Friday, February 22, 2013
So I finally hit the big 20lbs-lost mark today. I am now back to being the heaviest I ever was 3 years ago, which is a super depressing way to look at it. So i'm not looking at it that way. I'm looking at it like I just lost 20lbs in 8 weeks. Good for me! I did a little dance in the bathroom this morning when I got off the scale. I was so relieved because I worked so hard this week. And especially after yesterday's visit to Lane Bryant to try and find jeans (Which was particularly depressing), I was proud of myself. I also lost 2 inches from my thighs and an inch from my arms. Nothing on my waist yet, but I fear my original measurement was off...either way...Good stuff all around.
I must confess, I worked so hard before the baby was born to get back down to a size 16 that now that I've gained all this weight, I was refusing to buy any new pants because I had all these barely used size 16s at home. So I've been wearing my maternity (or eternity according to my husband) pants and jeans until I could get back into my 16s. Well, its so sad, but I've actually worn my maternity jeans into holes in the thighs. So depressing. So it looks like I need to buy at least one pair of jeans that will fit me for now. I saw Lane Bryant had a sale going on where you try on a pair of pants and get $20 off just for trying them on. So I thought, ok, I'll give it a shot. So I tried on 6 or 7 different cuts and sizes and found that in their jeans I am inbetween an 18 & a 20. And they don't carry talls in the store I went to, so even if I'd found a good pair I was happy with, it didn't matter they still all looked like High-waters. Just staring at my gut in the dressing room mirror for the mere ten minutes I was in there was enough to take my pleasant mood into a nose dive of self hatred. Why did I let myself get this way? How could I possibly ever feel good about my shape? Etc, etc...Blech.
But I tried to let that motivate me even more and I guess it didn't hurt because I worked my butt off at kickboxing last night and managed to lose 2 1/2lbs putting me at the 20lb mark. So yey for that. I think the best solution for all of this is to just put mirrors on every possible surface of my house and walk around naked so I can't escape my frightening image.
Yeah, probably not...but we'll see. Only 52 more Pounds to go and 140 days to do it...
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
I have been in the worst state of mind the last few days. I did pretty bad over the weekend. Only got to do about 20 minutes of exercise on Sunday cause the baby woke up before I could finish my video. Saturday night we wound up ordering pizza and I ate half of one. It was Dominos, so their slices aren't the ginormous kind, but its still half of a pizza. I guess I was just in such a yuck mood I figured I deserved it. The Babes started walking recently and now she suddenly wants nothing to do with her pureed baby food anymore. She wants finger food. Which is all fine and dandy, but she's only got 6 teeth, there's only so much I can give her. And I'm trying to give her healthy things to try but so far all she consistently eats is cucumber and mozzarella cheese. We've tried baked cubed sweet potatoes and peas and tomato and avacado (which to be fair, she ate a tiny bit of i think because the coloring was close to a pickle). Also tried meatballs and noodles, cheerios, baby ravioli, chopped up cereal bars. Nothing. I know I just have to keep on trying but its frustrating when she's throwing her hands up as I'm trying to come at her with a spoon full of pureed anything and its going all over the place. And she's been so whiny! It really just sucks up any possible good mood you're in. I have to keep reminding myself that she's a baby and this will pass and she can't speak yet so all she can do is cry. But as any mom knows, it gets exhausting.
So yes, I'm blaming my daughter for my lack of will power over the weekend. I know its really my fault, but clearly when I'm stressed, I eat. Then yesterday I wound up making cookies for my girlfriend who is pregnant and of course I ate a bunch of them because my will power was still so weak. I've had a terrible sweet tooth lately. Not sure what that's about. I did get to do 45 minutes of weight training, but I'm pretty confident that the amount of cookies that went down my throat completely negated that. Then I saw myself in the mirror on my closet door. It sounds weird, but really, how often do you get to see yourself in a full length mirror? I get ready in the morning in the bathroom and the mirrors in there only go down to my chest. And the other mirror in my bedroom is attached to my dresser and I don't often see that one because of the angle that its facing. But while I was chasing my daughter around my bed yesterday, I wound up opening my bedroom closet to grab something and she's very fascinated with mirrors, so I left it open for her for a little while. Then I went and sat down on the bed behind her and just stared at myself all hunched over and gross in the mirror. It's like there's a disconnect between what I actually look like and what I think I look like. I sat there and I tried all different sitting positions trying to be as posture perfect as I could and I still had all these rolls. It was like, WOW, that's really what I look like? How depressing. Then I went and made cookies. I wanted to smack myself. That's why you look like that, stupid.
So needless to say haven't been in the best frame of mind this week so far. I'm trying to get out of this funk, but its hard. I only have 157 days left. That's scary close to 150, which is super close to 100, which is like nothing. Its like I'm waiting to fail. But I keep telling myself that its not an option this time. But I can't help but wait for it. Ugh, I need to find some inspiration, big time. I'm gonna work on that...
Friday, February 01, 2013
I lost 2.4lbs this week. I'm very happy with that. I think taking a break last weekend was a good idea. I tried hard to stay within my allotted calories each day and I changed one 30 minute workout to a 45. So, in general not too many big changes, so it wasn't toooooo hard. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy. But I did it and I'm patting myself on the back for that. Only 4 more pounds and i'll be at the twenty pound mark. I promised myself a treat for that. Not sure what yet, but something awesome.
My goal for this week is to eat more fiber. I also bought some ground flaxseed that I have yet to try in anything. I've heard that has good healthy things about it. I'll have to do a recipe search later. Looking back on it, I think this feels so hard this time around because the last time I dropped thirty some odd pounds, the doctor had just diagnosed me with Pre-Diabetes and she thought that putting me on this awful medicine Metphormin would help me. I was never once told to check my blood sugar, just take this medicine. (I know, that doesn't make a lot of sense, needless to say I don't see her anymore.) But, anyway, the Metphormin was actually the biggest aid in me dropping the weight because it upset my stomach so much that I never pooed so much in my life. (Sorry to be TMI) So obviously I lost a bunch of weight real fast, I couldn't keep anything in my stomach for more than a few hours. I have to keep reminding myself that every time I get on the scale, that before I had unrealistic results because of the medicine.
This time, though I'm going to do it the right way. Not with medicine. (Especially since I have a child now, I don't have time to spend all day in the can!) I did however, try a Full Bar yesterday. Its supposed to fill you up so that you eat less at the next meal. It seemed to work, I guess. Tasted pretty gross, like I was chewing on chocolate coated cardboard, but I'll give it another shot I guess. I've heard they have gummies too, I think I may look into that instead. I think that this could be helpful for after lunch. I usually tend to do the most damage between lunch and dinner, so if I feel fuller after lunch then maybe it won't be so difficult to make it to dinner. We'll see.
161 days to go....
Monday, January 28, 2013
I took the weekend off. I didn't go nuts, I just didn't track my food and I ate whatever I wanted. Once again, I wasn't sitting around eating bon bons all day, I just ate til I was full. I also had to make cookies for my Aunt's birthday, so I sampled a few of those as well. They were wonderful. I had a coke on Saturday with my lunch. And I made pancakes for breakfast on Sunday. I did walk 3 miles yesterday, so that's something. I'm getting back on the horse today. I don't feel so terribly guilty about my break because I didn't quit. I just took a break. Maybe that will be my best realization on this whole journey. Take a break from time to time. Don't quit.
I think today I'm also going to try and remember to take my measurements. I've been on Spark People three separate times now and I've never used that tracking function. I'm not sure why, I guess I just never thought about it. I'm hoping that if I start keeping track of inches lost as well as pounds I will be able to stay motivated on weeks when I only lose a pound or less. So that's my goal for the day.
As I sit here and look at the calendar, I'm getting antsy seeing that it's been almost a full month since I started this. I guess I'm nervous because that means I only have five and a half months left. 165 days to my goal. I can't help it, I'm so scared of disappointing myself. I know the world won't end and I know that even if I don't quite reach my goal by my birthday, all the weight I did lose isn't going to magically pile back on me, I just want to know what it feels like to truly succeed in something that I've set my mind to. Don't get me wrong, I set goals all the time and I almost always get there, but not always as quickly as I set out to.
But I feel like if I can finally conquer this thing I've been fighting against since I was eleven years old, then anything else I come up against will be like a piece of cake. Red velvet. With fluffy cream cheese icing. And a tall glass of milk...man, I'm hungry.
Sorry, what was I saying?
Friday, January 25, 2013
So I only lost 1 pound this week. I can already feel the disappointment setting in. Especially after such a strong first couple of weeks. I know, I know, a pound is still something. But compared to how hard I tried all week, it feels like nothing. Don't get me wrong I wasn't expecting another 4 lb week, but I was kind of hoping for 2.... Sigh. Mental slap in the face. I need to snap out of it and suck it up. This is what would get me off track in the past. I'd have a week where i wouldn't loose anything and then I'd fee sorry for myself and pig out and then I wouldn't even bother weighing myself the next week cause I was nervous I had gained some back. And then I'd just revert back to my old habits. I can't do that this time. I have no choice.
So I'm going to tell myself that I only lost 1 because I'm building all this muscle. Probably....Yeah sure. Sounds good. In hind sight I guess I was a little liberal with my calorie intake this week. Nothing off the charts, don't get me wrong, but maybe 3 or 4 out of the past 7 days I went over my limit by maybe 200 calories... So I guess this week I need to keep a better eye on that. I'm also going to try to do 2 kickboxing classes and 2 45 minute at home work outs and 2 30s...
Did I mention I had my period all week? That's another good excuse. Yeah, I like that one, except that it's drawing to a close today so I figured the bloating I thought I had last week would have accounted for at least an extra pound this week. Not so. What I think is funny is that the last couple weeks I wound up finding an excuse to make cookies for people and I lost more weight then than this past week when I made no cookies. I'm just sayin....
168 days to go....
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