Wednesday, September 12, 2012
It looks like I'm about to get more exercise than I hoped for. Yesterday I went to the HR department of the post office and pretty much begged for any help I could get to keep my job. Thankfully I met with one of the sweetest women. She gave my number to a guy in the department who hires carriers. He gave me a call back today and apologized that our paperwork had gotten mixed up.
So if this paperwork is approved (my driving record) and I can pass my test I will be a carrier right by my house :) In fact, from what it sounded like, one day a week my house will be on my route.
That means I'm going to be walking. YAY!
In the rain a lot. YAY!
And home just in time for dinner with the kiddos... which is kind of a bummer because I've liked being a stay at home mom. I'm hoping when I talk to them that I can be approved to work part time instead of full time. But at this time I'll take what I can get.
The funny thing is, last nigh I was laying down with Josh in bed just venting. I told him I felt like he just assumed that if it didnt' have to deal with his job, it was my responsibility.
Dinner, my responsibility.
School events, taking kids to school, getting kids from school, my responsibility.
Making sure our house was presentable, not just clean enough for today, my responsibility.
Making sure the kids were happy, my responsibility.
I told him when things fail in our house, I feel it's all on me.
And I know he takes on a lot of responsibilities but when things fail, he doesn't seem to be as sad about it as I am.
And he agreed with me.
He said he's always just understood that when we're together things will be fine. But didn't realize how much of that is because I refuse for things to not be fine.
But I said I felt like I was crumbling and felt like I was getting nowhere as the peace keeper in our house and the less people help me or comfort me, the faster I'm going to go back to being the Laura I hated, suicidal, uncaring, sad, and a failure.
So this morning I took the kids to school, assumed nothing would change. When I got home he was up and apologized that he didn't set his alarm. Then we had breakfast together, he went to work, I got the call from the post office.
This time yesterday I was crying in my car. I told God that I knew he had a plan for me, Josh, and the boys. I knew I was supposed to be patient because faith is knowing without seeing. But sometimes its just nice to get a little hint of it's gong to be ok. I guess I asked a day too early.
Praying this carrier position is accepted. And if it is, I have to figure out how I'm going to tell the two people that have been waiting for the post office to change its rules to swap with me that I can't be part of their swap anymore. I feel guilty but I have to do what I have to do for my family. And hopefully they understand.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
After spending half the night worried about money and my weight and Lee's two shelves of sweets that he moved for me... into the pantry... right by the rest of the food... I decided I'm not going to worry anymore.
They take the car, they take the car. My focus is roof over head, electricity, water, phone, and food. I can learn to ride a bus. My mother in law said she'd help with rent until I get a job so why worry about it? I will not cry if they turn off our cable. I don't watch tv anyways. They take our internet, I'll go to the library.
Things will suck for our roomate because everything is in my name. But he's Josh's friend and a pain in my butt so I'll let Josh deal with him. If the internet and cable bother him so much, he can pay for it now and we can pay him back later. With all the times we helped him out in Texas and never asked for anything back, he can kiss my royal rear end if he thinks I'm going to worry about him having to pay more to play TF2 and Battlefeild. He moved in with us so he wouldn't have to pay for an apartment for one person, we moved the bulk of his stuff up here with us in our uhaul and never asked for any money, he pays barely anything for utilities because we split the bills up 5 ways (4 for my family, 1 for him), when I cook dinner I always invite him to eat some of it with us because there's no point in 2 dinners being made, I walk his dog 5 times a day, I clean the apartment every day. Truth is he owes me big time.
And the fit that he threw because I asked him to not put sweets all around our house yesterday royally pissed me off. I said "it's hard for me to tell my kids and myself no if thats what we see on top of the fridge, in the fridge, in the pantry, by the couch, and on the counter". He replied "It's my house too." I know that but be respectful of your roomates. I don't just vacuum around his dogs fur on our couch, I wash his dishes, I don't leave my underwear on top of the dryer, I don't touch his stuff, because its the right thing to do. So if you see someone struggling you help them.
And Josh had to step in to get Lee to listen. I don't think the guy understands how much of a pain he really is as a person. But I work really hard to not see the bad side of people. I work really hard to try and be understanding.
So Hakuna Matata. I'm going to let life change me anymore. There is always going to be a Lee in my life. There's always going to be money issues. There's always going to be temptations on the counter or in the pantry. I'm going to live life the BEST that I can and not worry about the rest. If I win, I win. If I lose I lose. But I'm not going to worry anymore.
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