KATY6595   575
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Eat like a grownup!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I read an article last night that talks about eating like a grown up or letting the child inside me decide what I eat. That really struck a nerve and it is something that I really need to be aware of. Every time I have been on a "diet" the food that I "cheat" with are almost always "kid foods". Peanut butter sandwiches, ice cream sandwiches, cookies....the list goes on and on. So I need to put that little girl who decides what I eat in her place. No food is going to change my childhood-nothing I eat is going to make that little girl any happier. All it does is make this adult fatter and more unhappy. One of the items in the article said that if I don't let the child inside of me handle my emotions with food then I have to start handling my emotions like an adult. SCARY SCARY SCARY!!!! Am I a real grown up????!! i guess I better be-I have 2 toddlers that need a grown up for a mom-not a scared little girl who makes decisions a immaturely as they do.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GEEOHDEESGIRL 6/24/2009 2:40PM

    Um, did you write this for me???? LMHO!

I read this blog, like...OHMIGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT makes so much sense. It really does. Everything that gets me into trouble is "kid food". OH WOW! So, yea....time to grow up, now that I'm 31, eh? Good gracious!

Thank you so much for sharing this...gives a very interesting perspective of things.


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Who knew??

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

So as it turns out I have a gym in my basement!! The elliptical trainer that I bought 3 years ago-a weight bench-several hand weights and a giant balance ball. The excuses are getting harder and harder to make....
I am finding that the first 5 minutes on the elliptical are the hardest and once I get past 10 the last 20-30 aren't bad. I'm doing LOTS of ab work-not because I am kidding myself that the stomach you could bounce quarter off of that I had before I had 2 kids is ever coming back but because my back hurts all the time and I think if I strengthen my core it will likely feel much better. I am way too young to feel this sore and out of shape!
I have done some sort of cardio every day since Friday-that's 5 days of momentum. Maybe the old saying that a body in motion stays in motion will prove to be true-and who knows, maybe some trace of my sex drive will come back too-I haven't seen that in YEARS!!!


Who's fault is it anyway???!!!??

Monday, June 22, 2009

I am calling this an accountability journal instead of a diet blog because I NEED some accountability and this way it won't be another food thing to obsess about. Not that I won't be mostly writing about food and the journey but obviously there is more going on here than more calories in than out. This is a head game as much as an ass game so I guess I better include work on my brain as well as my stomach!
Here is a list that has been rolling around in my head for quite some time-
People who's fault it is NOT that I am so fat!!
1-My husband-He is the easiest to blame for many reasons. He is closest so it's convenient. He likes to make fat jokes at my expense-don't hate him-so I've let him erode my self esteem. He is obsessed with his own weight and the need to lose 30 or so pounds yet he hates anything that's healthy to eat and loves ice cream, mexican food and pizza. He truly believes that it is 1952 America and that despite the fact that I work full time-make a good amount of money and am starting a consulting business-that all things domestic are my responsibility. The kids, the house, the laundry and even some of the decorative yard work. I am often filled with anger and resentment and I have used this as an excuse to eat whatever I want to soothe myself. He doesn't believe in compliments-he thinks people who need them are weak and that people who give them are phony. This is a tough one because I am needy and I need some positive reinforcement. But I am recognizing that and trying to work on taking better care of myself and giving myself positive reinforcement.
He does have really good qualities that I need and that help establish much needed security so that I can focus on taking care of myself. He is a good father-he is here all the time. He loves our family and he provides for us in many ways. He genuinely loves me and once I make him understand what I need he tries very hard to change to make things better for me. Old dog-new tricks....and if there is one thing that I know without questions it is that given enough time my husband ALWAYS does the right thing. Also-he is a great conservative Republican who can name all of the Supreme Court judges and the President that they were appointed by. SMART is SEXY!!!!

2-My children. OK I know they aren't in any way responsible for nor do they contribute to my giant ass but I have used the "overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted mother of 2 toddlers" excuse very well for the last nearly 4 years. I don't get enough sleep because they don't sleep through the night consistently. I get crazy stressed at meal times and put anything I can get in my hands in my mouth. They don't like salad and vegetables so I must buy cookies and ice cream. I am too busy taking care of them and their needs to exercise or take care of myself. See where this is going? My children are the most beautiful, joyful, splendid blessings from God who remind me each and every second of the day what I am on this earth for-to be their mother. They bring me a sense of joy and love that I never even imagined before they were born. They are also a great reason to get my big ass in shape. I really don't want to be the FAT MOM once they are old enough to notice-and that day is getting perilously close!!!

3-My parents. This could be a book in itself but I will try to abbreviate. Divorced when I was 2-never spent much time with my dad. Mom drank and medicated through the majority of my early years. Her medication ranged from Johnny Walker Red to prescription tranquilizers to steak and beef stroganoff. Many days a peanut butter and jelly sandwich was the very best thing that happened to me. This is likely where I learned to use food for joy-a new box of cereal was a great reason to get out of bed and get ready for school. I was overweight by the time I was 5 years old and never ever have I been in a normal weight range since then.
We spent a lot of very happy time with my mothers parents who always had lots of yummys and who's house was very safe and happy. Also-used food there for joy and stability. Lesson from my mom reinforced over and over. Once I was about 7 or 8 my grandmother started worrying about my weight and soon when I was at their house instead of being the safe food carnival it had always been-it was diet camp. She monitored my food and arranged for exercise. In hindsight I am sure she was doing what she thought was best but I think it might have added to some of my food issues. When I was 9 one of my sisters and I moved in with my dad and his wife and they really were the diet Nazis. Also-doing what they thought was the right thing at the time I am sure but DAMN-I felt like a fat smelly little freak at their house. I would go to my mothers on the weekends and eat thousands of calories of CRAP while she drank and passed out. Mom meant unconditional love and that meant letting me eat whatever I wanted to. Dad's house meant rules and restrictions and making me eat healthy food and do something aside from watching TV. Ok-so these issues and their root causes are out on the table and in this blog. I am almost 42 years old with children of my own-I can not continue to be controlled by a bowl of ice cream or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!!! NO ONE is putting the spoon in my hand. NO ONE buys the groceries but me!!! NO ONE orders for me at restaurants!!!! This is my history, my story and alot of the things about me that I love the most I got from both of my parents and my grandparent's. (By the way and for the record-Granddaddy was perfect and in no way should be implicated in this rant!!!!)
SOOOOOOO-as any good addict does, I have been BLAMING anyone and everyone but me for my food issues and DENYING responsibility too. If I don't take responsibility now then I will die a fat bitter woman and worse I will teach my children to do the same. If I make one change on this new journey and it sticks-taking responsibility for my fat and my role in getting it here could well be the one that gets rid of it!!!


Another fresh start???

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Ok-so yesterday I sort of stumbled onto Spark poeple while I was reading the Diet Girl web page. I HATE HATE HATE recording what I eat!!!! Detest/resist accountability? I think so. But here I am trying to get yet another fresh start to try and tame this beast that is my struggle with food, exercise, body image, body hatred, balance and taking care of myself. What will be different htis time?
1- I am really going to write something each day about the struggle-good, bad and ugly. I have thousands of thought in my head about this and perhaps if I write them down it will seem a little less daunting....I hope I hope I hope!! I am so very very tired of obsessing with my weight and especially with food. What I eat-what I dont eat-what I did eat and hate myself for.
2-I am NOT going to do the no carb crazy I cant eat anything good anymore plan. It is too black and white and it is way too easy to give myself permission to take a break from it and then eat EVERY single thing that I deprive myself of when I am "being good". Diet girl make sense when she writes that the goal is to make more good choice than bad choices.
3. MOVE more....walk my dog/kids. Go to the Y that I am begging my husband to join-use the gym quality eliptical machine that I bought when my 4 year old was 3 months old to lose that baby weight (I am approximately 30 pounds heavier than I was then in case you were wondering if it worked).
4-Maybe the most important of all-I am going to remind myself that I am not so special that making normal sensible changes won't work for me.