Wednesday, April 15, 2009
BRACE YOURSELF, THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY.!!!
1. I. can't. do. it. anymore.
2. I feel so alone.
3. I am disappointed in myself ... yet again.
4. I want to stop.
5. I want to quit.
6. It's not working for me anyway.
7. I don't know what to do anymore.
8. It's getting harder, not easier.
9. When does it become a lifestyle?
10. Why was I cursed with this body?
11. When do I get to look pretty?
12. When do I get to live in Onederland?
13. Why am I unable to get a grip?
14. There are days when I just hate ME! I look in the mirror and I feel disgusted with myself.
15. How did I ever allow myself to get like this?!!!
16. What do I do now?
17. Why do I feel like a yo-yo? I keep losing, gaining, losing, gaining the same few pounds over and over again!
18. I am so frustrated I honestly don't know where to go from here.
19. I want to just give up ---- repeats about 1000 times daily in my head.
20. When is it my turn to win?
This is where I am right now.
I'm exhausted, frustrated, disappointed, bitter and thoroughly disgusted with myself. My head has been filled with a lot of negative thoughts about myself for the last week. I have not danced, have not worked out, because the negativity was strong enough that I was able to just ignore any idea that I had about 'I should walk, I should do a video, I should at least dance''. Nope, that little devil in my head took it's pitchfork and kicked any good idea right outta there.
Yesterday I didn't even get out of bed. Embarrassing but true. I was in such a funk that I couldn't do anything. I laid in bed and watched the 'Sex and the City' movie ... twice ... before I finally hauled my big rear out of bed but that's all the effort I made. I didn't get dressed, didn't comb my hair. Nothing!
Today I got up, got dressed (had to take son to physical therapy) and caught my reflection in a mirror at the clinic and felt like crying. Yep, I was only a few tears away from having myself a pity party right then and there. Plus I noticed that I have gained weight in my face again. Dang it!!! I also got on the scale and wanted to throw it out the window! When we got home I decided to log in and see what's up with my sparkfriends and went to my friend Judy's blog. Like a thousand times before, she doesn't know it but she wrote that blog for me. lol! If JUDYCANDOTHIS, maybe I can hang on and try harder.
Told you it wasn't going to be pretty here today, I have been so full of self-anger, frustration and disappointment that I knew I needed a place to dump it before it really got a stronghold on me. That's one of the things about being an emotional eater. If you don't control it, it will control you!