Wednesday, November 06, 2013
I don't even know where to start.
I've tried to write this blog a dozen times over the past several months, each time no easier than the time before.
I've noticed the absence of some of my Spark friends in the past and I've wondered what happened to them. Some I know are active on other sites or Facebook. Some have gotten their weight and lives under control and don't need the support Sparkpeople provides. Some I have no idea where they went or what happened to them. One friend was in an abusive relationship and I can't help but wonder... Another friend, a new mother, died. Some, like myself simply get busy, and life happens.
Well... I'm back.
I'm back, but I'm not the same person I was when I went AWOL.
On August 21st, eleven weeks ago today, I lost the love of my life. I lost my best friend and partner in crime. My boyfriend of just over 10 years was killed in a motorcycle accident. Mark was traveling home after taking a ride on a beautiful, hot afternoon, when the driver of a pick up truck made a left turn in front of him. I don't know if the driver simply did not look, or if he just thought he had time to make the turn, but whatever happened, his left turn changed my life forever.
I'm not looking for sympathy or advice, and I'm not entirely ready to answer questions regarding Mark's accident. The reason for my blog is to give a partial explanation for my absence. If you're a believer, I could use your prayers. If you're a hater, just avoid me - I've been through enough.
I don't believe that "time heals." I do believe that I'll adjust.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
After having been at a frustrating, unexplainable standstill in my weight [I take that back, I think I gained] for the past 9 weeks, despite having a trainer and eating well, I have actually lost some weight!
On Sunday I was down 2.6# from the previous week, which was the same weight eight weeks earler. I was estatic, to say the least. Relieved.
I know it seems silly, but it matters. I can't help it. It's just a number.... I know. But it's too high of a number and it needs to go down if I'm ever to get to a healthy weight.
My measurements showed progress too, and that too gives me more motivation. Progress is good!
The difference? I'm working with a personal trainer once a week and that's a big part because it makes me *have* to be accountable once a week. The difference though is that I'm USING the equipment that I have at home: elliptical, TRX, BOSU, free weights. Apparently simply owing it doesn't quite cut it - you must *use* it... go figure.
The difference? I was eating well, but now I'm eating better. Eating clean. I'm tracking my food and fitness. Tracking everything I plan to eat throughout the day - PLAN being the key word - makes me and keeps me well aware of my nutrition and where I need to step it up [or back off] during the day. I find that I don't eat mindlessly or binge when I have a plan. I know that I'm going to eat breakfast around 7, have my Snack 1 about 9:30, Lunch at noon, Snack 2 between 2:30 and 4... and Dinner. I also know if I've planned accurately, I can have a Bedtime Snack, that will consist of fresh fruit or a frozen protein shake, depending on how my macronutrients looks. It really breaks into 5 or 6 small meals throughout the day, but shhhh.. my mind thinks I'm snacking, so we're going to leave well enough alone.
Another difference? I'm giving "it" a chance. In another lifetime, if I had put so much effort into something and not seen any results in 9 weeks, I would have said forget it. This is a process and I have to give it some time in order to see the progress. I see progress when I reach for my file cabinet handle and see a more defined bicep.
ha! Loving THAT!
Once again, my level of daily, ongoing pain is reduced to just about nothing. This is where the little voice on my shoulder utters and clear and resounding "duh..." Been there and done that... why is it so difficult to remember something so basic. Eating clean and moving does it every time. Sure, I have some pain. I may always have pain, but there are things I can control that helps keep it from getting entirely out of control.
As I plopped my purse onto my car seat this morning, my wallet happened to open up. Inside my checkbook was a yellow sticky-note it. On it, a few years ago I had written:
"We can't control the length of our life, but we can control the depth and width." Unknown
Isn't that the truth?
The difference? Controlling the the depth and width of my life.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
I am enjoying a rare morning - that of having the house to myself [well...besides the cat and the dog, who hardly count because, Thank the Good Lord - they don't have poseable thumbs therefore making it impossible for them to use and/or constantly change the channels on the tv.]
This is where Mark would say, "tell me how you really feel..." ha.
Anyway, on this rare Sunday morning I am enjoying a cup of coffee outside in my back yard, in the peace and quiet that includes no invasion from the television, but rather the birds and the squirrels and the cicadas (not sure I spelled that right). It's grand.
After having the best week I've had in ages, and feeling like I am actually looking better... I decided to take my measurements. I had no expectations of what they might be. I haven't taken my measurements since January 22 and at that point I had lost 8 pounds and a few inches since January 2nd. Had I only stuck with doing whatever it was I was doing... but I didn't; and so it really doesn't matter except to learn from it. What matters is what I do today and tomorrow, and the day after that, and that day after that. What matters is that I make a plan - Plan my Work and Work my Plan.
So I took my measurements and weighed myself.
I am up 6.8 pounds from January 22nd, but interestingly enough, my measurements are very similar I entered them on the SP tracker. I'm sure this is due to working with a personal trainer once each week for the past 8 weeks, and on my own as well. Had I kicked it into gear 8 weeks ago like I did this past week, I can't even imagine what my progress would have been. Again, it doesn't matter except that I learn from it. But I DO need to imagine what my progress might have been. I do. Not to dwell on what might have been, but rather what is possible. And it IS possible.
Clothes that I could barely get into 4 or 5 weeks ago are fitting more comfortably. I can get on the Harley without my back "coming undone" - and that's big, because I was making all sorts of excuses as to why I couldn't go with Mark; hardly fair to him or myself. I can't get into last summer's riding jeans - YET, but I will by the end of August. I need to put those jean on a hanger and leave them out... imagine.
I'm pleased that I took my measurements; it shows I'm making progress. :) The truths that measurements tell? It's not so bad after all.
Today is my planned rest day - sort of. Besides the normal weekend work of laundry and such, I need to shop and prepare some things ahead for my weeks' nutrition and I need to change it up a bit so I don't get burned out on the same thing day in, and day out. I did enjoy my salads all week [check out my tracker] but it also got tiring. I'm thinking I'll throw some shrimp into the plan this week, alternating it between my meal and snack protein. Maybe I'll change the chicken up by making up a crock pot of salsa chicken, which is super good and freezes nicely. I might even be able to get Mark to eat that if I turn it into tacos or burritos one night.
I have mixed feelings about a "rest day" because I know myself so well. What if I don't "get started" again? It's happened time after time, year after year. But do I have an appt. tomorrow with my personal trainer, so I know that won't happen. I'll get up tomorrow morning and get on the elliptical for no less than 15 minutes, hop on the BOSU ball, and use my TRX. I think I'll even break out my exercise ball and throw that into the mix. I know I need a rest day though... yesterdays' workoutS worked alot of of muscles and I'm feeling them - in that good, oooo that hurts, sort of sick way. That make me giggle. I used to cringe because of my pain [and I still do, believe me] but today I'm embracing and appreciating it. Funny how that works.
EMBRACE your inner awesome!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Today marks the 8th day [in a row] I've gotten on my elliptical for at least 15 minutes. It's the 8th day in a row that I've made the choice to get my fanny out of bed, and bypassing that comfy couch I SO love to nap on while Mark is getting ready for work, made my way to my santuary and moved my body.
It started last Saturday by going to the pool for a 60 minute aqua fit class first, but once I got home I promptly made my way through the house, jumped on the elliptical for a tough 30 minute program, and followed it up with some BOSU Ball, TRX and stretching. I felt amazing all day... I remember that feeling. Why do we let ourselves backslide and fall back into old, bad habits?
All week I managed to work my program, I ate really clean and I MOVED. I felt great all week. I've consumed at least 100 oz. of water each day, 24 of them before 6:30 a.m. most mornings. All week I tried to focus on keeping my core engaged. It's made a difference.
The dark cloud that had settled over me has lifted for the most part. This is good.
I've logged my food and fitness more often lately and it feels good to once again have that awareness that tracking creates.
I'm thinkin that makes me a Streaker!!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
. . . . or NOT!
I'm not doing myself any favors by making excuses for anything.
Neither are you.
Whether the excuses are in regards to exercise, nutrition, hydration, your relationships, your job - they don't cut it.
I've been making excuses again. We bought a new 55" flat screen tv with surround sound and we had to re-arrange furniture. I made the choice (me - I) to move my elliptical from the front room to the back (sun) room to make more space; to make the room more usable. I moved it (by myself) to the sun room - the very same room that is/was to become my workout room. And there it sits, surrounded by numerous boxes and the big ole box tv. It would only take me a couple of hours to clean and re-arrange that room. So why do I keep choosing to make excuses to not do it?
I forgot my water bottle a couple times last week, so I didn't drink much water at work those days. I could have drank my water out of my coffee cup, but that would have been much less convenient than using my 28 oz. camel bak bottle. So I went without. Yeah. Real smart.
I forgot my lunch yesterday of homemade Southwest Chicken and blackbean soup, so we took that as a "sign" because afterall, it was Wednesday and that meant russian soup at Mandarin Garden - so we ordered Chinese. Yum. And then it went right through me. Yuk.
My boyfriend is a great cook. He loves beef and pork. And potatoes. And beer. And so I tend to eat (in moderation) what he cooks, because well..... he cooked and he's a great cook. I can't really say, "hey, any thoughts about dinner?" and then tell him "oh, I don't want *thaaaat* - *thaaat* isn't on my eating plan." I asked him. If I'm not going to like the answer I guess I shouldn't ask the question. Last Friday night he brought home a huge, thick ribeye steak. He did heed my suggestion that he only get one, as I have been trying to avoid eating so much meat. He happily shared the four nickel sized pieces I asked for. Last night I had a hair appt. so when I asked about dinner, he said he'd figure it out. I came home to liver and onions, baked potatoes and sweet peas - - a former favorite of mine. but most definitely on the "avoid" list when eating for my blood type. And then I chose to let Mark put my food on my plate. That was my first mistake. Eating it all was the next one. It tasted yummy, but made me super nauseous. More yuk.
I frustrate myself almost as much as other people frustrate me. How ridiculous is that?
So this is it. I've taken a few steps back, along with a few deep breaths and I've assessed how my Choices are affecting my Ultimate Outcome.
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