Friday, August 21, 2009
Today is my 5th anniversary! I am incredibly lucky to have met the love of my life and added two more blessings to my life in the form of my youngest children. We had a wonderful day today. It was a rainy cloudy day, but we stuck with most of our plans anyway...even though we had to modify a bit. We hiked on a mountain that was where we had one of our first dates, we had a picnic at our property (in our shelter since it was raining :) again). It was a lovely day! Unfortunately, when we came home we were met by a police officer delivering yet another frivilous custody order violation petition from my ex-husband- the third this year I think... My ex and I have been apart for 7 years now, and he just can't give up the ghost. I don't understand him and I never will, but his last lawyer told mine that my ex simply wants to punish me because I have moved on to a wonderful life while he is in a living he**. This almost ruined my day...I almost ate that last piece of ice cream cake from my son's birthday- it was in my hands- but I put it back. I was so upset, but I decided not to let emotional eating add to my reasons for being upset. I took a walk- even though I already ran this morning, hiked this afternoon, and swam with the kids this evening. By the time I came home I was calmed down and had my strategy in place for dealing with this. Step one was to log on to Sparkpeople and post my fitness minutes. Step two was to check my Sparkpage where I found a wonderfully affirming message from a great Sparkfriend. Step three is to calmly plan on how I will handle this latest blip on my horizon while managing my return to work for the fall semester.
I want to let you all know that I am really relying on my family and my Sparkfriends to help me through this next hurdle. I appreciate all your friendship and support...thanks!!!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Tonight my oldest son had his first night of soccer try-outs for JV/Varsity. Some of the other moms and I were chatting by the sidelines about how much running our kids had or had not done during the summer since every day of try-out (two weeks) the kids have to run 5 miles before the practice even starts. One mom mentioned how she had run with her son a few times but struggled with getting a mile and a half in on the track. I mentioned that I started jogging this summer again as a way to get back in shape and she said "oh, you've been walking?" and my reply was that I always walk, but now I am jogging again. I was disturbed by this simple encounter because her surprise and slightly disguised disbelief at the fact that I could be running on a daily basis really bothered me. It showed me, yet again, just how people perceive me and my body and just how far I have to go. Itshowed m yet again the highs and lows that larger people face constantly. It is like being discriminated against, but in this case for my size. I used to always be a healthy looking size 16, sometimes 14. My weight was always above the average, but in part Ialways rationalized that as part of my Germn-Austrian heritage. I reconciled myself to the fact that I would never be petite, but workd very hard to be tough and in shape. I faced almost this exact same problem when I was 15 and went to my first sprint kayak race. I arrived for the weekend race with my coach and he tried to find me a partner for the K-2 (two person races). No one wuld race with me. My feeling was they took one look at me and my size and figured I'd be slow. Well, the first race was a 5,000 meter individual race. I won it by a lot. After that race a bunch of people came up to me and asked if I wuld race with them. It was a bad feeling and a good one at the same time. Even at 15 I realized that I was judged by how I looked. I went on to have an extremely successful kayaking career at the national level and some experience internationally, but I always had to stand up for myself and I dd it well. I did always have a skewed perception of myelf though- I can't believe when I look at my photos of then that I even thought I was fat. I was strong and beautiful and I didn't even realize it. Now, at 41 I weigh 35 to40 pounds more than I should to be at "fighting weight". I am truly big. I wear a size 18 or 20. I've had four kids and have the typical baby belly and wide hips to show for it. The good news is that I workout every day, can jog 4 miles at my own pace, walk 6 miles with two kids totaling 70 pounds in a stroller, kayak for an hour at a pace that is still fast, bike hilly trails, teach college level courses, and manage an active family life. The bad news is that one comment like I got tonight turns me back into that insecure 15 year old, only this time I know I am "fat" and I know what I look like. There is a major running race in October in our town that half the town seems to partcipate in- either in the 10K, the 5K, kids' runs, or the 2 mile family stroll. At this point I am thinking that I should sign up fr the race and publicly humilate myself by running it at a slow speed, but running it so I can show people that I can do it. I have hidden behind the crazy busy life I lead and I need to step forward and challenge myself. I need o get my self-esteem and self-confidence stronger so that I don't crumble at a relatively innocent comment that someone makes. Most of all, I need to get my body back and let all the naysayers know just what I am capable of.
Friday, August 07, 2009
I decided to kick my butt into gear by creating my own personal boot camp. My family doesn't really know I am doing this- I am just doing more activities and either dragging everyone along under the guise of "family time" or taking a little extra time for me here and there. So far it is working! A mid boot camp check of the scales shows I am back to normal. My goal is to lose a little weight of course, so I am happy with the direction and pushing for more. I go back to work around the 20th of this month and I am worried about getting stuck in the work rut- break room snacks and too much time at a desk. The good news is that my classes this semester are in a different building than my office so I have a built in excuse for walking. Every step counts, right? I also have to get back in the mind-set that I deserve to take a little time each day for working out in order to reach my goals, and if I can't fit in my favorite workout (kayaking!), that I have to suck it up and get on the rowing erg or go for a jog- two activities that burn a ton of calories but are certainly not favs. In short, no matter what is happening around me I need to take the time to burn the calories I need to create a deficit and a weight loss. I also need to not let the stressors of my life turn into emotional eating. I had a stressful experience tonight and I consciously kept myself from eating. I am proud of myself tonight! My big goal is to lose 35 pounds from where I am now. If I can do that, I would like to reward myself with a major experience. I'd really like to do a swim with the dolphins but I feel pretty self conscious being the size I am now. Over the next year or two we will most likely be making a family trip to Florida. I'd really like to feel comfortable enough to do the dolphin swim, so I plan to post some visual reminders of the possibilty. For now, on to sleep so I am ready for day 3 of boot camp! Hoo-rah!
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Okay, here we are- a new month, a fresh start. I have definitely continued to work on making healthy eating choices and getting lots of exercise, but I struggled with attitude and motivation this last month. I also think I obsessed a little too much about my eating, which in turn kicked my emotional eating tendencies into overdrive. I bought myself a cute little ring yesterday (which my husband has yet to notice- lol-) that has a quote on it "the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step". This reminded me that I have taken that step (and more) and need to keep on walking (literally and figuratively) to reach my goals. The weight I need to lose is like walking a thousand miles, but while walking a thousand miles seems impossible if you go just a little bit each day you'll eventually do it. So, I am back on for this month with a renewed and peaceful focus on my goals. Wish me luck!
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