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Wk 73 Trying to right the ship

Sunday, September 02, 2012

(Begin Rant.)

I have some admissions to make. I was not good this past week. I ate pretty terribly and I only got to the gym a couple of times. I have also been derelict in keeping up with you all, reading your blogs, checking my friend feed, etc.

Yesterday was my grandmother's memorial service, it was nice. The only tears I saw were shed by my over dramatic cousin who enjoys having attention paid to her. It was a nice service, but still it was sad.

Another admission, I've been depressed. Not from the passing of my grandmother, not from putting a few pounds back on, not from feeling like I'm not prepared for Tough Mudder at the end of the month. Not from any one thing. Possibly from a lot of little things all bound up together; all that I've mentioned already plus bummed about writing papers for school, not having a job, my back and hip hurting and always feeling lonely.

I kind of feel like I'm in quicksand. I attempt to break free of how I feel but the harder I've tried to shake the feelings, the more I'm pulled in. I just came home from a vacation, but maybe I need some time off from stressing about what I'm eating and how much time I spend in the gym. I need to get back to enjoying preparing my food and going to the gym. Lately it's all been drudgery and that's a problem. I haven't enjoyed going to the gym for several weeks now, it's begun to feel more like I HAVE to go and spend so many minutes each week there. I want to enjoy going to the gym again.

I'm not enjoying life right now and having just a little depression makes things so much worse. I need to relax, breath and find some enjoyment and try to break this cycle and get back to being myself.

(End Rant)

I did drop 1.2 lbs this week but still have 6.6 lbs to get back to my low of 217.2.

Also, I didn't write any of this to try and get some sympathy or pity. I just wanted to in some small way put down on (virtual) paper a little of how I'm feeling. Thank you.

Ken Heaston
Since 1970

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NIGHTSKYSTAR 9/7/2012 7:01PM

    Hi Ken. I'm with you. Feeling the same way....and no clue why. Wish you were closer...we could devise some great on plan recipes and have fun cooking them..and be workout buds!!
I have been awol from here. work work work. i have this week coming up thats really bad then i'm good to go and back on plan starting this monday to the extent i can be with the work schedule.
if you need to talk you know where i am. you have been there for me let me help you!!!
hugs
Holly

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CLPURNELL 9/5/2012 12:54PM

    Ken,

I am sorry. I know it is hard at times like this but man you have changed your life and you have inspired and helped others (ME) do the same. It is hard wrapping your mind around having a great year in some aspects (weight loss, what you have accomplished in school etc) and also having a terrible year as far as losing loved ones, being unemployed etc. You have dealt with it all with a grace and strength that you should be proud of. I remember right before I started this journey my sister said something that really clicked with me. She told me that I wasn't Jesus lol. I was trying to be perfect. I was trying to be everything to everybody and in that I was totally neglecting my own happiness. We aren't perfect bro. We fall down. We get dirty. The miracle is we have the ability to get back up through it all. You are living proof of that You have lost over 90 pounds. You did that with pure will and work ethic. You should be proud of that. You are raising a son. You should be proud of that. You are a great man Ken even if you don't feel like it right now. I am lucky to have a friend like you and I appreciate it a ton. I go through a mini vacation depression every time I come back. What I have learned from that is what is really important to me. What is important is living the day I am in to the fullest. Not climbing a corporate ladder not owning a bigger house. But to look back at memories I make with friends and family and relieve the good feelings from those moments. Above all else I seek peace within myself and within my home. Sometimes vacations give you a peek at that peace and that care free lifestyle and when you get back to all the drudgery of daily life it is easy to get depressed. Know if you need anything bro I am here.

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KAREN951 9/4/2012 9:01PM

    I'm sorry to hear you've been depressed and that you've had such a run of rotten things happening to you. Just know that you're not alone in that -it happens to all of us. I'm sort of in the same boat, struggling to get back on track after a number of setbacks, and it's not easy. At all. Sounds like you're on the right track though - analyzing the problem and thinking about ways to change up your routine so you can enjoy it more.
Hope things get better for you real soon!

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_BABE_ 9/3/2012 2:05PM

    Sometimes the "blows" we get from life can be relentless. One thing after another with no reprieve....you call it quicksand and I call it a downward spiral....or to put a Canadian spin on it....the snowball effect eh. You need to stop it in it's tracks or it will gain more ground and keep you down. Sit down and think about what you do have and be thankful...gratitude definitely will give you that springboard to start climbing back out of the hole of depression. I am not the only one here who thinks you are a terrific human being....if not only based on your kindness demonstrated on this site. emoticon

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MARYDSAN 9/3/2012 1:35AM

    It's good to share what you are feeling. Then others who feel that know that they are not alone. If we lived closer, we could try to cheer you up. Just remember no matter what is going on in your life, you are precious in His sight (Isa. 43:4).
Congratulations on beginning to right your ship!

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RIBKNIT 9/2/2012 8:59PM

    Thank you for sharing about being depressed. You are not alone; I've been pretty darn depressed for the last two or three weeks. I don't know about you, but I've been through this before and have always come out the other side.
Each of us deals differently with this stuff. I have no doubt you'll get through it in whatever ways work for you. I hope that putting it down in words has helped you a bit.
P.S. - I am not posting this out of sympathy or pity. I am posting it out of appreciation for the words you have written. They have offered me a chance to share too :)
Hang in there. You're strong.



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ME_FIRST 9/2/2012 3:42PM

    Sometimes writing down a rant and dissatisfaction is good for us. It's the cumulation of this and that can wear us down. You'll get through it. Sometimes I think of Carlie Simon's song "these are the good old days". Yikes!!! That's a hard one to believe, but OK. In hindsight, my younger years were the good old days. Too bad I didn't know it then. I'm sure in 20 years, I'll be thinking the same thing about 2012.

Anyway, you're looking great in your new cruise picture. I would be hard pressed to pick that picture as the same man in some of your others.

Hang in there and just do the best you can. Hope you have a good Labor Day. My plan is to do absolutely Nothing. Yvonne

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RORYLYONS 9/2/2012 2:19PM

    Sorry to hear that your Grandmother passed... emoticonon your weight loss...Don't be too hard on yoursel, we are here for you. Tomorrow is another day to start fresh.. emoticonHave a wonderful holiday!

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Wk 72 One Week Post Vacation (w/pics)

Saturday, August 25, 2012

I missed writing last week's blog because I was in Victoria, BC, Canada at the time, on my last full day of vacation. I've been home since the night of the 19th but only made it to the gym one day this week due to circumstances out of my control.

My father and I spent all week at the senior complex apartment where my grandmother lived. We packed and moved all of her stuff out, it's surprising how much stuff you can fit into a small apartment!

Except for my grandmother passing away while I was around 1,000 miles from home, the vacation was a good one. I'd never been to Alaska before and the scenery was both beautiful and majestic.

This is Ketchikan, looking towards downtown.



This is the ship we were on. 4 decks above the middle lifeboat is my brother and his girlfriend, the cabin to the right of them was my parent's and the one to the right of that was mine and my son's


Here's a picture of downtown Skagway, looking towards the mountains.


In Skagway my son and I went into the mountains and rode some zip lines.

This is my son 'trust falling' backwards from a zip line platform.


And me coming down a zip line.


The day before I left for vacation I weighed in at 217.2, exactly 100 lbs down from where I started. Of course that Saturday was a free day for me and I ate well. Unfortunately, the whole next week was full of free days as well!! But I knew that going in and I was planning on using the ships gym each day to stay on top of things. Well, I never actually made it to the gym, was always busy or worn out from being busy. But I can honestly say that I walked more that week than any other week since I got my driver's license in 1986! Even all of that walking didn't help me much though because I weighed myself on Monday morning of this week and I was at 230.0!!! I was up 12.8 lbs over the course of 9 days. LOL

I didn't eat that well this week and didn't get much gym time in but I was still able to drop 5 lbs. from Monday to today. However, I am still 7.8 lbs above my lowest point. But the weight will come off and I had a good time so I think it was worth it.

My son even got a picture of a black bear cub at the Mendenhall Glacier Park outside of Juneau.


I should have more pics soon. Pics that need to be scanned, pics that are on other people's cameras, etc. This is all you're getting for now :)

Ken Heaston
Since 1970

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ABETTERME41 9/12/2012 11:08AM

  Hi Ken. Beautiful pictures. I've always wanted to travel to Alaska. My dad and brother were in the Air Force and did duty there. I love seeing photos of other places. Thanks for sharing those. :)
I"m so sorry to read of your losing your grandmother.

Your son looks like a tall handsome young man! :)
I really enjoyed reading about your vacation and seeing the photos. Hope you're doing well. I'm very proud and awed about the sucesses you've made for yourself. Pat yourself on the back from me. *hugs* :)
Angel

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TEACHFIRST268 8/31/2012 4:36PM

    I'm sorry to read about your grandmother's passing.

Wow. Amazing photos. I would LOVE to take a trip to Alaska someday. I was also just having a conversation recently that I'd love to try a zip line. I'm afraid of heights, but life is about confronting our fears and overcoming obstacles! (o:


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CLPURNELL 8/28/2012 12:04PM

    Yeah vacations and being out of town can slow you down but man seems like you had an awesome trip!! The weight will come back off and you will be back at it in no time!!!

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MARYDSAN 8/26/2012 2:23AM

    Sounds like you had a good time! My dad, a friend, my (now 99 year old) aunt and I did that after my mom passed away-visited the same cities; only my dad and aunt did not get off the ship! The weight will come off again. It's not a trip anyone takes all the time-good you enjoyed yourself.

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LADYJ6942 8/25/2012 8:32PM

    Great pics, sorry to hear of your lose. The area is quite beautiful, and yes your weight will drop back down quickly. I chuckled at your comment regarding 1986 as that was the year I graduated high school, lol.

Any way good luck on your journey and grats on 100lbs lost!!!!

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Home From Vacation

Monday, August 20, 2012

I survived my vacation. The cruise itself was good, had a lot of fun, but was pretty wiped out by the end of it. Always seems like vacations take a lot out of you! But the whole week was not pleasant.

Found out Tuesday morning that my 91 year old grandmother had a massive stroke on Monday night. We then received word on Wednesday morning that she had passed away a couple of hours earlier. That really put a damper on the week. It sucks, but I know that she is not hurting anymore and that she and my grandfather are reunited again. It had been 8-1/2 months since his passing and she was really missing him.

Then we get home and the stupid garage door comes off the tracks and is now stuck halfway open. I hate garage doors.

My friend (and workout partner) and his daughter were house sitting for my parents with a few simple rules for the house and it seems they took advantage of it. He had his girlfriend over all week and his son was here most of the week as well. His son is an idiot (almost 17, has a 4 month old daughter, got married last month, etc.) and I really didn't want him here because I don't trust him. On top of that, the boy has tons of drama with his wife and her mother. Her mother actually came to the house to get her daughter because they were fighting. Brought that drama to my parents house. I've pretty much lost most of the respect and trust I had in my friend. As if that wasn't bad enough, the Dish Network remote control is nowhere to be found so you can't change the channel on the tv now (and they all claim to not have moved the remote from the coffee table, I guess it grew legs and walked away).

It's 11:30 here in central California now and my day started at 6:00 am in Seattle and I am tired, frustrated, sad and more than a little angry. AND I get to get up early to take my son to school because tomorrow is the first day of school.

I will post a better blog in the next couple of days, I just needed to get some things off of my chest tonight.

Ken Heaston
Since 1970

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GODSCHILD2_2011 8/24/2012 2:59PM

    Ken,

I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your beloved grandmother. My heart and prayer go out to you and your family

Boy, you have had a really trying week and the nerve of some people to take your trust and walk all over it. I agree with Chris, take all those emotions that you're feeling and release it in a more positive way. emoticon or emoticon

I truly hope that things get better for you soon. Just know that we the sparkies are always here for you to help in anyway possible.



emoticon

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_BABE_ 8/21/2012 5:07PM

    I would blame the garage door thing on them too!

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PENDULA 8/21/2012 2:33PM

    WOW almost enough to make you dread a vacation. So sorry that people abused your trust. That truly is miserable. Hopefully life will settle down for you now.

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PENDULA 8/21/2012 2:33PM

    WOW almost enough to make you dread a vacation. So sorry that people abused your trust. That truly sucks. Hopefully life will settle down for you now.

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PENDULA 8/21/2012 2:32PM

    WOW almost enough to make you dread a vacation. So sorry that people abused your trust. That truly sucks. Hopefully life will settle down for you now.

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MARYDSAN 8/21/2012 7:56AM

    I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. I know that she is now with your grandpa, but it still leaves a void for you. I will keep your family in prayer.

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AHTRAP 8/20/2012 8:36PM

    Crazy how we often need a vacation to recover from a vacation. And then to come home to bad news, and other aggravations, too?

My sympathies on the loss of your grandmother, Ken.

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CLPURNELL 8/20/2012 5:55PM

    Wow ken I am so sorry about the loss of your Grandmother and then having to come home to drama on top of that. I know from experience how frustrating that can be and I am sorry you have to do do that and didn't even get to really enjoy your vacation. Take some time out unwind and hit the gym and get some of that frustration out. I know it won't make everything better but I hope it will help a bit. I really wish I could help in some way. Just know I am thinking about you brother and I sincerely hope things get better fast!



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THEFABMZFIT 8/20/2012 5:54PM

    So sorry to about the passing of your grandma, but you're right, at least she's at peace and with your grandpa now. Wow, and all the drama! Who needs that crap! UGH! I can't blame you for your feelings, you have a right to feel the way you do!

Well, with everything that has happened I hope you still had a nice trip. I'm sure it felt good to write this all out and get it off your chest. Hang in there and have a GREAT week!

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RUSUNA 8/20/2012 2:12PM

    i hate when you find out you cant rely on even the people you trust the most, it hurts. stress is what you are trying to AVOID with a vaca, not add more. some peoples children.
and im sorry to hear about your grandma. such bad timing too. good for you for looking at the bright side.
i start back at school tomorrow as well, so i am feeling the strain of working and school as well now.
take a deep breath, go for a walk to release some of the negative energy, and slay one thing at a time.
emoticon

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GRANDEFILLE 8/20/2012 1:01PM

    woof! quite a lot to digest! Vent my friend it is only good to get things off your chest!

Have a good week! Hope your son like his teacher!

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NARNIAROSE2003 8/20/2012 12:10PM

    So sorry, hon, but good for you for venting. I'm learning to do that as well (did it today!) and it really helps me. Hope the drama llama is now under control. :) And so very sorry for the loss of your Grandmother... :( emoticon

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ALWYS-LKN-UP 8/20/2012 10:15AM

    Welcome home Ken!! Sorry to hear of all the drama that happened when you were gone & mostly to hear of the loss of your Grandmother - like you said, she's with your Grandpa now - holding hands :)

I'm happy that you had a nice time on your cruise, don't let anything take away those memories of time with your family. Also, MAJOR congrats on your goal of 100#'s lost prior to leaving - that is so amazing!!

And finally, emoticon, to welcome you back safely!!

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ME_FIRST 8/20/2012 7:38AM

    I'm sorry for the loss of your grandma. Reality after vaca really suck some times. Hope you have a good week.

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Wk 70 Weigh In - Leaving on a Jet Plane

Saturday, August 11, 2012

This week sucked, I was under a lot of stress and it surely affected me. A few weeks ago I had to go on welfare (with a 15 year old to feed and keep insured I was out of options). I know, I know, go get a job. Been trying that on and off for almost 4 years now. Where I live the unemployment rate is around 18% and with not having a degree, jobs are very limited. That's why I decided to go to school and get my degree, to open more doors for myself. It's funny, you can run a business for several years doing close to 1 million in sales (with around 10 employees) but without a degree, nobody will look at you. hmmmmph.

Anyway, so this week I had to start 'supervised job search' through the county and had to log 12 hours of looking for a job, plus since I'm going to be gone next week, I had to make up the 12 hours for next week this week. I also had to fill out the paperwork for my son's school because we get home the day before school starts and he has to have those papers in hand on the first day.

If all of that wasn't enough, I had the pressure to lose .6lb this week to hit my goal of 100 lbs. Normally that would be easy, but with all of the other pressures on me, nothing was coming easy. I couldn't get as much gym time as I wanted so I was stressed about that too! And with having lost all of this weight, just putting together clothes to wear on vacation that all fit was a pain in the butt. Doggone it, this week seemed to last about a month.

Lets just get to the numbers and get on with our lives.

Weight : 217.2
Lost : .6
Total : 100.0

I did it. I lost .6 lb and hit my goal of 100 lbs before vacation. I surely would have loved to drop 2 lbs but apparently it wasn't in the cards. So I'll take it. Like my son was taught in preschool "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit"

No witty quotes today, I'm just too tired and still pretty busy. See you all on the 12th or 13th. Have a great week!

Ken Heaston
Since 1970

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CLPURNELL 8/14/2012 3:25PM

    Ken,

Amazing Job man!!!! Listen I understand the financial issues/school and raising a kid. I have been there and done that myself and even when a degree and a "good" job it gets shaky sometimes! You are doing an awesome job and I hope you truly enjoy your cruise man. You deserve a vacation soooo much. Hope you have a great one!!!!

Chris

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RUSUNA 8/14/2012 2:40PM

    emoticon
good job man!!!!!!!! go enjoy your vacation. everything will fall into place. chin up, and go get some R&R.

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PENDULA 8/13/2012 5:00PM

    Keep in mind every challenge is an opportunity to learn a skill to move us on past the next obstacle. The universe offers us new opportunities to learn new things. The question is always do we see the opportunity or do we give up. You seem to be seeing an opportunity here. Meeting the challenge head on. You never know where this adventure is going to take you, Also don't feel bad about the lack of employment availability. I think we have all been there. Right now in my town the only people getting hired are people with no work experience or people with professional degrees and nothing in between. It seems to be that way everywhere. Not jjust you. Keep up the good fight!!!

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NARNIAROSE2003 8/12/2012 5:00PM

    That's great! And don't feel bad about the whole welfare thing... that's how I BECAME a social worker. Long story, but it's true! Had to go on welfare in 1991 when I lost my job and my (then) husband wasn't working (which was the norm for him). I went to apply for assistance since we had NO INCOME and two little boys. They said, "You have a degree, you should apply for a job here." So I did. Twenty-one years later, I work for the State and Federal Government training social workers and assuring quality practice across the state. Keep doing all you can to get that degree and hang in there. Great things are going to happen! emoticon

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MARYDSAN 8/12/2012 6:44AM

    Way to go-way to end a crummy week! Have fun on your vacation-will start praying that you find a job-it's hard. My son was out of work for the better part of 2 years. Did BGreer ever find a job? He had asked for prayer, but haven't heard recently.
Hope next week is a better one.

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MARYDSAN 8/12/2012 6:44AM

    Way to go-way to end a crummy week! Have fun on your vacation-will start praying that you find a job-it's hard. My son was out of work for the better part of 2 years. Did BGreer ever find a job? He had asked for prayer, but haven't heard recently.
Hope next week is a better one.

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MARYDSAN 8/12/2012 6:44AM

    Way to go-way to end a crummy week! Have fun on your vacation-will start praying that you find a job-it's hard. My son was out of work for the better part of 2 years. Did BGreer ever find a job? He had asked for prayer, but haven't heard recently.
Hope next week is a better one.

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BLUE42DOWN 8/11/2012 11:01PM

    emoticon on meeting your goal and hitting the 100 pounds down mark! Even bigger congrats since you managed it during a tough week!

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_BABE_ 8/11/2012 6:38PM

    It has been tough but you have just putting your ducks in a row so to speak. Getting the degree...bravo and getting in shape cause we all know that comes into play as well with a prospective employer. You know it's all going to be worth it in the end...I am so happy for you...you deserve it.

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Wk 69 weigh In - moving forward

Saturday, August 04, 2012

This was a rough week for me. You see, last week brought a 3.8 lb loss, but I did a bit of "cheating" to achieve that number. I had weighed myself that morning and saw a 2.2 lb loss, that was good, but I wanted to be more ahead schedule than that. So, without taking in any water, I headed to the gym and spent 40 minutes on the stair master. I came home and re-weighed and got the 3.8 lb loss. It was a bit of sneaky dehydration work that did the trick for me. BUT, after getting a lot of water that day and having a huge free day lunch and a larger dinner than I really needed I saw my shenanigans being repaid to me the next day. When I got on the scale on Sunday morning to see what my free day damage was I was shocked. It said 228.4, 9.2 lbs heavier than the day before.

So all this week I have really killing myself to shed that extra weight (mostly water of course, but I just couldn't get it to come off). On Thursday I was still almost 2 lbs above my Saturday weight :( But still I continued to fight at the gym, eat pretty good and drink lots of water.

Which leads me to today. I was just hoping that I would be down a little, to see at least some positive movement and not be totally undone by my childish trickery of the previous weigh in day. So without further adieu, the numbers:

Weight : 217.8
Lost : 1.4
Total : 99.4

I was amazed to see that I lost 1.4 lbs. Holy smokes! I was just hoping to drop .4 or .6 so I am pretty darn happy with what I got. But you can bet I won't be playing any more dehydration games. This week was too much work and too stressful on me!

I'm done writing, I need to go relax a bit and plan my week of school work. I'm trying to finish a 4 unit class (Global Economics) before I go on vacation next week and I've done 3 papers with just one more left (yay). Already finished the 6 unit class (Quantitative Analysis and Business Applications) so before I leave I will have 10 units completed in 10 weeks! I am going to enjoy taking a week off and getting out of here!!!

"If you're gonna be dumb, you better be tough" - I don't know who said it first!

Ken Heaston
Since 1970

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARYDSAN 8/8/2012 10:34PM

    Wow! You amaze me! Sorry so long to reply-limited internet. Congratulations on the loss!

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CLPURNELL 8/7/2012 6:47PM

    Awesome Job Ken!!! You worked your tail off literally for those losses. Really proud of you bro!!! You will definitely hit your goal!!!

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ELLEJAY68 8/7/2012 12:39AM

    Almost 100, wow!! keep up the hard work Ken!!

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PENDULA 8/6/2012 4:41PM

    I never fail to be impressed with your hard work, determination, and the accomplishments you earn by them. You just keep rockin it out man. I will keep reading and being inspired.

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RUSUNA 8/5/2012 6:29PM

    keep up the hard work, school is suuuuch a drag sometimes. you got this!

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NARNIAROSE2003 8/5/2012 5:09PM

    You are doing so well! I'm really struggling, so it makes me happy and inspired to see you doing so well. Have a great week, my friend.

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ALWYS-LKN-UP 8/4/2012 11:27PM

    Well done as always Ken!! Also, congrats on all the progress with school - you are a busy, busy man! 1 week & then VACATION (as if you didn't already know that :)

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MCLINORAMA 8/4/2012 9:41PM

    I love your blog :-) I think we've all done a little bit of cheating from time to time ;-) But you are also too smart for yourself and pretty much knew what would happen. Keep up the good work and your amazing integrity; it takes a lot to be honest with yourself and others.

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ME_FIRST 8/4/2012 7:29PM

    Well, you had a darn good loss this week even with your water shenanigans. Plus all the academics too. You have a lot to be proud of. Keep pushing and you'll reach your wight loss and academic goals in time to have a wonderful and well deserved vacation.

Watch the salt, drink your water, exercise and write your last papers and you'll be floating in the clouds next week. Kudos to you!!

emoticon emoticon Yvonne

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NIGHTSKYSTAR 8/4/2012 6:01PM

    wooo hooo almost 100!!! YOU ROCK my friend!! sorry i've been absent. its been a rough summer. 2 more weeks and i will be back on it...

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ALYSSA40 8/4/2012 5:56PM

    This is an awesome blog. It just goes to show that we can't trick our bodies huh! Honesty is great- sharing the information says you're a good man with integrity. Thank you and keep doing a great job!

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