Monday, June 24, 2013
i don't know about you, but i get this best spark blogs of the week sent to my email. i won't lie, i don't always read it.
but i read one just recently about a guy asking about us sparkers who have disappeared. well as a sparker who frequently disappears, i can tell you this.
we are not on the site. therefore we are doing bad eating/exercising. and we feel guilty, fat, and unmotivated, also we feel that our bad eating/exercising is allowed or deserved (maybe we've been going through rough times). but we desperately need to be back on the site.
but we have not made our health a priority.
so here i am. i NEED to track. yet i haven't in a month or so. and my legs are the fattest they've ever been. and i need to wear a bathing suit in 3 days. and i can't just hide in the water. i've got to stand and supervise children in said bathingsuit.
yep. i'm feeling pretty down on myself.
but i'm telling myself tomorrow is another day, and tomorrow i'm going to make better choices than i made today.
Thursday, May 02, 2013
so i seriously have an eating disorder. i don't know what i'm doing over here, but i know i'm not trying to get it in order. i feel like i am getting worse and worse and hoping for what? an intervention? something really bad to happen? a doctor to tell me what i should do?
about a week ago, i realized i was really eating out of control, and had been for some time. i told myself, in order to be more accountable, i need to start tracking. i wasn't responsible enough to eat without tracking. usually when i track, i start out tracking a high number, but gradually i get lower and lower, and eventually teeter towards my sparkpeople recommended calories. but this week, i'm just eating more and more. i'm feeling disgustingly full and i'm seriously ashamed of myself.
i just went for a walk (it's 9pm) because i'm so full i feel like i can't even sleep, but i just waddled around, saw a few skunks and had to come back inside. my gym membership is expiring in a few weeks, and i know i need to get more active, and practice a lot more self control with my eating, but as of right now i seriously don't know what's going to get me from here to there.
i kind of want to be back in the midst of a BLC challenge, but i find those challenges a bit too overwhelming. i seriously can't focus on 12 things at the same time AND post every day as well. My take away from those things were chatting with people who knew something about weight loss and all of their support, and focusing on ONE THING PER WEEK. Like, this week eat 4 veggies a day, next week workout as much as you can. I like that. But generally, it's much more time consuming than that. Ain't nobody got time for that!
So i need help, and i decided posting a blog was a good way to reach out and at least admit to myself that it's not going well, and acknowledging that something has to change.
i'm going to shop around the site and see if there is anything out there that looks good.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
so this has been a better week. i have gone to bed hungry most nights and i always see that as a sign of success. that means i'm not gorging myself.
i can thank me for that.
i had a bit of a "Breakthrough" moment in my body works class on monday. it's like cardio with weights. i really like that class because i really feel the burn, during and after. also, this teacher doesn't mess around. so, this is only the second time i've taken this class, but i've been working out at the gym for like 3 months now, and i was still really struggling. and i was getting really upset with myself too. because i mean, how come i STILL can't do this stuff. how come my thigh muscles are STILL pathetic? i don't get it. i was on the verge of tears, thinking to myself, i'm going to be fat forever, i'm never going to be in shape, yet i still pushed through. maybe i didn't do all the repetitions (like she wanted us to) but i didn't walk out and i didn't cry. she kept yelling, "Why are you here?" and i know i'm there to work out and push myself, but god, it's SOOOOOO HARD to get in shape. i mean it's seriously one of the hardest things.
so it was a big moment for me. i mean, i didn't have a great big win or anything, but i was reflective, and i realized i DO have to work harder.
so as a result, i'm not eating to the point of disgust. i'm thinking a little bit more about my food (not 180 turnaround or anything) and i'm thinking i need to get in there to do more cardio on top of the 3-4 cardio classes and strength training i'm already doing. i need to see results. if i don't see results soon, its going to get harder and harder to motivate. i just want to lose some weight already!
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
SO, let's start with a few questions...
1. what's a good whey protein? where do i buy it? what do i put it with?
2. do other people bruise when they work out? it happens when i work out pretty hard. like last week i worked out every day, and i went rock climbing and snowboarding for two of those days. next thing you know, i have a huge bruise on my calf.
3. how do people realistically deny themselves things they want? i seriously can't say no. and some people would say avoid the situations, but i can't. the stuff is everywhere.
4. my working out isnt working. it's because i'm still eating crap. and maybe i'm not working out hard enough. maybe because i'm past 30 now. whatever it is, it's been harder, and i know i've done it before without killing myself. yet that's not the case right now.
5. lean proteins to snack on? i need protein to fill up!
ok. well that's enough for now. more soon!
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