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Embarrassing info

Thursday, May 12, 2011

As I sit here trying to write about negative self talk, I keep putting words down, then erasing them and telling myself "that's no good, who would want to read this crap". There's a voice in my head that doesn't like me and I just have to put up with it.

Embarrassing stuff starts here:

The negative self talk was always there, but just a whisper, more like doubts than outright negativity. But on Feb. 4th 1998 the negative voice began yelling, taunting me. That's the night my ex-wife told me she didn't want to be married anymore. I tried to understand what she was saying but I was blind sided with being informed that she wasn't having fun being married, that it was hard to be a mom. Within 2 weeks she was dating a real loser, out partying most nights and I was left to take care of an 18 month old. You can imagine that my negative voice was having a blast really tearing apart any confidence I had.
Some time passed and she eventually moved out of state and filed for divorce in '99. I tried to put my life back together but the pieces seemed to no longer fit. I fell into depression which seemed to please my negative voice, I could hear him telling me "you're no good, nobody wants you ...". Over the years I have pretty much overcome the depression but that voice still remains.

On top of feeling unworthy, I have the skin condition Psoriasis, which makes me feel like a disgusting bag of filth. I am very self conscious about it and that, coupled with being overweight has kept me from living my life for years now. The last time I went out on a date was in June 2001. Yes, 10 years ago. And the psoriasis has migrated into some of my joints causing psoriatic arthritis, very similar to rheumatoid arthritis. Quite painful at times.

So how do I combat the negative self talk? Well, I log onto sparkpeople and I read other people's posts and blogs and I leave positive comments in the hopes that those people will feel uplifted and that makes me feel better. I don't think I am a worthy individual, but I am working on that in my own way. Every day that I get my workouts in and track my calories and stay on the right path helps me to quiet that voice.

Hopefully writing all of this down here on my blog will act as a lifting of weight off of me, like removing the yoke and setting aside the burden of being me. And hopefully someone else will read this and know that they aren't the only one who feels unworthy.

Ken Heaston
Since 1970

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALWYS-LKN-UP 12/7/2011 7:49PM

    Oh, but you ARE worthy!! You exposed yourself Ken, which is way more than most! The fact that you do post positive comments on people's blog/pages also shows character & heart. They mean more than you'll probably ever know - just ask me I was the recipient of a few & it just made me smile & feel not so alone! You're doing great!!

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SANTOREONE 5/13/2011 10:40PM

    I am new here to spark people, I don't have a lot of friends yet, but when I read your post. I like that you are honest and it isn't easy. You are worthy. I think you are so brave. I haven't gotten to the place were can share my innermost thoughts negative or positive.

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CLPURNELL 5/13/2011 3:11PM

    You are definitely worthy. A bad marriage will totally wreck your self esteem. Been there and did that. You just have to pick your self up a little bit at a time. Do the things YOU like to do (eating too much is not one of them lol). Invest in yourself. You have already started doing that by coming here. Just keep trucking it will eventually get easier. emoticon

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SHINJU39 5/13/2011 11:54AM


You are definitely a worthy person


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NEW_PARADIGM 5/13/2011 8:34AM

    I so admire your strength in writing this. I'm sure you've seen the adage -- it's not what we eat, it's what's eating us. I'm learning that when my 'old stuff' starts surfacing again is when I'm getting real about releasing the layers of protection (aka fat) that padded me from letting go and truly living life. For that aspect of this, I'm excited for you -- the strength of character that took(takes) you through all those tough times is showing up for this journey as well.

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EMEEIE 5/12/2011 10:52PM

    Ken, thank you for posting this very brave blog. It WILL help others as negative self talk goes along with poor body image and that is the reason lots of us are here at SP.

When my favorite negative phrase I beat myself down with pops into my mind, I have found that when I say "NO, That is NOT true!" in a very loud voice inside my head it really helps to get rid of the thought. I say this as soon as the negative thought enters my conscious.

If you knew you as a friend, I bet you would have lots of nice things to say about your friend (you). It is okay to think of all the things you have accomplished and brag to yourself about them. In other words, acknowledge your good qualities to yourself! Hey, I have only known you for a short time and I thought you were cool right from the start! And now after reading this blog, I know you are. You have been through a lot and have been responsible for a lot. And now you are being responsible for yourself.

You know there is a thing called "fraud syndrome" or "imposture syndrome". It is where a person doesn't believe in their own successes or accomplishments. I specifically remember a book that was published some time ago where famous people were interviewed about it. Guess who admitted to having it? Paul McCarthy!!! I have always just found that amazing. And it has helped me realize that when I start feeling really badly about myself that I am not alone AND more importantly it is okay to acknowledge what I have accomplished and not give in to the fraud syndrome.

There are things that are in our control and things that are not. Eating healthily, exercising are definitely in our control. So is positive self-talk. Health issues, like psoriasis, are not in our control but we can do what we can to treat it. My understanding that it may be inherited or even can come on after a stressful situation (which the breakup of a marriage) falls under. I know a man who suffers from psoriasis and I think it is common to feel badly about oneself because of it. HOWEVER, it is a health issue.

I'm proud of you and hey, you are one of the 4/12ers and you know we have to stick together! : - ) You are a young man and you have your whole life ahead of you. And you (all of us) are taking steps every day to make your future better than your (our) recent past. That is in your (our) control.

Thank you so much again for posting this blog. Under your list of accomplishments I think you should write down---I am brave enough to be vulnerable in order to help myself and others.

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2DANCEAGAIN 5/12/2011 10:01PM

    I think you are sooooo brave for posting that! I admire you greatly and know you are on a good path now. I bet there is a big difference in how you feel now and when you started! Everyday you follow your plan the voice will get quieter and all you'll hear is APPLAUSE!!!!!!

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GRANDEFILLE 5/12/2011 8:57PM

    I can understand lots of what you say.... 21 yrs ago I came back from shopping with my friend and caught my husband in the shower with a good friend of mine. At least I thought she was. I had a 14 month old daughter at the time so again I can relate to you.
That kind of thing does leave a huge scar. It is hard but you can overcome it. I am almost there... emoticon
I'll tell you what I think of you :
- You stayed and took care of your child. that makes you a very good man.
-I know some who would have dropped the kid to one of the grandparents and gone their way. That makes you a good father
- you are here trying to get your life back. that makes you a fighter.

If you didn't have dates I'm sure it was more because deep down you didn't want one. (didn't deserve one) that sends vibes that will keep women away. I'm pretty sure deep down you didn't have time for a love affair and surely couldn't afford another broken heart. So you kept women away... Self preservation is a powerful thing.

You deserve a lot more than you are willing to give yourself. Maybe it is time someone kicked your butt and made you see all that you are....

keep writing... it is very liberating I think....

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KIYOSHI04 5/12/2011 8:32PM

    almost every night when you write, i read it, somehow always stumbling upon your blogs.
this one actually caused me to have a great big lump in my throat for you.... im glad you are quieting the voice and realizing your self worth.

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Week 4 weigh in just sad

Monday, May 09, 2011

So today was the week 4 weigh in. I didn't have high expectations for this week due to several factors, including eating too much yesterday at a Mother's day potluck (it was good though). So off to weigh in I did go.

And the verdict is:
Down .8lbs. I couldn't even lose a pound this week ... makes me a sad panda :(

But now begins another week and I will try harder. I have committed to losing 20 lbs. this month and dammit, I will do it. I am down 5.8lbs so far and I have 3 more weigh ins to lose an additional 15lbs. Difficult, yes, but I can make it happen. I just have to stay focused, clean up my diet a bit and push through the struggles that come my way.

Am I disappointed by this week's weigh in? You bet your ass I am. But I am also resolute and already looking forward.

I cannot change what is done, but I can change what I will do from this point forward.

Ken Heaston
Since 1970

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EMEEIE 5/12/2011 8:57AM

    First, thank you for the kind comment on my blog. I appreciate the encouragement more than you know. When the scale doesn't budge for me I do Just What You Did, Evaluate what I have been doing and Make changes. The old me would just do negative self-talk and say "What's the Use, I am never going to change." But the facts are we actually did change before when we stopped treating our bodies in a healthy way so there is no reason we can't change back to a healthy lifestyle again. And BTW, you lost .8 pounds this week!!!!!! When I read the SP success stories they all have in common weeks where the scale doesn't move at all or they even have gained weight, but what made them reach their goals was they evaluated what they did and didn't quit. Just like you are doing!

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GRANDEFILLE 5/10/2011 11:35AM

    you knew you hadn't done that well and you still lost some weight. that means something. Each pound you send packing is worth a lot. Keep going you are doing great

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JAMBABY0 5/9/2011 9:40PM

    Taking accountability for our actions is a big part of the battle! Learning from our mistakes is something we will always have t do! Keep going, don't give up you will get there. Remember YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

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Week 3 weigh in

Monday, May 02, 2011

This last week I have felt pretty good. I have had an increase in spasms in my lower back, but I really did expect that to happen as I am forcing those muscles to work when they don't want to. I'm just not going to push myself real hard and make a manageable situation into an unmanageable one. Small steps people!!

I'll keep this post short and just report the facts.

Week 3 weigh in
down 5.0 lbs

total lost in 3 weeks
13 lbs

Ken Heaston
Since 1970

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CCSCHOON 5/6/2011 8:51PM

  Great job!

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2DANCEAGAIN 5/2/2011 11:21PM

    Wow, good for you!!!!! Keep it up!!!!

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Saturday, April 30, 2011


Just 10 letters, but to so many of us it can sometimes feel like an invisible object just out of reach. We all have a plethora of reasons why we are here; to be healthier, to be happier, to feel more accepted, to be able to enjoy life more. But holding onto motivation sometimes feels impossible.

The goals listed above are all valid reasons for wanting to lose weight. But I believe they are too big to keep us on track. For instance, saying I want to lose 110 lbs. so I can look and feel good on my next birthday (11 months from now) is great, but it will not keep me on track day to day. Heck, I have 11 months to lose the weight, why be in a hurry today?

Instead I try to give myself smaller goals to aim for each day. On some days I really don't feel like doing any kind of workout. But I will make a deal with myself, I agree to not feel guilty if I do at least 5 minutes of some cardio or strength work. I know that 5 minutes isn't much, but it's 5 more minutes than I was going to do!

Every time I do this I train myself to workout and each time I go to do my 5 minutes, I always do more. For me it's not the working out that I dread, it's the getting my sore butt out of the chair to do the workout. Once I hit the 5 minute mark, I don't want to stop. I know that if I can do 5 minutes I can easliy to 10 since I have momentum on my side now. I will keep doing "5 more minutes" sometimes up to 45 minutes. Then after wards I can tell myself "that wasn't so bad".

So, dear people who end up reading this, convince yourself to do 5 minutes and see how far you can really take yourself!

"What you do in this life, echoes in eternity"

Ken Heaston
since 1970

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KING_SLAYER 5/2/2011 10:53PM

    Thanks for the positive comments guys :)

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KAREN951 5/1/2011 11:46AM

    So true! Overcoming the inertia is the hard part but once you're out there and moving it is much much easier to keep going.
Good luck!

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POCKETLLAMA1 4/30/2011 8:02PM

    Thank you for posting this!

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Week 2 Weigh In

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My week 2 weigh in came on Monday, the day after Easter. It wasn't a good week for me. Felt tired all week, didn't get in enough exercise, diet was all over the place. Top all of that off with the fact that a friend of mine fell off of a 2 story scaffolding at his house Saturday around noon, landing on concrete. He received 14 facial fractures, 3 broken ribs and a small lung puncture.

He got his jaw wired shut and several other bones wired back together on Sunday. He was released from the hospital on Tuesday afternoon. If it had been me that fell from that scaffold, I'm sure the damage would have been much worse.

My friend weighs approximately 150lbs, I weigh 309lbs. He practically floated to Earth, compared to how I would have fallen. Just another reason to lose weight, be thin and in good shape. We never know what perils await us around each corner. Being lean, strong and flexible means we can walk away from accidents that may otherwise kill or maim us. Add this to your reasons for being here.

Week 2 weigh in I lost 2.6lbs. Not too much, but great for such a bad week!


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