I want to, but I can’t, and I tried, and I couldn’t, but I WANT TO!!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Subtitle: do you want a couple pounds of dark chocolate to go with that whine?

I’m stuck. I’m mad. I’m SO depressed. I’m ANGRY!!!!! I’m worn out. I’m pissed off at the world. And I’m sad.

I haven’t blogged in forever. First because I really didn’t have anything to day. Then it was because I figured what I had to say would pass quickly enough and I’d be back to business as usual. Then I got so depressed that it hadn't passed I didn't want to admit there was a problem that needed to be blogged about.I’ve also fallen off the posting wagon on my team threads. I just couldn’t do it…the Spark had burnt down to one small barely flickering banked coal, well buried in the ashes of my running.

Most all of you know I’m a member of the Sparkin’ Hood to Coast Relay team. Most of you don’t know that I’ve gone and hurt myself yet again. Most of you don’t know that the last time I ran was August 1. Most of you don’t know that I’ve been dealing with this for a month now. Many of you do know that not running for 2 weeks, and not running well for a month, can be a soul sucking experience, especially when you have not just a race, but a race where 11 other people are relying on you to do your best for the team.

I’ve been doing all that I can to heal. Other than not running, I’ve seen a physical therapist several times, self massage, ice and heat, Epsom salts, etc.

Saturday I walked about 2.5 miles, maybe a little more.

Sunday I planned on trying for 8, and doing the full 11 if my leg allowed. Walking...

After a mile and a half I felt warmed up and since Kate and I were talking about my leg…silly me…I decided to try to run. I was just going to attempt about 100 feet, but after 4 steps it felt like someone was stabbing a very huge but dull butcher knife into my leg. That took care of running, and 8 miles of walking went rapidly downhill turning itself into 3.5. Home - Ice, Epsom Salts, massage, elevation, rest...pouting, tears, self doubt, more tears.

So...what's the whine fest for? Because maybe bottling it up and holding it in and not sharing it isn't the most healthy way to deal with it.

And maybe someone will have some small glimmer of advise for pain in region of the superior extensor retinaculum, most likely cause by a strain of the tibialis posterior tendon or the flexor digitorum longus tendon...(yes, I've done my homework!) over and above rest, ice, heat, rest.

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4 years and counting...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I missed my Sparkversary last month. I have been a member of Spark People for over 4 years. LOTS of changes in my life during that time. New Job, new boyfriend, Dad's slow decline, Mother's cancer surgeries, new Friends online and in real life - many of whom overlap into both, new fitness, new trips, the list could go on. In honor of my belated aniversary with Spark, I'm posting a blog I wrote on My Space on June 6, 2007 - my Sparkiversary then.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007
One year ago today
So, is it midnite yet? Close enough, that by the time I finish this it will be past the witching hour. can't sleep...No, I'm not waiting for my lover Morphius to join me again. Those days are well past, thank the heavens...(dang that banner up there with the dogs and the guy with a hammer is annoying!) Oops! Back to the blog, and back to attempting to make sense. Hah! Me? Make sense? Snicker...

How often in your life can you say that you have an actual memory of "one year ago today"? It's kind of kewl when it's a good memory...like mine is tonight. But when its a not so happy shiney memory, you wish you could simply wipe it away and never have to deal with it again....but...that's not where I want to go with this blog...because it's a happy memory.

One year ago today I weighed 45 lbs more than I do tonight. Woo Hoo on where I am today!!! One year ago today I had a Brand New Car sitting in my garage, Heck, one year ago today I had a garage that was cleaned out enough for a brand new car to fit into it for the first time in years and years!!! One year ago today I was pouring over my atlas, planning my trip to the Summerlands of northern California...My idea of what heaven should be...tall trees as big around as a house, miles and miles of empty roads leading to the sea, turn off the car engine and hear nothing but the wind, birds, insects, and your own fast beating heart...but I wasn't there yet, not one year ago today.

One year ago today I joined Sparkpeople...Great site! Great people, I've said it all before and you are probably tired of reading it, right? Oh well...get used to it...as long as there is an over weight person who dreams of losing the weight in this world, I'll gladly promote the site, shamelessly at that! One year ago today the sun was shining, I know because right after I signed up with Spark, I went for a long walk on my lunch break...the things we remember, huh?

So...I wonder if one year away yesterday, will I be here reminiscing about yesterday? It was a GOOD day! It was a day worth remembering. I laughed with joy, I laughed at myself...that is a wonderful thing to do you know, laughing at your own self, especially when you bowl 3 gutter balls right after your only strike of the evening...and then many many more gutter balls....tee hee. Will I remember a sweet kiss received, and a sweet kiss given? One year away yesterday? Will I recall the joy and excitement I felt over a phone call received that was long ago given up on? I hope so...I hope I can pay more attention to the life around me, pay attention to those things in my life that deserve to become memories...the shreak of a grand daughter escaping from the tickle monster...and the hugs and the stories about the zoo and all the animals seen...through the eyes of a 5 year old.

Okay...I think I can sleep now...maybe Morphius is still hanging around somewhere nearby!

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A Buncha Randomness

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Ran 15 miles this morning, shaving approx 10 minutes off last year's time. The first 3 miles was a whole bunch of bobbing and weaving, with periods of 9mm interspersed with a few 21mm's and stops and starts for traffic. At least we made if over the Steel bridge before two tugboats closed the bridge down. After that I settled into a nice steady 11-12mm pace for the next 9 miles. The last 5 involved more traffic, more runners, walkers, and bikes along the waterfront, and cars blowing through stop signs in NW....so one again quite the up and down pattern to my pace on the Garmin. The best part of the run was only dropping to a walk once, coming down the hill into Willamette Park where it's a bit steep...my plan was to simply run the whole thing, even if it meant a 15mm pace.

Bought yet another pair of shoes today. The ones i ran in this morning were done 100 miles ago. I really like the Nike LunarGlide+ but they are going to take some getting used to I think, much lighter weight and less structure.


So I will stick with my Asics 1150's as well. I love this shoe, but it's heavier than the Nike. Probably why I'm not so comfortable running in the Nike!

Plus it's got Purple Accents! The only thing that would be better than that would be a fully purple shoe!!!

I went browsing through my old blogs on My Space last night. Some insights I needed to revisit. I've changed a lot in 3 years, and think it might be a good thing to try to bring myself part way back to where I was then. But...that's for another blog.

More randomness...Hydration! I did my hydration perfectly this morning. i weighed myself before i left the house. When I got home I reset the scale with me and 20 lbs of kitty litter, then hopped back on. I lost .2 of a pound. Of course I was not happy with my beginning weight of 139, but that's what comes of half a chicken burrito at the Portland Taqueria yesterday. By next wednesday I'm willing to bet I'll be back to 136 again, and 138 the week after, and 136 the week after that. It's all good.

Laterz all....and Have a HAPPY Saturday!

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The Last 10 Pounds

Friday, July 09, 2010

I’ve been frustrating myself trying to lose the last 10 lbs…again. I’ll “Be Good” one week, and then I’ll “Be Bad” the next…gaining and losing the same 2-3 lbs over and over and over. I get irked with the scale, I get irked with myself…do you see another whine coming on????? HAH!!! FOOLED YOU!!!!


After weighing in on Wednesday and seeing the scale reading a 2 lb gain (it was a 2 lb loss last week), I got to thinking about what I’m doing “right” and what I’m doing “wrong”. I had a small epiphany. I’m not doing anything right or wrong at all. I’m in maintenance. I’m not gaining and losing the same 2 lbs. I am staying even. There is no Being Good and Being Bad, it's all just part of being Balanced.

The larger epiphany I had last night was the fact that I am CHOOSING not to lose the last 10 lbs. I could easily do it if I would simply do the hard work and I am choosing not to. I could have it gone in 5-7 weeks. I could have it gone in time for Hood to Coast. But I have been choosing the easier route of maintaining and not pushing myself as hard as I know I am capable of doing.

To lose 1.5-2 lbs a week, I need to hit the gym for cardio 3 nights a week, and strength at least 2. I need to run 3-4 times a week on top of that, with one LSD run of at least 9 miles. I need to sleep at least 6 hours a night with 8 hours total of rest. I need to eat daily a 300 calorie breakfast, a 100 calorie snack, a 300 calorie lunch, a 100 calorie snack, a 400 calorie dinner and a 100 calorie snack. I need to do that every week for 5-7 weeks with no variation from that plan, unless my LSD run is longer than 13 miles (many of those coming up), and on that day eat no more than 1700 calories.

By choosing not to do this, I know I haven’t been ready to. I have all the tools to make it happen, I know I can do it because I’ve done it before…and for much longer than 5-7 weeks too. I made a choice and I didn’t bother to tell ME what that choice was. Maybe tomorrow I’ll make a different choice, but today I stay right where I am….in maintenance…staying the same weight – within 2-3 lbs – week in and week out. Right now I guess my is all about the balance.

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The Alphabet Game

Saturday, July 03, 2010

A few weeks ago my friend Keakman challenged us to think up 26 things we like about ourselves, based on the old Perry Como Alphabet Love Song

"A," you're adorable, "B," you're so beautiful,
"C," you're a cutie full of charms.
"D," you're a darling and "E," you're exciting
And "F," you're a feather in my arms.....

It took me a while to finish, but here is my Alphabet of Me...
26 different things that I like about me.

Altruistic
Brave
Courteous
Dedicated
Eager
Faithful
Grateful
Honest
Idealist
Jaunty
Kind
Level Headed
Magical
Nurturing
Original
Peaceful
Quixotic
Realist
Smart
Tasteful
Useful
Valiant
Willful
Xcited
Youthful
Zealous

Can you think of 26 things you like about YOU?

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