KENDAL0525   6,273
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Bringing me down...

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Anyone who knows me well, knows what I've been through in the past 5 years. It's been a roller coaster, and some days it all creeps back up on me and brings me down. I know that my mood effects my ability to stay focused on my health, so I'm going to write a little bit here, and hopefully purge some of the blues that I'm feeling.

5 years ago I was married to a man that I thought I would never get away from. He was abusive. Abusive to the point that I wasn't sure if I would get out alive. I didn't know who I was anymore. I'd lost all sense of self. I moved through life in a fog, trying to put a smile on so that people wouldn't know how terrible things really were.

Almost 4 years ago, after several attempts, I finally left. I walked out with only the clothes on my back, my purse, and my car. I couldn't take another second of it. 10 days later I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I was terrified, but thankful that my family was so supportive.

Fast forward to today - I have a beautiful, smart, energetic 3 year old daughter, I just recently married an amazing man who is the polar opposite of my ex, I graduated with my BA, and I'm studying for the LSAT. Life has changed so much. SO MUCH. But I still get down.

Today I got an email from my ex about an event for my daughter. It falls on his weekend, so I gave him the details, leaving it up to him if he wanted to take her. He invited me to come along too. For the past year, we have been able to effectively communicate and parent our daughter, which is something that we never would have done when we were together. It makes me sad sometimes, because if just could have been different back then...

Well, anyway, I love my life. I'm just feeling blah. But, I will go to the gym tonight, and I will run that blah away. I want to crawl under a rock, but I will not let myself do that. I am going to fight through this sadness in a positive way. I've always been the type of person who shuts down when I'm sad or overwhelmed. I'm not going to shut down this time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RYDERB 7/17/2012 2:19PM

    emoticon I hope going to the gym gives you enough endorphins to help push those blahs away. You're amazing and you should be so proud of how far you've come.

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Finally married, time to get back on track.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

I was going full bore when I started with Spark in May. Then I realized that my wedding was at the end of June, and I needed to fit into my dress. I had to stop everything and just maintain my weight to make sure that the dress fit on the big day, and that I didn't have to pay a ridiculous amount of money for last minute alterations. Crazy, right?

Here we are on our big day! It was the post perfect day we could have imagined.

But now I'm ready to get back to it. I'm already ready to hit the gym tomorrow, since I signed up for a 5k in September, and I am by no means a runner. I am doing the 5k Your Way Rookie program here on Spark, and I hope that it will get me in shape enough to be able to do this. I'm determined.

I'm ready for this. I'm ready to be able to take awesome 1 year anniversary pictures, knowing that I've worked hard to be where I want to be health-wise.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSV2UU 7/8/2012 11:57AM

    Congrats and many years of happiness!!! emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/8/2012 11:58:25 AM

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CARAFAE37 7/6/2012 9:38PM

    So exciting! Congrats! :D emoticon

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RYDERB 7/6/2012 5:41PM

    emoticon emoticon Wishing you a lifetime of happiness!
Good luck with your workout plans!

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LOVE7755 7/6/2012 1:06PM

    Congratulations on your marriage! Well wishes on your journey!!!

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IGSBETH 7/5/2012 9:02PM


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HWORONKO 7/5/2012 10:28AM


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VLKSHA 7/5/2012 9:22AM

    emoticon Rookie Run is a great program with a gentle building of the running distances. Hope you enjoy it as much as I am (week 2-3 now). I'm not much into running, but I enjoy not needing special equipment or rigid time schedules to get it in.

Congratulations on the big wedding day! May you always remember how much you and he smiled that day!


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EVLOBOS310 7/5/2012 8:14AM

    emoticon You looked beautiful! emoticon for jumping right back into it! emoticon

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REESYK 7/5/2012 2:57AM

    Congrats you look great!

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TROOPERJB 7/5/2012 1:58AM

    Congratulations on the marriage and good luck with your plan.


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LINDAK25 7/4/2012 10:53PM

    Best Wishes to you!

emoticon emoticon

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WUBBY82 7/4/2012 10:48PM

    CONGRATULATIONS, GIRL!!! You look beautiful - love the flower in your hair the way you have it up :)

Comment edited on: 7/4/2012 10:48:27 PM

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COUPONS0216 7/4/2012 8:51PM

    Congratulations on your marriage! Wishing you many happy years filled with love, laughter, sharing and blessings.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JAIRIE813 7/4/2012 8:11PM

    emoticonCongrats on your perfect day and good luck on getting back to your journey!

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GAELA-I-CAN 7/4/2012 8:02PM

    What a beautiful dress and bride. Sooo glad you had the perfect day !!!!!

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SUE123SUE 7/4/2012 7:59PM

    Congratulations on your wedding! emoticon

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Small changes

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I admittedly have a problem with breakfast food. I love it. Bacon especially. It is my weakness. So, while I've been convinced that I need to give up my daily breakfast sandwich and go "cold turkey", I'm just easing myself out of it and making some modifications to save calories. This week, I switched from using an everything bagel to a toasted english muffin. I also eliminated the butter on the muffin, and cut back from 3 slices of bacon to 2. While this isn't the healthiest meal around, I've saved myself 300 calories just by doing those things. I'm happy with it.

This will also be the week that I will consistently drink my 8 cups of water a day. I've got 2 days down already. I leave town for Mississippi on Friday, and I will make a point of buying a bottle of water every time we stop for gas. I will probably throw in a diet soda here and there, but overall, I will just keep at the water.

I probably won't be able to get on here while I'm away, but while I'm gone I'm still going to hold myself accountable. I'm going to write everything down that I eat so that I can attempt to add it when I get back. I'm not going to give up just because I'm going on a trip.

Well, back to work. Have a loverly day!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOPEFUL2DAY! 5/22/2012 5:37PM

    Enjoy your trip!

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Small pieces, one at a time.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

I was a mess last night when I wrote my blog. My head was swirling with way too many things and I didn't know where to start, so instead of starting at the beginning, I started to obsess over the end.

I reached out for help though. I reached out to Spark, and I found the support that I needed. I moved forward today, from the beginning, and got a few of the small pieces out of the way. I feel better now that I have my feet firmly planted again and I don't feel like I'm spinning out of control.

While my food and exercise didn't happen today, I was able to take care of some wedding stuff and also talk with my parents about helping me to finance law school. Without their help there is no chance that I can even do it, so that was where I needed to start. They now have more than 3 months to think about it before I have to register to take the LSAT. In the meantime, I can prepare for the exam and will know before I put out any money at all if they are willing to help me by co-signing on loans. Either way, no loss at this point, and I go to Plan B (which is an MSW).

Tomorrow is a new day for food, and a new week for exercise. I actually have pre-cut fruit that I HAVE to eat tomorrow or it will spoil. And I think I'll rinse the grapes and leave them on the table for me and the little one to snack on. I had NO water today, and I can really feel the difference. Back on track in the morning.

This website does more than keep me accountable. It lets me vent and freak out and lose all composure. There is always someone (usually a few someones) to help me calm down and pick up the pieces. My life is crazy, and adding the weight loss to it can be overwhelming sometimes. But, I also know that I feel centered after a work out and I lose the stress of the day. Plus, learning healthy eating now, while my daughter is still so young, is going to give her a much better chance to pick those habits up and maintain them through her life. And really, everything that I do is because I just want the best for her.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RYDERB 5/21/2012 8:36AM

    One day at a time. You've got this!
emoticon emoticon

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LORNALARSON1 5/19/2012 11:06PM

    Taking care of yourself and being a happy, healthy mom IS the best for her! Role models are so important, especially now when we live in a world of convenience and waste. I agree. It's hard to change bad habits when things in your world are so hectic.
Having a similar struggle right now!
Keep fighting the good fight!

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Fizzling out already?

Friday, May 18, 2012

My own mind is my biggest enemy. That and procrastination. It is so hard for me to overcome the negative self-talk sometimes. Or the complete lack of motivation when I am feeling stress.

I only went to the gym once this week? I could have gone more, but I didn't. Today was especially silly to skip because I didn't have to pick my little one up from her father until 8pm. What was I thinking?! I'm kicking myself now, of course, because I don't know if I'll even have a chance to go tomorrow. Ugh.

I'm stressed with the upcoming wedding. That stress is fairly mild, because it is a very small affair, but still, there is stress associated with it. Especially psychological stress because this is my second marriage. I'm also stressed about deciding what to do about grad school. I've gone back and forth between plans so many times, and now I think that I'm going to try and bite the bullet and apply to law school for 2013. It's terrifying - the cost, the time commitment, not being able to work for at least the first year. I'm not young, in comparison, to the general law school population. I have a child. I'm a real grown up who has been working in the real world for a long time. But, I really want to do this. So, we'll see.

I tend to over think things. I focus on the whole picture instead of one step at a time. I'm already worried about finding a job as an attorney that will pay enough for us to live on comfortably (not lavishly by any means). I haven't even taken the LSAT's yet. YIKES! I need to slow down.

I think this is part of the problem I have in getting healthy too. I get overwhelmed, and then I throw in the towel. I need to remember to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time, one workout at a time. I need to not give up when I feel like I've failed. Every meal is a new opportunity to eat better. Every day there will be an hour to sneak off to the gym, even if it's after the munchkin is in bed for the night and my sweet fiance is just hanging out and relaxing after another exhausting day at work.

I need to come back and read this blog when I'm feeling stressed about things. I have fruit in the fridge that I can have for breakfast. I have salad and grilled chicken that I can have for lunch. I can make good decisions tomorrow. I don't have to keep beating myself up. I WILL DRINK MY WATER TOMORROW EVEN IF I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO DROWN IN IT!

I need to lose this weight. I need to be healthy so that I can live long enough to play in the yard (of my future house) with my great grandchildren. I need to not let this beat me. I've fought for so much in my life - my education and my life after an abusive marriage most notably. I need to fight for my health too. (Oh, and for a KILLER score on the LSATs!).

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMSOOZEEQ 6/15/2012 9:23PM

    Breathe!! You are right about needing to slow down. Don't try to tackle everything at once. When I get overwhelmed like that, I take some time to journal my thoughts. It helps to get them out so they aren't bombarding me all the time. It also helps me develop a plan. It might not be in the first sitting or even the second but with things on paper, they are easy to review, rethink, scramble around, re-evaluate, and put plans into action.


emoticon I am here if you need some support!


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TAMMIEANN76 5/21/2012 12:00PM

    You've talked yourself right into your own answer! (I think a lot of us do that when we blog because we are feeling less than perfect in our regimen.) Slow down, figure out what needs to come first and do that, each day!

emoticon emoticon

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FITKITTYMAMA 5/19/2012 12:25PM

    It sounds like you know what you need to do, now you just need to make sure you do it!
This blog sounds a bit like I used to when I worried about every little thing and beat myself up over everything. I still find myself doing it every once in a while and just the other night I had to talk myself down and realize that I had 20 minutes to do yoga with my roommate because none of the other things I was stressing over getting done were even important.
You can do this, believe in yourself!!

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ESMOMMY13 5/19/2012 11:05AM

    "My own mind is my biggest enemy." I so understand that. It is mine too. My thoughts can go wild and driving me bananas. It can also send me into a depression that usually starts up my binge eating. I find that having someone to motivate you when you are not looking for it helps. I work out with a lady at work. After school (we work at a middle school) we go and do some exercises before our children get out of school (our children are in elementary school). My friend is very good about pushing and encouraging me to keep going. We make fun of her being a drill sergent but it has kept me going and now after over a year of working out together I am starting to feel more positive and not so negative.

It sounds to me that you are a perfectionist. I am one. When I finally realized this about myself it was like a new me was created. I now don't look at trying to be perfect with my food, exercise and so forth. When I mess up (don't exercise or overeat a meal or whole day) I don't beat myself up about it.

I think you are putting to much pressure on yourself. What is one thing you want to change? Work on that one thing. Make it a goal for a week or longer. Once you have that down, start something else. We can not change our lives overnight and have to take one thing at a time. This goes for food, exercise, LSAT's (I am sure you will do fine) and law school. FYI, my brother-in-law has his law degree and has not been able to get a job with any law firm. Doesn't help that he lives in a rural community. Instead he is starting out on his own. It is my sister who supports them (they don't have children). Maybe one day he will be making big bucks as a lawyer as well as you too but I am a firm believer in doing something you love and not how much it pays. Again I am a teacher. I couldn't tell you the last time I have had a pay raise and my pay is no where near the national average as a 12 year teacher. If I worried about the money I wouldn't be in my job. Focus on what you love and passionate about and all will work out.

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KJOETIEPAAI 5/19/2012 8:43AM

    you write in this blog, not only the problem, but also the solution...

don't change everything at once... You don't have to be perfect, neither does your wedding, your household.... Only start this education when you feel good about it instead of another stresspoint.

Every moment is a moment to start new. This week I didn't even go once to the gym... and I did have the time. So a lousy decision and now moving on... Can't do anything about it now, can I. Sure, I feel stupid, but well, we are approaching another week, where I can make good choices... and bad ones too, but there's room to grow.

maybe a good thing for you is to work at your problems like they are projects. You work out steps and then you can prioritise them. Then you know wich steps to taken when and it won't be a whole sh*tload of steps to take....

good luck to you!!!

just enjoy yourself and your child and your husband to be... do you have to do this weddingplanning all by yourself? Just give him some tasks too. It's the wedding of both of you!

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JAIRIE813 5/19/2012 8:20AM

    Take your own advice and slow down. Rome wasn't built in a day! Neither will you lose the weight or get through law school. You are adding extra worry that you don't have to have.

Don't stress about the wedding! If you know in your heart this is right for you then approach everything to do with it with joy. Enjoy it and the fact that you are starting this wonderful new chapter in your life.

Don't stress about school! If this is what you want to do, make it happen. Don't worry right now about finding a good enough job when you get out--there is always a job for an attorney!--concentrate on getting things set up to go to law school first.

Don't stress about the exercise! Yes, try to go to the gym if you can but, if you can't, don't beat yourself up. There are some great workout videos on this site that you can do at home--try those.

You have what you need to eat right, use it. If the water is hard for you to drink, try some flavoring. I recently started using Mio in my water every now and then. Something like that can help if you don't like drinking plain water.

Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP!! You are too important to give up on! Keep your head up and keep moving forward!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/19/2012 8:20:59 AM

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