Thursday, August 07, 2014
I have gained three pounds after doing very well on tracking and doing normal moving (I don't call that exercise just not sitting around).
Frustrating not to see fab result when you know you have been doing it right. But I know what this is water and salt. I've been drinking more and Salsa and pickles have great taste for low calories 'cuz that sodium tastes great.
As long as my blood pressure is normal, I'm not changing a thing. I've not been feeling super hungry so whatever I'm doing it working well enough.
Also going to change the batteries in my scale to make sure it is doing a good job.
I use to daily take fiber pills, that keep me full, lowered bad cholesterol and keep the water et al moving through - so when I can next afford those, will add it to the plan.
P.S. Have you been keeping up with the news on Ebola? Unlikely that is will effect the US, but some thoughts. Most of our chocolate comes from Africa - the virus would not spread via a food source like this, but looking like border restrictions might start happening. This would make it hard to have products shipped. So buying products that you use (I do use dark chocolate) now might be a good idea. Also just another good reminder to have some basic stocks back (brown rice, peanut butter, tuna, dried fruit, vitamin C rich drink mix, tea or coffee, vinegar (cooking and sanitation) and don't forget WATER. I always have back stores, but with our tight budget my long term storage is probably just a month. This is true weather you are in Hawaii facing a current storm, waves of viruses, winter storms. This is the best time of year to get a huge bag of vegetables like carrots or onions and dry them for use over the winter. Which reminds me I should visit the u-pick farm and freeze, dry for the winter next week.
Monday, August 04, 2014
I'm so filled with anger over the life I've been stuck with. And I can see the writing on the wall for the future. It will be me taking care of my mother and aunt during old age...basically the next 10-15 years. I'm already involved with helping both my mother and my mother in law. My husband is nearing 60 and it just hit my brain that we have been extremely luck to this point on his health.
I have so many things that need to get done. My house constantly gets ahead of me. I have good days where I go at it and then end up either jumping into taking care of one of the mothers or completely in bed. Technology is driving me crazy, I just can't keep up with phone messages, email this and other sites. People expect you to have all this managed yet I find when I start to work on it it takes hours and hours. My hands hate that much time at the keyboard and my left middle finger is consistently starting to bend outward. Yuck.
Then for some reason my whole body is growing super ugly. Oh yea age, but the rate really bumped up this last year. I'm getting keratosis al over my body - scaly hard brown spots. My hair is now all gray coming in. My face is discolored, puffy, and the skin is not smooth like it use to be. I never have a day where I wake up feeling rested. Today it a good example I slept 12 hours and I feel like going back to bed again. This isn't just a "I feel kinda tired" it is a drastic I can't think and keep my eyes open tired.
Then of course there is the whole shock of still being way overweight. I've been on this battle how long now? Honestly if I hadn't been I would be over 300 by now I know. As I use to drown this sort of mood in sugar. Doesn't exist in my house any more so not even an option. Seriously, I know exercising more it the key to getting this in control. I fight with finding a balance between enough to burn calories and not getting so inflamed that I just end up in bed for days. Obviously I haven't been able to win this. My effort have improved my strength level from last years, but I was so disgusted with myself looking in the mirror this morning. I did have one great day going to the beach and spending all day in the water swimming. But then the next day my body looked like someone had beaten me - bruises everywhere. I'm still healing from this.
So quite frankly I feel lost.
1) even if a lose the weigh I don't get to be pretty again, all that has faded in aging.
2) even if I get in shape, all my future time is going to be spent taking care of sick and dying people (that are doing a great job of unloading their private grief and negativity on mye for my birthday their made a card for me that pasted my face on a workout trim 20 year old body - nice slap in the face after all I have done for them this last year)
3) even if I put a huge effort into getting my house totally in order, I have a husband that just takes over clean rooms in the matter of days and makes them months of work for me.
4) even if I eat perfectly I may never get to a good weight. I did an experiment recently of eating under 1000 calories for two weeks - pounds lost ONE. That was it. I know I know you have to eat more to lose....well for my body that is pure BS. If I eat over 1200 I gain and quickly. So there is this magic range of 1000-1150 where I can keep at it and lost, but it is so slowly that it would take me over four years at this range to reach a reasonable weight.
So what is my motivation to go forward? to be beautiful., nope. To have a body to take me to exciting world adventures (can't hardly to the park anymore), nope. To catch my husband's eye (WARNING too much personal info) my retrocele mess repair has broken so, a definite, nope. So I can have people into my house and entertain or go out and be a wonderful philanthropic citizen (don't have money or time), nope
So I can be grateful that in the past I was beautiful. I can be grateful that I did travel when I did and saw many countries with a young and healthy body. I can be grateful that I have a loving supportive husband that takes me just as I am. I can be grateful that early in life I was a social butterfly and did do a life time of charitable acts.
I may hate the refection in the mirror today. I need to be honest about this. I really really hate my life right now. I have wanted so much to get a job, but with my body's inflammation I just can't imagine a job that will work with me that much. I never loved housework and that is the one duty I now get to have pride in. My main socialization is with those in their 80's. (thanks you too my one friend that has been so true and has keep my mind having younger thoughts).
But this I know to be true. Those drugs will not forever be as expensive that got be moving before. There will be competition amongst the manufactures to make other things. So I need to keep my head straight in this game. Four years that drug could be out for me and if I keep on this path I could start moving with a better body.
In the meantime, I have made an appointment with a doctor to do a yearly renewal for my thyroid med. Quite frankly I'm going to beg beg beg that he overdose me on thyroid meds. I would rather fall over from a heart attack than continuing feeling like I can't be awake enough to move. On that note, going back to bed. lol
Saturday, February 01, 2014
Day 2: Sore lymph nodes swollen but still tried. Tracked food, 12-min seated core workout, took Cole-dog for claw clipping, got part of my car fixed. Wanted to lay in bed but didnt, two fainting episodes, doubled water intake.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Symbols can seem so silly. I remember the first time I looked and Sparkgoodies and it was like - say what?! But today I got a tiara Sparkgoodie and it brought back all the sensations of being the woman that daily did stairs, mile walks and reached a weigh where even if not skinny, I was proud of my picture.
So I started again today. I cleared off my old streak counter. I logged food, did a really easy starter bit of exercise (Nicole's seated 12-minute core workout), I blogged for the second day in a row - I also started working on clearing out my over 8,000 email inbox that has piled up since the road trip, holidays and illness.
So does this mean I feel well? Nope, I don't but I realize I need to start being mindful again. My body is super unconditioned. I'm at 211 pounds. That is down from the 236 soar that happened after my father's death (yea with retrospect so much easier to see that as emotional eating and tons of fast food as I was trying to manage so much) - yet my body is nothing like it was before my father's passing.
So I'm going to try to do a daily dig out of this hole. 10 minutes a day of each tracking, exercise and a personal goal...and increase as I can by 5 minutes. How long will it take to get to an 8 hour day? I don't know, but I do know I need to be doing more.
February 1 in the 1 year anniversary of my dad's passing. In so many ways, I was the widow this year. Because my mother was in the hospital with a broken hip when he died, it was me that did all the typical things a widow might do - burial and funeral arrangements, talking to friends and relatives, tax and accounting clean up - now that is truly wrapped up. I've had a strange feeling all year that my father has been pulling on me, not wanting to be alone. I've had nightmares about his final week. I've projected that on myself.
Today I put on my tiara and started acting like a person expecting a day that she will be feeling well again.
Day 1: Tracked food, weighed in, did 10 minutes of exercise, and cleared my 8000+ in box to 5,710.
Get An Email Alert Each Time KGWINDER Posts