Saturday, March 19, 2011
While shopping I got to chatting with another lady about fiber. When I turned around I found a woman going through my cart and tossing things into hers! I told her that the cart was mine, not discount, and we all had a nice laugh about it. In the end she said, "You really got a lot of good stuff in there! That's my kind of basket." I was pretty proud of myself.
I don't know about anyone else but when I shop I feel like all eyes are on the fat lady.
OMG look at all that food, she must eat it in a week!
Oh hon, she does, trust me, she's in here every week.
Can you believe what she just put up there on the till? No wonder why she's so big.
She's got kids and she's feeding them that! What a bad example!
Since starting sparks in 06 I became aware of what I was putting in my mouth, on my plate, in my house and in the cart. I didn't want people thinking I was the fat person who just couldn't control herself, I wanted to be seen as that healthy person who was setting an example for her children and for others. So when I go shopping I pile on fresh fruits and veggies and lean meats and yes I slip up sometimes. Like I always say, you can have cake and eat it too...you just can't eat the whole thing!
So what were the items the woman took from my cart and put into her's? I can't remember them all but here are the ones I do remember:
Kashi Oatmeal Cookies ( yummy high in fiber treat!) This is what I caught in her hand LOL.
Kettle Brand Organic Multi Grain Tortilla Chips (want to put them with beans salsa and cheese for nachos, a super fiber meal!)
Shredded Wheat Cereal (sweet breakfast with cold milk!)
Oat Meal (sweet breakfast with warm milk (or water)!)
So having this woman (most likely 120ish pounds...130 tops) pulling out food she would eat and telling me I made great choices on food just made me think...
I'm not just dreaming thin and healthy, I'm thinking thin and healthy, I'm acting thin and healthy and soon I WILL be thin and healthy! Already others are looking at me as the person who makes healthy choices with food. That's something to be proud of!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
So I'm blogging, trying to get a grasp on how I want to handle things. I got my comp on the 4th of March but on my birthday (feb 14th) by paper I started setting up goals. In Feb I was right at 250.2 pounds but by the 28th (I weigh in on mondays) I was 255.4lbs. I figured it was aunt flow but that came and went and not much of a change. So, I've changed my tracker to 255lbs instead of 250lbs. Yep, in 18 months I've managed to gain 15lbs making me heavier than what I was during my pregnancy. I'm not happy but it has always been the norm for me to stay the same weight or be about 10-15lbs over a year or so after wards. What this means is that 255lbs is my new norm. As long as I stay off of meds and such I won't go more than 5lbs over. What this means is that I have to fight my body's new norm through diet and exercise. I can't just do one or the other or just cut back a little on food and increase a little in exercise, I have to go pretty much all or nothing in order to see weight drop. Since taking meds it's always been that way, my system is just too screwed due to them.
Another reality check...anytime I slide off the wagon I'll be right back at 255lbs no doubt. So this time around, instead of saying that I have it under control and not paying any mind until suddenly, 2 months of not tracking anything, I'm back up 20+ pounds, I'm going to have to, for the rest of my life most likely, make weighing in and tracking my food a routine. Even once I reach my goal I'll most likely have to do it monthly just to make sure things aren't sliding back. It may not be because I've "lost my way" but because my system is messed up and I'm getting older. I just may reach that goal and a year later learn that I need to add 10 more mins or working out or take away 100 calories in order to stay where I want to be.
This is a different outlook for me. Before I thought I reach my goal and then just eat "normally" and exercise "normally" in order to maintain it. Now I know I may reach my goal and may have to continue to treat myself as if I'm "losing weight" in order to maintain.
Monday, March 07, 2011
A lot has been going on. First off, yes, Ripley was born (in case you missed that) my rental flooded and we lost just about everything. My desk top crashed and I lost just about everything. We went homeless for about a week or so, bought a house, lost my laptop, lost my brother, lost another laptop...and now we are to the present day today.
I need to jump back onto sparks. The stress is doing a number on me and I need to take back some control. I hope to meet up with old friends and make some new ones.
Hugs and love to you all!-Kat
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Some may remember me talking about the "tweaker" house a few houses from me. This house was rented out about 2 months ago and we now have about 20+ people living in it. One group happened to be a family of 5.
The story goes: Mom fell ill and could not work. Dad lost his job and they lost their home and are renting a room in this house.
The issue is the fact that mom is an ALL day drinker, drunk by night and dad is a meth user or seller and is gone for days at a time.
I don't know what happened to this family and why they are the way that they are. From what I can see, the parents are loving when sober and the kids know that they love them. The house is clean, kids fed, clean, dressed and going to school. I understand that the parents are "sick" and have a drug/drinking issue but I can not say that they do not love their children.
I have tried. Those kids sit on the porch from the time they are out of school till 8-9 at night. Mom is drunk, dad is gone or both are gone. It is heartbreaking. I have called the police, I know that child services won't do a thing cus there is no child abuse or neglect, there is just a broken home and family. Jacob is only 10 and Logan is 5. The oldest is Leah, 12 and she is already gang banging and going south. For the past month I have had those boys at my house, sitting and waiting for me on my porch. Jacob has told me numerous times that he wants to live with me. Our first time meeting and hanging out he said that he wished he could move to this block because they had no home and no friends and here they did. It was the first time we had met...
I have had them for dinner and even over for Easter. Easter was the hardest. They begged to stay. Jacob even stated he would help move all my stuff to storage or clean up the backyard if he didn't have to go home. As I walked him home he had settled on just being allowed to sit on my front or back porch with his brother while we were gone. I should have let them. His father couldn't carry on a conversation he was so drugged and his mother started screaming right at the door. Jacob ran in the house, the Easter basket I had given him in his hand, crying.
They don't get beaten, they are fed but as Jacob puts it, "I like your house better. You are nice and let us do things and play with us. When my mom gets better she says we are going to get a home too and I hope it's that one (pointing across the street at an empty house) so that I can be with you."
They have such high hopes that things are going to get better, that they are going to get a house and home. You should have heard Jacob banging on my door and jumping up about how his mom got her meds and was feeling better. But better never last long, she is a pill popper too...There goes the hope of mom getting better and them having their own home.
I have the neighbors questioning me on why I let the kids over, why I let my kids play with them. Then I have Logan over in the morning crying for Adrian to play and later that evening Jacob telling me that so and so's mom says that they can't play with their kids anymore, "We can only play with your kids now...I don't know why..."
Everyone so concerned about break ins and their crap being stolen, no one calling or helping these kids out. I give them an Easter, I hear crap, I invite them over for dinner I get crap. Everyone is eyeballing me. They are children and there is no need to shun them for the actions of their parents. I am highly disappointed with the adults in this neighborhood and their lack of action in helping these children.
My calls and reports to the police were doing little to nothing so I had informed the parents that calls were being made to the police and that they better get those kids out in hopes they would get it together. Last week housing services came by and the parents decided to move out.
So now instead of these children sitting on their front porch or mine, waiting for me to come home, I get to see them every damn day in the back of a car. Mom and dad still going to the drug house, kids sitting back there just sitting. Jacob comes out and hugs me, tells me he doesn't want to leave and wants to stay with me. Yesterday I tried my best. I stayed in the house, I wasn't going out. They waved and waved and I should have just turned my head but I couldn't. Second I'm out the door Logan burst out of the car, his mom calling for him to get back in. "Trixy I want a hug, I want a hug." I hug him, "No pick me up and hug me!" Jacob just cried in the back of the car. How humiliating.
I walked over with Logan, told both of the parents, "Take care of MY babies." Mom busted to tears saying that she was trying, showed me her new meds, said that she making sure that the boys were cleaned, new clothes, fed, going to school everyday. She said that she didn't know where they were sleeping every night but so far had found a place, mostly motels. I told the boys that I think of them every night, and I do. I told them that I love them, several times and I told them that everything was going to be alright. I reminded them where I lived and told them again that every night I think of them and I do.
I have done all that I could. I know that. I got them out of that house. But it now seems as if not a moment goes by where I don't worry about which house they are in now and if they are sleeping in the back of that car.
The boys made it very clear that all they wanted was a home, their mom to get better and friends. I know that I did the best I could to provide such an environment by opening up my heart and home to them. I regret the fact that I can not do more. That I can not take them in. I know doing so means involving my family with their parents and what comes with their parents. I do not regret my actions, I do not regret our pizza party. I do not regret our Easter Sunday. I do not regret not being able to turn my head the many times that they sat in that car trying to get my attention. It may hurt every time I wave back but I can not allow them to think that I do not love them or that I have forgotten them.
I will keep faith and remain hopeful that their parents can provide them with more security, more love and the family and home that they so much want and deserve. I will keep faith and remain hopeful that until they are able to do so, that there will be someone who can take my place and fill that void.
I will remind myself that I am a good person for doing what I could to help those children have a childhood worth remembering. I am a much better person then those around me who shut them out. I know that I will forever be part of their life in memory.
I will remind myself that I am a good mother. My children not only have a roof over their heads, food in their belly and clothes on their back but they have a home, a place where someone tells them every day that they are loved, shows them every day that they are appreciated. They have a family and a home where they feel wanted, loved, secure and a part of.
I know I can not save them all and that I must let it go. In time I will. At this moment I wish not and will accept the heartbreak that will come when I decide not to close my curtains and turn away when they wave and call out to me to talk and comfort them.
I ask that you pray and keep me, Jacob and Logan in your thoughts. That my love for them changes their life in a positive way. That my actions, words and tears become a life long lesson of humanity to my children and to them. That I never forget this heartbreak and that it cause me to continue to on with making positive changes to all. But most of all pray that the spirit of their innocence and youth is not fully lost. That they can carry positive memories of their childhood, of family and home that will allow them to become men who are a productive member or our society and fathers who will provide their children with all that was missing from their childhood during this time.
I leave you with a favorite quote of mine.
"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with."-MJ
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