Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Anyone who knows me well, knows what I've been through in the past 5 years. It's been a roller coaster, and some days it all creeps back up on me and brings me down. I know that my mood effects my ability to stay focused on my health, so I'm going to write a little bit here, and hopefully purge some of the blues that I'm feeling.
5 years ago I was married to a man that I thought I would never get away from. He was abusive. Abusive to the point that I wasn't sure if I would get out alive. I didn't know who I was anymore. I'd lost all sense of self. I moved through life in a fog, trying to put a smile on so that people wouldn't know how terrible things really were.
Almost 4 years ago, after several attempts, I finally left. I walked out with only the clothes on my back, my purse, and my car. I couldn't take another second of it. 10 days later I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I was terrified, but thankful that my family was so supportive.
Fast forward to today - I have a beautiful, smart, energetic 3 year old daughter, I just recently married an amazing man who is the polar opposite of my ex, I graduated with my BA, and I'm studying for the LSAT. Life has changed so much. SO MUCH. But I still get down.
Today I got an email from my ex about an event for my daughter. It falls on his weekend, so I gave him the details, leaving it up to him if he wanted to take her. He invited me to come along too. For the past year, we have been able to effectively communicate and parent our daughter, which is something that we never would have done when we were together. It makes me sad sometimes, because if just could have been different back then...
Well, anyway, I love my life. I'm just feeling blah. But, I will go to the gym tonight, and I will run that blah away. I want to crawl under a rock, but I will not let myself do that. I am going to fight through this sadness in a positive way. I've always been the type of person who shuts down when I'm sad or overwhelmed. I'm not going to shut down this time.
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
I was going full bore when I started with Spark in May. Then I realized that my wedding was at the end of June, and I needed to fit into my dress. I had to stop everything and just maintain my weight to make sure that the dress fit on the big day, and that I didn't have to pay a ridiculous amount of money for last minute alterations. Crazy, right?
Here we are on our big day! It was the post perfect day we could have imagined.
But now I'm ready to get back to it. I'm already ready to hit the gym tomorrow, since I signed up for a 5k in September, and I am by no means a runner. I am doing the 5k Your Way Rookie program here on Spark, and I hope that it will get me in shape enough to be able to do this. I'm determined.
I'm ready for this. I'm ready to be able to take awesome 1 year anniversary pictures, knowing that I've worked hard to be where I want to be health-wise.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
I admittedly have a problem with breakfast food. I love it. Bacon especially. It is my weakness. So, while I've been convinced that I need to give up my daily breakfast sandwich and go "cold turkey", I'm just easing myself out of it and making some modifications to save calories. This week, I switched from using an everything bagel to a toasted english muffin. I also eliminated the butter on the muffin, and cut back from 3 slices of bacon to 2. While this isn't the healthiest meal around, I've saved myself 300 calories just by doing those things. I'm happy with it.
This will also be the week that I will consistently drink my 8 cups of water a day. I've got 2 days down already. I leave town for Mississippi on Friday, and I will make a point of buying a bottle of water every time we stop for gas. I will probably throw in a diet soda here and there, but overall, I will just keep at the water.
I probably won't be able to get on here while I'm away, but while I'm gone I'm still going to hold myself accountable. I'm going to write everything down that I eat so that I can attempt to add it when I get back. I'm not going to give up just because I'm going on a trip.
Well, back to work. Have a loverly day!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
I was a mess last night when I wrote my blog. My head was swirling with way too many things and I didn't know where to start, so instead of starting at the beginning, I started to obsess over the end.
I reached out for help though. I reached out to Spark, and I found the support that I needed. I moved forward today, from the beginning, and got a few of the small pieces out of the way. I feel better now that I have my feet firmly planted again and I don't feel like I'm spinning out of control.
While my food and exercise didn't happen today, I was able to take care of some wedding stuff and also talk with my parents about helping me to finance law school. Without their help there is no chance that I can even do it, so that was where I needed to start. They now have more than 3 months to think about it before I have to register to take the LSAT. In the meantime, I can prepare for the exam and will know before I put out any money at all if they are willing to help me by co-signing on loans. Either way, no loss at this point, and I go to Plan B (which is an MSW).
Tomorrow is a new day for food, and a new week for exercise. I actually have pre-cut fruit that I HAVE to eat tomorrow or it will spoil. And I think I'll rinse the grapes and leave them on the table for me and the little one to snack on. I had NO water today, and I can really feel the difference. Back on track in the morning.
This website does more than keep me accountable. It lets me vent and freak out and lose all composure. There is always someone (usually a few someones) to help me calm down and pick up the pieces. My life is crazy, and adding the weight loss to it can be overwhelming sometimes. But, I also know that I feel centered after a work out and I lose the stress of the day. Plus, learning healthy eating now, while my daughter is still so young, is going to give her a much better chance to pick those habits up and maintain them through her life. And really, everything that I do is because I just want the best for her.
Friday, May 18, 2012
My own mind is my biggest enemy. That and procrastination. It is so hard for me to overcome the negative self-talk sometimes. Or the complete lack of motivation when I am feeling stress.
I only went to the gym once this week? I could have gone more, but I didn't. Today was especially silly to skip because I didn't have to pick my little one up from her father until 8pm. What was I thinking?! I'm kicking myself now, of course, because I don't know if I'll even have a chance to go tomorrow. Ugh.
I'm stressed with the upcoming wedding. That stress is fairly mild, because it is a very small affair, but still, there is stress associated with it. Especially psychological stress because this is my second marriage. I'm also stressed about deciding what to do about grad school. I've gone back and forth between plans so many times, and now I think that I'm going to try and bite the bullet and apply to law school for 2013. It's terrifying - the cost, the time commitment, not being able to work for at least the first year. I'm not young, in comparison, to the general law school population. I have a child. I'm a real grown up who has been working in the real world for a long time. But, I really want to do this. So, we'll see.
I tend to over think things. I focus on the whole picture instead of one step at a time. I'm already worried about finding a job as an attorney that will pay enough for us to live on comfortably (not lavishly by any means). I haven't even taken the LSAT's yet. YIKES! I need to slow down.
I think this is part of the problem I have in getting healthy too. I get overwhelmed, and then I throw in the towel. I need to remember to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time, one workout at a time. I need to not give up when I feel like I've failed. Every meal is a new opportunity to eat better. Every day there will be an hour to sneak off to the gym, even if it's after the munchkin is in bed for the night and my sweet fiance is just hanging out and relaxing after another exhausting day at work.
I need to come back and read this blog when I'm feeling stressed about things. I have fruit in the fridge that I can have for breakfast. I have salad and grilled chicken that I can have for lunch. I can make good decisions tomorrow. I don't have to keep beating myself up. I WILL DRINK MY WATER TOMORROW EVEN IF I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO DROWN IN IT!
I need to lose this weight. I need to be healthy so that I can live long enough to play in the yard (of my future house) with my great grandchildren. I need to not let this beat me. I've fought for so much in my life - my education and my life after an abusive marriage most notably. I need to fight for my health too. (Oh, and for a KILLER score on the LSATs!).
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