Tuesday, June 26, 2012
According to the stres theory, a little stress is healthy. It encourages you to push a little further and go a little harder. It keeps you on your toes.
According to that same theory, too much stress is BAD. It depresses your immune system. It makes you tired. It slows you down...
I think that is what is happening. I was down to about 192ish, teetering on 191, about a month ago or so. Isn't it crazy how TEN pounds can make you feel?!? I'm dealing with this heart issue that has kept me sitting on my butt for way too long, and I'm not really sure how to deal with it. BUT, the stress alone is going to KILL me!
I should find out today when the heart procedure is going to take place.
I take my NCLEX on Friday, hoping that if I pass... a job will magically appear that day ?
I have two jobs that I juggle... both together barely pay my bills, and I will be overqualified for both of them if I pass on Friday. I have my replacements' resumes ON MY DESK... STRESS!?!
I have been trying to figure out how to get along with my guy, working on bills and work and school... and yadda yadda yadda... he still supports me 100% and I just don't understand how I got so lucky. I'll deny it to the death that I said that if he asked, but... it's true. We're working it out a little at a time.
I feel EXHAUSTED. I cry for no reason, I'm tired, I'm achy, there's always something that's bothering me (my heart, my knee, my stomach, a headache) and I feel like all I do is complain. Since gaining this ten pounds back, I feel like that coomplaining is getting worse. I realize that even my UNDERWARE are tight... lol and there's nothing hotter than muffin top over some cute under-roos! ;) lol
I am trying really hard to get that energy back, but I realize... reading back through these blogs, that a diary is probably the healthiest thing for me. Only my closest friends have access to this, and they understand. I realize when I feel good, and when I feel like junk, and I'm understanding that my heart issue HAS been holding me back. There's no two ways about it, having an attack makes me think twice about taking the stairs or parking in the back of the lot... so running three miles really scares the heck out of me, even if it's with someone that I trust would be able to help me.
Losing control of your heart rate and breathing and feeling that surge of epinephrine rush through your body is the most horrifying and embarrassing experience, and when people see a heavy girl grab her chest, they automatically think "heart attack" or "anxiety". It's been really tough because no one really understands how terrifying these attacks are or how I feel about them keeping me from working out and moving my body. It may be a crutch or an excuse right now, but hopefully... after this next ablasion, there will not be a reason any longer.
I'm really scared, this procedure is terrible and I have a new doctor that promises that everything is going to go much better this time, but I really have been trying to keep my fear of this procedure to myself, because it is simply a procedure that can't be explained. The only way to get people to understand is to tell them that it's a procedure that involves threading a tiny laser through a puncture site in my groin, that leads to my heart. They speed my heart up, then slow it down so that they can duplicate the episode. If my heart stops, they shock me. Then they take the little laser and start zapping away inside of my heart. I can feel it burn, I can feel the shocks, I can feel my heart racing and slowing way too slow. I can feel it stop. They give me just enough medicine that I can't really communicate, but it doesn't mess with my heart rate. The first time I was wide awake, the second time they put me in a twighlight, and I'm terrified to find out what will happen this time. A friend is putting my case to the top of the stack, so I should be going in any day now... I just keep thinking that if it goes as planned, my heart will be fixed and I won't worry about it anymore. But that thought process is disrupted by the realization that they have told me that twice before. But, it's out of my hands... that's the only thing I know for sure. And there are diseases that are much worse, and people that go through much worse... but I am still just scared...
So, here's to Friday.
Here's to passing the NCLEX.
Here's to the cure to my heart issue.
Here's to getting a new job.
Here's to moving forward.
Here's to being able to have enough money to throw my son A REAL birthday party this year!
This will all be over soon... and as long as I can keep my stress at that "healthy" motivating level, I should be able to get through it without collapsing.
THIRD TIME'S A CHARM!
Monday, March 05, 2012
Sooo... 60 days until graduation. In July, I will take my NCLEX and be a Nurse. I'm going back for my bachelor's degree in September. I'm the outgoing Student Nurse President for my college, incoming Michigan Nursing Students' Asssociation - Image and Breakthrough Director. I have a ten year old travel hockey player, he's going to be a Pee Wee this Spring. He's an amazing little guy. I'm finally getting child support, (a day late, and always a dollar short, but hey... better than nothing...), and he is starting to see his dad on a more regular basis (the jury is still out on that one too, but for now, Brian is happy about it...). I also met the guy of my dreams in October, he has been so supportive and patient, I am feeling really happy for the first time in a long time, it feels like things are finally coming together... sooo... what's missing... right?
I am trying to shake this BODY! It seems like with all of the cafeteria food and meals on the go, I'm having a hard time sticking to my daily calories. When I do, I feel like I'm STARVING! What's the answer? I'm hoping that Spark can get me back on track. I'm never around a computer anymore, at least not one that Big Brother doesn't have on lockdown... so I downloaded the SparkPeople app for my droid phone... this morning I plugged my calories into my intake diary before I even got my breakfast from the drive-thru window! Ideally, I think that it'd be better to skip the drive-thru window... I know that it would be healthier to eat the same exact food if I made it at home, but I just feel like I don't have the time and money...
Maybe there are some better ideas out there for meals on the go, but for now, I'm back to my trainer 3x a week, running with my sister twice a week, and trying to get in some type of exercise every day. It's harder than it seems and honestly, I feel like someone pulled my energy plug and it drained out of my foot or something... but one thing is for sure, looking back at my posts from last year, I would say that things are looking up! It did take hitting rock bottom for me to realize that things had to change in my life, and now that that is under control, hopefully I can start making other changes now, like my diet and exercise... it's time to stop thinking about rebuilding what I had already ruined, and to start thinking on what is going to come now that everything is repaired...
Good things are on their way for me... and today... it feels ONEderful! :) I can't wait to go running tonight!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I've always been "not skinny"... now, looking back at old pictures of me from High School... when I thought that I was "FAT" I wish that I realized a little bit more what I really looked like, it must have actually been like a funny mirror, you know, like the ones in the Fun House? I never saw me as anything other than disgustingly fat. I remember feeling good in some of my outfits, and I remember feeling like I looked "pretty", but please... let's not confuse pretty for skinny. I think I was blessed with my mother's looks, and cursed with my father's metabolism. It's amazing that I can put on one outfit one day and feel amazing and then when the wind blows my t-shirt against my stomach I'm hoping that no one was around to see it hug to my muffin top.
I'm not reallly sure how I'm going to get over this, I'm realizing that maybe my weight is what has been preventing me from having a normal relationship with a guy that has a real job and goals in life... my sister called a guy the other day a "Chubby Chaser" lol... I laughed and said WHAT?!? lol She said, "Yeah, he's a guy that goes after girls who have low self-esteem because that way he basically feels better about himself." hmmm.... have I been settling for Chubby Chasers? My other sister went out to dinner with us the other night and laughed when I said I hoped to be married in the next 5 years... she said "you better get started, that seems a little fast?" .... I feel like my time to do these things is slipping away, everywhere I turn I hear about another friend getting married or having kids, and I feel like I'm stuck in neutral over here, in la la land... I'm getting really frustrated and I'm not sure what it's going to take to get me out of this funk, but I was looking at some of my Spark pictures and realized... I wasn't always in this funk, and I'm only ten pounds from feeling "okay" again... so I need to stick with it.
I gained a half of a pound this week, but there are far worse things in life than gaining a half of a pound. I don't think it's so much the weight that I gained, as much as looking in that funny mirror again and not being able to let the pretty out anymore... I just feel exhausted. It's very hard, and extremely lonely right now, but I just don't have the time to waste or the money to spend to have any kind of a social life right now. My phone rings 15 times a day with bill collectors, and my Dad and Mom just keep handing me money like it's going out of style. Maybe if I can lose a couple of pounds this week, (2-3) and get my financial aid award letter figured out, I can pull myself up by my boot straps.
I feel like if one more person tells me, "You can do it!" ... that I may punch them. I don't know why, but I just feel like there's no way that people can understand, unless they are standing in my shoes. Things could be worse, I see that there's an upward trend... but I don't want to be a crazy cat lady when I'm 35 and sometimes I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers...
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Well... here I am again... Like an alcoholic to a drink... I've gotten back to old habits that die hard and here I am, tipping the scale again... So, I was thinking to myself... 'How did I let this happen?' 'How am I going to get back to where I started again?' ... then I remembered what helped me last time: Short term goal. JUNE. 30 days... starting tomorrow. I took my pictures. I went running. I got some things accomplished. I cleared my schedule. This is just between me and myself... and for now, it's just for June. Soooo... my goal? 10 lbs. Short and sweet. To get back under 200 and to have my clothes feel better on me. To boost my self confidence and to enjoy my summer... so why not start with JUNE?!? I have conquered some really messed up things in my life... some really horrible, some really trying, some really really really emotionally draining things in my life... I can TOTALLY HANDLE 30 days...
SO WATCH OUT JUNE! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!!
Friday, October 29, 2010
What a disaster! I started RN school in September, the same week that I offered up my three bedroom condo to my sister, her husband, her two children and two dogs... to move in with my son and I. During the day, I offered for my Mom to watch my two one year old nephews at my house as well. From 7am-11pm my house is buzzing with people and with all of that chaos comes.... pizza, doughnuts, fruit snacks, pop, cookies, chocolates, candy corn, ice cream... I don't understand how these people don't weigh 500# a piece~! My sister weighs about 10-20 lbs less than me, and the only thing that I asked her to do when she moved in, was not to bring this stuff into the house. SO, here we are, two months later and ten pounds up! So, the closed on their house last week and are in the process of moving into their new home. It will be at least a week or two before they aren't "staying" at the house anymore... but I am really going crazy here!.... I wanted to weigh 183 by my cousins wedding, and instead, after stepping on the scale today and realizing I was up from my 193 mark to 203! I just want to cry. After all of that, a potluck at work pushed me over the edge and now I am determined to take this weight off, and to do as much as I can this week in order to at least feel good in my dress if not able to look good in it. All of my spark friends have disappeared, and I could really use some help here! I need to start with my consistency again... I keep going on a week, off a week... I can't afford my bills or groceries, and canceled my trainer before my knee surgery so I have been really unmotivated for the last couple of months and my lifestyle has changed so drastically, that I feel like it's spiraling out of control. NOT TO MENTION: If I get 15 minutes of spare time, I belly up to the bar for a beer with my new found college buddies because it's more social than going off by myself to hit the gym. We have all expressed an interest in working out together, but we can't choose a gym we can all afford and access... so it's "here we go again on my own... again."
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