Saturday, January 31, 2009
Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged.
*sigh* Well, I really wish I could do this more. There isn't much that I need or want that others have, but there is one thing; there was a baby-boom in 2008 and I wanted so much to be a part of it. I wish I could see the bigger picture when it comes to this but it's really hard. I know I am fortunate that I was able to have one child, a beautiful daughter, but that was not how I saw my life growing up. Even now, I don't want to have had only one child. I love my daughter with all my heart and she has been the best thing in my life, but I still feel like I'm missing a huge piece of me that was never filled. I tried filling it with other things: work, school, volunteering, hobbies, and friends, but none of it has made me feel better. I was proud of myself for accomplishing my weight loss goals and for going back to school and having friends, but wanting this baby has made me backslide, at least with the weighloss.
I got pregnant in January 2008. I lost it...and I long for that baby.
We haven't stopped trying, we've been going to a fertility clinic for the last 2 or 3 months and they may have pinpointed a thing or two that is preventing me from getting pregnant...but I'm still not. This cycle we were actually going to try fertility drugs (a series of two), but I have this cyst on my left ovary that made the clinic decide to not use the first round of the two (said it could make the cyst larger) and it makes me wonder if it'll work at all. I was so afraid to hope, and I did get a little hopeful, but then yesterday when I was told that the first part would be skipped my heart, and hopes, dropped...again.
They want to try this drug for two months to see if it works, then I'll probably be scheduled for a laparoscopy to confirm if I have endometriosis (and to remove it if so). I feel like nothing will work until that, and the cyst, is taken care of but I continue to go through the motions, hoping something will work. And time is slipping away so quickly...and I've waited for SO long. God, 13 years is such a long time. I began trying to get pregnant again when my daughter was 2 and she's now 15. I did take a 2 or 3 year break when I got divorced and remarried but my heart has been broken for so long over this.
But...I have to try to look at the bigger picture and remember that I was fortunate enough to have a beautiful daughter and try to make that enough even if another baby never happens.
Sorry for the long post...thanks for caring!