Friday, January 31, 2014
It's my real life cake day! 39 today and that's awesome. Let me tell you why.
3 years ago I lost 60 lbs very rapidly using a VLCD/starvation (HCG diet). I looked f*ng amazing, however, I made myself very ill (my hair literally started to fall out, my blood pressure dropped and I would get dizzy and pass out, I was irratable overly emotional, and most of all I was obsessed with my weight. I'd never been anorexic, it's not really in my nature, I my mind I was just following the rules of this VLCD, turns out the rules were basically 'act like an anorexic'. I looked wonderful but I had made myself sick and I was falling into a VERY dark place. My family insisted that I stop the VLCD. Turns out that I don't make a particularly pleasant starving person... huh. Who knew?
After that I just sort of crawled into a hole and gave up on every feeling beautiful again. My weight rapidly went back over a healthy BMI. I attempted to disappear, I alienated and withdrew from most of my friends. I felt completely out of control of my life. Pushed down by an overwhelming feeling of failure. I would spend what felt like hours a day telling myself what a loser I was. How if I only would do ______________ I would be beautiful again.
One day while I was in my little cave of isolation I was cruising my FB feed and I saw a post from one of my friends who I usually find obnoxious. She's a beach body coach and is always posting pictures of her sweaty face after a workout, and asking people if they want to join p90x (no, no I do not). She was starting a new group that was focused on being being body positive. She was posting these links to body positive pages and she posed this question that read something like “How would you behave differently if you KNEW you would spend the rest of your life at the weight you are today?” I thought to myself “I'd relax and finally buy some f*ng clothes that fit me”. I had spent two years buying Costco yoga pants in XXL and stretchy Maxi dresses that are made out of some magic material that fits me no matter what size I am. I had not worn something with a button or structure in well over a year, I had not been on the scale in 2. I could not fit into 90% of the clothes that were hanging in my closet.
I can't say why exactly but something about that question. “How would you behave differently if you KNEW you would spend the rest of your life at the weight you are today?” just took the pressure off. It was like this moment of clarity. A moment where I was like “WOW, I could actually just say "SCREW IT!" and accept myself at this weight and never ever ever try to lose another pound! That's actually an option!” I'd never given myself the option to stay overweight, I only thought and talked about how much I sucked and how I would never be beautiful again. The amount of crappy things I would tell myself on any given day was uncountable. I was constantly berating myself for being a loser. So, I sort of followed her hypothetical question. I gave myself permission to never lose another pound. I started following some positive websites and FB pages, and paying more attention to the BBW movement. I realized that there ARE some big gals out there that are jaw dropping gorgeous.
I kept seeing pages talking about this negative self talk, the internal dialog that says “you suck because____” I used to be a big believer in the concept “as you think so you become”. I know that there really is something quite profound about “the secret”. I realized that I had gotten so stuck in thinking about my fat that I didn't see how destructive my internal dialog had become. I realize that I had spent 2 years telling myself that I am a broken, depressed, piece of ugly fat. Seriously! If anyone else had ever talked to me the way I talked to myself I would have leveled their ass. So, I made a goal, for 30 days. I had ONE goal it was “stop being such a dick to myself” every-time I thought something crappy about myself I had to turn it around and think about 2 things I are actually pretty awesome about me. Shockingly, it worked! My mood improved. So I kept it up, all of a sudden I was smiling, I was interested in seeing my friends. I started to intentionally buy things that looked sexy on me (rather than try to squish myself into clothes that were too small and then get depressed and cancel the plans at the last minute). I started to go out with my girlfriends not caring that I was going to be the largest person in the room. I realized that people REALLY like me and they seriously don't care what I weigh. The only person who ever thought I was a fat loser was ME. I started to laugh, and feel confident. I still have good days and bad days. Depression is a real thing, and it seriously sucks. There is no easy solution, but this 'turn it around' thing was a simple mind trick that worked.
Today is my 39th birthday and I'm finally emotionally in a place where I'm genuinely happy, I think I am pretty, I have healthy relationships, and overall I usually feel pretty damn awesome. Now that I'm here emotionally I've realized that my friends hypothetical question was just that, hypothetical. I DON'T have to be this same weight for the rest of my life. Honestly, I'd rather not be. I'm physically pretty uncomfortable at 230lbs, I sweat a lot while I work, and I'm pretty tired at the end of the day, also, I have a hard time keeping up with my kid. I know all of these things will work themselves out as I get back down toward a healthy BMI.
My goal is to be in the mid healthy BMI range by my 40th birthday (about 160-170lbs) If I lose as little as 5lbs a month it's done. I don't have to starve or anything, I just have to do the math, track my nutrients, and move a little more every day. SO, that's my intro. Thanks for being here reddit, I hope to get to know you and I hope you get to know me (and maybe even like me).