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'3 Questions' blog ..... this could take a while!

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

LTC challenge, week #1. We are to answer 3 questions (from Bob Greene), we can blog them or answer them off-site. I prefer to blog and put it out there because I want to keep things real! I will be honest in my answers.

#1. Why are you overweight?

I have always been overweight. It's ironic that I was my mother's smallest baby, barely 6 lbs at birth, but I am also her only child with a weight problem. My sister has always been thin and beautiful. Both brothers are average weight like my dad and my mom was always thin.

On the last day of school in 6th grade, I came home from school to find my mother waiting on me. When I walked in the door, she told me to sit down so she could talk to me. My first thought was that someone in the family had died and I was about to get horrible news. Instead it wasn't someone else she wanted to discuss, it was Me. That was the first summer my mom put me on a diet, a ritual that would take place every summer until I graduated high school in 1981. My mom had no idea what a 'healthy' diet consisted of. She had never needed to know. She got ideas from other relatives or magazines. Tried this diet, tried that diet, tried a different diet ... yada yada yada (or should I say 'yoyo yoyo yoyo...' What it really boiled down to was, the rest of the family ate normal meals while I was left with iceberg lettuce salads, grapefruit juice (''supposed'' to burn fat) and various 'diet pills' or supplements that were on the market at that time. While they enjoyed desserts like ice cream cones and pies, I was given a Tab soda and an apple.

I felt cheated and like an outsider in my own family. Lucky for me, I also earned my own money as a babysitter. This was when I learned to eat in secret, I'd spend MY money on teen magazines and candy, chips and sodas. And I didn't eat them at home either, my neighborhood had several good places to 'hide out' at and that's where I'd go to eat my treats, sometimes I'd hop on my bike and ride up to the cemetery and eat there.

In the end, every attempt at 'dieting' at my mom's persistence failed. I'd lose a little weight here and there but basically I just learned how to eat in secret and got used to feeling ashamed when it came to eating. She did it from 'love' but she had no understanding that she was making things worse. She was setting me up for a lifetime of yoyo dieting.

There was also a lot of pressure from my older sister. She was the thin and pretty one, I wasn't. My sister treated me horribly, she was cruel, I'd even go so far as to say that my sister was verbally abusive to me and my parents allowed it. My dad didn't care and I think my mother had the mistaken idea that my sister's abuse could 'shame me into losing weight'. It had the opposite effect. I felt so alone in my shame, I felt like my mother was embarrassed to have a chubby daughter. I won't take up space here explaining how I knew that, let's just say I overheard things. When I was 15, my sister got married. I was her bridesmaid. The night before the wedding I overheard my sister and mom arguing about 'me' and my sister said she didn't even want me in her wedding because I was too fat. It hurt! I remember sneaking out of the house, went to a taco place and comforted myself with tacos. Food never yelled at me or called me names. I was never one to yell or argue or stand up for myself, I think my rebellion came in the form of ''aha look what I just ate and there's nothing you can do about it', I think it was my way of being 'in control'. It's no wonder so many women have eating disorders!

People looked at me as 'Don and Shirley's chubby daughter', one of my grandma's friends said in front of me ''she sure isn't pretty like her sister', one time my brother's friend introduced me to his girlfriend as 'Larry's fat sister'. You never like hearing it but you get used to it.

I know this has been the longest answer but it comes down to, the reason I am overweight is because I've always been. I don't know what life is like when you're thin, I've always been fat and in some twisted way, being fat is comfortable. If I'm no longer 'fat Kelly', than who am I?

#2. Why do you want to lose weight?

I am an honest person (some might say 'too honest' .. lol!). I like to keep things as real as possible. I will never be a size 6, I will never get to the perfect weight. Remember those charts in the doctor's offices that told you the exact weight you should be, mine was something like 105 lbs. emoticon I don't wear rose-colored glasses. I know that I will never be the 'perfect size' according to charts and magazines, etc. I just want to get to the perfect weight for ME. I mostly wear a 3X top and 26/28 pants. emoticon I believe I could be very happy if I could get to size 12/14. What I really want is to get to a size that is manageable, that allows me to breathe better. I want to FEEL better all the way around and if looking better would be the bonus factor! I would like to be able to look down and see my toes. I'd like to be able to go up stairs without feeling like I'm going to faint, I don't want to get 'winded' just from walking from the parking lot to the store. I want to 'fit' into booths at restaurants. I am tired of contant pain in my feet/ankles, hips, back and knees. I'd like to find clothes that fit more easily.

I want to feel healthier & look healthier. It'd be a bonus if I could get my blood pressure under control with diet and lifestyle changes and not have to take medication for it.

I want to be healthy.
I want to feel good.
I want to look good.
I want to know what 'thinner' feels like.

#3. Why haven't you been successful to date?

Truth? It's the most difficult process I've ever known. I knew it was going to be hard but I didn't know how hard it was really going to be. The first year was amazing for me. The pounds were dropping every week and I was on a HIGH! Then the first plateau hits and then another and panic sits in and before I knew it, I began having doubts and it became too difficult to keep positive, too hard to keep fighting, and old habits are very very easy to fall back into.

I never believed that a person could lose 100+ pounds. I would see someone as big as me and think 'I'm sorry you're feeling what I'm feeling'. I didn't think losing that much weight was a possibility. I would see on shows like 'Oprah', she'd have someone on who lost 200 lbs and I would laugh and turn the channel, I didn't believe it. It was fake in my eyes. I thought ''oh yeah, right''. I didn't believe it, until I came here and saw so many people had actually accomplished it. It both scared and fascinated me.

Fear began to sit in when I saw several of the ones who had inspired me began gaining weight back. I thought ''if they couldn't keep it off, there's no way I can''. Scary!

What I need to learn is what to do when you hit the plateaus, how to handle them, how to keep yourself from gaining back all the pounds you worked so hard to lose.

I want to find out for myself what successful feels like!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    I am so sorry, Kelly, that you were subjected to such cruelty from your own family. That you have become such a loving, honest person is amazing. Thank you for talking about how others' regression affected you and caused you to fear, because it puts me in my place. Sometimes I think, "What the heck! I might as well just get a pizza, a box of chocolates, and a six pack of wine coolers and call it a life!" I can't give up because to do so would cause others to lose faith. Faith is what it takes, Kelly. With faith, you can do anything! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JETTANALA 6/9/2011 1:46AM


Congratulations on getting all of this hurt out in the open... this is a big step.. When I first came here it was Dec 2007 and I thought I was the biggest I could ever get... I was desperate... and do you know what? I don't remember exactly how you and I met, but you were one of the very first people I found that had success. I was very motivated by your story and wanted to befriend you because I could learn from you. And I did... and I watched you struggle because you plateaud... I was on a constant lose pattern for quite a while. I remember when I sent you a note you said something like..." you will love it here, people are really friendly, stop by my page anytime, I ususally spark on Tuesdays" something like that... well... that wasn't good enough for me.. I wanted you to be on more.. and eventually you were!

We have gone up and down together... I disappeared for awhile and had yet another setback... I was one of the ones you probably saw regain their loss...

Well, I am OLDER and wiser now.. and this time, you and I are going to do the work... ALL of it... the hard stuff... the mental stuff... and Nikki is too... (she has the good ideas for the challenges) and we will figure this out.

The plateaus happen when our bodies fall into a routine... I have learned this.. we need to keep it guessing and we need to stoke the metabolism fire...

I know I have talked about this book over and over... but here goes again... it will be the best $12 you ever spent. Ultra Metabolism by Dr. Mark Hyman... I have seen it at Target. It is very very very interesting, well written and has short quizzes you take that make you learn more about you...

You are more motivated than I have ever seen you... so give yourself the gift of reading this book... It is a shorter read than it looks because the back is recipes and eating plans... I don't follow the plan but I have learned so much and parts of the meals are incorporated in what I do...

Thank you so much for writing this blog from the depths of your bruised little heart... you can now begin to put it behind you as history that will no longer affect your "today"

much love,

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SHANSHE 6/9/2011 1:40AM

    Kelly, i am so proud of you for digging up some of your painful past and putting it out here for us to see. I know it was hard and I hope you are proud of yourself for being so honest. I related to sooo much of this blog.

I wish I could come hug you too... but you are going to be loving that inner child that has been so hurt over the years and you are going to help her feel loved and accepted just the way she is, so that she can get where she wants to be. You will be successful.


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  Kelly...What can a person who loves you say to all this that will express what they are truly feeling after hearing about the things you have endured?
If I could I would drive over and hug you.

The people that shamed you should be ashamed. I am so sorry that you went through these things. I relate. I have heard some of the same things. It hurts though, to know that someone so kindhearted like you ever had to hear those things or feel that kind of hurt.

I think what you said about learning what to do when you hit a plateau is huge.
I think we all need to learn that. It is the hardest part that I have ever been faced with. I have failed too. Maybe we can find the answer together?

love you.

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WILLBSKINNY2 6/8/2011 9:33PM

    Anyone who reads this will relate. I lost last summer, but gained some back, so here I am again.Sometimes my mom thinks she's helping, but the subtle criticism hurts. I wear baggy clothes, too, to hide what's underneath. We are here doing something about it. Your messages on your page are very inspiring. We support one another in this effort to improve for our many reasons. Keep at it! We'll get there! emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/8/2011 9:34:26 PM

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Dear Me .... (Pre-challenge ITC)

Monday, June 06, 2011

Winter is just a memory and spring is near the end, summer is about to start! Sorry I wasted so much time when I should have been paying more attention to you, giving you the love and nurturing that you deserve. Seems that I have often put your needs behind the needs of everyone else in your life. You're busy, I get it, life doesn't care what it is that keeps you up at night, or the darts that life seems to shoot at you from all directions. Life doesn't care but I do.

I care that you get enough sleep, enough exercise, enough healthy foods to nurture you thru the storms of life. I care that you are not forgotten in the mix of things and that you show yourself some self-love and 'atta girls' and a pat on the back now then. You deserve that! I'm sorry I have spent so much of my time all these years ignoring you instead of listening and responding in a positive and healthy way.

Now begins the summer challenge! Naturally I hope to lose weight but even more so I hope to get tuned in to YOU. To let you know every day that I'm happy my body still works. I'm grateful that you've carried all this weight for me and allowed me to still walk and breathe on my own. You've done all you can and now it's my turn to take care of you!

At the end of this challenge I hope that you and I have become BFF's, that we trust each other and that we aren't afraid to show love and devotion to US. We are worth it!

See you in 11 weeks!



My mantra for this challenge:
''I must lose the weight
before it is too late''

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIVE_TO_LOVE 6/8/2011 9:20PM


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LOOKING_UP 6/7/2011 6:47PM

    So good to embrace ourselves and love ourselves just as we are. You are being the best friend you can and I have a feeling it's going to be returned. Love yourself well, Kelly!!!

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SHANSHE 6/7/2011 5:42PM

    GREAT blog Kelly!!! You are so awesome!

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GINGER_LOSTALOT 6/7/2011 10:01AM

    It shows strength and courage to apologize, especially to ourselves! Once we acknowledge what we neglected or abused, we must endeavor to treat ourselves with more respect and consideration. Think about it: if we neglected a friend, then apologized, then kept neglecting her, what would our friend do? The addage goes: "Treat others as you would want others to treat you." I say: "Treat yourself as you treat others." emoticon

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MAINLADY 6/7/2011 8:38AM

    Hi Kelly....what a nice letter you have written to yourself. In times of stress, read it over and over until you have it memorized and can pull it to the forefront whenever you need it. Being your BFF is the best thing you can do for you.


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JETTANALA 6/7/2011 2:57AM

    you are lucky to have a new BFF Kelly!

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  Beautiful! Nice seeing you be the kind of friend to yourself that you are to everyone else. love you

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BDRFLI-TREKS 6/6/2011 11:35PM

    Such a sweet note to your best friend!

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Joplin is only about an hour away from where I live.
My sis-in-laws aunt and uncle live there, they were victims of the tornado. The aunt was dug out of the rubble at 4 a.m. the day after but the uncle died and his body was found on the 2nd day. One of my young cousins knew a boy from Joplin, his body was found today.

It's so close to home and everyone feels the loss. It's so horrible!
There are still so many people missing, please keep everyone involved in your prayers.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHANSHE 5/27/2011 8:36PM

    WOW... the devastations IS horrible!! I have been praying and will continue, did not know you were that close to there...

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ANGIEUKFAN07 5/26/2011 5:25PM

    The devastation is horrific. I've been praying for all affected and I'm so sorry for your sis in law's loss.

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He got his angel wings ...

Friday, May 06, 2011

Yesterday I asked for prayers for my cousin's baby boy who was born with a horrible illness, Baby K, died peacefully in his mother's arms at 4:10 p.m. this afternoon. He did not make it to his first birthday.

Thank you all for the prayers!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SINCEKINDER 5/10/2011 10:56PM

    I'm sorry for your loss.

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GOODHEALTH4EVER 5/10/2011 3:21AM

emoticon RETT

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Comment edited on: 5/10/2011 2:54:57 AM

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LIVE_TO_LOVE 5/7/2011 2:09PM

    I'm so sorry, Kelly....
He was was surrounded by lots of love while he was here.

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SHANSHE 5/6/2011 10:19PM

    I am so sorry for your loss...

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ELSCO55 5/6/2011 10:04PM

    emoticonThe Lord has him in his arms now. I am praying for your family.

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Thursday, May 05, 2011

To my sparkfriends,

My cousin has a beautiful little boy who is just a few weeks shy of his 1st birthday. He was born with a terrible illness and has only a short time left in this world, probably a matter of hours. Soon he will get his angel wings and fly into the hands of his Heavenly Father.

His parents are having a very difficult time and they very much need to be lifted up in prayer. He is surrounded by his loving parents, grandparents and special people in their lives.

Thank you for praying for them!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


  You know I am already with you.....

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    I am praying for them.

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RAINBOWMF 5/6/2011 2:21AM


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SHANSHE 5/6/2011 12:15AM

    Heavenly Father,
Please comfort this family in their time of hurt and grief, they need your arms around them.
In Jesus Name,

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CATHYJR73 5/5/2011 9:30PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonWe will pray for your family!!!

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BABYCAKES1984 5/5/2011 9:29PM

    Bless you and your family! He will be an Angel. God Bless all of you. Prayers for comfort and peace to you.

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  God Bless.

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SINDER3LLA07 5/5/2011 9:16PM

    You got it!

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