Monday, November 07, 2011
To help me get outta this funk, my husband thought he'd buy me a new puppy for my birthday. He brought me around to meet a few breeders, and I got very discouraged with the horrible money-hungry jerks out there. then out of no where there is this lady, with a pregnant bullmastiff, and the parents are awesome pedigrees, and then we drive out there five days after the babies are born, and she's even more wonderful in person. So now I have to choose what puppy do we want? There are 11 puppies total. Chris is partial to the dark brindle. I love the dark brindle too, but they are harder to show - and I want to get into handling/showing with my daughter. Either way, this will be a very loved pet, and showing is more for us to learn with the dog and see if it's something we can do more of in the future.
So now I need some names.. We have Chester, Klaus (pronounded like cloud with an s instead of d). We both agree we would prefer a male, but never know!
hmm.. so hard to choose just one! we go back in 4-5 weeks to see them again..
Here's our big boy who can't wait to be a big brother
Monday, November 07, 2011
I remember I was 13 and my mom took a picture of me to "prove" to me how "horrible" I looked. I was in a size 9/10 and I was confident in my body. I didn't have a care in the world. All I heard from 13 onward was how heavy I was, how horrible I dressed, etc, so I started binging & purging, but mostly binging. I yo-yo'd from size 16 - 24 throughout highschool. I was able to get back to a 9/10 for graduation, then back up to a 20. I was stuck in the 20-24 sizes forever, and when I lost weight and got down to a 14/16 in '98 I thought I was sexy! I got to 16/18 for summer and felt better about myself, but still wasn't feeling as confident or as sexy as I wanted to. The pictures still showed this big blob me. So I started feeling self pity, and overwhelmed and frustrated. I started hearing those negative voices in my head. Then it went from those horrible voices to, ok, just today I'm going to eat this and tomorrow I'm going to make better choices. One more day of this wont hurt, I'm not really gaining, I know what to do, I'll start again tomorrow. Well, I'm back to a size 18/20 again, and restarting my life style changes since I fell back into bad habits. Today has been a good day so far. The time change has me a bit confused, but I made sure to eat properly so far today. I have to remind myself I want to be sexier MORE than I want to feel full (overfull) and that I'll be happier once I'm eating and exercising properly. This goal setting is really getting to me though. What are my goals, and what rewards will I give myself? I also need to stick my ground with my family. If they don't like it too bad, that's their problem. I'm not going to reward them with fast food because they didn't do dishes or clean the kitchen. Nope, i'll go home, complain about the lack of help while cleaning them myself, and then cooking dinner. By doing this, they will help out because they feel bad that they didn't help out. Hopefully they will help out more without it getting to that point (or the bribery point). I have to remind myself every day, I am accountable for myself, what I choose to do today. If I want to have a sweet treat, I need to earn it and it needs to be a special thing. I also need to curb my spending, so I think I am going to create a money account. Every day I am good, I will put money in that account - rather than spending it on food. I will save it up so I can buy myself something and feel proud that not only did I earn the reward by eating healthy, but I also have that extra money that I saved and can spend on what ever I want. I put $5 in it today - for not buying a cookie, danish, chips, or candy. This will be done. I need to maintain my health and get healthier.
Monday, October 31, 2011
I could eat from morning to night. Something is up, and I don't know what. I've even considered buying hypnotic tapes to listen to at night. I just can't seem to eat enough food to be satisfied. It's not the hunger, I know that, but I can't pinpoint what it is, and every time I'm having a good day, where I'm doing excellent, something happens (usually at home with the hubby). He says that we will start back up at the end of November - after my bday and thanksgiving. I have been trying to curb things now anyway. It's just so dam hard, and now that it's cold, I want to eat and hibernate. My whole body is aching and screaming in various pains, mostly from this cold weather - and it's not even winter here yet. My legs stiffen up, mostly my ankles and feet wont bend when they are cold. My knees don't bother me much, mostly my ankles, hands, elbows, and neck. I'm rearranging my computer room again so I can open up my treadmill in there. I've been colder than previous years though, it's so weird. And cold makes me want to sleep. So I'm going to really try and get some exercise in to help me warm up and stay limber, it just seems so difficult. I'm taking extra vit-d now that I'm not out in the warm sun, melatonin so I fall to sleep perfectly, magnesium to help with the migraines. My doc gave me provigil for the chronic fatigue stuff/sleep apnea stuff - but I don't like the way I feel on that. I'd rather take a half a five hour energy. The provigil is very weird and makes me very add/adhd, ranging from hyper focus to shifting can't focus on one thing. I even lost my wallet, forgot my work badge, etc. on the stuff. No thank you. I slept almost the whole weekend and still feel tired today. And it's not from thyroid or anything they can pinpoint as the cause. Just tellin me I have MS, Central & Obstructive Apnea, and that is causing chronic fatigue syndrome. Gee thanks. So Eat & Sleep is all I wanna do. Well, I'm forcing myself to not give in. And I have three miniature tangerines at my desk for when I want to eat. I've portioned out everything for work, it's just so hard.
Monday, October 10, 2011
So I didn't realize just how depressed I was until I had a moment to read my previous blogs - once my body gave into a horrible sinus infection, ear infection, and who knows what else. I'm on my second week of antibiotics combined with sinus rinses, and a few other medicines. I'm starting to feel a bit normal physically, and have been doing things like picking up sticks, walking in circles in the house, parking farther away, etc. just to get some extra movement in. My depression hit a low, and I of course, turned to food. I'm not really sure why I'm so depressed. Sure I've had a few setbacks with the car accident & stuff, but I'm still doing better (emotionally/financially/parenting) than ever in my life. And I FEEL LAZY. yeah, that's not good. Since I've only been doing little things here & there each day, it's helped a little, but not enough. So I NEED to follow my own instructions. I NEED to do a regular daily exercise routine. I know I can't do it early - because my hubby feels if I get up early, that means I have time to take care of the dog and whatever else needs to get done. He doesn't understand that the routine should stay the same because I only get up early for exercising. So I'm hoping I continue to get home earlier than him from work. I have to remember things like, my daughter has her own tv in her own room. She can do homework in there if she is distracted by my exercise routine in the living room. I have to put myself and my body first, or I'm no good to anyone else. I also need to log into the computer more to track my daily thoughts, ideas, food. I did download the app once more. I'm going to take over Dinners. Some might not be that good, but you know what, at least I know whats going into my body. And I learn quickly, so I will know what to do or not to do next time.
I made great decisions today with food so far, however I did do one thing wrong. I bought one of those raspberry cheese danishes (400 calories) because it was on sale and at the register when I was checking out. I DID NOT eat it. I want to throw it away, but the value is $1.25 and I feel stupid for buying it and tossing it when there are hungry people in this town/state/country/world. So do I toss it anyway to teach myself a lesson? Hold it for one of those more weak moments? Split it up into four sections, and only eat one? Pure sugar/fat/calories. Totally delicious. Maybe I'll ask a coworker if he wants it? if he doesn't, I will have to toss it. I can see my thought process right now..
I will control what goes in my mouth. I will control how often I exercise (daily), and I will get through this cold, through this depression, and onto better things. Today I am wearing tight pants. These pants remind me of where I was just a month ago (when they weren't as tight). They remind me to make better food choices. They remind me that I need to lose a lot more weight. They remind me it's my choice, and no one can do it for me. I would not have fit into these pants just six months ago, or a year ago. Actually almost 6 years... Well, I'm in them, and they are now tight, but I am in them. And I need to set new goals, new pants to fit into, new rewards to achieve.
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