KISMET3570   7,748
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American Idol Burpees!

Monday, August 29, 2011

I did Burpees Everywhere a la for American Idol in Houston, and decided to post it! I didn't make it past the producers, but I did burpees before I sang and they applauded my engery, haha.

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KISMET3570 8/30/2011 10:27PM

    I'm on!!!

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KISMET3570 8/30/2011 12:01PM

    Hahaha MaryJane, you crack me up! There were so many people that had never heard of burpees at American Idol, and the producers actually told me that they were afraid it was something inappropriate! They laughed and said it was cute after, but I was surprised.
Burpees definitely take practice, and Freddy and Zuzana have a billion different variations. If you visit their website Zuzana gives great variations for beginners to build up strength before trying to add the power. Please don't hurt yourself!
And thank you for your continued encouragement!

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 8/30/2011 11:16AM

    I've watched this half a dozen times now trying to imitate you after each time watching. I now have a sore toe, my back hurts, and since I did it before I even got dressed this morning my chest hurts from my boobies bouncing so hard. I had never heard of or seen Burpees before.

I applaud your energy, too. Now stop trying to kill me! By the way, congratulations on pursuing your dreams. You should be very proud!

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SULFABABY 8/29/2011 9:13PM

    AWESOME!!! :)

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The next two weeks of my life are going to be hell...

Sunday, August 21, 2011

... because my mother is going to be taking finals. I get that she's struggling... I get that she needs extra time to study and stuff... and I get that she needs extra help around the house. But between her, my father acting like an adolescent, and my own internal/external/school problems... I'm freaking out.
American Idol is this Friday! How am I going to be able to practice like this? I have a major exam next Tuesday of my own. How will I be able to study? If I study at American Idol I lose out on warm-up. If I don't study there, will I force myself to do it basically all day Saturday?

This may sound stupid trivial to those that have children and a job and school and other obligations. But I didn't ask to run a dog rescue, my mom did, and now I'm taking over for two weeks on top of my own interests and obligations. And I said that I'm trying to get back on track? I'm already exhausted, and this is NOT going to help. My whole sleep schedule is off.

Just about ready to scream. *sigh* emoticon

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TAMARA6905 8/22/2011 6:18PM

    We all have our burdens to bear and yes, they may different from others, but that doesn't make them any less important. So don't feel like your issues aren't important or that you're complaining to much in comparison to someone else! Try to breathe and stay focused. It will all work out and hopefully the next couple of weeks go by quickly and smoothly for you!

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Do you know what I've just realized?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I've been willing to tell everyone about my journeys with (as barbaric as it sounds) and and my own internal struggle, but I've failed to mention the one resource that can possibly lead to a clinical recovery.

Constance Rhodes, the founder, wrote to me after I sent them a desperate email back in April. I wrote to ANYONE about my concern for my singing voice, one of the mentors passed the message along to Constance (also a singer), and I took nearly 2 months to write her back. I was terrified at what her concern actually meant: I'm sick.

When I finally did write her back, I didn't expect much. It took a few months after that, but she sent me a free, signed copy of her book LIFE INSIDE THE "THIN" CAGE. She said: "Tasha, you are more than a number on the scale. Let God - not Man - be the one to determine whether you're worthy of a crown. (you are) 6 Aug '11"

While I'm grateful for her concern, the fact that she IS concerned still freaks me out. It's difficult for me to tell anyone about this. I told one of my good friends last night because he's on FB and I don't have to face him until he gets back from Afghanistan in March. I write about my struggles on here because I know that I will probably never meet any of you. This is my judgment-free zone.

But do you know that when I tell other people about this website I'm terrified of giving them my link or my username? I would be mortified if my family found out... in their eyes, I'm kinda the black sheep to begin with. Living out my formidable years halfway across the country really allowed them to take minimal interest... and when I moved back to get to know them last year following my failure as a beauty queen (nowhere near my right mind) all of those relationships just seemed to blow up in my face.

I can't tell you how truly and utterly alone I feel sometimes. Most times. It's probably prepping me for the mental struggle I'll face when I get to medical school... or at least that's what I keep telling myself. (Mainly because I want to believe I'm cut out for med school)
"This is God's will for me" What a load of crap! Doesn't God want me to be happy with who I am, because He created me?

I know that this blog will leave many of you in the online community scratching your head about me. I'm a puzzle even to myself. But what I appreciate most from all of you is the unrelenting support. You could probably be calling me "guano" (my new term for "batsh*t"... use it, because it's awesome, lol) behind your computer monitor, maybe you read and don't respond, others still may take one look at how much I write and move on... but the fact that someone is "listening" makes a huge difference to me. It's like free therapy. I guess.

Anyway, I'm only in the second chapter of this book, LIFE INSIDE THE THIN CAGE, and every word I read is like validation. I'm not the only one that's felt this way. Her journey was VERY different from mine in many, many ways... but the core struggle is the same. And she's beat it. Other people have beat it. And if my friend, who's halfway around the world being shot at, sincerely believes that I'm a strong person that's capable of beating it... maybe there's something to it. I had to acknowledge this part of my recovery publicly, though... I'm a spiritual, God-fearing person, but I've been dealing with my illness on my own. And I can't anymore. This is not solely my battle to fight. I'm tired of being a hypocrite.

So here's to being real.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KISMET3570 8/21/2011 11:48PM

    Thank you so much, Mary Jane... you're one of the many blessings I've met on this site.

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 8/21/2011 11:31PM

    To my way of thinking, being "real" is the only way to ever get exactly where you need to be. It is very hard to share some things with everyone, but you did it and for that you need to be proud of yourself. I will definitely pray for your friend tonight. I continue to pray for your healing.

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KISMET3570 8/21/2011 1:41PM

    P.S. Please pray for my friend's safe return.

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I hate this.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I've discovered that I honestly have begun to hate this stupid weight loss/health game.

I'm tired of the conflicting advice, the competition (inner and self-imposed), the constant guilt I feel just for eating.

I read an article today about a young lady that's sworn off mirrors for an entire year, encompassing 6 months BEFORE HER WEDDING. What a bold move! I wish I had the guts to do something so inspired. But, alas, I keep eating... and I'm starting to think it's also out of fear.

What am I afraid of? Missing out on another bite of the same sugar I've been eating for years and years? Of upsetting someone because I didn't eat their dish? Which, btw, at school potlucks there are plenty of people don't eat my dish simply because they don't like a single ingredient, and I get over it.
Am I afraid of, once and for all, being what I'd like to be because that will mean no more excuses to hate myself?

The past two days have been utter diet disaster. I ate, I purged... but I can't even cry because that would require too much effort. I slept all day yesterday. I went for a bike ride today and bonked hardcore due to my lack of hydration... and complete physical exhaustion.

Someone told me recently that I inspired them. Really? This f*ck up? I'm honestly terrified of the world in which I'm an actual inspiration. If I have motivated someone to get up and try to be better, that's awesome, but I, in no way, should be anyone's source of "feel goods".

Did you know at the beginning of this year I committed to read the Bible through in a year? Yeah, it's well WELL past the halfway point, and I'm about 40% through. I'm mortified. And I'm horrified that I've allowed my own selfish agenda to overcome the single most important relationship that exists in my life.

My body is rebelling, and I'm retaining water, my waistline won't stop expanding, I'm drained of all my energy... I'm scraping to hold on to anything that will bring me back from the brink.
I say tomorrow is my day of redemption, but how realistic is that? I tried asking my parents to be more supportive of my recovery today and my dad had some smart*ss remark about how supportive he is by trying to share my foods... see: he eats what little food I set aside for myself because it's fresher and tasty (That may sound horribly ungrateful, but dad has truly been acting like a selfish teenager as of late. I'm not happy with him.) Mom supports him by saying "I buy that stuff for both of you" when she plainly points out what she's gotten just for me after a supermarket run. In fact, I went grocery shopping with her last week and got exactly what I needed, he ate it, and she said the same thing. It's incredibly discouraging.

Anyway, I don't expect a ton of feedback from this. I'm simply venting in the one arena that I know I won't be blatantly judged for doing so.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MJ-SHE-BEAST 8/21/2011 11:54PM

    I can't say it any better than TaMara did. When I read so much pain and negativity in your blog I was not being judgemental, but I wanted so badly to tell you it's okay to vent here but if you believe...really believe so much of what you say and think about yourself and your journey then you needed to stop and focus for a bit on what you have accomplished and what you know you are capable of. You have shown so much in your blogs about who you are and the honesty of sharing about your eating disorders could not have been easy but they are all positives in showing how much you care about getting healthy. I can see why someone might say you inspire them, so don't short sell yourself in that respect either. We are here for you. So many people who will never be able to touch you in person or hold your hand in real life, but we are here and we will hold you up in word, thought, and care. Like the new anti-bullying campaign slogan says, "It gets better...hang in there!"

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KISMET3570 8/21/2011 1:34PM

    Thank you, Tamara. I'd like to give you a hug, but my computer monitor gets in the way.
Please read the blog I've just posted... it's probably the best response I could come up with.

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TAMARA6905 8/21/2011 9:55AM

    Hold it right there missy! You have got to stop beating yourself up! That is first and foremost! All that negative self-talk is not going to help you on your journey. It's going to keep bringing you down and you're setting yourself up for failure. I know it's a hard habit to break, but you have to try. No matter how successful any of us are, we still have our moments of giving into temptation, bouts of laziness, cycles of self-doubt, etc. It's part of our journey as HUMAN BEINGS! We're not perfect and are bound to trip, stumble, and fall many times over. It's not the falling that matters, it's the getting back up that counts! Tomorrow is ALWAYS a new day, filled with new opportunities to get back on track! Even if you take just one baby step like working out for 10 min or saying no to one unhealthy food item, you've taken a step in the right direction. And then you'll take another and another.

When I first started my journey I thought there would be no way I would ever do this. I love food. I love "bad for you" food. I hate working out. That is a BAD combination! But I took each day as it came. There were a lot of days I purged, consuming 3000 calories a day. There were lots of days where I laid in bed and watched tv, instead of working out. There were many days where I drank soda after soda, never giving water more than a glance. But after each of those set backs I simply started over again. If you keep trying and never give up, eventually it starts to get easier to stay on track and easier to bounce back from setbacks.

You can't control your parents, their actions, or their words, but you can control yours! They may not be capable of being as supportive as you'd like, but you have your entire Spark family on your side! We're ALL cheering you on with good vibes, lots of prayers, shoulders to lean on, whatever you need! You can do this! You're stronger than you think, just give yourself an opportunity to prove it!

emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 8/21/2011 9:56:54 AM

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KPOULIN 8/21/2011 5:08AM

    hmmm? I agree with sulfababy...and stop fretting! take this as it comes.

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SULFABABY 8/21/2011 3:51AM

    *More big hugs, T*

I don't know how much it will mean from Internet strangers, but girl you are BEAUTIFUL! Inside and out. You might not be perfect. Nobody is! But there are some really great qualities you have that are inspirational. I'm so sorry your parents are not as supportive as they should be. :/

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KISMET3570 8/21/2011 3:11AM

    I appreciate your support.
I actually cook for the family often because i enjoy it. And I can eat it. It's been a real battle trying to get my parents to understand this journey.

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MOMTO3CUTEBOYS 8/21/2011 1:28AM

    ((((Big Hugs Girl)))) Hang in there, it'll be okay. Do you cook your own meals or does your mom make them? Would it be easier for you if you made them and could even take what you made with you and heat it up at school if need be? (Just a thought)

I have no idea why you say they said you were too fat in the picture of you in the red dress...they are effin crazy. My 16 year old who came over by me a minute ago says your hot and they're

Hang in there honey and keep working towards your dreams, you won't be in your parents house forever. It gets better girl!

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My Journey

Friday, August 19, 2011

So sounds absolutely horrific. I don't know why i clicked on the link. I'm pretty sure I was just depressed and looking for something to kick me in the butt.

ANYWAY -- I checked it out. I'm on day 3, and it's not some guy screaming at me about how screwed up I am... it's a corporate mental toughness coach getting me to wake up to the fact that I constantly settle for less than my best. And why? Aren't I deserving of the full 100%?

The way he explained an addiction to food is like being an alcoholic. Except... you need food to live. Can't quit cold turkey... that = anorexia = death. Right?
Instead, his proposition is 90 days of 100% full-out diet perfection, whichever diet we individually decide to subscribe to.
Right now I'm following Freddy and Zuzana's Precision Nutrition-inspired guidelines:

"1) I will eat veggies 5 times a day with every meal (bright coloured veggies, green salads, fresh veggies, steamed veggies, and grilled veggies) and the portion size is about 2 hands cupped together.

2) I will eat complete lean protein 5 times a day with every meal (chicken breast, turkey breast, egg whites, fish, low fat dairy like cottage cheese, whey protein, lean red meat) and the portion size is as big as the palm of my hand.

3) I will eat every 3 hours. This will require some pre-planing and logistics, but it is possible.

4) I will eat carbs other than veggies (oats, potatoes, pasta, whole wheat bread,legumes, desserts, etc.) for breakfast and or within 2 hours after my workout.

5) I will drink hot green tea with every meal and I will also drink at least 2 litres of water a day. I donít really drink coffee anymore but if I have a coffee, it will be only 1 cup a day (black). No pops, sugary drinks, fancy flavored coffees etc. I might have a glass of wine on special occssions."

And, in fact... reading over it again... I've not been including enough veg. I was only aiming for 3x/day! I also aim for at least 3L of water/day, drink about 2c coffee in the AM, and will average 2c green tea/day.
One of the new goals I'm adding to this is getting at least 6hrs of sleep/night. I'm literally going to have to FORCE myself to be in bed by midnight on school nights. I tried it last night. It takes me a while to fall asleep, but I hope it will become habit in time. On weekends I'm going to aim for at least 8 hours of sleep.

I also believe in the one cheat day/wk, so I don't feel like I'm completely deprived. Normally this would be every Sunday, unless something comes up, and then I'll compensate, making sure to get my 6 days of work in. Instead of doing the full day now, though, I'm going to carefully choose a cheat meal (probably dinner) on Sundays. I won't count calories, though, and make sure to get all my water in. I won't be following all of the rules on Sunday, either, but choosing wisely instead of having a free-for-all as I had been.

The whole point of this, for me, is to rid myself of this horrible eating disorder. I want to take full control of my emotional eating and prove to myself that I am capable of LEARNING willpower.

I'm also extremely eager to get through this next 90 days and then use the principles I learn (as far as self-control and discipline) in ALL aspects of my life. Especially school, since I'll be restarting my Bachelor's program in January, after a full year of this LVn poop. Oh man, oh man.

I'm overwhelmed starting out... curious to see if I'll be able to push myself through it... but I plan on blogging every so often with updates so I can keep myself accountable. Please help keep me accountable! In fact, who wants to do it with me? emoticon

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JADUNN68 8/20/2011 8:26PM

    I love reading your blog :). I would like to be your accountability partner just tell me what I need to do. Is it Zuzana's guidelines? Let me know because I'm feeling so good doing her exercise and now I must do the clean eating (I'm saying that after I just finished a Mike's Light hard Cranberry Lemonade) to lose that last 10 lbs.

Thanks, Jane

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 8/19/2011 9:02PM

    My favorite part of your blog: "The whole point of this, for me, is to rid myself of this horrible eating disorder. I want to take full control of my emotional eating and prove to myself that I am capable of LEARNING willpower."

Wanting something enough and being ready to get what you want and do what is necessary is key. I can't wait to read how this goes for you! Good luck!

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SULFABABY 8/19/2011 5:10AM

    I must admit I was a little worried when you first mentioned it and I read the description! Glad it's not what it seemed to be! *hugs*

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