Sunday, January 06, 2013
Sooooo... well Happy New Year SP! I know I've been ghost for *quite* some time. I feel rather disappointed and ashamed in the lack of commitment and progress during this time..I could have lost the weight by now!! Well, to update the last year or so. I'm in my 2nd year of grad school now, I have been taking care of my family during their respective illnesses ( which can be overwhelming at times while also being a FT grad. student), my thyroid is all the way turnt up ( in a bad way :s) which means 2 new meds to try to get it working again (metabolism is super low-low). I gained weight..lots of weight (I'm so sad to update the weight I had originally on there ( the amount I lost 11 lbs at that time to a whopping new number..I'm the biggest that I have *ever* been and I *refuse* to get any bigger!!!)..my Drs realize that much of it is lots of fuid retention due to the severe Hoshimoto's thyrioditis ( it's not only attacking my thyriod but my skin too..hives, rashes occur so randomly now..argh!). I acknowledge that I've developed really horrible sleeping habits, don't work out much anymore, if at all and I eat really late and sporadically. Crap habits, but those are fixable! I also have been feeling really, really , *really* isolated from consistent friendship and support- it's just been school, internship, research, dealing with family matters and rinse and repeat. So I'm really feeling anxious, depressed, alone and just struggling right now. Also, I'm now in my late 20's (:s) ..lol..still not ready to accept that, because I feel like I have not accomplished what I hoped I would by this age and that I'm trying to catch up. Most of my friends that I hang out with when I visit the city (where we all went to undergrad together, I moved away for grad. school) during the few breaks we have-- they are married, engaged or in super long-term committed relationships-- I'm the South Asian single girl in grad school ( they are all American, so some cultural differences there too--its very Mindy Project-esque). I feel really self conscious and insecure right now-- ( awkward is my middle name), I joke that I'm like Dr. Elliot Reid from Scrubs..lol! I do have friends, associates, sorority sisters, but I want consistent, supportive best friends( I reach out but I guess more persistent effort?) and a healthy, quality, solid relationship with a quality, well educated, compassionate, witty, awesome man- people I can trust and not feel concerned if they are manipulating me, purposely excluding me or talking about me. I'm finally developing more personal strength by being assertive when I can. I know I have a way to go. I know that this has clearly become venting, in which whomever else reads this may not get what I'm saying and that I'm whining and sounding younger than my age, but I feel like I am stuck in a younger aged rut due to these insecurities and still being in pursuit of my higher education. I feel like its now or never with my health and having a somewhat decent 20s before 30 comes knocking. I just want to be happy and happiness takes a lot of hard work, so I just need support and some people here who will help me be accountable. It's been too many years of attempts and I can't anymore, seriously I know I said it before in an old post, but I can't..I'm in my late 20's, career, finding a husband, making myself in who I want to be and at peace with myself..it has to happen now or it never will, so I owe it to myself to try. I deserve good health, a happy heart and a peaceful mind. I just kinda have to remind myself that. Well, I'm clearly rambling... so yah, whomever you are reading this, if you can handle a lil nuerotic, but nice and supportive person as your spark buddy or one of your spark buddy crew--I'd appreciate it. A LOT. I want to feel ok in my skin, happy and healthy and that means I have work to do. That's the 1st step, right? Acknowledging it? Train hard, eat clean 2013!
Best wishes to you all out there -k
ps: Please forgive the typos/grammar, it's late and I'm emotionally spent right now.
Monday, June 29, 2009
* disclaimer : forgive any typos, I'm really tired!
So I sit here reflecting after the first official week of being on my program..I have gone to my University Rec Center and hired a nutritionist and a personal trainer (it was super affordable!!). I've enrolled in a Western African dance class and been to every class- and it has kicked my butt and unfortunately triggered my injuries to flare up a bit. However, depsite that I'm motivated, my 1st training session went well! I meet my nutritionist for the first time this Tuesday with my 2nd training session to follow, then off to work-yay!...I realized that 25lbs by 25th bday was a novel and sincerely motivating idea, but with my thyriod issues lately and other pesky health concerns I'll be glad with whatever I lose by then, as long as I get there or as that Miley Cyrus song ( I like the song, her not so much..lol) "it's not how fast I get there or whats on the other side, its the climb". I'm trying to focus on my dad to day progress & not on the "I'm gonna be a super bad (hot) chic by graduation" big picture or that'll get me anxious and off track....So the foodtracking is a bit much...but i'm getting better with other healthy habits...I went out dancing with some friends last night ( yay for the MJ tribute and dancing!!..boo for feeling unattractive - I realized it doesn't matter club dudes are not where's its at - so a number or a holla, doesn't measure my self worth, but it's annoying because I used to get hit on often and boo for comparing myself to those girls with their fashion forwardness, attractive figures but silly young attitudes- i'm 24 two other girls were 23 & 26 and understood my perspective, majority of them were 21) What doesnt help, but does at the same time is that the guy I'm seeing is so focused on me becoming this bad chic ( hottie) that it can get a bit upsetting, but it just fuels my desire to get a figure that actually toner and more fit than the friends I compared myself to...I'm adamant about looking hot by the end of all of this..but honestly I'm moreso looking forward to the upped confidence and the better health I'll have...well ..I'm gonna keep chugging along...I think I can, I can can!..lol...Choochoo! Next stop 5Points [ 5 lbs weight loss!] ( a real train stop in Atlanta)..lol...Choo! Chooo!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I've just had an epiphany- I can't do this and be this way anymore. I'm about to be 25 in a few months (OMG!!)and though I'm in my Quarterlife Crisis (seriously and that's another entry in itself.) I've been overweight majorly in my undergrad years due to personal tramua, medical conditions and then developing bad eating habits. I really want to enjoy my youth- I haven't partied hard or traveled as much as I would have liked thus far -due to school, work commitments, but I want to live life now and a part of that is having a "youthful figure", to be confident, wear the clothes I wanna wear. Get my health conditions properly managed. I get guys now, but I wanna be a bad chick/hottie. I wanna return to dance - I danced for 7 years when I was younger. I want to enjoy my 20s and not look back and have regret of where it went and how it was spent! I want to be happy about how I look. I don't to honest who will read or anyone will, -this is therapuetic... but (I'm on the verge of tears), but I want to be happy with my looks, with myself. I've been MIA shortly after joining this group - I know it defeats the whole purpose..LOL..well anyway, I'm back ready to be serious & committed.. my goal is to lose 25lbs by my 25th birthday- I have 15 weeks. I wanna look good for my 25th - party it up, get down with the get down-after putting others and other things before myself I deserve that!! Help me get there!!
Monday, May 04, 2009
It's 4 am on a Sunday, this entry may or may not be fully comprehendible due to the environmental and/or biological factors involved in blogging late/early in the am....However, I was quite compelled to write...nevertheless..Now onto the entry!
So I realized ( well actually revisited this thought and fully mulled over it in depth) earlier this evening that I really am the one in charge of many of the issues that I'm stressed over- the outside factors notwithstanding-graduating and getting into grad school, the weight loss, becoming more organized, feeling more confident...basically the ideal Kay is truly within reach if I just pushed myself out of my comfort zone a bit and took the risks ( and energy) to get there- baby steps are allowed. I feel like as I reach one, the next one will follow and soon everything will fall into place- I know my life will not become suddenly perfect, but things will improve a considerable amount and I will be better able to handle Life's little curveballs. I am close to completing one of the goals I set for myself for 2009..if I could do that then I know the rest are just as attainable..I just have to push, shove, kick myself into it and be creative in the process- route A maybe blocked, so don't be afraid of taking detours B,C or D- they be different paths than I originally imagined but they'll still get me to my desired destination. I admittedly am disappointed with many things in my life that I coulda, woulda, shoulda done, but all I can do now is work 3 times harder, be aware & open-minded, take opportunities as they present themselves instead of being indecisive, pray and do my gosh honest best---seriously MY best so when I look at myself I know I did what I could and leave it be...medical conditions notwithstanding- I'm not as tough on myself as I am on my younger sister (whom I want the best for)...I wanna be assertive and tough love myself but also have a kind tone in this personal journey of change....I truly feel I'm at a crossroads in my life..with my Quarter Life (hence the crisis mode!!) coming up soon, graduation and a new chapter in my young adulthood around the corner..I feel NOW is the time to step up, be honest with myself, take personal responsibilty and be a big girl and make these changes as they are and will be the necessary tools to get me through these milestones and help me transtion into the successful adult I so desperately want to become.
On a personal health note---gained about 6-7 lbs- realized my thyroid is outta wack again, gotta go to the Endo. to get it checked out =( and ate some awesome curried vegetable subji (dish) but I made the mistake of putting michi ( hot spices) in it and even though I've been GI good for the past 3-4 months, my IBS just flared up real bad ---heartburn and acid tummy all day/night. Booooo!
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget about them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with to high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." | Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You may not know where you are going or how you are getting there but you do know you are not where you started. "
In friendship ( and diet, exercise and healthy lifestyle changes),
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