet asphalt as they were pitch black on the bottom part (where your foot goes) so I was about to toss them, but found something online that said to wash them with a scrub brush after you soaked them in powdered Tide. Well I didn't have Tide (powdered anyway) but I do have several boxes of Surf powdered detergent (I normally buy liquid but have had these powdered containers since we used to have a regular washer, but now use liquid due to having a front loading washing machine). I let them soak in hot water mixed with a cup of the Surf and afterwards I scrubbed them with the scrub brush and it seemed to get most of the black off.
It saved me some money anyway since I live in my flip-flops in the summer time and lately it has been feeling like the summer. We got into the 80's today, so it sure doesn't feel like winter.
I'm going to have to purchase some type of plastic dresser or plastic chest of drawers to store our winter clothes in, but I'm hoping to find a good sale first as I have seen them sell for around $40 or so. I know I'll have to be patient, but I'm sure I'll find a deal one day. I know I could just buy some more plastic containers, but I need something that is vertical vs. horizontal as we have limited space in the attic.
Tomorrow afternoon I pick up my unsold items and hopefully some money that I made at the church consignment sale that is my last one for this season. I hope I don't come back home with lots of stuff although I am sure I will since they told me at my drop off that this was the most participation they had ever had (for the number of consignors). Oh well, I'll be positive and hope for the best and be happy if anything sold.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
As I expected, my mother never called me yesterday to let me know how my father's surgery went. I called around 1:00 p.m. to give the surgery time (wasn't sure how many hours it would be and neither was my father when I asked him) and left a message on her cell phone but never got a call back.
I called yet again around 6:30 p.m. in frustration (I always feel like she's playing games with me) and she claims she never got my message. I sent my message "urgent" so not sure why she didn't get it, but it's a familiar pattern with her.
Even if she didn't get my message due to some technical reason, don't you think when a person's father has surgery in the morning that you should have called your daughter who lives 5 hours away before the day is done at some point? All she was doing was sitting in his room (he was sleeping).
Seriously, I really hate getting so upset (although I remained calm on the phone with her) at her typical behavior towards me. I got to hear yet again how wonderful my sister is and how she saved the day, blah, blah, blah. I know it sounds like sibling rivalry (my children do it all the time so I know what it is, LOL) but this is a case of my mother ALWAYS praising my sister no matter that she doesn't raise her child etc., but I get treated like I'm the worst person in the world. This dynamic has gone on since I was born (of course I don't remember that far back, but remember my childhood very well) and it will always be that way.
That is why I have nothing to do with my mother or sister anymore as they are both alike and both love to play psychological games with me and my father. My father takes it, I don't anymore.
Luckily my father made it through the surgery okay, but they won't know what stage colon cancer he has until around Monday of next week. I'm sure I won't get a call once again so I made sure that I got my father's phone number at his hospital room so I don't have to keep going through her hopefully.
I'm on edge, not only from having to deal with the stupid games of my mother, but also most of all worrying about my father's health. I found out that he has stage 3 kidney disease (they knew for 2 years, but never told me until about a week ago).
I'm thankful that he made it through the surgery okay and hopefully got all of the cancerous mass. I was told that he had 1/3 of his colon removed and would be in the hospital for several days.
They are worried about his kidneys right now so I'm on edge with that issue and very emotional. I'm sure I'll feel better once I get a chance to talk to him and see how he really is doing.
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