KGWINDER   34,508
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KGWINDER's Recent Blog Entries

Not going to let this block me

Thursday, August 07, 2014

I have gained three pounds after doing very well on tracking and doing normal moving (I don't call that exercise just not sitting around).

Frustrating not to see fab result when you know you have been doing it right. But I know what this is water and salt. I've been drinking more and Salsa and pickles have great taste for low calories 'cuz that sodium tastes great.

As long as my blood pressure is normal, I'm not changing a thing. I've not been feeling super hungry so whatever I'm doing it working well enough.

Also going to change the batteries in my scale to make sure it is doing a good job.

I use to daily take fiber pills, that keep me full, lowered bad cholesterol and keep the water et al moving through - so when I can next afford those, will add it to the plan.

P.S. Have you been keeping up with the news on Ebola? Unlikely that is will effect the US, but some thoughts. Most of our chocolate comes from Africa - the virus would not spread via a food source like this, but looking like border restrictions might start happening. This would make it hard to have products shipped. So buying products that you use (I do use dark chocolate) now might be a good idea. Also just another good reminder to have some basic stocks back (brown rice, peanut butter, tuna, dried fruit, vitamin C rich drink mix, tea or coffee, vinegar (cooking and sanitation) and don't forget WATER. I always have back stores, but with our tight budget my long term storage is probably just a month. This is true weather you are in Hawaii facing a current storm, waves of viruses, winter storms. This is the best time of year to get a huge bag of vegetables like carrots or onions and dry them for use over the winter. Which reminds me I should visit the u-pick farm and freeze, dry for the winter next week.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARBGEO 8/13/2014 9:59PM

    Very good tips! Thanks K!

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ZIGGY122 8/8/2014 12:44PM

    Thanks for the tips...need to restock also for the winter

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SAL1512 8/8/2014 12:46AM

    Very good food tips. I always keep extra on hand. It comes from growing up on a farm, eating seasonally and then trying to keep food until the next season. We depended upon ourselves. You never knew what mother nature was going to deal you.
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Sally

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setting a direction

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Things I did today right:
-read through voters pamphlet, voted and got it turned in
-ate a good start breakfast
-logged my food at the start of the day and I still have more I can eat (need to eat)
-set an appointment for my dog to get vaccine updates and renewed his license
-got some banana - yea fresh fruit
-solved logging onto my GoodtoGo road pass
-sat down with husband and drafted a goal/task priority list

Things I could have improved:
-no exercise due to stiff hands and knee - need to ask doc about how to improve
-only got two hours of sleep - what can I say greater activity means ouch non sleep
-I really need to splurge for some hair dye, gray hair is really bringing me down
-yelled at my husband all day - even if he was being disrespectful to me I need to figure out how not to lower myself to bad communication styles

Goals for tomorrow -
-get up early take long warm shower and try to do some exercise
-take my MIL to doctor and pack a sandwich and water so can eat healthy
-take nap when get home and start to work on new task list.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAL1512 8/7/2014 1:23AM

    I need to do more of what you did in this blog. It is so easy to feel like I am not making any forward motion at all.
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Sally

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I hate myself, but I won't always

Monday, August 04, 2014

I'm so filled with anger over the life I've been stuck with. And I can see the writing on the wall for the future. It will be me taking care of my mother and aunt during old age...basically the next 10-15 years. I'm already involved with helping both my mother and my mother in law. My husband is nearing 60 and it just hit my brain that we have been extremely luck to this point on his health.

I have so many things that need to get done. My house constantly gets ahead of me. I have good days where I go at it and then end up either jumping into taking care of one of the mothers or completely in bed. Technology is driving me crazy, I just can't keep up with phone messages, email this and other sites. People expect you to have all this managed yet I find when I start to work on it it takes hours and hours. My hands hate that much time at the keyboard and my left middle finger is consistently starting to bend outward. Yuck.

Then for some reason my whole body is growing super ugly. Oh yea age, but the rate really bumped up this last year. I'm getting keratosis al over my body - scaly hard brown spots. My hair is now all gray coming in. My face is discolored, puffy, and the skin is not smooth like it use to be. I never have a day where I wake up feeling rested. Today it a good example I slept 12 hours and I feel like going back to bed again. This isn't just a "I feel kinda tired" it is a drastic I can't think and keep my eyes open tired.

Then of course there is the whole shock of still being way overweight. I've been on this battle how long now? Honestly if I hadn't been I would be over 300 by now I know. As I use to drown this sort of mood in sugar. Doesn't exist in my house any more so not even an option. Seriously, I know exercising more it the key to getting this in control. I fight with finding a balance between enough to burn calories and not getting so inflamed that I just end up in bed for days. Obviously I haven't been able to win this. My effort have improved my strength level from last years, but I was so disgusted with myself looking in the mirror this morning. I did have one great day going to the beach and spending all day in the water swimming. But then the next day my body looked like someone had beaten me - bruises everywhere. I'm still healing from this.

So quite frankly I feel lost.

1) even if a lose the weigh I don't get to be pretty again, all that has faded in aging.
2) even if I get in shape, all my future time is going to be spent taking care of sick and dying people (that are doing a great job of unloading their private grief and negativity on mye for my birthday their made a card for me that pasted my face on a workout trim 20 year old body - nice slap in the face after all I have done for them this last year)
3) even if I put a huge effort into getting my house totally in order, I have a husband that just takes over clean rooms in the matter of days and makes them months of work for me.
4) even if I eat perfectly I may never get to a good weight. I did an experiment recently of eating under 1000 calories for two weeks - pounds lost ONE. That was it. I know I know you have to eat more to lose....well for my body that is pure BS. If I eat over 1200 I gain and quickly. So there is this magic range of 1000-1150 where I can keep at it and lost, but it is so slowly that it would take me over four years at this range to reach a reasonable weight.

So what is my motivation to go forward? to be beautiful., nope. To have a body to take me to exciting world adventures (can't hardly to the park anymore), nope. To catch my husband's eye (WARNING too much personal info) my retrocele mess repair has broken so, a definite, nope. So I can have people into my house and entertain or go out and be a wonderful philanthropic citizen (don't have money or time), nope

So I can be grateful that in the past I was beautiful. I can be grateful that I did travel when I did and saw many countries with a young and healthy body. I can be grateful that I have a loving supportive husband that takes me just as I am. I can be grateful that early in life I was a social butterfly and did do a life time of charitable acts.

I may hate the refection in the mirror today. I need to be honest about this. I really really hate my life right now. I have wanted so much to get a job, but with my body's inflammation I just can't imagine a job that will work with me that much. I never loved housework and that is the one duty I now get to have pride in. My main socialization is with those in their 80's. (thanks you too my one friend that has been so true and has keep my mind having younger thoughts).


But this I know to be true. Those drugs will not forever be as expensive that got be moving before. There will be competition amongst the manufactures to make other things. So I need to keep my head straight in this game. Four years that drug could be out for me and if I keep on this path I could start moving with a better body.

In the meantime, I have made an appointment with a doctor to do a yearly renewal for my thyroid med. Quite frankly I'm going to beg beg beg that he overdose me on thyroid meds. I would rather fall over from a heart attack than continuing feeling like I can't be awake enough to move. On that note, going back to bed. lol

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARBGEO 8/20/2014 10:36AM

    Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry for your pain, but so GRATEFUL FOR YOUR COURAGE TO ADMIT IT.

I won't give you pep talk or platitudes... I am going to tell you this though--YOU NEED A SUPPORT GROUP. One that understands your brain stuff -- even if it is just that they understand the 'stuff' and not all the details. I can help you try to find one...

As for the beauty... well... I can't imagine. I know you modeled and were (and still am in my mind) stunning. It has to be very hard, to be so so different, to yourself and to others. Those people who did that card crap for your birthday--they are NOTHING. They are complete zeros. I have never been anything but what I am... short, stubby, unphotogenic; just me. So while I wish to be tall (good old Cathy said, if "I were taller my weight would be appropriate") it ain't happening. Svelt, NOPE.

You need a support group. There are tons in your area--I know of folks who actually go every week (ours meets every week here in the harbor-most are monthly).

I am so so proud of your candor.

Sending love,
Barb

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FEEDTHEHUNGER 8/6/2014 7:18AM

    That was a hard blog to read, but a real and honest expression of a person who has been burdened by a lot of difficult situations all at once. When I have been overwhelmed like this, I force myself to focus on the good and to set out realistic ways to improve what is within my control to improve, one of which is setting boundaries for what I am doing for other people. I didn't stop giving, I just started including myself in the bounty. Setting aside time for prayer and meditation helps too.
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KGWINDER 8/5/2014 9:59PM

    Thanks guys!

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SAL1512 8/4/2014 9:15PM

    I can remember feeling like this while I was taking care of our chronically ill son and my dear husband while he fell off the cliff of excellent health into a series of 8 surgeries. Five years of struggling to take care of myself and then only to find our son dead in bed one evening. There was a whole year there that DH and myself can hardly remember. Ugly is a good word to use sometimes. I know I felt pretty ugly then. I know I felt like the baby steps I was taking to lose weight were so useless. It is really hard to pat yourself on the back for your small accomplishments, but one day it will pay off. It can be as simple as closing your eyes and remembering a beautiful place you visited once. Just those few seconds are the ticket!
I missed you, emoticon
Sally

Comment edited on: 8/5/2014 11:53:10 PM

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YVETTEB57 8/4/2014 6:37PM

    I see so much pain here and a I wish I could take it away for you. The only thing that I can tell you is to take it one day at a time, one task at a time and one step at a time. Do it for you! Many of us will never be beautiful and young again. And many of us have struggles that we wish we didn't. With diet and exercise you will start to feel good about YOU! In all that you do be sure to take some time out for what YOU want to do. A walk at the beach or nice country drive. Bath bubbles and candles! Something especially for you and you alone.
Thank you for sharing.
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Quickie

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Day 2: Sore lymph nodes swollen but still tried. Tracked food, 12-min seated core workout, took Cole-dog for claw clipping, got part of my car fixed. Wanted to lay in bed but didnt, two fainting episodes, doubled water intake.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PAG2809 2/13/2014 7:53AM

    Hang in there! emoticon

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SAL1512 2/2/2014 2:33PM

    Despite the sore nodes, you got a lot done that day!
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Sally

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BARBGEO 2/1/2014 9:59AM

    emoticon

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Wearing a Tiara

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Symbols can seem so silly. I remember the first time I looked and Sparkgoodies and it was like - say what?! But today I got a tiara Sparkgoodie and it brought back all the sensations of being the woman that daily did stairs, mile walks and reached a weigh where even if not skinny, I was proud of my picture.

So I started again today. I cleared off my old streak counter. I logged food, did a really easy starter bit of exercise (Nicole's seated 12-minute core workout), I blogged for the second day in a row - I also started working on clearing out my over 8,000 email inbox that has piled up since the road trip, holidays and illness.

So does this mean I feel well? Nope, I don't but I realize I need to start being mindful again. My body is super unconditioned. I'm at 211 pounds. That is down from the 236 soar that happened after my father's death (yea with retrospect so much easier to see that as emotional eating and tons of fast food as I was trying to manage so much) - yet my body is nothing like it was before my father's passing.

So I'm going to try to do a daily dig out of this hole. 10 minutes a day of each tracking, exercise and a personal goal...and increase as I can by 5 minutes. How long will it take to get to an 8 hour day? I don't know, but I do know I need to be doing more.

February 1 in the 1 year anniversary of my dad's passing. In so many ways, I was the widow this year. Because my mother was in the hospital with a broken hip when he died, it was me that did all the typical things a widow might do - burial and funeral arrangements, talking to friends and relatives, tax and accounting clean up - now that is truly wrapped up. I've had a strange feeling all year that my father has been pulling on me, not wanting to be alone. I've had nightmares about his final week. I've projected that on myself.

Today I put on my tiara and started acting like a person expecting a day that she will be feeling well again.

Day 1: Tracked food, weighed in, did 10 minutes of exercise, and cleared my 8000+ in box to 5,710.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAL1512 1/31/2014 11:26PM

    emoticon
I know it isn't much, just an emoticon, but it is all I got . . .

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BARBGEO 1/31/2014 9:03PM

    You know I emoticon you. You have been the sweetest friend and I am so glad to know you... I hate that things have been so tough.
Sending you glorious gems... as you send them off to us in your words of WISDOM AND FELLOWSHIP.



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