Thursday, January 02, 2014
2013 was an unproductive year in my health, but very productive in life. (I did quit my secret habit of smoking- so Yay Me!) I have been divorced for over a year with my ex living 6 hours away. I have grown accustomed to working full time and single motherhood and take it all head on 24-7. I worked hard on my credit score and bought a house. I have completed insane projects at work. My kids are happy and healthy. So it has been a very successful year.
I did lose sight, however, of myself. I didn't get to the gym at lunchtime. I didn't get to the gym on weekends. I ate that extra slice of pizza. I gained back ALL of the the weight i worked so incredibly hard to lose. I am pretty disappointed in myself. I chalked it up to time. I didn't make time for me. After much thought, I need to be a little selfish for me. What good am I to my kids if I am unhealthy? What kind of example am I showing them? I lose my temper more frequently when I am not excising. I am angry at myself. It's a vicious cycle.
I see myself so differently than what I look like. In my head, I am still the 20-something chick who weighs 120 lbs, can do anything and dates the cute, athletic, active, sexy guys. I had joined Match.com a little while ago and the only men I even remotely attracted were severely overweight or much older than I am. I don't mean to sound vain or judgemental. That's not who I am. But if we are going to be honest with one another- I am not attracted to older men or men who are 450lbs. Again it is no judgement- so please don't tell me what a horrible person I am. But we are attracted to who we are attracted to- you know that is true..... So Match.com was definitely not right for me.
As I enter my 3rd year of being single, I need to see this as some kind of quest to find ME. To find the health of the '20-something me' before I turn 39 or 40. I have lost a ton of confidence and self esteem. I need to find my inner strength that somehow got beat down. Depression can be so overwhelming that it consumes you. I need to break out. It needs to start now.
I need to show my kids what healthy is. I need to be the role model that they deserve to have. I need to be happy with me. I need to be the kind of chick Norman Reedus (aka Daryl Dixon) wants to date.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
My last few blogs have been 'Blah'. Had I lost motivation or had I really just lost a part of me?
I tried to rally myself through my blogs and now it's time to face the music. Today as I sit here and contemplate the fact that I have to move my weight ticker the opposite way, I am frustrated with myself.
WTF? As a single mom now, I should be excited at the prospects of the rest of my life. I should be living life instead of watching it go by....or rather falling into an unhealthy pattern of putting absolutely everything first- besides myself. Of course my kids will always come first...but what good am I to them if I am cranky and FAT? Yup. I said it. F-A-T. (Disclaimer: Fat is relative to who you are...I am speaking only of me. With my body frame, etc. a healthy weight is between 125 and 140. I am back to 190.)
I see the scale slowly creep up with my lack of exercising. I am eating healthy still...but it is not enough for my body.
There are (small club) concerts I am looking forward to going to. Seeing bands that I used to know when I lived in Los Angeles. My self confidence is lacking. Holy crap, I was cute when I just to know these people. I want to get back on stage again. What is this emotion? Oh, Ashamed. That's it. I am ashamed I have let myself go...and in letting myself go, I lost a bit of myself. Not where I want to be.
So, I have to make a plan. That seems to help me.
The funniest thing is that I know when I am exercising and eating healthy, my mood is happier. I am more patient and relaxed. Right now I am a high strung freak of nature.
Why does our mind override what is good for us? You would think it would go on autopilot and guide you through life doing what benefits you in a positive way. I guess if that was true we all might not be here on our individual journeys.
Time to get my a$s in gear for the hundredth time and make it stick for the rest of 2012 and forever.
Anyone else going through a phase like this? Any suggestions on how to make time? It certainly seems like time eludes me!
Monday, June 11, 2012
So of my 60 or so lbs. lost, I have gained back 28.
I have continued healthier eating...but I slacked on the one thing that I know helps me mentally and physically. I haven't really been to the gym in months. I am disappointed in myself. There's no way around it.
I have been a single mom to my 2 beautiful kids for the last year now. I wouldn't change a thing. (Well Almost...) I have run errands at lunch, rather than going to the gym because it has been "easier" while they are at school. I have gone home to clean at lunch. Because it was "easier".
In my head, I said "Next week I will go to the gym 3 times." and then I never did. I have child care at the gym now. I have no excuse.
The funniest part about the whole thing is when I am going to the gym. I mentally feel great! I have more patience. I am more relaxed. I am happier....and my spirit is brighter. What the hell am I waiting for?!!? My gym bag has been IN MY CAR this whole time. D'oh. The only thing I would change about this past year is I wouldn't have neglected myself. I would have gone to the gym at every opportunity.
So here I am, putting this out into the digital world. I guess I am trying to hold myself accountable. I AM GOING TO THE GYM AT LUNCH TODAY.
After all, I am trying to get healthy....but really, I am going to have to eventually jump back into the dating world. Frankly, I want to look HOT.
I'm going to let June be my New Year.... June 11th....Let's get back to me. I'm no good for anyone else (kids, work, friends, potential relationships), if I can't be good to me.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wow. It's really been 4 months since my last blog.
I can honestly say I have been living my life in that time making excuses. Now that I am a single, working mom with no family nearby, I see first hand how precious any time is.
Here is where I let myself down in the last several months:
- I have spent hours at work and running home at lunchtime to clean....instead of going to the gym at lunch.
- I stopped weighing my portions and counting my calories.
- I have allowed "life" to dictate my free time, rather than using my free time to become healthier.
- I lost control. I can't control a lot of things in life...but 2 things I CAN control are the food I eat and the exercise I do.
I have to find my motivation again. I am back and I am committed. But I still don't have that fire in my heart that I did when I first began this journey.
I went from 220 lbs to 165lbs....and now back up to 185 lbs. Ok There. I typed it. I gained 20lbs back. Let me repeat..."I" gained 20lbs back. Although, I didn't know that I was choosing it, "I" did choose to gain the weight back. All of my actions and and my excuses got me here.
Well, now I need to turn it around again before it's too late.
On the inside I am disappointed and sad...but I refuse to make this a "Woe is me" blog.
Dammnit...I want to be an inspiration for someone...my kids, my friends (including my sparkfriends)! oooh and I want to be Hot again. I am going to have to think about dating again. (that's a whole other blog for another time)
I am feeling very old and worn down. What happened to the Rockstar I used to be?!!
Well, friends....I am going to find my motivation and I am going to shine again.
It's all about control. I need to wage a war on my self-doubt.
Here's to the new fork in my road....adding to my journey.
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