KATRINIA17   39,381
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In the Ring

Friday, July 18, 2008

The time is nearly midnight; Iíve waited way to long. Pushing myself up out of my chair I try to differentiate between my mental and physical well being. My heart gives a quick skip and instantly I take the stairs down two at a time. The muscles of my legs are the strings of a guitar plucked, vibrating and stiffening with the movement. But there is no music, just silence throughout the house.

I reach for my work out gear, my heart gives another quick skip and before I know it, Iíve got my running shoes in one hand, my water bottle in the other and my yoga mat under my arms which just like my legs play that guitar music with every movement. I drop the gear onto the kitchen counter and began to place the mat out onto the floor. I sit down on my mat, my outer thighs touching the cold gray tile floor, and inhale the light scent of roasted chicken and herbs. It sends me to a comfortable place. Slowly I began to put on my running shoes, white laces pulling through my thumbs and fingers as I lace them up. My heart gives a quick skip, my body continues to play its guitar strings. Iím a lonely old country song, tired and beat but not yet ready to die, a cowboy stepping out into the ring.

Click, the stereo turns on and the churning gears of the C.D. player begin. Another click and a final slide of the CD and the music begins to play. My heart gives a quick skip and yet I am calm, I am ready.

The strings of my thighs are plucked away to a rhythm set to music. I stretch, I sway, and I march into the next track.

My heart gives a quick skip.

Jumping jacks remind me of those elementary school days out in the sun on our little paint colored numbers that made sure that we were all the correct distance apart. Coach would call out the number and everyone began their jumps, legs far apart, arms swinging in the airs and then a loud SLAP as they hit your thighs and you screamed out ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX!

Seven never comes out. My throat feels like the opening of a volcano but there is no lava, there is no air to push from my burning chest. My guitar strings no longer stiffen, but continue to vibrate, thighs and calves unable to hold me up. Iíve got one minute and thirty seconds worth of jumping jacks to do. In grade school I would have been done by now. SEVEN!

Maybe some slow marching before I aim for a total of ten?

When you are 200lbs and considered obese, you could march for hours after doing seven jumping jacks. But my heart keeps on quickly skipping and the numbers in my head continue to rise. Twenty, no letís make it fifty. Wait, how about an even sixty? Sixty works.

EIGHT! NINE! TEN! The room shakes from the inside of my head. I have to break these down by twenty I think.

If I was in grade school I be running the mile by now, done and over with jumping jacks.

Thank goodness the mile is not next.

I quickly fall to the floor embracing the cold tile face first. My heart gives a quick skip and I roll over and begin my minuteís worth of crunches. My back and neck strains, and I adjust the whole way through but I make sure that I get in at least twenty-five before making my way up to those dreaded jumping jacks.

Sixty more done, twenty-five crunches finished and I make my way through set three, the strings of my thighs no longer vibrating, they no longer are attached to the guitar.

I begin my marching, glad to be done with the jumping jacks and when the minute and a half is over, I quickly drop with out a beat and go into push up form.

ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! The numbers come quickly and my heart gives a quick skip. A smile forms on my face and by number thirty it quickly vanishes as I strain to lift myself back up. Drip, drip, slide, the sweat falls and by number thirty-two, so do I.

Onto my belly, I strain to lift my arms and legs off the ground and into a superman like pose. In the Arizona summer heat I would press myself up against the cool brick wall of my bedroom. I wanted so badly to melt into that gray kitchen tile.

Up again Iím marching. Down again Iím pushing. Once again Iím on the floor but unlike last time, when I was on my back like a roach with a mission for a six pack abs, this time I lay there completely dazed as if Iíve been hit by a can of Raid. How long have Iíve been holding this pose?

One more time, up, down, my arms have stopped playing, Iím not getting back up.

The track on the C.D changes, my heart gives a quick skip, the strings have been adjusted and the guitar has been electrified, I began to pluck away.

I canít hear the music but I know the words and this time they explode from my chest, ďRisin' up back on the streetsÖĒ

My arms swing as I bob around the room. My feet tangling up with the mat below them, my fist in a sweaty tight ball, cutting into the palms of my hands with my nails but I take no notice, ďItís the eye of the tiger itís the cream of the fightÖĒ

The light shines over head, the music blares through my ears but there is no sound, I swivel, I turn I bounceÖwho put that damn counter there. I donít feel the pain; I donít even open my eyes. JAB! CROSS CUT! UPPER CUT! JAB! SMACK! My fingers burn but I tighten them up even harder and squint through one eye to see the white door of the fridge just a foot away from me. I swear Iím gonna take that damn fridge down.

The strings are getting loose, the song is coming to an end and yet my heart gives a quick skip. ďWent the distance; now I'm not gonna stop. Just a man and his will to surviveÖĒ

Slide, click, the c.d. comes to a stop but thereís still noise. My legs give a last wobble like an overly loosened string and soon Iím on my knees. The guitar has stopped playing. The tile should be cool under my hands but I canít tell, maybe I no longer care. My chest still erupts and the lava flows from me even though there are no words. The light still hangs over head and in my mind it in cases me. Itís a blur, itís a flickering of flashes, itís a roar of sounds that I canít even make out.

I lift my head, my hands slide over my face, past my brow and the bridge of my nose. I can smell it; it burns and inflames my nostrils with pain and pride. Itís the scent of human flesh and spirit thatís been beaten until it found itís self worth. I can make out a sound, slush, a wave; my mouth is quenched with the taste of salt. Slide, drip, drip itís falls off of me and splatters to the floor. I open my swollen eyes, burning red with sweat and see nothing more then gray tile and kitchen counter tops.

Itís past midnight; Iíve waited way to long. Pushing myself up off the floor I try to differentiate between my mental and physical well being. My heart gives a quick skip and instantly Iím standing on my own two feet, the muscles of my legs, strings of a guitar plucked, vibrating and stiffening with the movement. But there is no music, just silence throughout the house and I close my eyes and listen to it knowing that tomorrow the bell will ring and round three will begin.

-Kat

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHELLREED 7/21/2008 1:11PM

    as usual so very well said my friend!!!

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VMGALLEGOS13 7/18/2008 9:45PM

    Awesome blog.

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PHILSPHATWIFE 7/18/2008 3:02PM

    Now who's motivating who? I loved this story It's so exactly how i feel this week too. You have a gift i hope you choose to share with the wider world. Thank you for letting me know i'm not the only one stepping into that ring praying for the end of the round.

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RIP Jade

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I should be doing my workout right now but I just found out about 20 mins ago that a close friend of mine has passed away.

I get close to my internet buddies since I'm a military wife who is on the move so often, I often only have my internet buddies as constant friends.

I have 3 sites that stay up all the time no matter what...Sparks, Babyfit and Writing.com. Lately I've been just checking in on the other two and have been focusing my time over here on sparks.

Today during my check in to Writing.com I was informed that my dear and close friend Jade had passed away from a heart attack the day before.

With Jade, I would go through her work, reading her stuff and reviewing it for her. We send jokes, had private chats and even brought up the other sites.

She wasn't just another person who thought my page was cool and dropped by to tell me. No, everyday we were on we chatted up a storm, leaving emails, ims and all. I felt as if I knew her kids through the nonstop images sent back and forth.

She was half way through her novel and was totally excited about it. It's a novel that will never be finished by her.

I am half way through my novel, one that she had read most of and was enjoying...one that she will never finish reading.

But the facts that we were both half way through novels, had children of the same age group and loved to write and read weren't the only things we had in common...

We both are over weight...Obese...

Now one of us leaves behind a 2 year old son and 9 year old daughter due to a sudden heart attack.

The other has her 2 year old on her lap and her 10 and 8 year old dancing down stairs and wonders..."will tomorrow be my heart attack?"

I have a chicken patty here and half an avocado that won't be finished..I have a 40 min circuit training session that will be done....I have at least 80 lbs that I will lose....I have one heart attack I will prevent...And tonight I have one friend I am mourning...Because tonight I am the friend who was given another chance to be here tomorrow with her children, family and friends.

Thank you Jade for all your friendship, your wonderful work and your support. I miss you already, I love you and I promise you that I will finish my novel and I will be around to finish many, many more.

Rest in Peace Jadedusk/Dawn P.

Love-Kat/Everydaywriting

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FERGIE362 7/17/2008 11:38PM

    emoticon I feel you.. emoticon

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TRECECOOKS 7/17/2008 2:02PM

    Dear Kat, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I have no words. . .

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SHELLREED 7/17/2008 1:53AM

    beautifully put my friend and I am sure that your friend would appreciate your heart felt message..I am sorry for your loss, but very happy for your insight and for sharing it with all of us.

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~*JACKIE*~ 7/17/2008 1:20AM

    A beautiful blog, for an obviously beautiful friend. Very touching.

It's something how others can truely affect our lives. emoticon

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STACEY-P 7/15/2008 6:18PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and her family.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PEACHEZ82 7/15/2008 2:53PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. emoticon

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VMGALLEGOS13 7/15/2008 2:15PM

    ((((HUGS))) sweety.

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CONSTANCELG 7/15/2008 11:23AM

    Life is a journey, we never know when ours will end, who we will leave behind, what our legacy will be, but we can be sure we will leave unexpected and those lives we touched will forever be changed. You sound blessed for having had her as your friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Celebrate her life, she deserves it.
Constance

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MIMILICIOUS 7/15/2008 10:56AM

    Kat ~ I'm so sorry to hear of your friends passing. This was a beautiful blog and should be a tribute to her. She's smiling at you from above, don't ever doubt that.

~Hugs~

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PHILSPHATWIFE 7/15/2008 10:40AM

    Kat i'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I will keep you and your friends family in my prayers.

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DRAWNTHISWAY 7/15/2008 7:24AM

    I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's untimely departure. May peace be with her family during this trying time.

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MAMAJO1958 7/15/2008 6:53AM

    Kat my thoughts are with you. emoticon and hang in there!

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VIVACIOUSBEAUTY 7/15/2008 5:30AM

  emoticon

Chantal

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OFEDEOZ 7/15/2008 1:57AM

    emoticon

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FULLOFFAITH 7/15/2008 1:38AM

    Very sorry to hear about your friend. My prayers are with you and her family.

Lisa

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KARATEMOM02 7/15/2008 1:20AM

    I am so sorry for your loss. It is situations like this that make us realize how much we take for granted. my thoughts are with you.

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AARJENWAR 7/15/2008 1:11AM

    It is hard to lose a friend. I am so sorry for your loss.

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CLAIRSEAN 7/15/2008 1:08AM

    emoticon I am sorry for your loss

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12 years ago on June 5th

Sunday, July 13, 2008

I'm starting to feel normal even though I'm feeling a little mentally and emotionally shaken...

In fact, I'm wondering if the month of June and July are the "Bad" months. I've been prepping for August and September, the time where the kids go back to school and we await daddy's return. The truth though is that June and July are normally my rough months along with March (march is a story for another time!).

My sister passed away 12 years ago at the age of 10. Her death was June 5th. Her birthday is June 30th.

I knew it was there. I remembered it and expected something but at the same time, I kept myself busy joining challenges up the wa-hoo and inventing them when there was nothing left to join.

But I think I know me a little to well. When things are expected to get rough, when they do get rough, I normally try to counteract it all. No one notices because I'm just out there. It takes a while for me to notice it too.

See, I've been mentally pumped to get things done and all but for the past almost 2 months I've not been happy at all. I make a goal, I meet it and surpass it and still feel that I've not done enough.

Is it just me or does it sound as if I'm trying to keep busy...find fault...break myself?

Maybe I'm trying to find myself?

Maybe I'm trying to save myself before I lose myself?

Maybe I'm trying to forget but not forget myself?

Maybe I haven't trained for years...Maybe I haven't hurt for years...Maybe it's time to go back to the beginning...

I can never forget the beginning, that last year I trained...

Track season was over and I was working out a new running plan for the summer with a friend...

12 years ago on June 5th....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CONSTANCELG 7/14/2008 3:46PM

    Allow yourself to heal, we all heal in our own time. emoticon

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SHELLREED 7/13/2008 6:31PM

    I feel your pain.. I sometime wonder what people mean when they say that time will heal the wounds and pain that we feel from loss... I lost my Dad to cancer 5 years ago in August and most of the time I am ok, I think of him all the time I still talk with him all the time but on June 23 (his birthday) and August 5 (date of death) I rethink me all time... It is not a bad thing my friend, please know that you are doing a great job and there are many of us that are very thankful for all that you do, for all the yelling, for the kick butt challenges that you put us through.. hahah.. WE LOVE YOU!!!! You will make through this tough time and we are all here for you!!

Love, Rocky Shell

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TRECECOOKS 7/13/2008 4:29PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAMAJO1958 7/13/2008 8:23AM

    emoticon to you and I hope your yearly funk passes quickly for you. I do feel and understand your pain.

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~~LILA 7/13/2008 7:51AM

    How sad for you, a very touching and deeply soul searching blog. I have an older sister and couldn't imagine life without her, my heart breaks for you.

As for your questions, I suppose maybe if you work on one question at a time, you may find your answer. I'm no psychologist, but you could be onto something, maybe you feel you have a void in your life and you are searching to fill it. Have you tried writing letters to her? Just a thought, I do hope you begin to feel better though and find that "something" you need to fill the void.

Good luck in all you do, the choices you make and the habits you start,
Lila

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Stop!!!...but I don't want to!!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Ack!

So I did my circuit training tonight. It killed me by the first set of jumping jacks...WOW.

I was sweating like a pig within 15 mins., totally out of breath!'

Crunches hurt my back. I feel as if I'm working my back more than anything else while doing them. Anyone else have this feeling?

I have no timer or clock with the second hand so I'm guessing on everything. I aim for 60 jumping jacks in my 1.5 mins. I aim for 30 crunches, 40 push ups and 20 supermans. In short, I do them until I can't move any more.

The jumping jacks make my legs shake worst then the squats!

I can't do a full push up for the life of me so I do them at counter level. I hope to move to the medicine ball level then to the modified push ups and so forth. How is everyone else doing the push ups? How many are you doing? Honest, I couldn't even hold myself up in the regular postion and on the modified ones (on your knees) I did 3 and couldn't get back up again! Totally sad I know.

I felt odd doing the shadow boxing but I just pictured Rocky in the ring and I got use to it really quick.

My main complaint tonight was the fact that I'm gassy as all heck!!

So I do a bunch of marching/jumping jacks/shadow boxing, explode out the a** the whole way through it and then I have to get on the ground in the mist of it all and do something on the floor.

OMG my stomach was turning!

I can say though that after doing some strength training and yoga, I sat there and said "I want to do this again!"

But it's late at night, I'll never get to sleep and I really need sleep. This time around my body is saying yes but my mind is saying no...my heart is a little torn.

I'm going to see if I can equal it out by doing some reverse crunches in bed.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHELLREED 7/12/2008 12:04PM

    ok.. miss thing I just got you message on my page that you need to know what I am up to.. so I came to check you out and see what some of the other girlies are giving you.. I read this blog and as usual I am rolling on the floor laughing.. I love it!!!!
I have been so gassey sense I started all this I just figure it is my body getting clean.. hahah.. good thing I work out early in the morning and all by myself.. haahaha...

As for how I am doing I am keeping up with all of you and I am shocked about that to say the least... I am the gimp with the broken foot so it takes me longer but I am getting it done as for the jumping jacks I do twice as many as we are supposed to but I'm only able to do one side at time.. hahah.. I am sure that I look like a total dork but I fit into my size 16 pants so I don't care.. hahahah.. I have been able to do all the other sections of the work out it just takes me a little longer and I figure I am doing it all with weights on my leg so it is still a good work out and man do I sweat.. and I hate to sweat!!!! YUK!!!

I will try to keep you more up to date COACH it is just with the long work out I don't have much time on line.. but your my coach and you want more I will give it to ya!!!

I do hope that your feeling better my friend I saw that you were giving out some very nice recognition I didn't see your name on the list and you are the one that started this whole mess and got us all up of our butts!!! THANK YOU !!!!

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~~LILA 7/12/2008 8:33AM

    LOL, that's just too funny! I read about your challenge on Vivacious' page and am intrigued. I know that I am behind by a week, but I believe I'm going to go ahead and do it anyways.

I lost my "spark" about a week and a half ago, and maybe the reason I'm bored is because I have nothing to challenge me anymore. Soooo....this just may be it. No, I don't want to join your list of challengers, I just want you to know that you have one more person, who may be a week behind, who is going to give this Rocky Challenge a try.

Because I have shin splints which make it very painful to walk any amount of distances for an extended period of time (I'm hoping that they will eventually go away, but I got them when I was younger and played a lot of sports) I've thought that maybe I could do my stationary bike 14 miles per ride rather than doing the walking. I also will be starting my challenge on Sunday and work it from Sunday to Saturday. If you'd like me to keep you informed on my progress, pop by and let me know.

I'm pumped, I truly do believe that this just may motivate me once again, and it will also be a true test to just how much I "choose" to limit myself. Time to push it BEYOND the limits!
Lila

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Let me tell you something you already know.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


Let me tell you something you already know.

The Rocky Challenge is in week 2. We have gone through week 1 giving it our all so that we could reach our goals. Some of us made it, some of us didn't but the most important thing is that everyone came up and gave their stats, and even more importantly, they let it be known that even though they didn't meet the goal, they would still stay in the game...even if their name wasn't on the list.

Let me tell you something you already know.

Determination is what it's about. Willingness to stay in the game even though you didn't win is what it's about. I don't want you to focus on winning the game, I want you to focus on FINISHING WHAT YOU STARTED!

I want you to focus on your body, your mind, your spirit and the strength of your heart. If deep down inside you want to finish this challenge, then finish it! Don't let numbers or time restraints or anything keep you from reaching your goals and finishing what you started!

The only one to beat here is yourself. The only thing to win is confidence in your self and self determination, pride in who you are, what you can do, how far you have come and how far you will go.

Let me tell you something you already know.

This is life! There are going to be people ahead of you in the game and people behind you in the game. All you have to do is stay in the game! So if you came here thinking you were going to win a prize, then you came to the wrong game because it's not about what you can put on paper or in your pocket, it's about what you can carry inside of you.

What do you carry inside of you? Are you proud of the effort that you gave last week? I'll be honest, I feel like crap after what I gave last week! I knew I was slacking, putting things off to the last moment. I knew I could do better, that I could have done 200 a day if I really, really wanted it. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I needed to do to get it and I didn't get it because I gave one excuse after another.

I can't run that far, I can't do that many, I can't hit that hard.

Let me tell you something you already know.

There are no more excuses because I'm not here to do what anyone else can do or do it as well as everyone else. I'm here to do what I can do and right now I know I can push myself, I can kick it up a notch, I can take it one step further, I can go the distance!

I can't be taken off of the challenge because I don't want off and I refuse to leave. I won't let you, myself or anyone else take me off no matter how hard it gets, no matter how hard it hurts or how far behind I am because it's about me, not you or anyone else. I know what I am worth.

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"-
Rocky Balboa

Let me tell you something you already know.

THERE IS WINNING TO BE DONE! MY WINNING, MY PRIDE, MY SELF WORTH! THIS IS ABOUT HOW BADLY I WANT IT AND HOW FAR I'M WILLING TO GO TO GET IT! IT'S ABOUT ME AND HOW FAR I'VE COME AND HOW FAR I'M GOING TO GO! THERE IS WINNING TO BE DONE AND THE PRIZE IS ONE I WILL ALWAYS CARRY WITHIN ME!

-Kat

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JIBBIE49 7/11/2008 7:46PM

    WOW, I'm so happy to see you are determined. Since 95% of new people quit SP, I'm THRILLED to know there is someone like you saying "I'll never give up."

I see where Syl just had his birthday the other day. He looks good for being in his 60's, but I know he takes HGH and i am not sure that is good to do. emoticon

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STACEY-P 7/10/2008 9:26PM

    BRAVO!!!! I can't express enough to you how awesome you are. This challenge has been one of the best things I have done. Thank you for creating it!! Keep your eye on the prize!! Eye of the Tiger!! Eye of the Tiger!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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