Thursday, December 12, 2013
I wrote a blog post about the miscarriage, but I don't think I'm going to post it. It was good for me to write it out, an exercise I've done since I was a little girl. I wrote about it, and now the story is out of me, and I feel ready to move forward a little bit more every day.
I will say that it was much more dramatic than I had expected. When I miscarried at around 5 weeks, it just felt like a slightly heavier, slightly crampier period. Miscarrying at 12 weeks is a whole different animal. After being in severe pain all day, pain that a Percoset prescription didn't touch, Jason took me to the ER, where I praised the staff who got me in and hooked me up to a Dilaudid IV within 20 minutes. A miracle. I even wrote the hospital administration an email telling them how great everyone was.
I think the experience scared Jason pretty badly - I couldn't talk, I couldn't do anything except moan. It's made me rethink whether I'm really going to have a hippie no medication birth after all.
It feels monumentally unfair that I went through the first trimester and essentially experienced labor, and in the end we're left with nothing.
Still, we're moving forward. It's put a bit of a damper on the holidays. I've been moody, as Jason will tell you. Tears are right under the surface for the entirety of my days. Not just sad tears, though. As we move toward Christmas, every hokey attempt at sentimentalism that in past years I might have been able to ignore has been making me well up and think, "That's just so lovely!"
So if you see me crying, it's not necessarily a bad thing.
We got a Christmas tree and decorated it, and that helped. Jason filled the house with poinsettias like he does every year, and I pulled out my stuffed snowmen and teddy bears dressed in Victorian Christmas garb (they're adorable!), and that helped. A couple of days ago, I felt like myself for the first time in ages.
We're moving forward and we'll keep trying, because it would be nice to have a child or two to share this life with.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
I haven't written anything very substantive on my blogs for a little while now because I've been preoccupied. I've been waiting until an appropriate time to share some news here, and in the meantime I've been drafting posts about what's been going on to post once I could talk about it.
But now there's nothing really to share except this: I'm waiting to have a miscarriage.
I've written a bit about our struggles to have a baby. As of next January, we will have been trying for 3 years. We've been to doctors and the problem has been figured out and essentially fixed, so we've only been really trying with everything working well for about 8 months or so.
In September we planned to do an IUI at the fertility clinic, only it seemed like I never ovulated, which is weird since I'm like clockwork. Imagine my surprise a few weeks later when I got two positive pregnancy tests. After all of the doctors and appointments and everything, we had done it on our own!
For the last month I've been experiencing pregnancy symptoms - all-day nausea, bloating, gas, sore boobs. These things were irritating on one hand, and exciting on the other, because it meant I was growing a baby.
Thursday night, Jason and I went to the hospital for my first ultrasound. I was 9 1/2 weeks pregnant, so we expected to see our teeny baby for the first time and to hopefully hear its heartbeat. Instead, there was nothing. A yolk sac, indicating that things had started out well, but no baby. The fetus never grew.
The technician couldn't tell us what it meant, because that's not her place, but it was clear from her face, and painfully obvious that there was just no baby.
We left the hospital devastated. At 9 1/2 weeks, I had already imagined telling family and friends in a few weeks. I was so excited to be able to share this right before Christmas. Based on the conception date, baby would have arrived around June 15, which meant having the summer to spend together. I envisioned possibly, once I got coordinated enough, taking baby to sit on the beach with me. We have had a dramatic shift in how we envisioned the next 8 months (and after) since Thursday night.
As much as I would like to close the chapter and have it end immediately, I'm just going to let nature take its course, which could take a couple of weeks. I spoke to my doctor on Friday afternoon and she was so kind. She even gave me her cell phone number in case I need to talk. I feel good about choosing her as my OB even though we've only interacted a couple of times.
Jason was emailing with a friend on Friday, and it must have been on his mind because she's expecting a baby, and so he told her. It turns out the same thing happened to her and her husband. She went in for the ultrasound at 9 weeks, and nothing was there. I honestly didn't know this was even a possibility. I thought if there was something wrong like that, surely you miscarried much sooner than almost 10 weeks. I can't say that I'm glad it happened to her too, because it's terrible, but it's nice to feel not so alone.
Which is really why I am writing about this. The more I talk about fertility issues, the more I realize we have lots of friends who have also struggled with having a baby. And the more we discuss miscarriage, the more friends we realize have also dealt with this. No one talks about these things, because they are personal and the hurt is deep, but it's nice to know we're not alone. Knowing there's a friend I can email when I am sad or if things get hard over the next couple of weeks who knows what I am feeling, is really a comfort to me.
I'm supposed to be 10 weeks today, but I'm just waiting for it to end. We're going to try again, of course, but today we are sad.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I have a bone to pick with Target. A few years ago I discovered their black tights in a roll, which gave me cheap, comfortable tights to wear in the winter with a waist band that landed somewhere near my belly button (versus right under my chest like most tights).
Only, the last time I bought a pair, the size I bought before (and still wear) suddenly was WAY too small. OK, fine, I've gained some weight. I can go up a size. Last night I bought 2 pairs of the next size up, only to discover this morning that they are both too small. Well, one I could yank on after some effort, but there is no way the other pair is going to fit unless I lose about 40 pounds. This is the size that's supposed to fit up to 5'11" and 230 pounds. I call major shenanigans!
If I didn't still have a couple of pairs from past years that fit perfectly fine, in the smaller size, I would probably be really depressed and bemoaning my state of fatness. Instead I'm just irritated at Target. I thought everyone was complaining about size inflation lately, but Target seems to be going to other way, at least in its tights.
Now I have to find a new source for a winter staple. Sigh.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Blog with pictures that I don't feel like uploading again onto here: kellyim10.blogspot.com/2013/09/obses
Thursday, September 19, 2013
I've been feeling down on myself because I haven't done as much as I wanted to with regard to my September challenges, but I think I need to cut myself a little slack. So I still have 19,200 yards to swim this month. On the other hand, I swam 5 miles last week, including a 3000 yard workout on Saturday.
I haven't been keeping up with ALL of the prescribed workouts with my challenge group and I'm in last place, but I have done a few of the workouts and challenges and I've also been kayaking and boogie boarding the last couple of weekends.
The point is, I'm not meeting all of the goals I set this month, but all told I'm still being pretty active.
This is also taking into consideration that since last Saturday my right shoulder has been really aching. My arms and chest are no longer sore from the boogie boarding, but the shoulder pain is lingering. Sometimes my shoulder bugs me if I ramp up the swimming too fast, so I think I just need to let it rest for a bit. Rebecca and I are swimming tomorrow morning and I have a feeling I'll need to rely heavily on kicking drills to get my yards in. Good thing I'm a strong kicker!
We were supposed to swim yesterday morning, but I got a mini-flu on Tuesday night thanks to the flu shot I got Tuesday morning. I was absolutely fine all day until about 8 PM, when suddenly I couldn't walk straight and my eyes started burning like they did when I had the real flu in February, along with a solid fever. My temperature got up to 101 on Tuesday night and I wound up not going into work until noon yesterday. I had better not get the flu this year after that! Antibodies, do your job!
So, not where I wanted to be as of September 19, but not terrible either. September, I'll give you a "Not So Bad."
Get An Email Alert Each Time KELLYIM Posts