Tuesday, February 01, 2011
That no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, it will not make a difference. I will still be fat, and look unhealthy. I want my outside to look like my inside! I want to play, have fun, enjoy things, take the stairs, play in the waterfalls of VT. I want to build snowmen, snow forts, and go cross country skiing. I want to fly to somewhere sunny and walk around in a bathing suit. This is the first time I tried changing to all Whole Wheat/Whole grain products, and I track every single thing I eat so i have the reports to print out. I'm trying to add exercise back in, it's hard, but I'm slowly doing it. I know, it's only been a month, and I did lose a lot of weight quickly because of changing my food intake so much. I want to give myself nourishment, I want to not use food for anything emotional. I'm feeling really lost and scared - scared of the what ifs. It would be so much easier if I had someone telling me what I do right, wrong, what to do more of, less of, etc. Just to know what I'm doing is right and will matter. I do the research, read the articles, look up more info, etc. and try my best, but that nagging voice from my past haunts me telling me I will do something wrong, I will never be good enough, try hard enough, and even if I do try hard enough I will still fail. I've overcome those negative thoughts, voices, etc in so many other ways, I never thought I'd have to deal with them when it came to food!
I will look in the mirror and tell myself I will do this, I am doing this, I am doing it right, it will take a long time, but I am making progress. I will look at the positive things I see and focus on them until the rest of me catches up. I will tell myself it's normal to have these feelings come up, and these feelings will go away. I will remind myself of all my successes in life, and I will get through this night, and keep doing this. It's just really dam hard.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
I've taken it easy two days now. I'll do the biggest loser tape again tomorrow, and then figure out how to incorporate upper body workout into the two days after that since my thighs/legs will be sore again. LOL. I don't know how those people on tv do it. I can't even do the workout 2-3 days in a row! I'm still doing well with the food. I'm trying to incorporate some variety. It's been a bit of a challenge at times. Keeping low on sodium, eating healthy carbs. Garlic salt was one of my favorite things to use on/in everything. Garlic isn't quite the same without salt, but I'm noticing changes in things being too salty when I try them now! So eventually, I'll be more used to it.
Monday, January 31, 2011
My 15 (almost 16) yr old daughter calls me up and says she has to make a spanish music video for her spanish class. Then she asks me about what camcorders we have left. I guess she broke the $150 one my sister bought her last year. So when I tell her we really don't have any, she goes off complaining, and yelling. I asked her, this other girl Mandy that's making it with you, her dad does special effects and all that stuff, and he already has all the equipment, why not all do it at her house? She gets mad and hangs up.
I would love to go out and buy a really nice camcorder. I just can't afford to spend the extra money, plus the way she still breaks things, I don't trust her either.. My daughter seems to have no concept of money what-so-ever. The first thing I wanted to do was reach for the candy dish. I can just feel the chocolate or candy being absorbed. I haven't though, and I won't. But this is really testing me. I feel so depressed this very moment. and I'm trying to figure out what else I can do logically to address my depression rather than eating something.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I feel better that I am making better choices of food when we go out. I decided that I am going to eat salad - with a small amount of sirloin or chicken on it! ha! I request the salad dressing on the side. Yesterday they did not do that, so I'm not sure how much dressing I ate, so I estimated 4TBSP, which I'm sure is very generous, but better safe than sorry. I'm weighing in tomorrow. My hubby is still excited. He has a gym and showers at WORK.. NO FAIR!!! he says it works out well cuz I get paid more than him, so he needs some perks.. well.. i guess. I'm going to keep doing the biggers loser sculpt tape until I buy the dvds from walmart. I was excited that they were easier moves (except the modified pushup lunge thingy), and it was doable, and I felt my muscles responding, and I didn't injure myself. I did get some neck spasms yesterday along with a sudden horrible headache. Hopefully someday... I'm just feeling more content though, knowing I'm doing something. I can't wait until other people can tell i'm losing weight and not just my hubby/me. I did go out and buy some more new panties to celebrate another 2 lbs gone. lol. I had a free $10 coupon at Avenue, and the four pairs were $12. And it's encouraging, because I bought the size lower and they fit. I am noticing my pants are baggier for the most part. I will weigh and measure tomorrow and see.
I really hope this time I'm doing it right. I will hate it if six months later not much has changed no matter what I do . I'm going to print everything for my doctor and get her recommendation too. I have my next appointment in March, another one in April, and I want both appts for the two doctors to say, you are down "##" pounds, good job. lol
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