Monday, January 09, 2012
My current weight is 201.8. When I started in August, I was at 250lbs and I didn't think I would make it this far. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. I have been trying to be a stronger person, but I still question my ability to stick with important things. My first goal is to lose 50 pounds before my wedding this October. I was worried I wouldn't be able to reach it. Now I am less than 2 pounds away to having 50 lbs be off of me. I am starting to get really excited because of BBORDEN86's Page. She wants to get to 199, and I am really excited for her. I am getting really excited for me too now because I am so close!
When I first started on Sparkpeople, I had the ticker show Pounds lost instead of my actual weight because I was embarrassed. I didn't think anyone on here would make fun of me, but I was upset with myself for letting my weight get so high. I keep wondering WHY and HOW I could let myself get like that. I was so focused on the other aspects of my life. Actually, I think I was more focused on making everyone else happy. I let myself go because I just didn't care. I felt fat, felt bad about myself, and just didn't do anything about it. I tried weight watchers and lost 40 pounds. I felt so happy to see 208 on the scale at that time. I felt great about myself for sticking to their points program for 6 months, but then I started slipping. I had one snack, and then ate worse and worse for no reason. I didn't want to pay $14 a week anymore for a weigh in. I hated figuring out the points for the food, and I hated the meetings at the mall. I just gave up on myself. Although I wish I didn't give up, I am kind of glad. I look back now and see how easy it is just to give in. I won't this time- at least I really hope I won't! I know how easy it is to slip... it is too easy.
I am proud of myself for doing so much since August. My goal reward for losing 50 lbs is to get my hair dyed. I decided to give myself this early because I barely ever give myself anything. I didn't give myself the 35 lb lost reward yet. I didn't give myself the 40 lb lost reward yet. AND I didn't give myself the 45 lb lost reward yet. Instead of rewarding myself, I bought other people presents and put them first. I think I will always be this way just because it is how I think. Anyways, I really wanted my hair cut to chop off the dead ends & I wanted it dyed to finally make it all one color. Although I still have two pounds to lose, I decided to go for it and get it done. I am glad I did, because I love the look! I took some pictures of myself the other night. Once I get the time to put them into my home computer, I will post some of the weight loss pictures on here.
Before: Dead ends yuck.
After: Brown & layers yay!
So what is next? I will hit 50 lbs lost and then what? I will not give up! Once I actually get under 200 lbs, my next goal is to get to 185 lbs. Then I will be considered overweight from the BMI instead of being Obese. I really hope I will be healed up soon from the stupid gallbladder removal. I am GOING to go to the gym and/or workout once I am better. From there, I want to get to 155 to be on the high end of the "healthy weight" for my height. I actually don't really know how I will feel once I lose that much weight. I don't know if I will care as much about the BMI. I know I won't give up, but I may not be as hard on myself. No matter what I do, I won't give up on MYSELF. People come and go, but I am always around.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
At work yesterday, I was on the phone with my Mom helping her troubleshoot some computer problem. About an hour after the call, I wanted to eat the last snack I brought with me. I couldn't find it anywhere on my desk. I thought maybe it fell on the floor. Well, my co-worker said he saw me eat it while I was talking to my Mom. I checked my trash can and the empty wrapper was in there! Aw man, I don't even remember eating it! I kind of do, but not really haha. I guess it is a mental thing for me that I feel more satisfied after I eat if I watch what I am doing!
On another note, it is Wednesday already! and I am definitely going to make sure I watch myself eat today so I don't get extra hungry at the end of the day! hahaha.
Monday, January 02, 2012
Yesterday I woke up feeling awful! My stomach eventually calmed down last night, but my fever went up to 101.5. Ick. I am feeling a bit better today, but I am so tired & sore. I am glad I had the day off today! Work tomorrow is definitely going to be hard! My belly button still isn't healing right, so I may have to call the surgeon again this week. Yuck.
There is so much I want to do, but I still have to wait until I am healed. Mentally I just want to jump around, exercise, and do everything I used to. But when I have to bend over or want to roll over, it still hurts & reminds me that I can't do it all yet.
On a positive note, I am starting to get motivated to do wedding planning again, so I am excited about that! I like saying I am getting married THIS year =) when we got engaged it was in 2010! That seems like a loooooong time ago!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
So I have been putting off going to the gym and working out at home. I just didn't have the motivation to do it more often. I always had some reason to not go. Most of the "reasons" were actually excuses though. I admit that!! No gym partner, rain, too tired, etc. Now that I have been on my butt for most of my time from this recovery, I decided I am going to make myself exercise once I am better! I DO have free time, I just need to schedule some workout time! I just NEED to do it, and I will do it when I am able to again!
I randomly started tracking one day in August and just stuck with it. I made up my mind and just did it!!! Why can't I just workout?? I do understand WHY I put it off. I can track all my food at once, do one at a time, and even track the day before or after if I want to. I can't pre-workout for tomorrow! I can do a few at-home exercises at a time, but that still doesn't count for the cardio part. I just need to make myself do it. It will help, and I do want all the help I can get!
This long healing process has really opened my eyes to what I should have been doing. I wasted all of that time! There was nice weather a couple months ago, and I had the capability of going out more often. Once I am able to workout again, I am GOING to take it slow and start getting my exercise in. Eventually once I am 100%, my New Years Resolution is to work out at home or at the gym at least twice a week. I don't even want this as a New Years Resolution, but it is what I am going to label it as. I want it more as a personal change to myself!
For some reason, it seems like most people I talk to about my diet do not understand small personal goals. They don't understand why I don't eat ____ or why I eat _____. I guess a lot of people don't have to worry about food or just don't care to worry, so they don't get it! They also don't understand why I have goals set for myself. It is just how I work. If I have something to look forward to, it really helps me out. Even looking back and seeing how much I have done makes me feel better. This is why I want to work out more. Not just because it will be healthier for me, but so I can look back and not feel the way I do now! I don't want to have to look back and be upset with myself. I just want to keep moving forward & be satisfied with myself!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I upgraded my phone in October and sent out my mail in rebate. I was originally told it was supposed to be in by 11/18. It never came so I called a few times and they said they resent it out 11/28. I just called 12/20 and they said it was mailed out 11/29 so to check and it should be in my mailbox by 12/23. It still didn't come so I called again today and was told it was mailed out again on 12/20 when I called in. So now I should have it by 1/10. This is getting pretty ridiculous. I said all I want is the card applied to my bill. You have to use it for verizon, so I just want it added to my bill. This is getting pretty insane with all of the people I have talked to. I have all of the names and dates, but it still doesn't matter. I just get tired of having to wait all of the time for stuff like this.
My belly button is still weeping, and the Dr told me to wait another week. He said if it still doesn't seal up by New Years I will have to go back and he said he has to cut the suture out from underneath of it?? I didn't think there were even sutures in there. Ugh. I just want to be better again so I can roll on my side, go for longer walks, and bend over without having pain. I still can't wear regular pants because they ride up too much. grrr.
My fiance asked me if I wanted to go with him & our roommate to Boston for a game convention. I feel like they are only asking me so I don't feel left out. It is over Easter weekend this year. That part doesn't bother me, but it is so far away. If it was closer, I would just go for one day to see how it was. I don't know if I want to wait in lines the whole weekend. I like games, but I don't know them too much. Plus I think I will be like a 3rd wheel there with the two guys. They love that stuff a lot more than I do. I don't know what to do. They just told me last night and said I have to decide by today.
I know this stuff isn't awful, but it just is some of what is going on. I feel torn most of the time. I just want to be myself again and it isn't happening.
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