Thursday, December 30, 2010
Yesterday was a terrible day for me... I literally ate a whole box of macaroni and cheese (with 2% milk and real butter!) because I was feeling so down and out!!!
After I realized what I'd done, I drank 4 cups of tea and a cup of warm water with epsom salts so that I wouldn't plug up... I mean, that's what cheese and dairy will do to ya, after all!... and I'm feeling MUCH better today. Even got up before noon (on my vacation, mind you, haha), showered, ate a healthy breakfast (and tracked it!) then went for a walk. Now mom and I are off to the commissary to buy some HEALTHY groceries... on full tummies so that we don't buy crap! :)
I'm beginning to think that my lack of WEIGHT loss is not actually a lack of FAT loss. I've got to measure my waist this evening, but I'm pretty sure I'm losing inches, and I feel better overall.
With my pageant date looming (only doing 2, as 2 of them were rescheduled) on 9 Jan 2011, I'm getting nervous (because my paperwork needs to get done and mailed in by 4 Jan, and all my fundraising for CMN -- a minimum of $100 -- isn't anywhere NEAR where it should be!!!
So, time to buckle down... I have 3 more study guides and a one-page well-being paper to do for school (the paper should be a piece 'o' cake, since I'm already taking care of it!) and the paperwork/music-cutting for the pageant... *sigh*
Wish me luck!!! :)
Blessings, Love, and Happy New Year!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
I'm on Day 10 of my 30 Day Get Moving Fitness Challenge, and I have to say that it's both easier and harder than I honestly thought it would be. Easier in that I can literally just walk for 30 minutes at lunch or the end of the day and fulfill my daily activity. Harder because, not only do I get bored easily, but I get distracted and have to force myself to GET.UP.
I just got back from today's walk, which really wasn't any big deal, except that my shin splints are just awful. haha
No no... in all of this, I'm finding that it's not even necessarily the whole exercise thing that's been getting to me; it's the DIET.
I couldn't have started this whole thing at a worse time. It's terrible. The holidays are just filled FILLED to the brim with nasty, processed, fatty, sugary foods. I hate it. My sweet tooth is SCREAMING at me everywhere I turn.
Yesterday and today were total cheat days for me. I tracked most of what I ate, but I won't even begin to think of how many calories I didn't track... the whole situation is making me feel claustrophobic.
Furthermore, because I've been eating a lot better in recent weeks than I have in MONTHS, my body is beginning to recognize when I eat poorly, and tonight I feel bloated, disgusting, and ugly to the umpteenth degree. I went on my walk after I'd finished eating for the day, and... gross as this is going to sound... I could FEEL the gas moving around in my intestines. UGH.
This may sound drastic, but I would much rather go hungry and feel hunger pangs for days, weeks on end, than feel this lousy because of food.
I watched Supersize Me again tonight, too, after I was done eating and before my walk, and it's amazing how I immediately felt guilty... and the need to purge. :(
Since I've struggled with disordered eating since I was around the age of 12... you can see where this could be a dilemma.
Enough complaining, though... if anyone has feedback, it'd be appreciated! Of course, we're all in the same boat here, so we could certainly start a little discussion on here, too. :)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I don't believe I even mentioned this in my previous post, but in addition to deciding to do the pageants, I've challenged myself to move for at least 30 minutes a day for 30 days -- in a row!
Day 2, and I stayed within my caloric range (because I'm still VERY motivated after 2 days, lol)... now it's time to end the day with a good workout and stretch session!
Anyone that would like to join me in this 30-day challenge, feel free! Let's blog every so often and keep each other motivated. 30 days is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things, and if we can do it consecutively for 30 days, then we can all certainly do it 3 days/wk for the rest of our lives! :)
Just count 30 days from the day you read this and decide to accept the challenge!
Monday, December 13, 2010
A year and 5 days ago I was forced to resign from my duties as Miss San Antonio 2010. I've since gained some weight, gotten back into school, started an internship, and moved to and from Wisconsin. However, I felt the sting of this milestone Saturday, while driving home from a friend's house. I realized: I allowed my situation to defeat me. Again.
I cried a lot... poured my heart out to my mum... and didn't really feel any sort of closure, because I was still left feeling... lost.
Just last September I was diagnosed with ADD, which was part of the reason I was ultimately let go; the other reasons stated were: I wasn't losing weight fast enough -- see: I was too "pageant" fat -- and my state of mind in dealing with a family illness.
Looking back at the situation, I do see that it was the best decision for everyone at the time. Only 22 days later my family suffered a huge loss, and their world, as well as my own, was turned upside down. However, ever since then I've felt robbed of my experience, which I eventually learned to accept that I'd earned, fair and square.
Having learned some things about ADD since being diagnosed, I now recognize that my tendency to feel defeated or overthink things is definitely indicative of my illness. Without even knowing it, I've had to work twice as hard to accomplish things as other people without ADD. Go figure.
You'd think I'd see my WINning Miss San Antonio as a badge of honor and accomplishment! Yeah... no. Instead, I've been looking at my being relieved from my duties as a big. fat. failure.
Anyway, I joined SparkPeople somewhere around October... somethingth. haha Being on here has definitely made me more conscious of what I eat and how I eat, but another obstacle I deal with, being ADD, is that I get bored easily. I'm good at setting personal goals, but when I experience a setback, my whole world is sent into a tailspin.
I haven't made much progress due to my "rationalizing" crap food into my diet and being inconsistent with my tracking, overall. Seriously, I was ready to resolve that I will forever be overweight for my height.
Most people would see this as negativity or being extremely too hard on myself.
Apologies. Can't change my nature, but little baby steps at a time.
Besides... God is REALLY working in, though, and on me these days. I've changed and grown in LEAPS and BOUNDS!
When I found out there was still time to compete in this year's pageants, though (and that I would be allowed to miss 5 days of school -- should I get the opportunity to go to Miss Texas -- if I did a few anticipatory make-up clinicals for school), I decided that this would be the perfect excuse to set myself a short-term goal!
In order to look good in a bikini again, I will DEFINITELY need to challenge myself to workout EVERY SINGLE DAY (a reasonable 30 min., at least), stick to my dietary range (1200-1300 cals/day), and start being girlie again!
I mean, you may not believe it, but wearing scrubs M-F 8-5 is a bit de-feminizing. lol
Please follow me on this journey. I'll need any and EVERYONE willing to read this and keep up with me to keep me accountable. If you notice I haven't tracked anything, message me. I need major support and motivation here! I believe I've got a good support system outside of SparkPeople, and a firm resolve, but I don't want to leave anything to chance.
This is not about winning (a crown) for me this time. This is about self-respect and self-esteem. I'm tired of being beaten down because of past mistakes. I'm ready to make changes and become a better person from it! I want to walk out onto those stages and perform my heart out (Francesca Battistelli's "Free To Be Me" see video here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKSQjSdU8VA ) and walk away from the experience(s) proud of what I've accomplished and who I am.
I thank you for your support, prayers, and love way in advance. So very much appreciated!
Also, if you'd like to contribute to terminally ill children's dreams (tax-deductible and good for humanity! perfect for the holidays), as well as support me in this endeavor, please visit the following link for information:
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Ok, so I've barely even embarked on my weight loss journey, and I'm already feeling defeated. I've gained 3 lbs. I don't know what to do.
I'm seriously considering reentering vegetarianism, and maybe just cutting everything I like out of my diet, but I know that won't last long. I like food too much!
I had a photoshoot today and never has it been more apparent that I'm losing this battle. I'm getting cellulite, and I've NEVER had cellulite before! I'm only 23! My stomach may not have rolls or anything, but it's big for my frame. I'm not made to hold so much weight!
Someone... anyone... help.
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