My top 20 ........

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

BRACE YOURSELF, THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY.!!!


1. I. can't. do. it. anymore.
2. I feel so alone.
3. I am disappointed in myself ... yet again.
4. I want to stop.
5. I want to quit.
6. It's not working for me anyway.
7. I don't know what to do anymore.
8. It's getting harder, not easier.
9. When does it become a lifestyle?
10. Why was I cursed with this body?
11. When do I get to look pretty?
12. When do I get to live in Onederland?
13. Why am I unable to get a grip?
14. There are days when I just hate ME! I look in the mirror and I feel disgusted with myself.
15. How did I ever allow myself to get like this?!!!
16. What do I do now?
17. Why do I feel like a yo-yo? I keep losing, gaining, losing, gaining the same few pounds over and over again!
18. I am so frustrated I honestly don't know where to go from here.
19. I want to just give up ---- repeats about 1000 times daily in my head.
20. When is it my turn to win?


This is where I am right now.


I'm exhausted, frustrated, disappointed, bitter and thoroughly disgusted with myself. My head has been filled with a lot of negative thoughts about myself for the last week. I have not danced, have not worked out, because the negativity was strong enough that I was able to just ignore any idea that I had about 'I should walk, I should do a video, I should at least dance''. Nope, that little devil in my head took it's pitchfork and kicked any good idea right outta there.

Yesterday I didn't even get out of bed. Embarrassing but true. I was in such a funk that I couldn't do anything. I laid in bed and watched the 'Sex and the City' movie ... twice ... before I finally hauled my big rear out of bed but that's all the effort I made. I didn't get dressed, didn't comb my hair. Nothing!

Today I got up, got dressed (had to take son to physical therapy) and caught my reflection in a mirror at the clinic and felt like crying. Yep, I was only a few tears away from having myself a pity party right then and there. Plus I noticed that I have gained weight in my face again. Dang it!!! I also got on the scale and wanted to throw it out the window! When we got home I decided to log in and see what's up with my sparkfriends and went to my friend Judy's blog. Like a thousand times before, she doesn't know it but she wrote that blog for me. lol! If JUDYCANDOTHIS, maybe I can hang on and try harder.

Told you it wasn't going to be pretty here today, I have been so full of self-anger, frustration and disappointment that I knew I needed a place to dump it before it really got a stronghold on me. That's one of the things about being an emotional eater. If you don't control it, it will control you!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUDYSPOSITIVE 4/18/2009 6:24PM

Kelly I just got around to reading this post and I'm so sorry you were feeling this way. You know I'm always here for you, send me a message anytime. Remember when I told you a long time ago, there isn't a race to get this done, we will get there one day. Perseverance, I've had many ups and downs but I just keep plugging away. I don't plan I kicking the bucket any time soon and as long as I'm conscious of what I'm eating and don't go crazy I know things will happen. I have been so busy getting ready for the Red Hatters Convention next week that I haven't been eating that well, plus my hubby got laid off from his job on Thursday. Just a temporary glitch in things right now, but things will improve. Keep smiling and enjoy each day to it's fullest. You've had your day in bed, now it's time to enjoy the spring and summer and love yourself. I'm always here, remember that okay. Judy Report Inappropriate Comment

JUST_IMAGINE 4/17/2009 8:42PM

Oh my goodness Kelly, I am so sorry that you were feeling this way, and I was not here to comfort you, and support you! Please remember that you are NEVER alone in feeling that way. You know what, I have felt every single one of those emotions, sometimes all of them at once too! It IS a very hopeless state to be in. Gosh, please know that I am always sending love and support your way, dear dear Kelly. Report Inappropriate Comment

LOOKING_UP 4/17/2009 1:06PM

Kelly, It was very therapeutic to get this all out. I hope you felt some of the sadness and disappointment let go...I SO understand. These thoughts aren't pretty but they are so part of us and need to be out in the open. Is there anything we can do here to help...stop in daily --cheer you on? I need the cheering as well. Remember each day is a brand new day. YOU are worth all the effort and love and happiness. Hang in there, buddy. We have all been where you are ....and go in and out of those feelings--I know I do. BIG HUGE HUGS, Kelly!!!!!!!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

H-2-OH 4/16/2009 7:29PM

I'm so sorry, Kelly. Do you think you're depressed? I've felt the same way you're describing and had my share of days where I just didn't want to do anything. Don't give up! Just keep taking those steps one at a time. Get some fresh air! It's spring time! Report Inappropriate Comment

UP-4-A-CHANGE 4/16/2009 2:50PM

You poor thing i hope you are feeling better today I hate Day's like this we can get through it really we can just keep trying if you need anything I am just a page away.. Report Inappropriate Comment

WALKING365! 4/16/2009 7:35AM

Morning u. (its me Shawna- came under the wrong spark name! ol) I just want you to know that I HAVE had ALL all those thoughts.. and then some. and it does not matter if we have 100 lbs to loose, 50 or 10.. we need to give this journey to God. u know that. I will keep you in my prayers today. I dont have a miralce of wisdom, all I do know is that once I made it about being healthy.. it came ALOT eaiser to say No to things and it wasnt such a sacrafice. And once I was not able to be as active as I once was, and once I had to humble myslef from being a runner to just .. a.. walker??(lol) i learned that He wanted me to slow down and take time WITH him. I incorperated Him in my workouts and WOW.. I really started seeing changes. Can you commit to a walk everday? just a walk. for your health? 10 mn. 20? see my page for the WalkOnWalkers team. I know my other team was too much, before.. but this one has NO challenges, other than to try to walk everday. I was challenged to do this last dec. To walk everday OUTSIDE no matter what in 2009. Not for my weight loss. but for my mind. its wher I think. pray. IT HAS GIVEN me soo much and oddly, God has used it to bring my weight back to the healthiest it has been in a long time! its ODD! I know you can do this girl. and YOUR pretty already!! NOt saying anymore!!! Love ya-Me! Comment edited on: 4/16/2009 7:36:26 AM Report Inappropriate Comment

~~~ Easter blessings!!! ~~~

Friday, April 10, 2009

''The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction
and the opportunity to start over no matter what
my circumstances.'' ~Robert Flatt



''Easter is the demonstration of God that life is
essentially spiritual and timeless.'' ~Charles M. Crowe



''Up from the grave he arose;
with a mighty triumph o'er his foes;
he arose a victor from the dark domain,
and he lives forever, with his saints to reign.
He arose! He arose! Hallelujah! Christ arose!''


.... Christ is risen!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST_IMAGINE 4/17/2009 8:47PM

Absolutely beautiful Kelly! Thanks for sharing! Report Inappropriate Comment

LOOKING_UP 4/12/2009 12:30PM

Beautiful message, Kelly! Happy Easter!! Report Inappropriate Comment

NIKKILYNN528 4/10/2009 8:20PM

HAPPY EASTER!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

SHAWNATONY 4/10/2009 7:57PM

Wonderful blog girl!! Love the pics and the quotes are awesome! Happy Easter to you and your family! Report Inappropriate Comment

mid-week ramblings ...

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

I was not feeling very well yesterday and basically was a slug most of the day. I have not been sleeping well (what else is new!) and I think it really caught up to me because yesterday I had no energy to do anything. I planned all day to dance or do an aerobics tape but I just couldn't make myself do it, my whole body just felt tired. Guess I had a case of the blahs!


I managed to get some exercise in today and also did some cleaning this morning which burned some calories but I have a sore ankle today and my feet seem to be a bit swollen. Don't know what's going on with my body right now. It seems to just do it's own thing! But right now I could use a nap!







I haven't been watching American Idol as closely as I have in years past but last night I heard Adam Lambert sing 'Mad World' and I got chills. It may have been the best idol moment for me since the beginning of the series. And, as we know, Simon rarely gives any contestant a standing ovation. I'm gonna have to start watching more closely.




How about Sione from Biggest Loser? He looked really good and I was excited for him that the experience was so great for him that he is now looking into becoming a personal trainer. I love that!!

Was anyone else really disappointed in Tara during the food temptation challenge? I know they all wanted the prize but, my gosh, to eat over 4000 calories. It was a feeding frenzy in there. I was very proud of Kristin for only eating the pretzel and nothing else. She kept her wits about her while they others went kinda crazy. And did you notice how glassy-eyed Tara was after the challenge when Bob & Jillian came into the building?

Anyone else getting tired of Ron? I don't like how it's kind of revolved into 'Ron is the Hatchet Man'. I've heard him say to at least a couple of the ones who were sent home ''it's your time to go''. Why has no one ever said that to him. Maybe he's a nice man and all but he can't really do much and is never really a help in the challenges. Personally I think he should have gone home and they should have kept Mandi. JMHO! All the drama last night about Sione & Filipe wanting to send Ron home was silly. They're all going home at some point, why get that angry about it.


That's enough rambling on for me!
Tomorrow is another day ...

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUST_IMAGINE 4/17/2009 8:39PM

I have had days like that too, Kelly. Where your body just feels so blah, and heavy. It WILL pass eventually, but it doesn't make it any easier to tolerate. Hope things changed quickly for you, friend. Keep your chin up! Love, Casey Report Inappropriate Comment

NIKKILYNN528 4/9/2009 5:01PM

Hi Kelly, Maybe the blahs are going around? Jake had school testing this week so each morning we had to get to the testing site and then sit and wait for him to be done. B-O-R-I-N-G!! But we are done now. i am so sleepy i think your idea for nap sounds delightful! Steve and I are huge Adam fans. he is amazing week after week. hugs Report Inappropriate Comment

LIVE_TO_LOVE 4/9/2009 8:48AM

Hi Kellygirl! I've been missing you, and here you blogged and I didn't realize! I must have gotten unsubscribed... I have been a little disappointed in Am Idol this season. I never follow it very closely, but I HAVE enjoyed Adam's performances and Allison's too. I'missed it TUes. because I was recording BL AND Snoopy at the same time. (had to record that for my little guys that I watch, ya know) Matbe I'll see if I can find Adam's song somewhere...I hate that I missed it! As for BL..I totally agree with you there, too. Disappointed in Tara (and really everyone except Kristin) for being power hungry...Ron for being a bully & holding grudges...I mean, it's a GAME. The reward SHOULD be in getting healthy!! It was probably the WORST BL to date, IMO. I think Sione was awesome...class act. Kristin ROCKS! =] Laura just gets on my nerves, poor girl (isn't that horrible to say??YES. It is.) What a mess! I hope next week is better. Anyway..I'M the one rambling here, I think. =] I love you, Kel! I hope you have a GOOD day today, my friend ~ energy bursting !! xo Report Inappropriate Comment

SHAWNATONY 4/8/2009 7:20PM

ya know I watched that whole show and decided at the last few minutes to start folding some laundry and missed it! I seen the recap on yahoo this am and had to go watch it- then seen your blog. I have never heard that song. I guess Simon liked it- lol. wil lhave to see what they say 2nite ;) love your ramblings! Report Inappropriate Comment

H-2-OH 4/8/2009 7:18PM

I'm having a blah day myself today. Maybe tomorrow we'll be back to our old selves! I was bummed Sionne went home. I was hoping Helen would. I also was a little disappointed in Ron lately. He thinks he needs to be there for Mike but I think Mike is strong enough to do this on his own. I can understand why he feels that way though as a parent. I like how they're all looking so healthy! My husband tuned in with me last night. He hadn't seen it since the first two weeks of this season. He could really see the changes in them. That challenge was crazy! I can't believe they ate all that. That WAS a lot of power, though. Power corrupts, just goes to show you it's true! Adam Lambert is interesting and quite the singer. He kind of looks like Elvis Presley. A few weeks ago his hair was slicked back and it was kind of eery. I like Danny Gokey best but there are lots of talented singers on there. Take care! Comment edited on: 4/8/2009 7:19:25 PM Report Inappropriate Comment

I did it!

Thursday, April 02, 2009

It's such a small accomplishment but it's mine!
According to Spark I am supposed to burn 2650 calories per week. I never make it, I always seem to fall short.

But I was adding up my 'burns' for the Lime Challenge (my week is Friday thru Thursday) and I did it - I met my mark with a few extra! I burned 2842 calories.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

H-2-OH 4/6/2009 11:48AM

That's great! Good for YOU! Report Inappropriate Comment

MERKDJM 4/4/2009 3:57AM

Way to go!!! You are a great success. Report Inappropriate Comment

NIKKILYNN528 4/3/2009 7:32PM

Oh my gosh Kelly that is awesome. You must feel great. I have no idea how many i am supposed to burn...eeek! hugs and great job!!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

JUST_IMAGINE 4/3/2009 11:03AM

YEAH KELLY! Way to go, dear friend!!! What a great feeling! Here's to you meeting your mark!! Hip Hip Hooray!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

LIVE_TO_LOVE 4/3/2009 9:19AM

That's NOT a small accomplishment! That's AWESOME!! Oh....! I think... YEP~ it's TRUE! Mr. Happy pants is DANCING for you! xo (me too!) Report Inappropriate Comment

SHAWNATONY 4/3/2009 6:42AM

Way.To.GO!!! thats HUGE! that is alot of calories girl!!!! :) love your lil WhooHoo pic! hapy Friday! Report Inappropriate Comment

BEVBLU 4/3/2009 12:39AM

Great Job! Report Inappropriate Comment

LOOKING_UP 4/2/2009 11:20PM

That's progress!! Way to go, Kelly!!!!!!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

MRS.LC 4/2/2009 10:47PM

GReat even if you are not on the RED team. If you don't mind helping me out "How do you how much you have burned?" I don't know how this works. Report Inappropriate Comment

How an 8 year old inspired me ....

Thursday, March 26, 2009

This is my son, he's 8 years old.

His feet are deformed and because of this his feet get tired and painful after walking or standing for long. He can usually go about 10 to 15 minutes walking in a store before he has to stop and rest his feet.

This morning I decided to do a new video (it was a Christmas gift from my hubby but I hadn't even opened it until today.) Son wanted to work out with me. About half way thru the video I was thinking about quitting but then I looked at my son, this little boy with deformed feet, though he had to stop a few times to rest his feet, he was determined to do it as long as he could. I looked at him and saw how he was giving it his all even though it caused pain in his feet and I just knew that I could not quit. If he can do it with painful feet, I can certainly make it all the way thru that video. He had to stop about 15 minutes from the end of the video but he sat there cheering me on. I finished it because he inspired me!

Inspiration can come in big ways and sometimes in small ways! Find something to inspire you and let it carry you thru your next workout!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHAWNATONY 4/3/2009 6:45AM

ah, Jelly- this is SOOO great!! and WOW look how he has grown! what wonderful motivation and an inspiration. and way to go on finishin!! Report Inappropriate Comment

LOOKING_UP 4/2/2009 11:26PM

I loved reading about your son, Kelly. He is an inspiration to us all. He is so beautiful and it touched my heart to hear how he kept going. I have a good image in my mind and it is precious!! His wonderful mom taught him to love and cheer and now he is showing you how well he learned! Way to go, Kelly!! You taught him well!!Thanks for sharing this beautiful moment with us. Report Inappropriate Comment

BECCA_BEE 4/1/2009 1:12AM

How sweet!! Kids are definately inspiring. They never stop to think they can't do something. They just do it! Thanks for sharing your beautiful moment!! Report Inappropriate Comment

JUST_IMAGINE 3/27/2009 2:31PM

Oh Kelly, What an adorable little boy! How absolutely beautiful, Kelly. What a precious child you have. I have tears in my eyes, and warmth in my heart. You are truly blessed, my dear friend. There is a message in here, for all of us! Thank you for sharing. Love to you, Casey Report Inappropriate Comment

MERKDJM 3/27/2009 1:40PM

Your son is truly an amazing child. Children are God's greatest gifts. Give him a big today. Report Inappropriate Comment

LIVE_TO_LOVE 3/27/2009 8:38AM

Kelly, you brought tears to my eyes this morning...! Our children are such a beautiful gift from God. You've got an angel in little Grayson! =] Katie has inspired me in adifferent way. She's given me a 2 week Biggest Loser challenge because she wants to feel and look better. Her back has been hurting...her ankles, etc, and she's too young for this! I am quite honest with her, and our family (especially brothers) can be brutally honest at times. I told her that if she wants to feel better, then she needs to cut out the junk and exercise more. I am happy to see her turning this into a positive motivation. It was just the boost I needed! God knows JUST what we need doesn't He? Yesterday, Katie and I were dancing, and she was trying to outdo me...she was hilarious, but it made ME work harder! I was only going to dance for 10 minutes, and I stuck it out for 20! Thank you for sharing , Kelly ~ you and Grayson and your sweet relationship bless me! Congrats on your 2 pound loss, my friend! Report Inappropriate Comment

NIKKILYNN528 3/26/2009 4:54PM

you said to find something that inspires me and allow that to get me through my next workout.....THIS is it. You and your son inspired me!!! hugs Kelly Report Inappropriate Comment

LAURIE_ANN 3/26/2009 4:41PM

What an amazing testimony! Love it and congratulations for finishing it!! Laurie Report Inappropriate Comment

LOGANDRYLSMOM 3/26/2009 3:46PM

awwwww... that is so SWEET!!! Report Inappropriate Comment