KELCEE75   6,753
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KELCEE75's Recent Blog Entries

wow

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

So I'm doing something today that I haven't done in a long time.....check my Spark page at lunch time. It's good to see all my friends still here...familiar names and skinnier faces. :)

I haven't been around because I lost my motivation. I'm in a somewhat dark place right now, due, mainly to work. At the end of the year my supervisor quit. As her 2IC I was prepared to pick up some slack for the new supervisor and possibly fill in until that person was 'up and running'. Instead I was thrown into the supervisory position with no experience, education or proper training (I just became 2IC about a month or so prior, with the understanding I would be mentored along....yeah right). We have a new supervisor, however she was first part time and now has been off sick for a month....so basically she has been a supervisor in title only. It has been overwhelming beyond anything I've experienced before in my life.

There are 8 people on our team....8 people that count on me to run this thing and lead it. There are things I just don't know not having any experience, there are decisions that come down to me.....the most indecisive person I know! There are project managers and department leads looking to me.....this is engineering, I'm afraid of messing up. Oh but don't forget my actual work/job has to be completed as well.....plus picking up the slack for being one person short. I've delegated almost everything I possibly can.... And I get little or no support from our department head (ie, the supervisor's boss). I'm not sure when it's going to end, as I have a new person starting on Monday (that's 9!), and we're phasing in a new software that changes our jobs completely (training on Tuesday). I have to learn how to archive projects on Thursday and somehow manage to keep one of the 9 from going over my head all the time.

Man, can we stop this truck so I can get off?

I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday, and am going to discuss with him stress leave. To top it off my partner has not been well for much of this year....dealing with medication and sleep issues. I have also not been able to sleep either, my mind goes a thousand miles a minute when I get into bed. I have gained about 20 pounds since my last update. Yeah....over the 200 mark again. I can't focus on eating properly and sometimes forget eating all together when I'm at work. Well, my whole focus and concentration are almost nil..... To top it off a friend passed away last month and another friend was in a serious accident that left him brain damaged. Almost every morning I wake up wanting to cry because I don't want to go to work. Yeah.....definitely want off this truck.

Of course, being so busy at work I have no energy to do anything in the evening (ie exercising). I have been focusing on Geocaching so much lately in what spare time I have because it gets me out of the house and moving.

Anyways, here it is in print....as one day I hope to feel the Spark again and get back in and serious about getting healthy again. And I will look back and be proud that I made it through this time. I hope it's soon, I miss biking sometimes.....

Good things....back has been (almost) pain free lately, we're going to Vancouver in a month, I'm going to Winnipeg at Easter, Geocaching has been so fun! And I do love my job, all this learning has been amazing for me.....it's the quantity that has killed me (we organize engineering documentation for Shell....they're pretty big). Good things....I got a substantial raise at the beginning of the year, I have 6 geocaching trackables to take to Winnipeg, and my animals are all healthy (that wasn't my 9 year old cat's spray we smelled in the house the other day!). Focus on the good, forget the bad, and make it through another day......

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIFE_LOVES_ME 5/24/2012 7:13AM

    Sorry to hear u're going tru a rough patch, hope things start looking up for u soon!



Comment edited on: 5/24/2012 7:15:57 AM

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D-Day

Friday, September 16, 2011

I decided to call today D-Day. Decision Day? Kind of. Like today is IT!

Today is the last day I pick up a donut. Today is the last day I search for chips/nibblies. Today is the last day I refuse/ignore getting up off my butt and exercising.

Today is the first day I weigh in. 183 pounds....hard truth, but THE truth. Today is the first day I give myself a smackdown. Today is the first day I make a real commitment to my back exercises....and to my focus and determination.

Today is the day I set my goals. Today is the day I make a plan. Today is the day I start that plan. Today is the day I remember to love myself. Today is the day I remember to take care of myself.

Today is the day!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PRINCESSNURSE 9/18/2011 3:39PM

    emoticon

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DETERMINED_SOUL 9/17/2011 8:57AM

    Sounds emoticon

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W5VEOTX 9/17/2011 7:28AM

    You can do it

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KRAWRS 9/16/2011 4:49PM

    You've made it this far, you're gonna knock it outta the park this time around! :D

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GONEWLIFE 9/16/2011 2:17PM

    Good for you ! You can do this emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/16/2011 2:17:29 PM

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Of New vs. Old and Ziplines!

Friday, September 09, 2011

I’ve been off Spark for a while now. Well, actually a whole week….probably to my friends it seems like longer. All I do really is read the status updates and the blogs….well, that’s not just ‘all I do really’. It’s essential for me and the main reason I’m still on Spark. Everyone is very encouraging with what they write, popular bloggers aside even. I really should comment more but I’ve been enjoying in the background. I got back on yesterday after my weeks absence and realized that after 6 or 7 days the blogs are not included in my friend feed anymore. How disappointing to have missed those few days of blogs. That’ll teach me! :)

I’ve been reading in the background on here but have been off my plan for a few months now. I remember taking a break after the bike tour and just when I was ready to get back into everything and on track, I sprained my ankle…..which threw out my back even more than it already was. I had started to go to the chiro for my back pain before the ankle thing happened….and had gotten orthotics just before that. My body has gone through a huge adjusting period. I still think there’s adjusting going on…..there have been very few days that I have not been in pain, in one way or another.

I think for a time it helped that I was in pretty good shape. I could relax my eating and exercise and maintain. But then the muscle left me and my not doing anything went on too long. When my ankle happened and I couldn’t even walk, the pounds decided it was time to pile on.

Now I’ve weighed myself on three different scales during my journey….the one at the gym, the one in my bathroom and the WiiFit. The WiiFit was my standard up until our basement got flooded last year. I have yet to find my current weight as per that….it had me at a low weight of 174 at one point. The gym scale had me at a low of 171 in May or June. I stepped on the bathroom scale yesterday morning and it read 185. That number itself doesn’t shock me or put me at dismay. I’ll take 185 over 265 any day. It’s just the fact that I’ve gained as much as 15 pounds in this whole journey that really kind of upsets me.

At this point in my journey this is my first major set back. The first time that I feel like the old Kelly is making an appearance….the Kelly who doesn’t care, eats for the sake of eating mindlessly and is just numb to it all. This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to gain so much back….old Kelly is having her way for sure. Right now, I don’t have a goal in my head, I have such pain in my back and I almost don’t care that I’m making excuses (old K). Not to mention the fact that I have zero motivation to get off my butt and do anything (yep, old K). It doesn’t help that I’m in a job that is taking me no where, that’s boring me to tears and I have no motivation to escape.

Well that was a downer.

Let’s talk about some positive things now….J and I celebrated our first anniversary last weekend with an amazing weekend in Jasper. We geocached our brains out. I just love Geocaching just for the fact that it gets us outside walking and takes us to amazing places that we would never know about if not for a cache. Even here in the city…..we find little corners just waiting to be discovered. :) It’s been a great summer for us in that regards. I’m almost thinking about starting to blog about our caching adventures. Some of the places and cache containers and contraptions are just so cool!

We went on a Zipline!!! Can you believe it??? I had always wanted to go on a zipline when I hit my goal weight. I’m not really near goal weight and am even further away now but we decided to do it anyways on our first anniversary. Yeah, I wanted to do it and when we got there I was scared out of my brain! As we drove towards the site I was scared out of my brain. We got all harnessed up and got driven up the hill....and I was scared out of my brain. You have to walk down a huge slope of a roof and then just jump off. And it’s like a leap with arms forward and you’re on your stomach flying through the air. Well, I screamed the whole way. Even though I was terrified, I was glad I did it….after coming back down to ground level of course. One of my overcoming my fear thoughts was of my Spark friend -MARYJANE-. She wrote a blog not too long ago about confronting her fear and going on a zipline. It's quite good....er, hope this works....

http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public
_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=4251503

I knew if she could do it, I could do it. :) And I did it! I almost would like to experience it again with hopefully less fear, so I could enjoy the moment more.

Now in terms of what will get me motivated to move on the road to health again. I have various ideas. I know I need to have a more regular presence on Spark. I feel the lack of close friends in ‘real life’ and I know there is a treasure trove of them here to discover if I just take the time to put myself out there. In terms of goals……well, there is a mini triathlon next May that both Joce and I have our sights on…..which could lead to a bigger (yet still mini) one in August or September (this would definitely be new Kelly territory). There is, of course, the duathlon that I did not get to accomplish this year. We have gym memberships….which includes the recumbent bike. That bike seemed to be ok on my lower back when I used it in physio. I have yet to get back to the gym since I finished with the personal trainer. I’m still rolling around the idea of starting with her again. The money is a huge issue because it’s not cheap….but it would mean structured strength training! I have yet to get on my regular bike, but I think I will get it tuned up and get fitted to it…..it’ll park on the inside trainer within a few months anyways, so it wouldn’t hurt. I also have a number of strength exercises that I received from physio for my ankle and from the chiro for my back.

These are all great ideas but until I find my motivation again I’m stuck. There are so many challenges to join, teams to join, trackers to use on here, so many exercises to try and geocaches to go find. I just need to figure out my priorities and thus figure out a routine and just get going again. New Kelly has to resurface again full board and kick these 15 pounds to the curb!

Hey, if I can jump off a building and fly through the air, I can do anything right?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIFE_LOVES_ME 9/12/2011 5:32AM

    Sorry u've been having a kinda hard time, i know how it feels to be ''numb to it all'' and i gotta tell ya that as many times i've fallen into that particular hole, i still have no earthly idea how to avoid it (but thankfully at least i can say that as with all things - it too doesnt last 4ever).
You'll be ok emoticon.

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DEBIGENE 9/10/2011 8:07PM

    Hey girl, it's all good, you made the important recognition that you know you need to get back on track. So with that in your mind you know what and how to do it and you will as soon as you are 100% commited. You know that's what it takes. Makinga lifestyle change is no different than any other part of life, it has it's ups and it's downs, these are our hurdles to jump after we knock one over and fall. You have all the knowledge, you'll know when it's time to get up and start again.
YOU CAN DO IT !!!

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ERIN4771 9/10/2011 7:56AM

    if you need me to come and kick the old k's *ss, let me know emoticon....setbacks are just that, a set back, but, it's not a full on stop, which i know you know, so keep moving forward!!! congrats on your anniversary!! that is awesome, and sounds like you had some fun!!
i would not zipline, afraid of heights, BUT, i will happily wave at you from the land below emoticon......keep moving forward, you got this, and if you need any reminders of how awesome you are, just look at those gorgeous pictures you did a while back...that's the NEW kelly my friend, and one i know is going to go and kick some *ss!! emoticon emoticon

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 9/9/2011 2:13PM

    I'm so proud of you for "taking the plunge"! You are so right, if you can jump off of a building and fly through the air, you CAN do anything. Your motivation will come. In the meantime, JUST DO IT!

Thank you so much for including me and my zipline blog in your story. I'm so gratified and touched that you had me in your thoughts. If I could do it at well over 200 pounds and only 4'10 all while being absolutely terrified of heights and falling...ANYONE CAN DO IT! There is no excuse not to live NOW!

emoticon emoticon

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KRAWRS 9/9/2011 12:48PM

    Boy do I understand where you're coming from! When one thing goes, everything goes! :( I know new Kelly will resurface soon. Just keep making her feel welcome, and she'll tiptoe out. I'm working on the same thing, personally. One day at a time! By the way, that's AMAZING that you went on a zipline! I've always wanted to do that (despite my similar terror at the thought of it!). You are a warrior, so yes, you can do this!!!

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DO4FIT 9/9/2011 11:32AM

  I am going Ziplining Next July to start my new life! I have a fear of heights... I can go up but I have a hard time coming down. I think this will be a great freeing way to start my new life. Good for you! and hey... at least you became aware of your gain at 15 instead of 30 or more!! Keep spark-ling

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Musings....

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

So much has happened this month. I just decided to go muse-like as I ponder the events of the last few weeks or so....

When your finished basement has flooded, the moment when the repairs are complete is one of the top 5 moments of your life. It’s even better when you remember you didn’t have to pay for it.

One of the top 5 worst moments of your life is seeing your finished basement flood again after repairs have been completed. (no where near as bad, but still)

Losing any pet is a heartbreaking moment….(RIP Quincy the hedgehog).

Spraining an ankle takes the wind out of your sails and knocks you for a loop.

Hurting your back takes the wind out of your sails and knocks you for a loop.

Note: Spraining an ankle after hurting your back does not help your back…..

Being in shape and exercising is only a curse when you finally realize what you’re missing when you’re sidelined by injury and can’t do it.

You want to like your personal trainer and continue on with her but then you realize you can’t really trust her cuz it took a month for her to call you back.

Binge eating is a real problem….

A partner who binge eats is NOT a problem….you learn together.

Cooking is an art that you really need to start doing….like, REALLY.

It’s time to face reality.

Even though you took a peek at the scale you have to record that possible 10 pound gain….own it, face it, growl at it, and move in for the kill.

Goals can be undefined, hazy, unknown…..go find them.

The bike will never let you down.

Falling in love with a dog you are dog sitting is not advisable.

A popular blog post will not change your world, make you the cool kid, or stop the journey……keep going.

Spark is better than Facebook…..no really, it is….why do you waste your time?

Sometimes you just have to BE the messy!!....only sometimes…ok, rarely…..um, can I hide in my 5 inches of clean now?

A good book should never be far from hand.

Rain, rain go away…come again another day.

August is a better month than July all around…historical fact or no (fingers crossed).

Sometimes you have to postpone a dream, knowing that you will kick ass at it next year…(see above musings regarding injuries).

An Ipod is a necessary accessory at work when your coworkers complain and/or gossip.

Changing careers requires getting over the terrified feeling first.

A habit is formed in 21 days…so it’s time to get started (or is that restarted…).

Sometimes it’s just time to snap out of it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEBIGENE 8/10/2011 7:53PM

    Oh sweetie I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your pet, they are like children to us. I have felt that pain several times myself.
And also not good news about your basement, I've been there way too many times. My brother was a home builder before his accident and he says the ONLY answer to keeping water out of your basement is to keep it AWAY from your house. We did just that by cementing the driveway down the side of the house that the water was getting in at. and then of course the sump pump and to that we added a waterflow back up pump just incase we lose electricity and the pump stops but the water coming in doesn't .... like it had done in the past. Problem now solved, thankfully cause when my brother moved in upstairs I moved into the basement. Water in my apartment is my fear, but I rest easy now.
I am not a fan of FB because I just found it to be troublesome and was always resulting in people posting remoarks that had no place being public, therefore ending up hurting others. I just found it to be a negative venue so I discontinued using it. Oh I agree it has it's advantages but none I felt the need to use. I'm a SPARKIE now true and true ... LOL
I sure hope your body is well on the mend now which by the looks of your awesome Boudoir pics, you sure are. By the way where did you have them done? They are great and you are stunning.

Comment edited on: 8/10/2011 7:54:16 PM

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KRAWRS 8/10/2011 10:23AM

    I like the way you wrote this... very stream of consciousness like, only in complete sentences instead of fragments.

That really stinks about the basement flooding... both times! Were the repairs just to fix the damage, or was it supposed to prevent the flooding from happening again? Because if it was just to repair the damage, it sounds like more needs to be done! Ack! Do you own your place or rent? Either way, icky situation!

I'm sorry for the loss of your pet. Truly, I am. I still have a hard time when I go to my mom's and our family dogs don't greet me.

Believe me, I know how injuries (in my case, illness + injury) can knock the wind out of your sails!!! I had that problem when I was sick (cold/flu) for a month and a half in January, turning out to be pregnant but miscarrying. Its frustrating to sit around and do nothing when you feel/felt so motivated... and then, even when you heal, the motivation is gone. Just keep on keeping on!!! It'll get better. BTW, I'd find a new personal trainer. If she's not willing to make this about YOU (which she should be... you're her client!), then she's not worth it.

I'm totally addicted to facebook... but I do describe sparkpeople to friends as "the facebook of weight loss/health/maintenance."

"A good book should never be far from hand." AGREED!!! What are you reading currently? For me, its Stephen King and Sherlock Holmes at the moment. (Yes I know, odd pairing.)

"Changing careers requires getting over the terrified feeling first." I am there too. I took the plunge and submitted my resume to two different positions... despite my fear, even still. Now I am trying to convince myself to keep on doing the same.

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JSPIN74 8/9/2011 3:09PM

    love - all your wanderings here...thx

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Censored....

Saturday, August 06, 2011

It's been a rough month. Basement renos, weight gain (a lot), injuries upon injuries, a pet death (hedgehog)....I have a blog started about all that which will come up in a bit. I still have to write it out.

I needed to write about the censor. I got an email from a Spark coach today about my boudoir photo blog. I have to take down the 'bra and underwear' photos because someone reported them.

Ok, first of all I don't have a problem with this....rules are rules. Besides there are TONS of NON-bra and panties pics that I had taken that I can put up in their place...hehe PLUS my blog has been up for a few weeks now....long enough to get me a little attention, comments and new friends as a result of the popular post. The attention has died down....no one will really notice the changes now. Well, obviously someone just did.....who cares reporter, 'that blog is SO yesterday'. lol (ok, not yesterday in my world but definitely yesterday in Spark world....was it even 'today' in Spark world? lol).

The problem I have with the whole censor thing is this.....self esteem. I've blogged before about how self esteem is a big issue for me. My mother has very low self esteem which has carried forward to both of her daughters in big ways.....big life hindering ways. As I lost the weight I gained self esteem, slowly. It took 2 years to gain enough self esteem to get boudoir photos taken.....AND post them to the general public. Believe me, posting those pics was HARD. Showing them to friends was hard..... Convincing myself that they were good enough to be shown to people other than my wife was hard. It's a long process that is still a struggle every time they are popped out for someone new to see. The tug of war between self love and self-loathing is like a real war sometimes especially when faced with injuries, struggles, and lack of motivation.

And......I was asked to take them down.

Now I understand the rules, I really do. But if you knew the whole thought process and life trail that led to my blog post would you really be asking me to take them down?? I would hope not.

Besides I just stared at pictures of someone's arse in a bikini/thong type thing on here.....um, hello!! There are pics on here that make mine look incredibly tame. And I think of every brave before picture that is posted in that bikini or sports bra and if we are all not supposed to do that....rules are rules, gotta take them down......how do we step out? How do we face our fears? The safest environment there is is right here on this site....except don't step too far.....or you'll be pushed back....because you went TOO far. Wow.

So my relationship with the censor is conflicted. I'm off to bed for now and probably won't have time to fix the blog for a few days....but like I said, it's so yesterday.....get with the times reporters! I do enjoy the thought that what I wrote was popular enough to be censored...... It sure is a good thing they didn't see that pic I posted of the size 12 girl, or the pic of me in my sports bra.....those blogs are not just yesterday but prehistoric. Back to obscurity......

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EILI359 8/30/2011 4:18PM

    There was nothing offensive in any way about your pics - they were absolutely beautiful, artistic and tasteful and you should be very proud of them and yourself.



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ERIN4771 8/18/2011 8:05AM

    what a lame *ss!!! seriously!! i thought your pictures were awesome, and not offensive at all!! hang tough my friend, that person will still be miserable tomorrow, and you will continue to grow, so they can "suck it", as i like to say emoticon

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ANONYGIRL 8/10/2011 12:07PM

    I saw those pics and thought you looked absolutely beautiful (and more than a little bit HOT).

I'm at my goal weight now and don't have the guts to take or share pics like that.

There was nothing censor-worthy about them.

Someone is an arse.

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BEATLETOT 8/6/2011 3:04PM

    SparkPeople needs to start telling us who makes these complaints. Maybe if they had to take responsibility for their being offended, then they'd think twice about reporting it, and would only report it if they felt strongly enough to defend their opinion the way the reporteds do. The anonymity makes it so nasty. Nasty, NASTY people. Yes, you, you disgusting cowards!

I'm so sick of it. They get to be protected, but who protects the rest?

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CATS_MEOW_0911 8/6/2011 1:40PM

    I really do love SparkPeople, but sometimes I don't like the "PG"-ness, as I'm not a very "PG" person. I loved your blog--you looked beautiful. Whoever reported you is probably uncomfortable with themselves, and doesn't want someone else to be able to put themselves out there, either. I didn't think the pictures were lewd--they were gorgeous, they were art--YOU are a work of art. I'm glad you posted this in response. Because I fully plan on doing a photo session when I reach my goal weight (thanks to you), I will be sharing them, whether on here or on another blog that I set up.

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KRAWRS 8/6/2011 11:13AM

    I hate censorship. :( I was thinking the same as you, the second to last paragraph. Like, what about all the progress photos people take of themselves in their underwear? Is that not allowed either?

What really gets me is that someone on here just saw "inappropriate" when they should have seen "inspiring," and "success," and "life-changing." I feel bad for that person... and I hope one day they understand your victory, and feel it as their own.

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JECKIE 8/6/2011 9:00AM

    Seriously, that's just not right. I went back to your photo blog because I really couldn't even REMEMBER the "bra and panties" pics. You know why? Because they're done in a style that it doesn't look like "oh, here I'm hanging out in my underwear" but more "black and lace, small but tasteful clothes". They're no more skimpy than a swimsuit! So don't let them get you down... as usual some uber-sensitive whack-job decided to be the "photo police" when it really wasn't needed.

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MUGGLE_MOM 8/6/2011 8:13AM

    It bothers me that they asked you to take your blog pictures down. I thought that not only were they beautiful, but very tastefully done. I wonder if anyone scopes those before pictures for those bra/thong pics.There are some that are way 'out there'. I never thought of them as offensive (and I am easily offended). Some people even use them as profile pics. Hmmmmm.

Back to the point, I understand your conflict. I just wanted to say I still think that you deserve huge kudos for having the photo shoot and posting the pictures. I hope that this doesn't affect your self esteem. You worked hard to build it and have earned every ounce of it that you have.

emoticon

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BILL60 8/6/2011 8:03AM

    Hang tough!!

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MRE1956 8/6/2011 6:35AM

    GRRRRRRR - I wish a POX on that "somebody" who complained.....I mean, REALLY - GET A LIFE, "somebody"......or better yet, crawl under the first rock you can find! I HATE people who act like that! Enough of that behavior, and before you know it, NOBODY will speak out on ANYTHING due to fear of censoring - and even on truly important issues that NEED to be addressed by speaking out!

Please, world - THINK before you complain! REALLY, NOW!

emoticon

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LTRUM71 8/6/2011 6:17AM

    Your pics were gorgeous! I didn't think any of them needed to be removed.

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LYNN-LOVESLIFE7 8/6/2011 1:53AM

    Who's jealous of you girl? When I see stuff like this. I see a vain person who has issues. I know the rules but I have seen people post blogs victoria secret models, and no one report them or me. I don't understand the reason or the freaking why. All I see is jealously. I hope you keep on posting these nice blogs. I love your photos and the blog you posted. But you are right. RULES! Are just that....RULES!

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