Wednesday, April 18, 2012
I have been doing some soul searching and have had an epiphany about some thing. Although the idea brings on more questions that it actually answered. I realized that I have a fear of success (or is it a tremendous fear of failure?). I am really excited to have lost a few pounds over the last few days but this is what triggers my fears. As soon as I notice the loss, I become so hungry and cranky that I have to eat. I absolutely cannot satiate my hunger with anything. It is not really a craving but more a absolute need to eat. This of course derailed my SparkStreaks and got me to thinking of the reasons why.
I realized my failures come in two forms. First I do not try because then I cannot fail or succeed. Which is truly twisted logic because of course I failed, I never tried. There is a dream that something amazing will happen if I succeed. "If I finish my master's I am going to land the dream job." What if that doesn't happen or What if there is no change in my life? So, by my logic, if I do not even attempt whatever the goal is then I have not failed because the dream could still become reality someday.
The other type of failure comes in the form of sabotage. I try something full tilt and really do well at it then quit just as I am going to reach a major milestone. While some people would use this as a motivation, I become terrified that I am actually going to attain a goal and panic. I quit just to show myself that I never could have really gotten to that goal and therefore the dream is still alive.
Like I said I am not sure if it is a fear of failure, of success, or merely a fear of losing a dream or goal. I am also not exactly sure how to conquer these feeling of inadequacies. Well I guess I will have to wait for another epiphany....