Monday, August 29, 2011
I did Burpees Everywhere a la Bodyrock.tv for American Idol in Houston, and decided to post it! I didn't make it past the producers, but I did burpees before I sang and they applauded my engery, haha.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I've been willing to tell everyone about my journeys with fatloser.com (as barbaric as it sounds) and bodyrock.tv and my own internal struggle, but I've failed to mention the one resource that can possibly lead to a clinical recovery.
Constance Rhodes, the founder, wrote to me after I sent them a desperate email back in April. I wrote to ANYONE about my concern for my singing voice, one of the mentors passed the message along to Constance (also a singer), and I took nearly 2 months to write her back. I was terrified at what her concern actually meant: I'm sick.
When I finally did write her back, I didn't expect much. It took a few months after that, but she sent me a free, signed copy of her book LIFE INSIDE THE "THIN" CAGE. She said: "Tasha, you are more than a number on the scale. Let God - not Man - be the one to determine whether you're worthy of a crown. (you are) 6 Aug '11"
While I'm grateful for her concern, the fact that she IS concerned still freaks me out. It's difficult for me to tell anyone about this. I told one of my good friends last night because he's on FB and I don't have to face him until he gets back from Afghanistan in March. I write about my struggles on here because I know that I will probably never meet any of you. This is my judgment-free zone.
But do you know that when I tell other people about this website I'm terrified of giving them my link or my username? I would be mortified if my family found out... in their eyes, I'm kinda the black sheep to begin with. Living out my formidable years halfway across the country really allowed them to take minimal interest... and when I moved back to get to know them last year following my failure as a beauty queen (nowhere near my right mind) all of those relationships just seemed to blow up in my face.
I can't tell you how truly and utterly alone I feel sometimes. Most times. It's probably prepping me for the mental struggle I'll face when I get to medical school... or at least that's what I keep telling myself. (Mainly because I want to believe I'm cut out for med school)
"This is God's will for me" What a load of crap! Doesn't God want me to be happy with who I am, because He created me?
I know that this blog will leave many of you in the online community scratching your head about me. I'm a puzzle even to myself. But what I appreciate most from all of you is the unrelenting support. You could probably be calling me "guano" (my new term for "batsh*t"... use it, because it's awesome, lol) behind your computer monitor, maybe you read and don't respond, others still may take one look at how much I write and move on... but the fact that someone is "listening" makes a huge difference to me. It's like free therapy. I guess.
Anyway, I'm only in the second chapter of this book, LIFE INSIDE THE THIN CAGE, and every word I read is like validation. I'm not the only one that's felt this way. Her journey was VERY different from mine in many, many ways... but the core struggle is the same. And she's beat it. Other people have beat it. And if my friend, who's halfway around the world being shot at, sincerely believes that I'm a strong person that's capable of beating it... maybe there's something to it. I had to acknowledge this part of my recovery publicly, though... I'm a spiritual, God-fearing person, but I've been dealing with my illness on my own. And I can't anymore. This is not solely my battle to fight. I'm tired of being a hypocrite.
So here's to being real.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I've discovered that I honestly have begun to hate this stupid weight loss/health game.
I'm tired of the conflicting advice, the competition (inner and self-imposed), the constant guilt I feel just for eating.
I read an article today about a young lady that's sworn off mirrors for an entire year, encompassing 6 months BEFORE HER WEDDING. What a bold move! I wish I had the guts to do something so inspired. But, alas, I keep eating... and I'm starting to think it's also out of fear.
What am I afraid of? Missing out on another bite of the same sugar I've been eating for years and years? Of upsetting someone because I didn't eat their dish? Which, btw, at school potlucks there are plenty of people don't eat my dish simply because they don't like a single ingredient, and I get over it.
Am I afraid of, once and for all, being what I'd like to be because that will mean no more excuses to hate myself?
The past two days have been utter diet disaster. I ate, I purged... but I can't even cry because that would require too much effort. I slept all day yesterday. I went for a bike ride today and bonked hardcore due to my lack of hydration... and complete physical exhaustion.
Someone told me recently that I inspired them. Really? This f*ck up? I'm honestly terrified of the world in which I'm an actual inspiration. If I have motivated someone to get up and try to be better, that's awesome, but I, in no way, should be anyone's source of "feel goods".
Did you know at the beginning of this year I committed to read the Bible through in a year? Yeah, it's well WELL past the halfway point, and I'm about 40% through. I'm mortified. And I'm horrified that I've allowed my own selfish agenda to overcome the single most important relationship that exists in my life.
My body is rebelling, and I'm retaining water, my waistline won't stop expanding, I'm drained of all my energy... I'm scraping to hold on to anything that will bring me back from the brink.
I say tomorrow is my day of redemption, but how realistic is that? I tried asking my parents to be more supportive of my recovery today and my dad had some smart*ss remark about how supportive he is by trying to share my foods... see: he eats what little food I set aside for myself because it's fresher and tasty (That may sound horribly ungrateful, but dad has truly been acting like a selfish teenager as of late. I'm not happy with him.) Mom supports him by saying "I buy that stuff for both of you" when she plainly points out what she's gotten just for me after a supermarket run. In fact, I went grocery shopping with her last week and got exactly what I needed, he ate it, and she said the same thing. It's incredibly discouraging.
Anyway, I don't expect a ton of feedback from this. I'm simply venting in the one arena that I know I won't be blatantly judged for doing so.
Friday, August 19, 2011
So fatloser.com sounds absolutely horrific. I don't know why i clicked on the link. I'm pretty sure I was just depressed and looking for something to kick me in the butt.
ANYWAY -- I checked it out. I'm on day 3, and it's not some guy screaming at me about how screwed up I am... it's a corporate mental toughness coach getting me to wake up to the fact that I constantly settle for less than my best. And why? Aren't I deserving of the full 100%?
The way he explained an addiction to food is like being an alcoholic. Except... you need food to live. Can't quit cold turkey... that = anorexia = death. Right?
Instead, his proposition is 90 days of 100% full-out diet perfection, whichever diet we individually decide to subscribe to.
Right now I'm following Freddy and Zuzana's Precision Nutrition-inspired guidelines:
"1) I will eat veggies 5 times a day with every meal (bright coloured veggies, green salads, fresh veggies, steamed veggies, and grilled veggies) and the portion size is about 2 hands cupped together.
2) I will eat complete lean protein 5 times a day with every meal (chicken breast, turkey breast, egg whites, fish, low fat dairy like cottage cheese, whey protein, lean red meat) and the portion size is as big as the palm of my hand.
3) I will eat every 3 hours. This will require some pre-planing and logistics, but it is possible.
4) I will eat carbs other than veggies (oats, potatoes, pasta, whole wheat bread,legumes, desserts, etc.) for breakfast and or within 2 hours after my workout.
5) I will drink hot green tea with every meal and I will also drink at least 2 litres of water a day. I donít really drink coffee anymore but if I have a coffee, it will be only 1 cup a day (black). No pops, sugary drinks, fancy flavored coffees etc. I might have a glass of wine on special occssions."
And, in fact... reading over it again... I've not been including enough veg. I was only aiming for 3x/day! I also aim for at least 3L of water/day, drink about 2c coffee in the AM, and will average 2c green tea/day.
One of the new goals I'm adding to this is getting at least 6hrs of sleep/night. I'm literally going to have to FORCE myself to be in bed by midnight on school nights. I tried it last night. It takes me a while to fall asleep, but I hope it will become habit in time. On weekends I'm going to aim for at least 8 hours of sleep.
I also believe in the one cheat day/wk, so I don't feel like I'm completely deprived. Normally this would be every Sunday, unless something comes up, and then I'll compensate, making sure to get my 6 days of work in. Instead of doing the full day now, though, I'm going to carefully choose a cheat meal (probably dinner) on Sundays. I won't count calories, though, and make sure to get all my water in. I won't be following all of the rules on Sunday, either, but choosing wisely instead of having a free-for-all as I had been.
The whole point of this, for me, is to rid myself of this horrible eating disorder. I want to take full control of my emotional eating and prove to myself that I am capable of LEARNING willpower.
I'm also extremely eager to get through this next 90 days and then use the principles I learn (as far as self-control and discipline) in ALL aspects of my life. Especially school, since I'll be restarting my Bachelor's program in January, after a full year of this LVn poop. Oh man, oh man.
I'm overwhelmed starting out... curious to see if I'll be able to push myself through it... but I plan on blogging every so often with updates so I can keep myself accountable. Please help keep me accountable! In fact, who wants to do it with me?
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