Wednesday, August 27, 2014
..... i have said to myself many times when I know better but I do it anyway.
It was a fine Wednesday morning, yeah a little worried about dad but he'll be fine and I had my emotions in check and I felt like it was going to be a productive day at work.
I bought a little bag of chocolate covered raisins in the cafeteria early this morning for a snack for later. I had a chocolate craving and it was a smart portion. I have this under control. I'm not feeling emotional, just have a taste for a little chocolate.
And then it happened, our boss came in with a large bakery box full of delicious treats for his birthday, which we do not normally do here but it was a milestone birthday. They were small and I reasoned it was very early in the day, plenty of time to burn off the calories.
It was just a small canoli and then it was just a small chocolate éclair as we sat with him and had some laughs.
Back at my desk, there was the small bag of chocolate covered raisins. Soon, there were no more chocolate covered raisins. I looked at the bag astonished. Did I do that?!
The day quickly went downhill, stomach lurched, energy zapped, lethargy set in, emotions fired in every direction like a laser light show at a rock concert and papers were shuffled with no meaning. A large cup of tea was drunk but only increased the bloating.
After lunch they pulled the bakery box from the fridge and I quickly consumed a small cream puff. Someone mentioned I looked a little peeked. I said "I feel a lot peeked!"
I heard Grace from the show Will and Grace singing the "I Told You So" song:
So I just went for a 15-minute walk, filled up my water bottle and gave myself a good talking to. RESET BUTTON!
I'm going to go to my hair cut appointment now, otherwise known as my cheap therapy session, and wash this day right out of my hair.
Thank you for listening!
Sunday, August 24, 2014
It was a hot and humid Saturday morning. Too humid, I decided, for the run I had planned. Too humid for a dog walk. She does not do well in the humidity.
A great day to sit and decompress from the hectic week I told myself. DH and I watched 13 Going on 30. After he left for work, I settled in for the Will And Grace Marathon that is on every Saturday.
As storms rolled in, some episodes brought back some not-so-happy memories from the time the episodes first aired. Self loathing began to set in. I polished off a hefty serving of Fritos then two Special K fruit crisps.
I was thinking about the tubs of ice cream in the freezer when the commercial came on for the third time. It escapes me now what the commercial is for, a back to school commercial for gym shoes I think, but it's a boy climbing a rope in gym class and the teacher and other kids are cheering him on. The teacher said "that bell's not going to ring itself".
It took a while but I brushed the Fritos crumbs off myself and pulled up a 15-minute bootcamp video on fitnessblender.com. When I finished, I threw a load of laundry in and went through the video again.
The rain and humidity cleared up so I walked 10 minutes to the store to buy milk then proceeded to do two more loads of laundry which involves a lot of up and down the stairs.
I have to keep reminding myself to learn from the past, leave it there and move forward in a positive way.
It took a back-to-school commercial to steer myself back on course. Whatever it takes right?
Saturday, August 09, 2014
I decided to leave work early yesterday, Friday. I've put in some long hours and there had been many many busy evenings. I was burned out. It was going to be a comfy clothes and remote night!
When I got to the car, the independent living facility my dad lives in called to tell me he was taken to the hospital with shortness of breath. To those of you that do not know, we lost my mom unexpectedly in February. My stomach was lurching during the hour-long ride to the same hospital.
I walked in the ER feeling like a scared little girl and telling myself, it's fine, I can handle this, I have to handle this. My sisters cannot. When I saw him he looked pale and was sleeping. His girlfriend (yet another shocker this year) was crying that it was all her fault, they had a disagreement and he collapsed. So I held her as she cried and my dad slept.
Six hours later, he was settled in his room and seemed much better. Preliminary tests showed no sign of a heart attack but they would have to do a follow up test in the morning to check for heart damage.
I got home thoroughly spent, took the dog out and sat down to two Special K Fruit Crisps and then a cannoli. First thing that popped in my head was 'way to go, epic fail'. I had posted on the One-Day Challenge team no sweets today.
'Way to go, way to be a leader' I lectured myself. But I turned my head around, reminded myself I didn't give in to the sweets earlier in the day so I didn't fail, I just fell so nothing to do but get up.
I called the hospital at 6am this morning, dad had a peaceful night, no issues and was already having the first part of his stress test.
I went for a run, not sure I had the energy but I did. It was one of the most relaxing runs I have ever had. Sounds odd... a "relaxing' run??? It was a beautiful morning, everything felt good and I felt at peace. I soon felt guilty though, that I should be at the hospital so I turned toward home, showered and went there.
Still no word from the doctor by the time I got there but dad looked good and said he was feeling fine. So I sat with him and his girlfriend (who insisted on spending the night) and watched CNN for three hours.
I needed to move so I headed to the cafeteria where I knew I could get a good burger and fries or a personal-size pizza; I was ravenous! I reminded myself I didn't need to do that. I got a bottle of water, a small chicken salad and a cup of watermelon. I was pleasantly satisfied.
The doc finally came in an hour later and said all tests were fine. The chest pain my dad described could be from gall stones so if it happens again, he should get that checked.
So I'm relieved and thankful and really really tired.
So good night Sparkland! Till tomorrow.
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