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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

My heart is heavy. On Sunday, I sat at my stepdad's side clutching his hand as he breathed his last breaths and watched him slip away. He is at peace and we are in turmoil. This pain will ease and the memories will become pleasant, but right now we are hurting and so very sad.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PENNYSAVER2 8/26/2014 10:48PM

    Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

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KNH771 8/26/2014 5:54PM

    emoticon and emoticon

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GREENEYES_42 8/26/2014 3:13PM

    I'm sorry for your loss. Time will help..believe me...and so will the memories.

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JEN3582 8/26/2014 12:09PM

    emoticon emoticon

So sorry for your loss.

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BRAINBENTT 8/26/2014 11:51AM


very sorry for your loss

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Feeling Sad

Friday, August 22, 2014

Fair warning - This blog is regarding the poor health of a family member and contains medical details that may not be suitable for all readers...feel free to skip to the last paragraph if this is you.

My step-dad is back in the hospital. I believe this is the 11th visit this year...third in the last 6 weeks...but I've lost count. First, some history. He's a smoker, an alcoholic and addict (pills). He had acute pancreatitis about four years ago and was diagnosed Type-2 Diabetic at that time - a diagnosis that was probably long overdue. He suffered an ischemic stroke coupled with a heart attack in October 2011, followed by a hemorrhagic stroke just 3 weeks later - on my sister's wedding night - the bleed was the size of a baseball. He recovered as much as he could and did pretty well for a little while...he has some executive functioning impairment, short term memory impairment, and total numbness on the left side of his body, but otherwise was okay. Then depression began to sink in and he started drinking again. Since then he's been on a roller coaster of bad health. Between being unable to properly and consistently manage his blood sugar, continuing to drink and smoke cigarettes, skipping meals (causing his blood sugar to crash) or eating foods that cause his blood sugar to spike, taking too much medication or skipping medications, he's spent more time in the hospital than out in the past 3 years.

This time my sister found him at his apartment unresponsive, hardly breathing, and vomiting blood. It appears that his liver is failing and maybe his kidneys, too. He took 6 bags of fluid intravenously before they got any urine output...it was almost 6 hours later and they were going to start him on dialysis if it continued (it didn't). His urine is very dark brown but the nurses say there's no blood in the urine (probably liver failure), he's intubated and on a ventilator and his blood oxygen was at 93% when I left last night (slightly low - should be 95% or higher), he has more tubes coming out of him than I thought possible. His hands are swollen from the amount of fluids they are pushing through him. If it weren't for him involuntarily moving his lips to drool out the blood collecting in his mouth, he would look dead. At one point my mom and sisters were told that his symptoms appear consistent with a person who ingested antifreeze, but I think that has been ruled out and my sister and brother-in-law said they didn't find anything at his apartment. The cardiologist said he may have had a small heart attack but it could be a false positive because of the kidney trouble; he will do an ultrasound today. We think he may have accidentally (or intentionally) overdosed - my sister said his pupils were just pinpricks when she found him - usually from opiates in our experience. We're not sure exactly what combination of things put him there this time. The worst part is that he was discharged on Tuesday from the Comprehensive Treatment Unit (addiction treatment) in the same hospital - because my sister had found him passed out in his car just a few days earlier.

Even if he does pull through and miraculously recover from whatever this is, there is every reason to believe he will continue on this destructive path until he dies. It's excruciating.

This is really sad and I'm hurting. I'm sad for my two sisters who have to watch their dad deteriorate, for my mom who continues to be there for him even though they divorced years ago, for my kids because he's the only Grandpa they ever knew, for my husband and my brothers-in-law who have to see their wives hurting and are feeling quite helpless, for his lifelong friends who are losing their "brother", for him that he can't see how much we all want him to live and be well. I'm angry at him, even though I understand addiction - I know it isn't a rational disease and he is behaving like an addict - I don't blame him, but I am angry (a subtle but distinct difference). I'm angry that his choices are making me lose another dad...my biological dad died 31 years ago - I was little, but I remember. I watched my dad get sicker and sicker until he died and I don't want to do that again, but that's exactly what's happening. And I'm so sad. Just...sad...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KNH771 8/23/2014 11:02AM

    emoticon My prayers are with you...

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ANDIE130 8/22/2014 3:15PM

    I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It is really hard to see someone do this to themselves. I had a great-uncle who didn't take care of himself either. He was an alcoholic, tobacco pipe smoker, had several bypasses- even a quadruple one, heart attacks and other things. It got to the point, that he got gang green in his foot and the leg amputated below the knee on the leg. He just didn't care. Really all you can do is pray for them. I am going to be praying for you and your family. Hope things get better for you all. emoticon

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Back To It

Monday, August 18, 2014

It was a busy weekend filled with lots of unhealthy foods and not enough exercise. After 3 weeks of losing, I'm pretty sure I'll be up at least a little this week, but I'm really okay with it.

Life happens. Two days doesn't negate the two solid months I've done well. And it's in the past. Today I am making better choices. But, more importantly, I am NOT punishing myself for the choices I made yesterday. It doesn't do any good anyway, I can't go back and undo it. Being super strict in order to "make up" for those less than stellar choices only leads to me feeling bad about myself or miserable because I'm hungry or overeating because I screwed up.

So, I've let it go. It happened, it's done. Right now I can make a better choice and keep moving forward. Be kind to yourself - it's magic. :)


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LORI2562 8/18/2014 10:34AM

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CINDYLOU4782 8/18/2014 9:32AM

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PENNYSAVER2 8/18/2014 9:28AM

    Great attitude!! emoticon

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Feeling a Little Better Today

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Yesterday I was really down and depressed. It was bad...worst I've felt in a long time. Some of it had to do with consuming too much sugar on Easter, but that doesn't account for all of the feeling. I do feel a little better today and I'll take it. Now I have to do some major damage control at work for all the deadlines I've missed in the last month or two. I know it's my own fault and my actions (or inactions) have consequences, but it's scary. My husband lost his job 2.5 years ago and we are surviving on only my income. I make enough money that if I lose this job, it will be hard to find a similar salary elsewhere. I honestly don't know what I would do if I do get fired. :(

A few days ago, my 6 year old daughter was sad that her friend wasn't playing with her. She asked if she could have a piece of candy and I told her no. She said to me, "but mommy, it helps me feel better". She's just 6 and she already feels the emotional relief of eating! I'm so sad that I've passed this terrible habit on to her. I was so taken aback that I just said "I know, but it's not healthy for you"...could have handled it better, but I didn't know what to say. I need to start being healthy for her and my son, if not for me.

I want to start meal planning so that I know what to make for dinner and we're not just having cereal, hot dogs, or mac & cheese all the time. I'm just not that organized. Often times I don't feel like cooking after working full time. I know I need to just do it. I can ask my husband to help me with it, and he would if I tell him exactly what to do and make sure it's not too challenging. All the resources online have meals my family would not eat, so it's discouraging. I can make a list of things we do eat and start there, but it's hard for me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CELLA_P 4/29/2014 10:31PM

    You sound like such a loving, devoted, and strong person, and I wish you and your family the very best as you all face the stresses and challenges life has unfortunately thrown at you. I suspect you'll continue to find the answers you seek to all these problems you've mentioned, and I wish you much strength as you do! All the best.

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KNH771 4/22/2014 5:49PM

    Glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better today. For meal prep, I've gotten into batch cooking and freezer meals. I make dinner for the entire week over the weekend and have it pre-portioned, so all I have to do is heat it when I get home for work. That has been really helpful for me in making healthy dinners when I'm tired. Otherwise I don't even do mac & cheese. I end up snacking until I'm full - crackers, chips, whatever is close. Having something I can throw in the oven easily or microwave has really helped.

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BABY_GIRL69 4/22/2014 3:11PM

    I'm sorry so much is going on for you to be upset about. I know I've at my job awhile and to go somewhere else and start over the pay would not be the same. I feel down about not being the size I was 2 summer ago but I'm tired of being sick and tired. I started with 10minutes yesterday & that turned into to 30 and last night I did 45minutes more. My problem is when I start I just can't stop.

Also, I've learned to pick up pre-made meals in bags, batch cook on the weekends. Do some tacos with chicken & steak. My grandson LOVES cheese tacos and they are so easy. Even once you've worked all day. Get your husband to help. Then start small at work, I'm backed up too but I started with clearing of my desk from backlog now I'm almost caught up.

On your daughter, try to have like Welch's fruit snacks around the kids love them and they won't make you feel guilty giving them to her. Try apples and oranges my son eats the whole bag practically & I don't say a word. Wished I could help you more. Keep your head & be encouraged! Everybody is going through I promise you it's true. .

God bless,


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Feeling down & needed to vent

Monday, April 21, 2014

Today is the worst I've felt in a long time. Not sure if it's all the sugar I consumed yesterday, or if it's just depression rearing its ugly head again. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry. I am really struggling emotionally lately. I've been eating like crap and haven't exercised at all, so it's really no surprise that I've gained back nearly all of what I lost with my DietBet in November. I feel so overwhelmed by everything in my life and I can't seem to get motivated to do anything that I need to do. My house is a wreck all the time - there's stuff everywhere - and I hate it, but there's so much of it I don't know how to start. I can't even get motivated to do much of anything at work...just the bare minimum. And I'm forgetting things all the time, which makes me look bad. If I'm brutally honest, I'm actually nervous that I will lose my job if I can't get it together but even that doesn't motivate me to get going.

Most of my extended family celebrated Easter together at my aunt's house, which was nice. It's good to see everyone and catch up / visit with them. Seeing my cousins all losing weight and getting healthy is bittersweet for me. I am genuinely happy for them, but it makes me even more self conscious and unhappy with myself.

Things will get better, right?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BATCHICK 4/22/2014 11:23AM

    I'm sorry you're feeling down. Treat yourself with compassion, don't beat yourself up over where you think you should be. Maybe since your cousins are seeing some success you could reach out to them for support? Either way, these feelings will pass. Just focus on small achievable goals you can accomplish today and the rest will catch up.

(PS - a fun workout like a leisurely stroll or bike ride usually gets me out of a funk)

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PENNYSAVER2 4/21/2014 11:42PM

    Hang in there. emoticon because you are WORTH the effort.


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KNH771 4/21/2014 4:29PM

    Sorry to hear that you're struggling. Remember that this journey has peaks and valleys and is never a straight line for anyone. Don't try to take on all of the things that have you down at once. Pick one small thing and just work on it. When you feel you've got that controlled, add another. Baby steps and kindness... Hang in there!

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JEN3582 4/21/2014 3:19PM

    I'm sorry you're feeling like this Katie. I have had the same feelings lately and you know what? It does get better. It may take some time but it does get better. You can do it...we can do it! I hope you know you are not alone in this!! emoticon emoticon

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