It's been a week and a day since I started logging my food on my phone. I didn't eat within my calorie goal until yesterday. Tomorrow I am going to weigh myself. I'm pretty sure I've lost some weight despite eating over my calorie range by at least 3 to 400 calories a day. I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in 3 months. 40 minutes of cardio under my belt. Yay me!
I've decided to change the way I think...again. Why do I continue to ride this roller coaster? It's been since the 4th grade when I went on my first diet. What is that? 9? 10 years old? Gets kind of awful growing up thinking you're not good enough just the way you are. Anyways, a no carb diet. Lost 50 lbs. Fourth grade and I haven't stopped the coaster since.
I've begun to think of how I want to be a healthy, active mommy. I've been looking at photos of me at 223lbs in January of 2012 and damn, I was looking good and feeling good and I can tell by the photos. I've been thinking if I'm going to get off this roller coaster ride I have to eat food I like and not just what I think I'm suppose to eat. This will take some time to master. I've been thinking why is my attitude this is so hard? This is hard but so is being sad about my weight and eventually that will turn into my health I'm sure. My Mom's side of the family are all very overweight and have diabetes. None of them take care of themselves ( except my mom, but she is overweight and has diabetes but she controls it well ). I don't want my knees to give and have to ride in a cart around the store. I want to take my son to Disneyland as many times as I can until he's 18 and up....and go on all the rides with him and fit in a seat and not hurt because my body hurts. I want to be an independent happy healthy woman, naturally. I want to love myself and be proud to be who I am.
Wow. This blog entry turned into a little more than I expected. Have great days...until next time. =)
Thinking it over, trying to devise ( is that a word? sounds good) a plan. Drink water yep should do that. Don't eat blatant sugar, like chocolate, cake ice, cream that kind of stuff. Eat smaller portions of starch, bread, that kind of stuff. No fast food or fried foods. My body feels better when I do this yet I deny my body and feed my brain. I don't want to be this weight. I want to be proud of who I am and at this weight I am not.
Today I did look in the mirror and think I'm pretty. I danced around like I used to and thought what a great amazing body I have. I'm going to feel good about me, feel really good about me. I guess I'm on hold for some reason. I'm scared of something. I'm a mess...and then it could be worse so I should be grateful that I can walk and I have a son who is amazing and a job and parents who love me and friends who are just as goofy as me in other ways that I adore.
Keep drinking water. Keep drinking water and the other good habits will follow.
So today I ate
a bowl of chex cereal for breakfast
50 oz of water throughout the day
a salad consisting of 1 string cheese, lettuce, 6 grape tomatoes, half a cucumber and some ranch dressing for lunch
Then... I went to Target. Split a bag of popcorn with my son. Skipped the iced caramel macchiato I wanted. I wasn't doing bad even though I felt guilty about the popcorn.
Then I got home and ate 3 string cheeses and a tortilla. Total binge.
For dinner I ate rice with tamari sauce, 3 fish sticks, some tofu with ginger, some mushrooms and broccoli. My Dad made it that's the only reason I didn't eat a bowl of noodles with cheddar cheese grated over it.
So that was my food day. I made 2 good choices, a salad for lunch and no caramel macchiato from Starbucks.
I have this amazing little 4 yr old boy who I want to be able to show how to be good to himself. How am I going to do this when I don't know how to be good to myself?
I'm addicted to food. I've lost it. I hate constantly thinking about food and then thinking about how food makes me hate myself. I also hate that I depend on my looks for how I feel about myself. My self worth is based on how I look. It's disgusting! and my pants are tight.
I'm sorry if complaining makes you want to say whatever but this is my only place to vent for now.
As of today I weight 275 point something or other. So disappointed. And still don't even really want to do something about it. My mind says I've got to though. Yet I allow food to be something I choose to be more important than me, how I feel about me.
I got down to 223. I was feeling so amazing. So strong. In control. Confident, even a little sexy here and there. I let it go. Am I scared? I am lazy that is a fact. I do not like to cook or prepare food. I am a lazy cook and everything bad for you is so easy to make. I try to get used to vegetables but they don't keep my attention for long or even taste that great to me. Fruit? Forget about it, do not like the stuff. Oranges are okay.
So I think start small...start with water drink 8 cups. I do that for a few days and quit.
Ugh. So I've decided to just start blogging on here. Write down my food day. Be honest. Once I make a mistake, which is something I make up, I have so many judgments on what is right for me and what is wrong. I always give up. Right now I have no desire to change my food, keep track of my food. I just want to eat whatever and do whatever. At the same time I do this I continue to hate me and my body. So eat right or eat wrong. I make it hard. I need to make another choice.
Today I have eaten a tuna sandwich with lettuce and a handful of chips.
I'm about to drink some bolthouse vanilla chai tea while I clean. Today is cleaning day.
I lost 45lbs since last May. Ouch to say this, I have gained 12 back since February. I do think about when I hadn't lost any yet and I never in a million years thought I'd see 45lbs but I did it. I did the work and I made it happen and I feel so good for doing that work but I'm weakening and back tracking. I want to lose more but something inside me is saying. "Oh! Can't do that. People will expect more from you, like you're capable of more than mediocre." I have got to change my eating! I exercise 4-5x a week for weeks at a time and then take a week off. I have to be the change. I know.