Sunday, June 09, 2013
I have noticed,that the biggest transformations in my Life have been unfolding and blooming over a period of seven years, and noticed that these began with the decision based on the realization, and more importantly, the ACCEPTANCE through many continuing acknowledgements, that I did NOT need to 'lose weight, exercise and eat right': I needed to closely examine my Foundation, not my body, not my mind, not my heart, not my spirit not my diet not my exercise; these are the offshoots of the Foundation, and how well they fluorish is a function of the solidarity of the Foundation.
So what is my Foundation? it is the springboard that has been laid and launched from through Life, and it may have had changes made, that took into consideration the quality of the foundation, or it may not have; the Foundation itself may have had basic flaws unexamined or hidden or dismissed for whatever reasons. But until I closely looked at that Foundation, MY foundation, and prodded it, poked it, OWNED it, I was not going to have any healthy flourishing growth or it would be very very uneven.
Life is a balancing act, and balancing requires attention to all parts of the whole; any time one is out of whack, it affects the inherent quality of function of all the other parts of that system; and it needs adjustment.
So HOW do you adjust a foundation? Believe me, it has been and continues to be, one of the most demanding challenges because, I have discovered, that is what LIFE is really all about....Life is a Balancing Act, and that means all things must be attended to and on FIRM and KNOWN ground; the Foundation of who I am, was, has to be KNOWN and embraced and fully owned, just as it has to be when you find out you have a limitation, a disability; until then, not only the disability, but one's denial of it, additionally, will prevent one from STARTING where you are truly AT; and if you are NOT starting where you are TRULY AT, you will NOT get where you TRULY want.
So no matter how much the interface, structure and emphasis in SparkPeople has changed over the years, the initial foundation and intent, is the one I hold close to my Heart, Soul, Mind and Body; LIFESTYLE CHANGES require an examination of our foundation, before any lasting work can be done; it doesn't matter what you focus on first, weight, diet, exercise, motivation; because focusing on one will, if one is ACTIVELY Honest, Open and Willing, lead to other realizations of what attitude changes must be made after examining that Foundation; then the hard work begins and then the next realization comes along, and seeking the correct interface for that with previous realizations starts; soon, you are Playing Ball on Running Water. And that is when the Grief and the Joy become obvious as one Entity, the dying to Live becomes understood, and the Journey continues.
Thank you, Spark People, for a solid Launch
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
It has been some time since I blogged on here; my Life Cloth was both unraveling and being presented with new threads and possible changes in the warp and the woof and it was, as it always is when trying to untangle and order a ball of yarn, hairy going.
So I call this time of volatile and exuberant uncertainty coupled with a profound sense of vulnerability "Playing Ball on Running Water", the name of a book I picked up many years ago. I not only have this sense of change but it is also a Change and I do not always know how it is going unravel and or weave up! I am not who I was nor who I will become and I think I understand for the first time that to Live, "I" have to Die. I do not feel that I am the driving force in my life anymore, but that I am in alignment with a Power far greater than I, and this is what has helped me to both become a conduit and a vehicle and it is both overwhelmingly terrifying and exhilerating, both humbling and freeing.
I am moving into the 7th year here on SparkPeople. Many things have happened, changes have been made, fundamental perspectives challenged and refined, and not without pain as well as Joy. I see the sun sparkling in the rains on the grass, I am deeply moved. I see a person alone and afraid and I am deeply empathetic. I see how all the things that have happened over the years, the good the bad the ugly, have been pulled together, owned and woven back into the fabric of who I am now and open to who I may become in whatever Time I have left here.
I see the small and hurtful behaviors people have toward themselves and each other and I feel deep compassion, not for the act, but for the need behind the expression, and the consequences that do not result in the attainment so desired. It is hard to come to ownership, and it is hard to realize all of who we are must be embraced with full awareness of our dark and our light so that the Dark does not overcome that Light.
Keep on keeping on.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
I am walking in a yard. At first, I'm not sure where it is, but as I move through it, drawn to overgrowth in the back, I realize it is my own and I havebeen unaware of that burgeoning tangle of growth for some time. I want to look and see what it hides from me back there. I have always been pulled to what grows out of sight.
I am careful pulling apart brambles and overgrowth. Suddenly I see a clearing through the last tangled branches! I see it is a badly overgrown vegetable garden, with fruits too long-born rotting on the branches, other vegetables stunted, or strangled by weeds.
I am taken aback as I realize this is MY garden I began and have forgotten I had! I work frantically pulling weeds a way, plucking the few fruits of any small promise from the plants, and thinking furiously of ways I might rectify or salvange any of this forgotten garden. But it is too late for this garden.
I wake up, and realize a deep sense of deja vu: I have had this dream before, and forgotten it on waking! But this time, I realize and accept what I must do, and more, the nature and spirit with which it must be done: care, consistency, and commitment, every hour of of every day. I have come a long way.
Monday, July 16, 2012
My challenge focus is going to be on establishing an exercise routine that happens 4 x a week, and focuses on both cardio and ST and integrates well with my workweek and the type of work I do;
I have gotten my other areas where I want them and I know what I need to do to keep healthy snacks on hand;
I need to build muscle and I have not done that this round even tho the fat to muscle ration has shifted favorably through a much more active lifestyle incorporating smaller meals through the day that are 300 or less calories a meal.
Now it needs to be a focused activity. I also want to continue doing XtendBarre, for its core and balance focus, and may substitute that for some ST some weeks, but cardio needs to be at least three times a week. Right now, I use the elliptical and the bike and the rowing machine for cardio, and gym machines and handweights for ST, mostly machines. I want to learn and use the cable machines more than the standard equipment. I also am going to see if I can set up our St set within the home, rather than in the garage which is detached and not heated or cooled so it is THERE.
My summer routine will start with a recording of pushups, sit ups and step test as benchmarks to check my progress against, and I will record progress every two weeks in terms of numbers of times I can do them, and types; it would be neat to get to be able to do a situp with out rocking for momentum and bending my knees so graduating from cruches to sit ups with chronic back pain may not be do-able but I will be finding out when I revisit Spine doc.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
This has been an unbelievable journey; six years ago, a childhood friend whom I have not seen for decades sent me an invitation to join SparkPeople, which I promptly looked at and fell in love with. It was exactly what I realized I needed having come to understand that dieting and weight loss were not good goals in themselves; that a LIFESTYLE change was needed, a much more fundamental journey, and so it has been and I am very grateful.
I came here weighing in at 203 lbs. I could not tie my shoes or see my feet; I had trouble getting dressed, squatting and getting back up; I was NOT in good shape and I was not doing what I needed to do to change it. I knew a LOT about nutrition; we always had very well balanced, nutritious meals, and then some. We seldom had dessert after dinner as we did at my own birth home, and we never had bread with dinner. We always had a basket of fruit and we had vegetables galore.
What happened?? I quit smoking before I had my first child, and I did not adapt accordingly. I eventually lost the excess weight after my first pregnancy but after the second, I did not get back down but went up slowly over time. I had substituted one crutch for another; cigarettes gave way to food when I was nervous, and frustrated, afraid, whatever and I often was. I found out about OA and I went there, even though it was barely accessible and it was difficult to find a sponsor who felt comfortable with me or with communicating on the relay service I required, being technically and legally deaf, but living in the hearing world. That brought some issues to the forefront and I persisted within smaller groups, met several wonderful people and in the overall program, learned a lot about ownership, and the importance of seeing how our past, if not reconciled, rules our present and we pass on the resentments and hurts and self justifications to those around us. Inventory......not just once, but every day. The program fundamentals are an integrated part of my daily life, even though I no longer go to OA. THANK you, OA!
But I needed some way to overcome a tendency to try to do too much too fast, a habit I grew up with, and for feeling I must take care of everything for everyone as I had while growing up. This all or nothing approach to every action was undermining me! I never had the guidance let alone the awareness of the concept of not just short term, but midterm and long term goals, and had no realistic idea of what it would 'take' to 'change' the way I was and lived.
THANK YOU SPARK people! The tools, the 'one step at a time', the realistic presentation of information OVER TIME as I grew and mastered the small steps, was what was different; the people, the articles and especially the MOTIVATION section which helped me to better understand how my thinking undermined my progress and gave me alternative tools and ways to approach things, without overwhelming me or triggering a need to "GET THERE YESTERDAY!"
So here I am; six years later; two steps forward, one step back, keeping on keeping on! Meeting more people, sharing what works for me, hearing what works for them, affirming them, being affirmed in return; growing growing........who said "If you are not growing, you are dying?" I am sure many in various words with inherent content.
I have learned that while we all may start out with an exercise, a meal plan, a motivation, these will change, because it becomes a process of becoming......of becoming more who we are, of accepting more of where we came from, and into what we can become, allowing us to grow because of that process. I have come to realize that HEALTH is a gift, not something we earned, just as GRACE is a gift, and not something we bestow; this reminds me of a time when I was with my mother: we were looking at a then popular book called
"The Book of Questions" and I loved that book; it made me think. One question was what we wanted most in Life, and my answer was 'to be gracious': I have since realized grace 'belongs' to no one and everyone; we can experience it when we are in the right mindset. The discipline for that is rigorous and continual.
I have learned that exercise is very important, not just physical, but emotional, spiritual exercise and that all these things, nutrition, exercise, motivation, go hand in hand and they are indeed the foundation of what Spark promotes and what, when we are honest, open and willing, will bring us to, not happiness, so much as to Joy.
Thank you to all of you and to my Higher Power who worked and works through each and everyone of us.
NEVER GIVE UP
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