Thursday, June 19, 2008
I had an great day yesterday and the day before. The support and motivation has been wonderful. Thank you, all of you!
I had planned on blogging about how I totally went crazy today up at the gym but instead I'm going to go with something else.
Today I left Mary and Jenn a message on their sparks page:
"you don't know how badly i'm not wanting to go to the Y.
well I want to
but the baby is sleeping
my nose is running
and I think that there is a part of me that thinks I'm going to fail
Wish that one of you were here to kick my a** from this seat to that elliptical.
But I had to do it. I had to face that fear. I had to start at the beginning and work my way back up even if there was a chance that I was going to fall right on my face.
This past week has reminded me of this.
I remember my track and field days, cross country days and the the "hell week" that we had at the start of training. The training that made you hurt and cry. The training that left you gasping for breath. The training that took the 200 people who tried out on day one and dwindled them down to about 30 by day 5. I remember working ahead of time just for that week.
It hurt, I cried, I gave up more than once and came back and back and back only to hurt some more and cry some more and drag my feet until I screamed out that I couldn't do anymore, couldn't give anymore.
And I came back and I made the team. I placed varsity during my freshman year, I stayed in the top 4 for cross country, and I hurt and I cried, and I did it over and over again every year and at the end of the season I trained for the next season because there was something about dragging your feet and screaming that you couldn't do anymore, you couldn't give anymore and finding out that you could and you would and you did.
Through the years I've watched dreams of running in the Olympics go down the drain as one medical issue came up after another. By 25 I was in and out of a wheel chair. By 26 I thought I would be in a wheel chair for the rest of my life by the time I reached 30. By 27 I was facing surgery on my pelvic, and was informed that my hips and knees would most likely be forever damaged beyond repair. By 28 I had given up, I was done of the meds, done with the doctors, done with the bad news done with it all.
While I had given up in one area, I had not given up in another. I didn't give up on me, on my family, on the future. I felt the pain lessen, watched my life improve and most importantly, I found myself.
That love, that need to be on the ground screaming and crying in pain only to prove to myself that even when the world thinks I can't get back up, even when I think I can't get back up, there's something inside of me that gets me back up and proves me wrong over and over again.
It renews me, makes me realize that in the mist of all my weaknesses, failures and pain, I'm stronger than I think and I know it, I succeed because deep down inside I want to, and it hurts and I'm okay with that because I know life hurts you sometimes but it's the memory of that pain that makes the good taste that much more better.
I gave every excuse in the book today as to why I shouldn't work out. I had to ask myself "Why?".
But there is no "Why?" it's what happens. You go through that week of hell, failing, showing your weakness and pain and you don't want to do it again. But there comes a time when you realize that these things aren't bad things, they are things to be proud of. I had to realize that when I walk into that gym. There isn't another woman my height, my weight with my conditions putting herself out there, failing, weak, crying in pain. It's me, I'm out there doing it, going from wheel chair bound to doing things that women half my size don't have the nerve to get up and do themselves because they can't stand to fail, to be weak or to be in pain.
But I can because I know, just like I knew back then, that when I'm done admitting to what I can and can not do, when I'm done watching myself fail and done crying out "I can't do it, I have no more to give", when I've dropped out only to come back again, I know that in the end I'll be 1 of 30 out of 200 on the team. I will know that I went from wheel chair bound, forever on medications and having surgeries to this:
Almost 2 months after trying to reach 4 miles on the elliptical, yesterday I increased my resistance and made it to 3.95 miles. Today I kept that same resistance and increased my speed and made it to 4.10 miles.
After 3 years of not being able to walk faster than 2.5 miles an hour on the treadmill for more than 5 mins, yesterday I increased my speed to 4.8 and ran for 2.45 mins. Today I started my speed at 4.8 and ran for 45 seconds only to increase it to 5.0 and run for 2 mins before bringing it back down to 4.8 miles an hour and running for another 40 seconds making my total run time 3 mins and 25 seconds.
I started at 5 mins on the bike at zero resistance. Yesterday I increased it to 5 and finally made my goal distance. Today I increased the resistance to 6 and beat the distance again.
I realized that I have weaknesses, I will fail, I will cry and scream "I can't do it, I don't have anymore to give" I will give up and I will come back and in the end I will admit to it all because for me nothing feels better than knowing that in the mist of it all I can do it, I did do it, I am still standing, I am 1 of 30 out of 200.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
So, today was day two of sitting at a buffet. I can say I had about 1-2 oz of a pastry that was filled with spinach. I can't track it or my other goals since sparks is doing some work to the site. I hope that doesn't effect my streaks!
The rest of the food was fruit and I even went to chuck e cheese and had two slices of pizza (smaller then the length of my hand by about an inch or two and about half the width) but I ate 2 salads before the pizza and 2 after the pizza (not big salads and I was there for about 3 hours or more and counted it as dinner and lunch).
I did great on food though! In range for everything! 1340 cals, 143 carbs, 60 fat and 66 on protein!
Vatricia walked away with tons of awards. You got the presidential award in acedminics and one for her class along with the Gold in state testing, Class citizenship and one for track and field. Everyone was shock that she didn't get the library award! I'm totally proud of her!
I worked out today and kicked butt! I sang through the whole thing too! I had my head phones on and went from song to song. I know people in the locker room were coming in to see what was up but I didn't care. 2 women came to workout in the space and I warned them that I would stop singing for the time being but in 4 mins I would be singing again and I hoped they liked Survivor. I called out '8 min session!" and started my music. Next came "Hey, my name is Rocky Balboa' which was followed by "I can feel the eye of the tiger in me. Can you feel it ladies!" From then on it was me on the elliptical singing 2 rounds of:
"Risin' up, straight to the top
Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive
It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger"
Yes I bet there was a bloody mess in the locker room as women laid curled in the fetal position, bleeding from their ears but guess what!
I DIDN'T CARE AND I DON'T CARE!
Instead I continued on doing what I had to do because I'm the one 200+ pounds not them! So, I raised my resistance on the bike from 3 to 5 AND I out did my distance!
AND I raised the resistance on the elliptical during my level 5 session to a 6 AND I out did my distance!
AND I raised the speed on my the tread mill from 4.6 to 4.7 and then 4.8 and even though I've been only running for about 1-2 mins with my knee messing up, today I ran for 2.45 mins!
OH NO, I MIGHT BE DONE WITH ALL OF THIS WEIGHT BUT I'M NOT DONE WITH WORKING OUT, DON'T STOP READING NOW!
Lets add on the 150 squats I did today!
And add the 100 diamond wall push ups!
AND add the 100 regular wall push ups!
DID I KICK IT UP A NOTCH?
I SAID, "DID I KICK IT UP A NOTCH?!"
HELL YEAH I DID!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Today the school had a dessert bar for all the PSO members. I'm proud to say that even though I got a plate full of cookies, cakes, pies and the such for a friend, I did not get a plate for myself. Instead I ate about 2 cups worth of strawberries and boy were they the best tasting strawberries I've ever, ever had!
All my food was pretty good today except for the fact that I had a chicken thigh. I thought that limiting my lunch to 2 pieces of chicken would be good but I didn't know that chicken thighs are way worst for you then the drumsticks. I was taking in more cals, more fat and more carbs with the thigh yet it was less protein. I stayed in range though and even got my workout in. It wasn't the normal workout but I did do 15 mins on the treadmill, making up for the day I missed plus some and I also did 42 mins on the bike which also made up for my missed workout. The elliptical was there but not there. What was there was the bike and treadmill. I ran for a total of 4 mins and the thing is that during my second run (I did two of them because I popped my hip and had to put it back into place during the start of my first run.) I actually was aiming for 1 min and at 1 min I said, 15 more seconds. This continued on and the whole time I kept the thought, "You are going to hate yourself for not pushing it further when you knew you could.'
Well guess what?
I don't hate myself.
Today was a good day!
Monday, June 16, 2008
I keep on brushing this subject off.
Okay so last week I was at the pool and getting into my swim suit. I see myself in the mirror all the time but for some reason it just hit me that day...
I hate my thighs, butt, hips....
I think this bothers me so much because in high school and most of my life I always thought that my best features were those areas. I loved them and now ...well now I don't and if these were my best features, what are my best features now?
These are also the areas that I have the most issues with...knees, hips, pelvic...all pain areas...all huge areas!
It's not that it's just a huge area, it's bumpy and oddly shaped. I saw a woman get into the pool today and she had to be at least 100 pounds heavier than I am and I felt that her thighs were better looking then mine. I don't have the cellulite, I have huge ripples! It all stops right above my knees and then my calvesI look normal.
Then as I'm going into the locker room to change, I see this woman with perfect legs, hips and all! I knew she was about my weight and I was in such awe that I stopped her right in the locker room and told her 'OMG I would kill to have your hips and thighs!" Then I got bold and asked her what she did and how she got them. I found out she started her weight at 221lbs and was now 196 so 30 pounds gone. Well, I was 196 this past Nov. and never had thighs like that.
But then I got home and started thinking...she was 221...she is 196....she does 100 lunges, forward and backwards. She does 100 squats...she bikes for 45 mins...she runs 3 miles...she swims everyday...
She works out...
Which brought me to another issue I've been having this week as some of you might notice...I need to take it up a notch (remember that blog?).
I'm not sweating...well not like I see from others. I don't feel it...I'm not giving it 110%....I'm not even sure if I'm giving it 100%
I mean yeah, I reached 3 mins, I reached 3 mins and 30 seconds on running...
And what did I blog?
"I could have gone for longer, I know I could have but..."
I'm not going to look at myself and give up, let it be an excuse to eat my self stupid or skip my work out. This time I'm going to accept that my hips, butt and thighs are huge and I hate it. I hate it, I don't want it and I'm changing it.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Okay, I've been spending day after day with a sick baby up at the school, trying to get all the end of the year stuff done.It's really been just me and 2 others up at the school. The other two show up whenever.
Well one woman is really pushing my buttons. This year I've gotten the whole "And Kat thinks her life is bad cus she's got 3 kids and her dh is at war and gone for almost 2 years. Well I have 3 kids too and my dh might as well be gone so I don't want to hear it" Yeah... Her dh is home in fact, he watched her youngest today while she went to the zoo field trip with her son...I couldn't go with my girls because my dh is at war and there was no one to watch my youngest so not only have I missed both of their field trips but also my daughters Promotion celebration. Granted I didn't say a word and instead went off to buy the stuff for the party that she didn't get and load it all and carry it all there (cases of water and all) while having my sick baby with me running a fever because if I didn't do it, no one else would and I wanted to be somewhat part of my daughters Promotion. Granted, she came back from the field trip and went straight home and didn't help me at all so that I could be there for the last 30 mins. Great huh what a friend.
She did tell me that I couldn't go to the Y tomorrow because I need to be there to set up for the talent show...I told her not a chance in hell was I missing the Y. So, she tried to convince Paula not to go with me...ha...why so we could do the work from 9 till 6 and have her show up at 3???
But the kicker today... In short she accused me and my girls of stealing balloons...yes, balloons.
We gave balloons in the treat bags and had a bunch left over. This was on tuesday and that day we all decided to take home some of the extras for our kids. I grabbed 5 of them, 3 for my kids and 2 for Peggy's grand kids since I was taking her home. Vatricia's balloon popped so today I gave her another one. No biggie right?
So we head out the door and I have to run back and tell one of the teachers something and come back around the corner to hear this woman talking nasty to my kids. I stop her and ask her to repeat in which she goes into half the bag being missing, she knows my kids took them and she knows that they dropped one while trying to sneak it out. I tell her that my kids were with me the whole time and have been sitting on the bench and if she didn't see them take it then she has no right to accuse them. She went on to say that she saw me throw a hand full, at least 8 of them into the back of my car. I instantly correct her and tell her that they were the ones that she said we could have and it was my 3 and Peggy's 2. She then goes into "well that's what Paula says" and runs out the door.
Paul admits that she did tell her that I put some in my car but that she said nothing else other than "Kat just tossed the balloons in the car, oh well"
I then get a call from the other woman who states that it's not a big deal and she's not mad but she told all the kids...funny cus the other parents say "no she didn't, just yours". If it was a matter of "No more balloons" then why add in "I know your kids were taking them and you were tossing them in the back of your car"?
This totally ruined my day...I was dressed to go to the gym, was tracking my food in my spare time while doing things at the school and was out the door to the gym when this all happened. I ended up pissed, totally distracted. By the time I calmed down the baby was awake...no way I could take him to the nursery and with him up, I couldn't work out with him sleeping in the stroller...so upset.
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