Well my Aquarium Run 10K was 4.5.14. I didn't feel good and wondered when I got up if I should run at all. But I did. After 3 miles I had to walk some. I finished my time wasn't what I hoped but I did my first PUBLIC 10K. Then I woke up Sunday with fever and a HORRIBLE cough. I was disappointed and felt like by body betrayed me...which is ridiculous. I ran 6.2 miles and was getting sick what could I possibly be expecting?? I knew I could run a continuous 10K cause I can do it when I am alone.....I talked to a running friend of mine and was told "you will get there" but I find myself impatient. I figured out just last night while doing my speed work that I have not been enjoying the process....I am demanding the results from my body but not enjoying now and getting to my goal.
So last night I was doing 5:5 speed work and I tried to just concentrate on those 5 minutes of hard running. Feeling me consciously breathing, noticing my foot turn over, keeping my shoulders down...and then I hear in my earbuds I've run a mile. I was puzzled because it seemed to fast to be hearing that and did it again on the next 5:5 and the next really trying to be right there not looking to the end and being able to say "I ran X miles today." Before I knew it I had run 5 miles and although tired and COLD (where did spring go??) I really enjoyed it.
I think I learned a valuable lesson last night. I know not to compare myself with anyone else but I learned last night that it is about ME and MY progress not how I measure up against any other person or runner. I ran 5 miles and loved it.
Okay, so I have been trying to ease off the running to save myself for Saturday. Some of that is on purpose and some of that is our ridiculous weather. I mean Tulsa's average high for February is about 50. I am grateful that starting Thursday it will be back in the 60s again....finally.
But a friend asked me yesterday about the run and when it was and how I felt about it. I told her that I am wondering now what I was thinking signing up for it. I mean I did this for my son. I signed up to run in his honor so why in the world am I obsession about MY endurance and MY performance and MY insecurities. I see so many blogs here about successes and encouragement and am I really going to post that I am obsessing?
I wish I could just be one of those bouncy, upbeat people and I have often been called a pessimist. I wish I could have answered her and said that I felt great about Saturday and I was going to do great and set a PR but that is just not me. I prefer realist but that is a different blog.....until I heard something that really helped. It wasn't one of those vapid, insipid, platitudes so many of us see on social media and often hanging in our work offices....it was a redefinition of optimist.
Optimist isn't seeing the glass half full or always looking for the silver lining or facing the world with a smile, Being an optimist is when I know the glass IS half empty and it IS raining and I am so discouraged that a smile might crack my face that I get up and try again. Being an optimist for me is not viewing the current world or situation with bounce it is looking off in the distance and hoping for the future in spite of what I have currently.
I haven't totally viewed the Sweetheart Run like this yet but I am trying to view this as opportunity despite the disappointing runs I have had currently. I am going to acknowledge what is currently not the way I want it and that I am apprehensive and disappointed and push forward to this weekend. It wasn't so long ago that the same disappointment would have made me not show up and push forward.
So I will show up Saturday at 7:45 am ready to run 'cause I am an optimist. Sort of. (grin)
Since I have confessed that I am embarrassed to run in public I decided that this year I was going to get over it (and myself). I am to run the Sweetheat Run 2.15.14. I have decided to run something this summer not sure what yet but I want to run the Corn Dog Classic, the TD1, Tulsa Run and Route 66 HM. I will get over this.
We all have something to get over. I'm a runner that is what I do. There are so many people who struggle and perhaps me being self conscious in a pair of running tights or slider shorts is not any less a struggle than other people but I still need to get over it. I guess my son, Riley is always my reality check. He is T1D and 75 years ago there was no engineered insulin he would have died. I don't have to struggle with his calloused hands from sticking myself at least 4 times a day, everyday for the rest of my life. I don't have to worry about doing math in my head in counting carbs with my blood sugar high and making it hard to think and the list goes on and on for a 16 year old.
This first run of the year is for Riley. Cause I am proud the way steps up and he doesn't flinch at needles, has blood gases drawn in the hospital without even waking up, Proud sometimes when he has struggled through school when he feels really bad but still comes and lays next to me and wants to be hugged when he realizes he has be dealt a very big issue for a very young man.
I run alone in the Sweetheart Run but my sweetheart this year is Riley at home waiting for me.
I know that when I run a race no one cares about those running around them....except for that mental game where you try to get ahead of the one in front of you. But I am SO embarrassed to run publicly. I changed my profile pic of the CornDog Classic 5K (ironic having Corndog and 5K in the same breath) which I ran. Not my fastest time but I did run it publicly. Posing with me is my 16 year old Type 1 Diabetic son.
He is a lot of the reason that I ran this race and next year want to do the T1D 5K just for him cause i can only image what a struggle that disease it for him.
But this made me wonder even more.....why am i so embarrassed to run in front of others when I know that no one cares what you look like, what is giggling, what you weigh.....and I think i figured it out, sadly enough.
In high school I had an eating disorder. I say that but you never really get over one. Its recovery. Sometimes I still struggle through days, weeks, months...especially in times of high stress. I have always thought of a very difficult recovery since unlike alcohol or drugs you must continue to eat...the very object of the obsession and addiction....or die. Running too I worry sometimes. Did I damage my heart during those years of self abuse? Are my bones strong enough to endure the pounding? But I keep moving forward.
So my goal is to run the Route 66 Half next November (not trained enough to do it this year yet only doing a little over 6 miles at this point) for my son who understands struggling everyday with a disease and for me cause I still try everyday to progress away from that girl that couldn't stand without hurting herself. Now, I don't just stand anymore....I run.
This is a little bit of a continuation of yesterday. I was wondering why I keep attempting to dismiss the desire to run a half (along with other things) and I think I got my answer this morning....3rd day of school and my 10th grader who is a Type 1 diabetic called me while I was a little more than half way to downtown where I work. He's throwing up. Great. He has ketones and feels terrible. I immediately felt all the energy drain out of me. Anyone who has a child or parent of spouse etc with special needs probably understands this. Care giving is hard. As a mother I constantly struggle with what I need and balancing that against what they need and almost invariable I lose out. I am afraid of verbalizing or writing that I want something because I am afraid that it will be taken from me or that something will prevent me (that I have no control over) from attaining my goal. I think I have either conditioned myself to not ask for things or try not to want things for myself knowing that my children come first. I intellectually know that if I do not take care of myself it is nearly impossible to take care of them effectively, but I think I have taught myself to fear wanting or asking for myself.....perhaps that is the compassion fatigue talking. I guess now that I think I know what the problem is I need to find a solution.