KATFOSTER11   14,364
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Guys like Norman Reedus don't date chicks like me...

Thursday, January 02, 2014

emoticon 2013 was an unproductive year in my health, but very productive in life. (I did quit my secret habit of smoking- so Yay Me!) I have been divorced for over a year with my ex living 6 hours away. I have grown accustomed to working full time and single motherhood and take it all head on 24-7. I worked hard on my credit score and bought a house. I have completed insane projects at work. My kids are happy and healthy. So it has been a very successful year.

I did lose sight, however, of myself. I didn't get to the gym at lunchtime. I didn't get to the gym on weekends. I ate that extra slice of pizza. I gained back ALL of the the weight i worked so incredibly hard to lose. I am pretty disappointed in myself. I chalked it up to time. I didn't make time for me. After much thought, I need to be a little selfish for me. What good am I to my kids if I am unhealthy? What kind of example am I showing them? I lose my temper more frequently when I am not excising. I am angry at myself. It's a vicious cycle.

I see myself so differently than what I look like. In my head, I am still the 20-something chick who weighs 120 lbs, can do anything and dates the cute, athletic, active, sexy guys. I had joined Match.com a little while ago and the only men I even remotely attracted were severely overweight or much older than I am. I don't mean to sound vain or judgemental. That's not who I am. But if we are going to be honest with one another- I am not attracted to older men or men who are 450lbs. Again it is no judgement- so please don't tell me what a horrible person I am. But we are attracted to who we are attracted to- you know that is true..... So Match.com was definitely not right for me.

As I enter my 3rd year of being single, I need to see this as some kind of quest to find ME. To find the health of the '20-something me' before I turn 39 or 40. I have lost a ton of confidence and self esteem. I need to find my inner strength that somehow got beat down. Depression can be so overwhelming that it consumes you. I need to break out. It needs to start now.

I need to show my kids what healthy is. I need to be the role model that they deserve to have. I need to be happy with me. I need to be the kind of chick Norman Reedus (aka Daryl Dixon) wants to date. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINRONNA 1/3/2014 5:42AM

    Fantastic blog! Congratulations on your amazing accomplishments of the past year! You are my hero!

You have the right attitude if you ask me. You should be selfish. You get to "want what you want" with regards to a partner. You are truly amazing and I believe in you. Not very many could do what you have done lady.

I have taken a slide backwards in life and need to pull it together as well. I am going to try to do what you are saying here and work towards taking more time for myself. Thank you for the wonderful blog.

You go!!! You can do this!

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SMALLERSHEEP 1/2/2014 11:17PM

    Girl, you know I fell in the same trap you did. I stopped taking time for me and look what happened. We are in this together though. We've GOT this! We are going to OWN 2014!!

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FATHINSN 1/2/2014 7:37PM

    Reading this blog reminds me of me from past 3 years, ever since I got heartbroken over a guy who probably I shouldn't think of anymore now. I gained total 5 kg weight, less enjoyment to life like I used to and I felt so tired almost every day.

But a talk to a friend who I haven't seen for long time made me think what the heck I'm doing to myself. So, starting from that point, I realized I need to get myself move to make better changes to myself instead of keep on self-destructive and self-pity because of unrequited love.

Let's us start together finding ourselves emoticon

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KWING517 1/2/2014 11:29AM

    Yup, depression is a challenge that can rob you of the much-needed self-confidence and self-esteem that will get you back up on that stage!

Divorce is a tough situation, and raising a couple kids (did I read that they were both boys??? that's TOUGH!!) by yourself is really hard! Have you taken the time to talk to anyone? a counselor or pastor?

I struggle every day with making time for myself - I have 4 kids, and I feel like they just don't each get enough time from me. But they do. And some day (not that far off) they will all be grown and moved out of my house (hopefully!!), and then I will be left with a neglected ME and a neglected marriage. Nope. Not going to let that happen.

I'm making choices now to be a fit and healthy ME when they are all grown up so I can live MY life to it's fullest potential.

Take some time for you, and DON'T feel bad about it!! TRUST ME, when they're 16, they won't feel bad about leaving you every night to go out with their friends (and they shouldnt, its all a part of life...)!

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CAPT_BUTTERFLY 1/2/2014 9:01AM

    Sounds like you're ready to get back on Track.

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New Year, New Goals, New Life

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Can't say that I am not disappointed in myself. To go from 220 lbs to 168....and then back to 200 lbs. over the last year or 2 is very sad.

Truth is... My life has changed drastically in the last year and a half. I have gone from being married to being a divorced single mom. Where I used to have help, I am now alone. Free Time is very hard to find. Now, I am not making excuses. I fell into a trap and forgot that I had the strength to get out of it.

How cliche to say I am making a resolution for 2013! But actually, my resolution is to find myself once again and move forward.

-I need to remember that my lunch hour is the perfect time to run to the gym.

-I need to remember that on weekends the kids and I can go to the YMCA. I can work out and they can play.

-I need to remember to log every morsel of food that I eat. (keeps me honest)

-I need to remember to make better food choices.

-I need to remember how strong I am and how I can do this.

--I need to remember how beautiful I am inside- and let that come through on the outside again.

The time for FRUMPY MOM is over! I need to be the "MILF". After all, I do hope to start dating again eventually. Prince Charming or My Johnny Depp has to be out there somewhere.

I want to enjoy every aspect of life and show my kids (through my own actions) that anything is possible and Life Is Good!

VIVA the Future MILF in me!

Happy New Year All!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NOTLIKEMCLOVIN 10/4/2013 2:10PM

    I went from 403 to 239 and then back to 290. It happens and it's great to see that you're back. Keep it up and SparkPeople will be here!

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AMBERT27 1/11/2013 1:05PM

    You can do this!!! What a dramatic change you've had and still you seem to remain positive and continue to push forward. Keep at it! emoticon

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BRATS4 1/6/2013 10:50PM

    great goals.i wish you all the best

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THINRONNA 1/6/2013 4:28AM

    This is a wonderful blog! You have had it hard in the past two years...I would say that is not an excuse! You are that person who can bounce back though. You are strong. I like that you want to do this! Both for yourself and for your kids. Never give up friend...I know you won't! emoticon

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WILDVIOLETS 1/4/2013 9:56AM

    Great post! I also regained everything I lost during hard times. Now I know its time to start again. We both did it once, we can do it again!!!!!!!!
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-POOKIE- 1/4/2013 9:32AM

    Excellent plans to begin with!

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VALYNN26 1/3/2013 7:09PM

    Great goals. emoticon

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RUNNINGSUSHI 1/3/2013 1:13PM

    What a positive way to start the new year! You have identified some great goals. emoticon

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Being Honest...Looking for Answers

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My last few blogs have been 'Blah'. Had I lost motivation or had I really just lost a part of me?

I tried to rally myself through my blogs and now it's time to face the music. Today as I sit here and contemplate the fact that I have to move my weight ticker the opposite way, I am frustrated with myself.

WTF? As a single mom now, I should be excited at the prospects of the rest of my life. I should be living life instead of watching it go by....or rather falling into an unhealthy pattern of putting absolutely everything first- besides myself. Of course my kids will always come first...but what good am I to them if I am cranky and FAT? Yup. I said it. F-A-T. (Disclaimer: Fat is relative to who you are...I am speaking only of me. With my body frame, etc. a healthy weight is between 125 and 140. I am back to 190.)

I see the scale slowly creep up with my lack of exercising. I am eating healthy still...but it is not enough for my body.

There are (small club) concerts I am looking forward to going to. Seeing bands that I used to know when I lived in Los Angeles. My self confidence is lacking. Holy crap, I was cute when I just to know these people. I want to get back on stage again. What is this emotion? Oh, Ashamed. That's it. I am ashamed I have let myself go...and in letting myself go, I lost a bit of myself. Not where I want to be.

So, I have to make a plan. That seems to help me.

The funniest thing is that I know when I am exercising and eating healthy, my mood is happier. I am more patient and relaxed. Right now I am a high strung freak of nature.

Why does our mind override what is good for us? You would think it would go on autopilot and guide you through life doing what benefits you in a positive way. I guess if that was true we all might not be here on our individual journeys.

Time to get my a$s in gear for the hundredth time and make it stick for the rest of 2012 and forever.

Anyone else going through a phase like this? Any suggestions on how to make time? It certainly seems like time eludes me!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEAUTY_WITHIN 7/17/2012 11:03PM

    little bits at a time. And yes, I've been going through that too. Helps to go back to basics. Motivations - I use the articles. They help alot :)

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VETTRANGER 7/17/2012 10:49PM

    The most important things for me were to find the calorie range that I would lose in, then track what I ate every day and stay on that range (or under it) consistently. As long as I did that I didn't even need to exercise. Now I'd have platueas sometimes, I think my longest was 11 days. But sooner rather than later the scale would move down again. Tracking helped me identify and replace the foods that were killing me weightwise. Once I stopped eating (and drinking) the wasteful stuff and replaced it with actually nutritious foods, I was on my way.

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MICHCLEARY 7/17/2012 10:31PM

    I think if you can get up and do 10 minutes in the morning, 10 minutes at lunch and 10 minutes in the evening that you will start to build on something that seems really easy. If you do that, all of the sudden you have half an hour a day. Multiply that times 6 days and you have built in 180 minutes of fitness for the week.

I teach a women's boot camp on Saturday mornings, and I was just telling my class this very thing. Every moment counts. Every 10 minutes is a step in the right direction of taking care of ourselves. Make it fun. Make it work in your life and you will see the weight drop and the strength go up.

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-POOKIE- 7/17/2012 11:19AM

    I really wish I knew why we can work in the exact opposite to what we know is good for us, because I do it too... I eat things that upset my stomach, make me have headaches (like the chinese food hang-over of the past two days).

But we can keep going and keep trying, thats all we can do.

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AWESOMEKATY 7/17/2012 9:32AM

    I get in those funks too and it's important to just let yourself see how much happier you were with exercise and eating right. Try to focus less on the scale and more on the little victories that tell you changes are happening. You can get through this but you just need to acknowledge your old habits didn't get you anywhere and why would you want to fall back into them. I know it's easier said than done but if you keep the right frame of mind the spark will come back to you!

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MIRAGE727 7/17/2012 9:02AM

    I think all the comments are spot on! Our motivation is our children. I look at my Granddaughter and she enjoys me and Grandma D better than anyone around here because we are active, positive, and fun. We also got rid of the weight that held us back! She is always a sweetheart with us as well. That alone Sparks me always! (Think "Call Me Maybe!" Yeah, I'm sick!)...anyway, you also have to look at your priorities, ya gotta commit, and you have to realize the consequences.
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JLJOYNT 7/17/2012 8:43AM

    Been there, done that! I'm in my second week back on SP after being away for over a year. I've been in your shoes and felt the same way that you feel. But this time it seems to be different for me. I seen a picture of myself from my grandaughters 4th birthday party and couldn't believe how big I was. I actually had to look twice to make sure that was me. I guess it was then that I realized if I kept moving in that direction that I wouldn't be around to see my beautiful grandaughters grow up. I got up the next morning with a new leash for life. I starting eating healthy and dropped 5 pounds in week one. Week 2 I have committed to getting in 64 ouces of water a day and at least 20 minutes of exercise daily. I'm keeping a positive attitude and notting letter others get me down. All total I have 124 pounds to lose, but I'm taking it 5 pounds at a time. I'm not letting the big picture get me down this time. I know that will hard work and determination I can do this and so can you.

Make a plan. Set realistic goals. Think positive thoughts. Everytime you have a negative thought STOP and replace it with a positive one. Don't allow yourself to make anymore excuses. Figure out your schedule and include exercise time just like it were a part time job. Before you know it you will be well on your way to meeting your goals.

I'll be routing for you!!! emoticon

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BRATT6504 7/17/2012 8:37AM

  Time is a hard thing to find. You have to put your health and wellness above everything else. Without you where are those beautiful kids of yours. I wish you luck to get where you want to be.

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What To Do When Life Gets In The Way...

Monday, June 11, 2012

So of my 60 or so lbs. lost, I have gained back 28.
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I have continued healthier eating...but I slacked on the one thing that I know helps me mentally and physically. I haven't really been to the gym in months. I am disappointed in myself. There's no way around it.

I have been a single mom to my 2 beautiful kids for the last year now. I wouldn't change a thing. (Well Almost...) I have run errands at lunch, rather than going to the gym because it has been "easier" while they are at school. I have gone home to clean at lunch. Because it was "easier".

In my head, I said "Next week I will go to the gym 3 times." and then I never did. I have child care at the gym now. I have no excuse.

The funniest part about the whole thing is when I am going to the gym. I mentally feel great! I have more patience. I am more relaxed. I am happier....and my spirit is brighter. What the hell am I waiting for?!!? My gym bag has been IN MY CAR this whole time. D'oh. The only thing I would change about this past year is I wouldn't have neglected myself. I would have gone to the gym at every opportunity.

So here I am, putting this out into the digital world. I guess I am trying to hold myself accountable. I AM GOING TO THE GYM AT LUNCH TODAY.

After all, I am trying to get healthy....but really, I am going to have to eventually jump back into the dating world. Frankly, I want to look HOT.

I'm going to let June be my New Year.... June 11th....Let's get back to me. I'm no good for anyone else (kids, work, friends, potential relationships), if I can't be good to me.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NEED2BME27 6/11/2012 5:57PM

    Don't be so hard on yourself. Life has a way of taking control and pulling us in every direction but the one we really want to go in. Is the gym taking a large amount of your time that maybe you don't feel like you can justify it? Or maybe you're bored with it. If so, try something different. Take your kids to the park and play frisbee or just walk. Or if you have a Wii or xbox, do it at night after the kids are in bed. Everyday is "the first day of the rest of your life" as the saying goes. You'll get rid of those 28 lbs. I know you can do it. Stop by my page if you want to say Hi!!! emoticon

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-POOKIE- 6/11/2012 10:00AM

    Go for it!

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HEALTHYME229 6/11/2012 8:33AM

    It is ironic someone else should write this today. I, too, have regained weight I had lost (about 35 pounds) in large part by not going to the gym. I, too, felt better when I regularly attended the gym. My situation is different and my excuses are different, but the result is the same. Last night I packed my gym bag because I, too, am determined to go the the gym at lunch today. June 11 looks like a great day to start a New Year.
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The Quest for Control

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Wow. It's really been 4 months since my last blog.

I can honestly say I have been living my life in that time making excuses. Now that I am a single, working mom with no family nearby, I see first hand how precious any time is.

Here is where I let myself down in the last several months:

- I have spent hours at work and running home at lunchtime to clean....instead of going to the gym at lunch.

- I stopped weighing my portions and counting my calories.

- I have allowed "life" to dictate my free time, rather than using my free time to become healthier.

- I lost control. I can't control a lot of things in life...but 2 things I CAN control are the food I eat and the exercise I do.

I have to find my motivation again. I am back and I am committed. But I still don't have that fire in my heart that I did when I first began this journey.

I went from 220 lbs to 165lbs....and now back up to 185 lbs. Ok There. I typed it. I gained 20lbs back. Let me repeat..."I" gained 20lbs back. Although, I didn't know that I was choosing it, "I" did choose to gain the weight back. All of my actions and and my excuses got me here.

Well, now I need to turn it around again before it's too late.

On the inside I am disappointed and sad...but I refuse to make this a "Woe is me" blog.

Dammnit...I want to be an inspiration for someone...my kids, my friends (including my sparkfriends)! oooh and I want to be Hot again. I am going to have to think about dating again. (that's a whole other blog for another time)

I am feeling very old and worn down. What happened to the Rockstar I used to be?!!

Well, friends....I am going to find my motivation and I am going to shine again.

It's all about control. I need to wage a war on my self-doubt.

Here's to the new fork in my road....adding to my journey.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINRONNA 3/29/2012 2:50AM

    emoticonYou can do this! I have noticed that you ARE doing it. I see that you are back and really have never completely gone away like some people seem to do. I know how much you want this and you absolutely deserve it. I know you can make it happen. I do know how hard it can be though...I gained about 16 pounds back for almost the exact same reasons as you and now I am working them off one by one.

You ARE an inspiration to someone. To me. The fact that life is not easy at all for you right now but yet you are fighting back is VERY inspirational. I am proud of you...you are so strong. I'll be here for you...what ever I can do...just let me know.
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BRATS4 3/24/2012 11:26AM

    you can do it again and better if you really want to

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KKKAREN 3/22/2012 8:32AM

    Pick yourself up and begin again. You can do it!

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MIRAGE727 3/21/2012 2:39PM

    All is not lost! Fight back, take control, and focus on your kids for that Spark! I did that with my wife and granddaughter. I'm no good to anyone if I'm not there.You'll come back. You started just by reflecting and listing. Mow, be the warrior. All the best and stay healthy

Comment edited on: 3/21/2012 2:40:11 PM

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