Thursday, May 12, 2011
As I sit here trying to write about negative self talk, I keep putting words down, then erasing them and telling myself "that's no good, who would want to read this crap". There's a voice in my head that doesn't like me and I just have to put up with it.
Embarrassing stuff starts here:
The negative self talk was always there, but just a whisper, more like doubts than outright negativity. But on Feb. 4th 1998 the negative voice began yelling, taunting me. That's the night my ex-wife told me she didn't want to be married anymore. I tried to understand what she was saying but I was blind sided with being informed that she wasn't having fun being married, that it was hard to be a mom. Within 2 weeks she was dating a real loser, out partying most nights and I was left to take care of an 18 month old. You can imagine that my negative voice was having a blast really tearing apart any confidence I had.
Some time passed and she eventually moved out of state and filed for divorce in '99. I tried to put my life back together but the pieces seemed to no longer fit. I fell into depression which seemed to please my negative voice, I could hear him telling me "you're no good, nobody wants you ...". Over the years I have pretty much overcome the depression but that voice still remains.
On top of feeling unworthy, I have the skin condition Psoriasis, which makes me feel like a disgusting bag of filth. I am very self conscious about it and that, coupled with being overweight has kept me from living my life for years now. The last time I went out on a date was in June 2001. Yes, 10 years ago. And the psoriasis has migrated into some of my joints causing psoriatic arthritis, very similar to rheumatoid arthritis. Quite painful at times.
So how do I combat the negative self talk? Well, I log onto sparkpeople and I read other people's posts and blogs and I leave positive comments in the hopes that those people will feel uplifted and that makes me feel better. I don't think I am a worthy individual, but I am working on that in my own way. Every day that I get my workouts in and track my calories and stay on the right path helps me to quiet that voice.
Hopefully writing all of this down here on my blog will act as a lifting of weight off of me, like removing the yoke and setting aside the burden of being me. And hopefully someone else will read this and know that they aren't the only one who feels unworthy.
Monday, May 09, 2011
So today was the week 4 weigh in. I didn't have high expectations for this week due to several factors, including eating too much yesterday at a Mother's day potluck (it was good though). So off to weigh in I did go.
And the verdict is:
Down .8lbs. I couldn't even lose a pound this week ... makes me a sad panda :(
But now begins another week and I will try harder. I have committed to losing 20 lbs. this month and dammit, I will do it. I am down 5.8lbs so far and I have 3 more weigh ins to lose an additional 15lbs. Difficult, yes, but I can make it happen. I just have to stay focused, clean up my diet a bit and push through the struggles that come my way.
Am I disappointed by this week's weigh in? You bet your ass I am. But I am also resolute and already looking forward.
I cannot change what is done, but I can change what I will do from this point forward.
Monday, May 02, 2011
This last week I have felt pretty good. I have had an increase in spasms in my lower back, but I really did expect that to happen as I am forcing those muscles to work when they don't want to. I'm just not going to push myself real hard and make a manageable situation into an unmanageable one. Small steps people!!
I'll keep this post short and just report the facts.
Week 3 weigh in
down 5.0 lbs
total lost in 3 weeks
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Just 10 letters, but to so many of us it can sometimes feel like an invisible object just out of reach. We all have a plethora of reasons why we are here; to be healthier, to be happier, to feel more accepted, to be able to enjoy life more. But holding onto motivation sometimes feels impossible.
The goals listed above are all valid reasons for wanting to lose weight. But I believe they are too big to keep us on track. For instance, saying I want to lose 110 lbs. so I can look and feel good on my next birthday (11 months from now) is great, but it will not keep me on track day to day. Heck, I have 11 months to lose the weight, why be in a hurry today?
Instead I try to give myself smaller goals to aim for each day. On some days I really don't feel like doing any kind of workout. But I will make a deal with myself, I agree to not feel guilty if I do at least 5 minutes of some cardio or strength work. I know that 5 minutes isn't much, but it's 5 more minutes than I was going to do!
Every time I do this I train myself to workout and each time I go to do my 5 minutes, I always do more. For me it's not the working out that I dread, it's the getting my sore butt out of the chair to do the workout. Once I hit the 5 minute mark, I don't want to stop. I know that if I can do 5 minutes I can easliy to 10 since I have momentum on my side now. I will keep doing "5 more minutes" sometimes up to 45 minutes. Then after wards I can tell myself "that wasn't so bad".
So, dear people who end up reading this, convince yourself to do 5 minutes and see how far you can really take yourself!
"What you do in this life, echoes in eternity"
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
My week 2 weigh in came on Monday, the day after Easter. It wasn't a good week for me. Felt tired all week, didn't get in enough exercise, diet was all over the place. Top all of that off with the fact that a friend of mine fell off of a 2 story scaffolding at his house Saturday around noon, landing on concrete. He received 14 facial fractures, 3 broken ribs and a small lung puncture.
He got his jaw wired shut and several other bones wired back together on Sunday. He was released from the hospital on Tuesday afternoon. If it had been me that fell from that scaffold, I'm sure the damage would have been much worse.
My friend weighs approximately 150lbs, I weigh 309lbs. He practically floated to Earth, compared to how I would have fallen. Just another reason to lose weight, be thin and in good shape. We never know what perils await us around each corner. Being lean, strong and flexible means we can walk away from accidents that may otherwise kill or maim us. Add this to your reasons for being here.
Week 2 weigh in I lost 2.6lbs. Not too much, but great for such a bad week!
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