Wednesday, March 28, 2012
So I'm doing something today that I haven't done in a long time.....check my Spark page at lunch time. It's good to see all my friends still here...familiar names and skinnier faces. :)
I haven't been around because I lost my motivation. I'm in a somewhat dark place right now, due, mainly to work. At the end of the year my supervisor quit. As her 2IC I was prepared to pick up some slack for the new supervisor and possibly fill in until that person was 'up and running'. Instead I was thrown into the supervisory position with no experience, education or proper training (I just became 2IC about a month or so prior, with the understanding I would be mentored along....yeah right). We have a new supervisor, however she was first part time and now has been off sick for a month....so basically she has been a supervisor in title only. It has been overwhelming beyond anything I've experienced before in my life.
There are 8 people on our team....8 people that count on me to run this thing and lead it. There are things I just don't know not having any experience, there are decisions that come down to me.....the most indecisive person I know! There are project managers and department leads looking to me.....this is engineering, I'm afraid of messing up. Oh but don't forget my actual work/job has to be completed as well.....plus picking up the slack for being one person short. I've delegated almost everything I possibly can.... And I get little or no support from our department head (ie, the supervisor's boss). I'm not sure when it's going to end, as I have a new person starting on Monday (that's 9!), and we're phasing in a new software that changes our jobs completely (training on Tuesday). I have to learn how to archive projects on Thursday and somehow manage to keep one of the 9 from going over my head all the time.
Man, can we stop this truck so I can get off?
I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday, and am going to discuss with him stress leave. To top it off my partner has not been well for much of this year....dealing with medication and sleep issues. I have also not been able to sleep either, my mind goes a thousand miles a minute when I get into bed. I have gained about 20 pounds since my last update. Yeah....over the 200 mark again. I can't focus on eating properly and sometimes forget eating all together when I'm at work. Well, my whole focus and concentration are almost nil..... To top it off a friend passed away last month and another friend was in a serious accident that left him brain damaged. Almost every morning I wake up wanting to cry because I don't want to go to work. Yeah.....definitely want off this truck.
Of course, being so busy at work I have no energy to do anything in the evening (ie exercising). I have been focusing on Geocaching so much lately in what spare time I have because it gets me out of the house and moving.
Anyways, here it is in print....as one day I hope to feel the Spark again and get back in and serious about getting healthy again. And I will look back and be proud that I made it through this time. I hope it's soon, I miss biking sometimes.....
Good things....back has been (almost) pain free lately, we're going to Vancouver in a month, I'm going to Winnipeg at Easter, Geocaching has been so fun! And I do love my job, all this learning has been amazing for me.....it's the quantity that has killed me (we organize engineering documentation for Shell....they're pretty big). Good things....I got a substantial raise at the beginning of the year, I have 6 geocaching trackables to take to Winnipeg, and my animals are all healthy (that wasn't my 9 year old cat's spray we smelled in the house the other day!). Focus on the good, forget the bad, and make it through another day......
Friday, September 16, 2011
I decided to call today D-Day. Decision Day? Kind of. Like today is IT!
Today is the last day I pick up a donut. Today is the last day I search for chips/nibblies. Today is the last day I refuse/ignore getting up off my butt and exercising.
Today is the first day I weigh in. 183 pounds....hard truth, but THE truth. Today is the first day I give myself a smackdown. Today is the first day I make a real commitment to my back exercises....and to my focus and determination.
Today is the day I set my goals. Today is the day I make a plan. Today is the day I start that plan. Today is the day I remember to love myself. Today is the day I remember to take care of myself.
Today is the day!
Friday, September 09, 2011
I’ve been off Spark for a while now. Well, actually a whole week….probably to my friends it seems like longer. All I do really is read the status updates and the blogs….well, that’s not just ‘all I do really’. It’s essential for me and the main reason I’m still on Spark. Everyone is very encouraging with what they write, popular bloggers aside even. I really should comment more but I’ve been enjoying in the background. I got back on yesterday after my weeks absence and realized that after 6 or 7 days the blogs are not included in my friend feed anymore. How disappointing to have missed those few days of blogs. That’ll teach me! :)
I’ve been reading in the background on here but have been off my plan for a few months now. I remember taking a break after the bike tour and just when I was ready to get back into everything and on track, I sprained my ankle…..which threw out my back even more than it already was. I had started to go to the chiro for my back pain before the ankle thing happened….and had gotten orthotics just before that. My body has gone through a huge adjusting period. I still think there’s adjusting going on…..there have been very few days that I have not been in pain, in one way or another.
I think for a time it helped that I was in pretty good shape. I could relax my eating and exercise and maintain. But then the muscle left me and my not doing anything went on too long. When my ankle happened and I couldn’t even walk, the pounds decided it was time to pile on.
Now I’ve weighed myself on three different scales during my journey….the one at the gym, the one in my bathroom and the WiiFit. The WiiFit was my standard up until our basement got flooded last year. I have yet to find my current weight as per that….it had me at a low weight of 174 at one point. The gym scale had me at a low of 171 in May or June. I stepped on the bathroom scale yesterday morning and it read 185. That number itself doesn’t shock me or put me at dismay. I’ll take 185 over 265 any day. It’s just the fact that I’ve gained as much as 15 pounds in this whole journey that really kind of upsets me.
At this point in my journey this is my first major set back. The first time that I feel like the old Kelly is making an appearance….the Kelly who doesn’t care, eats for the sake of eating mindlessly and is just numb to it all. This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to gain so much back….old Kelly is having her way for sure. Right now, I don’t have a goal in my head, I have such pain in my back and I almost don’t care that I’m making excuses (old K). Not to mention the fact that I have zero motivation to get off my butt and do anything (yep, old K). It doesn’t help that I’m in a job that is taking me no where, that’s boring me to tears and I have no motivation to escape.
Well that was a downer.
Let’s talk about some positive things now….J and I celebrated our first anniversary last weekend with an amazing weekend in Jasper. We geocached our brains out. I just love Geocaching just for the fact that it gets us outside walking and takes us to amazing places that we would never know about if not for a cache. Even here in the city…..we find little corners just waiting to be discovered. :) It’s been a great summer for us in that regards. I’m almost thinking about starting to blog about our caching adventures. Some of the places and cache containers and contraptions are just so cool!
We went on a Zipline!!! Can you believe it??? I had always wanted to go on a zipline when I hit my goal weight. I’m not really near goal weight and am even further away now but we decided to do it anyways on our first anniversary. Yeah, I wanted to do it and when we got there I was scared out of my brain! As we drove towards the site I was scared out of my brain. We got all harnessed up and got driven up the hill....and I was scared out of my brain. You have to walk down a huge slope of a roof and then just jump off. And it’s like a leap with arms forward and you’re on your stomach flying through the air. Well, I screamed the whole way. Even though I was terrified, I was glad I did it….after coming back down to ground level of course. One of my overcoming my fear thoughts was of my Spark friend -MARYJANE-. She wrote a blog not too long ago about confronting her fear and going on a zipline. It's quite good....er, hope this works....
I knew if she could do it, I could do it. :) And I did it! I almost would like to experience it again with hopefully less fear, so I could enjoy the moment more.
Now in terms of what will get me motivated to move on the road to health again. I have various ideas. I know I need to have a more regular presence on Spark. I feel the lack of close friends in ‘real life’ and I know there is a treasure trove of them here to discover if I just take the time to put myself out there. In terms of goals……well, there is a mini triathlon next May that both Joce and I have our sights on…..which could lead to a bigger (yet still mini) one in August or September (this would definitely be new Kelly territory). There is, of course, the duathlon that I did not get to accomplish this year. We have gym memberships….which includes the recumbent bike. That bike seemed to be ok on my lower back when I used it in physio. I have yet to get back to the gym since I finished with the personal trainer. I’m still rolling around the idea of starting with her again. The money is a huge issue because it’s not cheap….but it would mean structured strength training! I have yet to get on my regular bike, but I think I will get it tuned up and get fitted to it…..it’ll park on the inside trainer within a few months anyways, so it wouldn’t hurt. I also have a number of strength exercises that I received from physio for my ankle and from the chiro for my back.
These are all great ideas but until I find my motivation again I’m stuck. There are so many challenges to join, teams to join, trackers to use on here, so many exercises to try and geocaches to go find. I just need to figure out my priorities and thus figure out a routine and just get going again. New Kelly has to resurface again full board and kick these 15 pounds to the curb!
Hey, if I can jump off a building and fly through the air, I can do anything right?
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
So much has happened this month. I just decided to go muse-like as I ponder the events of the last few weeks or so....
When your finished basement has flooded, the moment when the repairs are complete is one of the top 5 moments of your life. It’s even better when you remember you didn’t have to pay for it.
One of the top 5 worst moments of your life is seeing your finished basement flood again after repairs have been completed. (no where near as bad, but still)
Losing any pet is a heartbreaking moment….(RIP Quincy the hedgehog).
Spraining an ankle takes the wind out of your sails and knocks you for a loop.
Hurting your back takes the wind out of your sails and knocks you for a loop.
Note: Spraining an ankle after hurting your back does not help your back…..
Being in shape and exercising is only a curse when you finally realize what you’re missing when you’re sidelined by injury and can’t do it.
You want to like your personal trainer and continue on with her but then you realize you can’t really trust her cuz it took a month for her to call you back.
Binge eating is a real problem….
A partner who binge eats is NOT a problem….you learn together.
Cooking is an art that you really need to start doing….like, REALLY.
It’s time to face reality.
Even though you took a peek at the scale you have to record that possible 10 pound gain….own it, face it, growl at it, and move in for the kill.
Goals can be undefined, hazy, unknown…..go find them.
The bike will never let you down.
Falling in love with a dog you are dog sitting is not advisable.
A popular blog post will not change your world, make you the cool kid, or stop the journey……keep going.
Spark is better than Facebook…..no really, it is….why do you waste your time?
Sometimes you just have to BE the messy!!....only sometimes…ok, rarely…..um, can I hide in my 5 inches of clean now?
A good book should never be far from hand.
Rain, rain go away…come again another day.
August is a better month than July all around…historical fact or no (fingers crossed).
Sometimes you have to postpone a dream, knowing that you will kick ass at it next year…(see above musings regarding injuries).
An Ipod is a necessary accessory at work when your coworkers complain and/or gossip.
Changing careers requires getting over the terrified feeling first.
A habit is formed in 21 days…so it’s time to get started (or is that restarted…).
Sometimes it’s just time to snap out of it.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
It's been a rough month. Basement renos, weight gain (a lot), injuries upon injuries, a pet death (hedgehog)....I have a blog started about all that which will come up in a bit. I still have to write it out.
I needed to write about the censor. I got an email from a Spark coach today about my boudoir photo blog. I have to take down the 'bra and underwear' photos because someone reported them.
Ok, first of all I don't have a problem with this....rules are rules. Besides there are TONS of NON-bra and panties pics that I had taken that I can put up in their place...hehe PLUS my blog has been up for a few weeks now....long enough to get me a little attention, comments and new friends as a result of the popular post. The attention has died down....no one will really notice the changes now. Well, obviously someone just did.....who cares reporter, 'that blog is SO yesterday'. lol (ok, not yesterday in my world but definitely yesterday in Spark world....was it even 'today' in Spark world? lol).
The problem I have with the whole censor thing is this.....self esteem. I've blogged before about how self esteem is a big issue for me. My mother has very low self esteem which has carried forward to both of her daughters in big ways.....big life hindering ways. As I lost the weight I gained self esteem, slowly. It took 2 years to gain enough self esteem to get boudoir photos taken.....AND post them to the general public. Believe me, posting those pics was HARD. Showing them to friends was hard..... Convincing myself that they were good enough to be shown to people other than my wife was hard. It's a long process that is still a struggle every time they are popped out for someone new to see. The tug of war between self love and self-loathing is like a real war sometimes especially when faced with injuries, struggles, and lack of motivation.
And......I was asked to take them down.
Now I understand the rules, I really do. But if you knew the whole thought process and life trail that led to my blog post would you really be asking me to take them down?? I would hope not.
Besides I just stared at pictures of someone's arse in a bikini/thong type thing on here.....um, hello!! There are pics on here that make mine look incredibly tame. And I think of every brave before picture that is posted in that bikini or sports bra and if we are all not supposed to do that....rules are rules, gotta take them down......how do we step out? How do we face our fears? The safest environment there is is right here on this site....except don't step too far.....or you'll be pushed back....because you went TOO far. Wow.
So my relationship with the censor is conflicted. I'm off to bed for now and probably won't have time to fix the blog for a few days....but like I said, it's so yesterday.....get with the times reporters! I do enjoy the thought that what I wrote was popular enough to be censored...... It sure is a good thing they didn't see that pic I posted of the size 12 girl, or the pic of me in my sports bra.....those blogs are not just yesterday but prehistoric. Back to obscurity......
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