Tuesday, April 05, 2011
A horrible and disgusting story like this comes along every once in awhile: 43 year old, morbidly obese man dies after being stuck in chair for 2 years. I've seen it before and distanced myself immediately with an ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! This last story that came across the Internet over the weekend won't leave me so easily. The man gave up everything for eating and drinking. Gag! Repulsive!
Am I not already standing in the same corridor?
What I've given up for eating and drinking:
1) Being able to buy styles that I love. When I'm searching through the size 14-16 part of the rack, if something catches my eye in a "that's exactly what I'm looking for" way, 99.8% of the time it's a size 6 or 8 or 10 that somebody hung in the wrong spot.
2) My favorite pair of jeans no longer zip.
3) The zipper of my favorite pair of fat jeans will no longer stay up.
4) I've completely lost any sense of being attractive or desireable. When my husband touches me in certain ways, all I can think is "don't touch me there; rolls of fat!"
5) I do everything I can to stay out of pictures. When somebody (like my daughter) insists, it's all I can do to keep from crying (every once in awhile, I find the picture so hideous I can't stop the tears).
6) My sense of having any control at all. Day after day I find myself mindlessly munching my way through the cabinets and refrigerator like a giant caterpillar, hating myself every second but unable to pull myself away.
7) The ability to exercise like I want to. I'd like to blame my age, but a few years ago I did a walk-a-thon with people more than a decade older than I am right now - slim and fit-looking people who had no trouble with it at all. My feet kill me after 40 minutes of walking the dog.
I don't want to walk down this corridor. I've seen what's at the end of it, and OMG! I do not want to go there.
Yesterday I started again. I printed out a meal plan and followed it to the best of my ability, substituting something similar that I had for a food I did not have. I came in somewhere near the middle of my range. I turned my back on mindless grazing. It wasn't easy, but it will get easier with practice. It has to!
I quit my gym about 3 weeks ago, and interestingly enough I got a notice from my employer that the same gym is offering memberships to employees at a significant discount. It's a sign.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I was informed this morning that our line counts are being watched. Ack! I have such bad work habits! I'm at home transcribing imaging reports for the local hospital. I used to be one of the top producers. Now I've got such bad habits, surfing the net, making blog entries, taking the dog outside and forgetting to come back.
Looks like my weight bump upward was temporary. It was back down today so I recorded it.
I only went over the upper range of my calorie count by 99 calories yesterday. I can easily see how I could have eliminated 100 calories and not even suffered. I used to start at the bottom end of my range, but I never got anywhere (in other words - abandoned the effort as too hard). I decided this time to start at the top of my range - eat/drink every bite/swallow I'm allowed until I see that I'm not losing weight on that, then cut back my calories 100 calories at a time.
Getting back into exercise isn't as easy this time. I shouldn't expect it to be. I'm nearly 60 years old now. But I'm disappointed anyway. I used to tolerate exercise so easily. I took the dog for a 40-minute walk yesterday and was going to follow it up with an abs workout that starts upright and brings up the heart rate, then has all kinds of dance-type moves that engage the abdomen, but honest to god/dess; I couldn't do it. Literally couldn't. I was toast.
I need an exercise mat for floor work.
I need to get back to my job. I'm so afraid they're going to fire me. These are tough times.
I almost wish they would. I hate my job.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The temporary crown has been holding, so I've cautiously resumed eating what I considered diet portions (but I didn't actually measure and keep track). I'm already up 1.5 pounds. I'm not shocked or anything. I knew the weight would go back up. I decided to get back on track with the measuring today. If I can't lose weight, I'm going to be sure that it's because the calorie count doesn't work for me, not because I'm not working.
I still haven't settled into a home workout program. I'm on the verge of regretting my decision to give up the gym, except that I still don't want to go there. I want to find the balance of eaing and activity that will keep me fit and slender in my home routine. Going to the gym always felt fake to me. I knew from the very beginning that it wasn't something I wanted to incorporate into my life-style for the long term.
O.k., back to work transcribing imaging reports. I got an announcement by Fax yesterday that there's going to be another round of lay-offs. The hospital is asking for volunteers to take early retirement. I'm getting "up there" in age, but I'm not at retirement age yet. Anyway, gotta work; don't want them to think I'm not worth my salary.
Monday, March 21, 2011
I still can't chew. My temporary crown pops off if I do, and I think the dental clinic is a little tired of putting a new one in, so I'm on liquids. That meal substitute powder that I bought today is NASTY! I'm going to try mixing it with something else next time, and if it's still awful, I will have to take it back.
I love seeing the numbers on the scale go down so fast, but I'm already feeling a lot of anxiety over what will happen when I can eat again. I want this to be my jump-start to continued loss. I'm so afraid I'll gain it all back.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
I suffered a fall onto eroded limestone (very hard, very sharp) on February 17 and tore up the right side of my nose, also between lip and nose (plus various other gouges and bruises), and had stitches. My entire face hurt, and as my obvious damage healed but the pain didn't improve, I pinpointed the problem to a tooth . Turns out that I broke not only that tooth but 3 teeth. The tooth in the back on the right top had to come out because I broke it in half, so now I have stitches there. Another tooth needed a crown. The third tooth only has a superficial crack and the dentist didn't recommend any intervention for that one.
I haven't been able to eat much for several days because the temporary crown won't stay in place. I kept trying to stick it back in there with a dental adhesive, but every time I tried to eat or drink something, even though I only chewed on the left side, the temporary crown would pop off again. The last time I tried to stick it back on, it broke. The stump of the former tooth is extremely sensitive to temperature. I left a message with my dentist yesterday, and he tried to return my call, but we kept missing each other. I hope he can get me in to fix this soon, Monday at the latest.
So anyway, I weighed 195 yesterday. I didn't list it because I fear that as soon as I resume eating and drinking, that's going to bump back up. I've been in too much pain to exercise. In fact, I've been taking Percocet, which pretty much removes all motivation other than watching Netflix or coloring in my tropical fish coloring book. (Don't look at me that way! I like to color.)
Get An Email Alert Each Time KENAZFEHU Posts