Wednesday, July 03, 2013
I wouldn't typically call myself a stress eater. However, the last two days, I have stuffed myself with everything I can get my hands on because my entire life feels like it's crashing down around me. I don't know why I did it. It didn't make me feel any better. It just made me feel bloated and disgusting. It's almost like I purposely sabotaged the one thing that was going really well for me.
I'm back on track today. Logging, drinking my water, not letting the other stuff get me down. I'm disappointed in myself, because this was the week I wanted to start focusing on getting more regular exercise in, not undoing the damage that two days of high calorie eating did. But that's OK. It's in the past and I can only go forward from here.
We all slip up. We all get overwhelmed and let it effect our food choices. It's ok. The important thing is to come out of it and get back on track. I'm done beating myself up. Pass the water :)
Monday, June 24, 2013
Let's be honest. Losing weight and getting healthy is no easy task. Especially when one has not had healthy eating habits for the majority of their life. Heck, that's why we're all here, right? Because we need help and support and because this journey is HARD! I've been overweight to some degree for as long as I can remember. I'm tall, so I "carry my weight well" (whatever THAT means), but still, I've always been self-conscious because of the way I look.
I've been a member of Spark for years on and off. I understand the principles of weight loss. I understand the things that I need to do in order to make myself healthier. For whatever reason, though, I've always failed when I've tried to put those things into practice. Maybe I tried to do too much at once and overwhelmed myself. Maybe I just wasn't ready. Sometimes I was being sabotaged by the very people that SHOULD be the most supportive. Sometimes, (more often than not lately) I'm just so damn poor that I can't afford to have as much healthy food as I would like.
Over the last several weeks, with the support and encouragement of a dear friend who is also on his own journey to becoming healthy, everything has started to click. It's not hard anymore. Every time I eat I have a choice. A choice to fuel my body with something healthy. A choice to NOT eat until I feel like I'm going to explode. A choice to pare down my portion sizes. It's not all or nothing. It's not "oh, I messed up today, I'll start again tomorrow". It's not "I need to start at the beginning of a week". Every time I eat I make a choice.
Sometimes, I make choices that aren't the greatest. For example, I went over on my calories last night because I wanted ice cream in the worst way (it's been 90 degrees here - YUCK!) But I log it and I move on from it and think about the next choice I'll be able to make. I learn from every good choice and every bad choice. Sometimes I find myself struggling just to get to 1200 calories. Sometime I look at my tracker and realize that I just had a bad day. The key - MOVE ON FROM IT. Learn, and move on.
I will never be a supermodel. I will never be stick thin and bony (nor do I want to be). My goal is to be healthy. I want to be strong. I want to have the endurance that I've lacked all my life. I want to get off the stupid high blood pressure medication that I've been on since I was in my mid-20's (and I'm only 33). I want to manage my herniated disc and sciatica issues by losing weight and developing a strong core. I want the satisfaction of just feeling awesome about myself, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I will do that slowly and steadily.
One of the biggest things that I've done is I've tried to stop drinking my calories. I drink water so much more now. I also drink Crystal Light (2 quart package made with a gallon of water to cut the sweetness but give me a little flavor). I don't keep soda in the house at all anymore. It's makes a HUGE difference. And you know what? I don't measure every single thing. I have a basic idea of what a cup of something looks like or what 3oz of something feels like. For me, it's working. Now, if I can just add the exercise back in. Stupid stupid back.... (I'm getting there though. Walking more now and getting some core strengthening going).
So, if anyone reading this is struggling, just remember that you get a new chance every time you need to eat or drink. You don't have to wait until tomorrow, or next week. Just until the next choice.
We're all in this together, and I know that we can all do it!
Friday, June 14, 2013
I am writing this blog to simply say that I am officially wearing the smallest pair of jeans that I own and they look FABULOUS :) Size 12 Express jeans that I bought 3 years ago and haven't been able to wear in 2 years. I pull them out every once in a while just to see how much longer it will be until I get to wear them. I was shocked this morning when they went on perfectly! So, hooray for non-scale victories!!!!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I'm 33 years old. And I'm falling apart physically. I have arthritis in my lower back. Along with a herniated disc that causes flare ups of severe sciatica. I have high blood pressure. How is all this possible?
Yesterday I got injections of cortisone in my back for the first time, to help the arthritis. It isn't unbearable, but I'm always stiff and achy when I get up in the morning. It seemed to help, even though the injection sites hurt like hell right now. Next week I go for another injection to help calm my sciatic nerve. I had a month long flare up in May, and my reflexes and sensation are still not back to normal even though the pain is gone.
I'm really hoping that some core strengthening will help keep my back from bothering me so much. Once the injection sites feel better, I'm going to try and just do some simple things to begin working on that. I need to NOT fall apart anymore!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Well, it's been a while since I've been active on here. Of course, I know that nothing changes when I'm not committed to myself, but still, I find every excuse under the sun. I'm going to try to be more active. And I'm going to try and care more about myself.
I've found myself in and out of a pretty nasty depression over the last several months. Even on the anti-depressant, I'm still not mentally where I need to be. So, I'm going to try going back to the gym. If I can just get there, I know it will make me feel better. But I just need to get there. It sucks having to wait until my little one is in bed (8pm), but it it's going to help my mood, then so be it.
Life feels like it is all falling apart. My marriage is on the rocks (go figure), we are completely broke, and I'm supposed to be starting law school in August. My daughter's father and I are on opposite pages about where she will be going to school and he is looking to alter the custody agreement. So, needless to say, things are pretty stressful. I've been using a lot of unhealthy ways to cope with all of the stress. Those unhealthy things are, ultimately, just making me feel worse. So, I'm going to try something healthy, just to see if it makes a difference.
I'm only committing to tonight. I'm not going to even pretend that I might go again this week. I just want to make it for one night. Then, I'll decide on another day and just commit to that day. One thing that I've realized lately is that I always overwhelm myself, so I'm trying not to do that.
This isn't even about losing the weight so much. This is more about gaining some control over my life where I can, especially when there is so much that I can't control. This is about finding a way to clear my head so I can focus and not be ruled by my emotions. These are things that I need in my life right now.
So, here's to tonight and just clearing my mind.
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