Saturday, May 18, 2013
Same position, only BIGGER. My husband is gone, boyfriend is gone. Sad and lonely and eating all the time. Self loathing, depressed, stuck and in denial. Losing all hope. Can't look at myself in the mirror, don't want people to see me or look at me. Feel disfigured and disgusting, feel completely ugly and unlovable. Not sure why God keeps me here, if nothing more but to feel this way and to feel enormous pain and rejection inside. Food is the only thing that makes me feel good until I am done with it and go back to hating myself.
I need help, probably professional and what is NUTS is I work in Psychiatry!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Six months have gone by and I am back in my Hometown. After 6 months in sunny paradise, I returned home to SNOW! I spent three months looking and praying for the perfect job and then 3 months working the perfect job and one day....bam - it's all gone! In the first 2 weeks of the new year I had lost my job, my waterfront condo, my place in paradise and worst of all my marriage. Well, I didn't actually lose my marriage...but let's just say I am not entirely sure where it is...!
My Husband of 15 years decided I was a financial burden and set back to his existence and that he was not entirely sure he wished to be by my side for richer or for poorer. I could not feel more unwanted, rejected and failed as I do now. I know that I must try to pick myself up and move forward with my life and start by getting a new job. I will most likely always have fear and distrust about keeping a job since there are no guarantees in life or work. How do people these days go forth and invest in homes for 30 years and never think that one day, maybe even tomorrow, there could be let go and not have a paycheck? It is a very scary thing. I guess that is what the spouse is for...when one is down the other one covers for them until they are up. I suppose my husband is tired of me being "down". I can't say I totally blame him really. I have over the last few years been unreliable in the employment department but I am working on myself everyday to get over what I think blocks me from being the kind of employee that people keep for years and years. I always have the best intentions, I simply must learn how to keep my emotions to myself and not always let them show on my face or my attitude.
So living on my own for 6 months did NOT ONE THING for my size or weight. I initially stocked my new fridge with healthy, whole and low calorie foods. I began to count calories again and log my foods on various websites and journals. I was swimming every day and when it was not to hot, tried to walk. Slowly, as I continued to look for work, my small unemployment check was gone and I could not longer spend the money several times a week for fresh foods. I began to have to stock up on high calorie and high fat foods because they were cheaper and would keep me fuller longer. The job search resulted in 7 interviews over 2 months time and no job offers. I started getting depressed and hopeless, I began to crave and require sugar and chocolate. Every night I would be out at midnight looking for candy to make me feel better and allow me to sleep. I stopped moving, swimming, walking because the depression made me so tired all the time, I did not even want to leave the house most days.
I finally got a job and I felt like suddenly I was worthy to live and breathe the same air as everyone else was. I began packing healthy lunches and was out at work all day so I was not able to sit around anymore. I felt great, I felt proud and for once in a long time I felt HAPPY!
I moved to a dream condo on the harbor and beach with a fabulous view. Pool and jacuzzi on the roof top over looking the water. I found my place in paradise. 3 months later I was packing my bags, donating my second hand furniture and clothing---what I was taking was whatever would fit into my car. 2 weeks after my dismissal, I was driving home to CT where I am now living with my parents. I don't know where my marriage stands, my Husband is unsure if he wants to continue into the future with me and I am in limbo. This house is not much better in the way of treats, snacks and binge foods - so I have no idea what I am going to do. Self control is not an option.
I need my own space and my own life. I need to be the one who decides what foods come into my kitchen and go onto my table everyday. I need to be in a SAFE ZONE that I create that just does not have the supplies on hand that are so easy for me to destroy myself with.
I know where the blame is---I have an addiction and I have moved to crack house to crack house (so to speak) because every where I live is full of my drugs. How can I be expected to live in misery with my drugs of choice and NOT use them. There has to be more to life than this....there was once for a short time....I am fearful I may never find it again.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
I just re-read all my blogs from the begining and realized a huge trend...I would get on here and talk about how I was going to start my life anew and get back on track and blog the next day about how I failed. 8 days and I will head south and I will no longer have this person to blame. I may have others to blame but I have shared my concerns and think I will have support.
I have to do this. I have trouble breathing now, I can feel my hear pounding even when I am not doing anything, my stomach is unpredictable and hurts every day from vitamin deficiency and lack of muscle and movement. I am so unhappy here, all I can do is think about leaving but I am torn about leaving my family behind. I have to look at this like rehab...but now I am not sure how much time I will be given to achieve my goals. I need to hit this hard core.
I am becoming a statistic. 90-95% of people who lose weight gain it back....I am working on it everyday here. It needs to STOP!!!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Well, here I am again...taking another shot at recovery from food addiction. I wish I could afford to go to a REAL treatment center...but in 33 days I will leave the toxicity of my present environment here in the north - - -to begin recovery on my own terms, down south. I am scared and I know I will be lonely with everyone from family to friends being up here...but I need to put myself back on the list. I was only there for a short time, but it was then that I had the best sucess with my addiction, health and weight. I fell into a trap that I am half responsible for. I gave my "sobriety" over to someone sicker than I, and I am resentful for it. But I have to just pick myself up right now - today and detox off my addictive substances once again. I know now how bad my sugar/carb addiction has been in the last 10 months (progressively) because of how fast the withdrawl came. It was about 12 hours before the crippling headache came without much relief even from the trusty Excederin Tension that has rescued me so many times before. I would like to get the running start on detox here in CT while I am still with my Husband and family..so that they can help me get through. I can not let an enabler suck me back into this sickness that I spent 3-4 years battling now. I have gained weight with the help of this person and I have lost muscle, strength, stamina and self esteem that I worked so hard to attain. But the one thing I have not yet lost is HOPE! I have hope that I can get back there again, but I know that I need to be removed from this environment. If there is one thing I learned it is I am not strong enough to be under the same roof with my addiction foods. I walked into this place thinking I could handle it as I had done for 3 years prior to arriving...I am humbled today - right now that I was weak and ill prepared and I was in no way or shape ready to handle the temptations that lay before me each and every single day. I have learned I need to stay away from these foods at all costs, my life depends on it. I began to slowly kill myself once again, day by day...I have made every single excuse possible and I have blamed others and myself for all that has happened these last 10 months.
None of that matters, I need to reclaim my life, my health, my spirit and my program! Learn from this and move on, forward...I know what is good for me and what is not. I know the person I am and the person I want to be. It doesnt matter who wishes to judge me without truly taking the time to get to know me -- I know who I am inside and that is ALL that matters to me today. I hope to stay on this journey again...I struggle with the committment...but I dont want to be sick anymore or ashamed of myself....the feeling of utter disgust and shame when I am with my Husband and I know he sees the weight I have gained, sees the loss of muscle tone...I am mortified at the extra fat that has accumulated in my whole body. I am ashamed that my family that praised me for losing the weight and keeping it off have now gone back to not bringing it up or talking about it.
I want to be done with this now...I was lost but now I am FOUND!
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