KARISMATIC1   2,083
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KARISMATIC1's Recent Blog Entries

Isolation

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

It's been an emotional week and half so far. Mom is in the hospital after months of being sick and in and out of the ER. Trying to get back on track for stuff for school for my capstone/thesis research and internship, get lil sister on track for her school stuff. A good friend just found out that his dad's cancer is no longer treatable and must prepare for hospice. The two guys friends that I was talking (romantically) to off and on in the past year and who are my closest friends-- they are MIA. My gfs are not as close to me anymore. I feel rejected and even more forgotten than usual. And now there may be a family emergency overseas and we can't get in touch with that family. I'm just so overwhelmed, depressed and sad for my friends going through difficulties and my own family and I have no one to talk to...it's silly I have sooo many FB friends but none of them I feel comfortable to talk to anymore about anything. I want geniune friends and those friends are not responding back when I reach our. I'm alone, lonely, isolated, there's no one. I just keep holding back tears and am trying to get family errands done. I just want to feel loved and supported and know I have familiar friends there. I'm just feeling so emotional and empty at the same time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JYOTI68 1/10/2013 11:37PM

    My prayers for your family. I can understand your frustation but just hang in there. You are right that its hard under these circumstances to focus on diet and exercise. Just take one day at a time. and remember do not give up. Just keep your attitude positive.



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KARISMATIC1 1/10/2013 4:07PM

    Hello you all,
I just got home from spending the night and over half day at the hospital with mom. I really appreciate you all thinking of me and responding to my post with well wishes, support and suggestions. I'm trying to be positive, but the diet and Jan. fit challange have fallen to the wayside, I'm just focusing on what needs to be accomplished school and family-wise right now. I'll get there. Thank you SP pals!! best wishes to you all too.

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JMNEMET 1/10/2013 10:11AM

    That is so much for one person to deal with. I know your family is struggling and I feel so sorry for them. Things will pass and get better for you! And it seems as if you are really stepping up for your sister. That is wonderful and I'm sure she appreciates it! Just remember to take a little you time to heal your soul! Those of us on sparkpeople are here and pulling for ya!

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OBIESMOM2 1/9/2013 3:27PM

    emoticon emoticon

sorry you have so much piling up at once

blogs are a great way to vent your frustrations.

emoticon emoticon

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JENAE954 1/9/2013 3:03PM

  We are here for you.

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DDOORN 1/9/2013 2:47PM

    Time to beat the bushes and see what you can drum up for yourself!

Check your local paper for fun stuff to get out and do. A while back someone tipped me off on a wonderful local group that offers Swing Dance classes on a weekly basis for only $3 a pop! It's a lot of fun! No smoking, no drinking just people who want to get out and have a good time dancing!

I've never danced before in my life...but it's opened new doors for me.

Perhaps there are doors right in your area waiting to be opened by you!

Don

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CASEYSAUER 1/9/2013 2:46PM

    You are not alone. I'm here for you!

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Returning to SP after the hiatus

Sunday, January 06, 2013

Sooooo... well Happy New Year SP! I know I've been ghost for *quite* some time. I feel rather disappointed and ashamed in the lack of commitment and progress during this time..I could have lost the weight by now!! Well, to update the last year or so. I'm in my 2nd year of grad school now, I have been taking care of my family during their respective illnesses ( which can be overwhelming at times while also being a FT grad. student), my thyroid is all the way turnt up ( in a bad way :s) which means 2 new meds to try to get it working again (metabolism is super low-low). I gained weight..lots of weight (I'm so sad to update the weight I had originally on there ( the amount I lost 11 lbs at that time to a whopping new number..I'm the biggest that I have *ever* been and I *refuse* to get any bigger!!!)..my Drs realize that much of it is lots of fuid retention due to the severe Hoshimoto's thyrioditis ( it's not only attacking my thyriod but my skin too..hives, rashes occur so randomly now..argh!). I acknowledge that I've developed really horrible sleeping habits, don't work out much anymore, if at all and I eat really late and sporadically. Crap habits, but those are fixable! I also have been feeling really, really , *really* isolated from consistent friendship and support- it's just been school, internship, research, dealing with family matters and rinse and repeat. So I'm really feeling anxious, depressed, alone and just struggling right now. Also, I'm now in my late 20's (:s) ..lol..still not ready to accept that, because I feel like I have not accomplished what I hoped I would by this age and that I'm trying to catch up. Most of my friends that I hang out with when I visit the city (where we all went to undergrad together, I moved away for grad. school) during the few breaks we have-- they are married, engaged or in super long-term committed relationships-- I'm the South Asian single girl in grad school ( they are all American, so some cultural differences there too--its very Mindy Project-esque). I feel really self conscious and insecure right now-- ( awkward is my middle name), I joke that I'm like Dr. Elliot Reid from Scrubs..lol! I do have friends, associates, sorority sisters, but I want consistent, supportive best friends( I reach out but I guess more persistent effort?) and a healthy, quality, solid relationship with a quality, well educated, compassionate, witty, awesome man- people I can trust and not feel concerned if they are manipulating me, purposely excluding me or talking about me. I'm finally developing more personal strength by being assertive when I can. I know I have a way to go. I know that this has clearly become venting, in which whomever else reads this may not get what I'm saying and that I'm whining and sounding younger than my age, but I feel like I am stuck in a younger aged rut due to these insecurities and still being in pursuit of my higher education. I feel like its now or never with my health and having a somewhat decent 20s before 30 comes knocking. I just want to be happy and happiness takes a lot of hard work, so I just need support and some people here who will help me be accountable. It's been too many years of attempts and I can't anymore, seriously I know I said it before in an old post, but I can't..I'm in my late 20's, career, finding a husband, making myself in who I want to be and at peace with myself..it has to happen now or it never will, so I owe it to myself to try. I deserve good health, a happy heart and a peaceful mind. I just kinda have to remind myself that. Well, I'm clearly rambling... so yah, whomever you are reading this, if you can handle a lil nuerotic, but nice and supportive person as your spark buddy or one of your spark buddy crew--I'd appreciate it. A LOT. I want to feel ok in my skin, happy and healthy and that means I have work to do. That's the 1st step, right? Acknowledging it? Train hard, eat clean 2013!
Best wishes to you all out there -k
ps: Please forgive the typos/grammar, it's late and I'm emotionally spent right now.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MIRFA71 1/8/2013 1:10PM

    Its good that you are back. Take one step at a time. No need to hurry or rush. Just focus on one goal at a time. You can do it. We all at SP are with you. Good luck. emoticon emoticon GIRL.

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JYOTI68 1/8/2013 5:36AM

    Karishma,

You are a very beautiful, hardworking, caring and smart young girl. I know your pain and know how you feel. I have been there. I am 45 now but I married when I was in my late 20's. Never thought I would be able to marry. Coming from traditional Indian families we do not easily fall into dating. You have focused on your education which is really the best thing. Falling in love and marriage and kids will happen when its meant to be..

I know how you feel about your weight issues too. I have been there and for the last 2 yrs I felt very depressed and down over my miserable life and the more I thought about loosing weight, the more lbs I kept on packing. I gained 30 lbs in last 2 yrs and get ashamed to even post my weight on SP that what people will say. But beginning this year I feel a lot better. I guess some of my situations have changed and I have little bit more time than I had before. So far, I took care of every obligation in my life but me. and now I have to focus on me little bit too.

I would so want to help you get through this. I would say one thing that with all my crying and complaining, I never left hope. After few days, I tried again and again even after failing again and again. I thought in my silent moments what I need to do to get better. where in my busy day can I find some time to exercise. In order to loose weight, I have to exercise and eat well. But I find no time to exercise and no time to prepare better meals. SO I have made a promise to myself that its going to happen this year. I am going to try every day. If I miss a day no problems... I will pick it up the next day.
I can't tell what you should do as no one can be in your shoes. But I could only be an emotional support and I will just say that take one day at a time. Like the others commented. I am doing the same thing. The good days never stayed, so the bad days will pass too. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up. You will find strength to do all the things you want as long as you do not give up on hope. You will loose weight the way you want to and will meet a person who you would love. God always have someone for everyone.

I sooo want to hug you so you can feel better. Please don't feel alone.

Come join us on the January exercise log so you can get motivated and or motivate others.

I wish you all the luck.

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HORSESHOEHONEY 1/7/2013 5:37PM

    So glad to have you back! Good Luck!!

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MILLERISHEALTHY 1/6/2013 8:18PM

    It's obvious to me that you're a hard worker (FT grad student, taking care of family even w/health problems of your own). I can tell you have a lot to offer the world and others.

I agree with one of the other comments, " Smile at all the other grad students, and you will be surprised at how many friends you will have." I have found that smiling at others and asking them how they're doing makes a world of difference. It comes hard for me because of social anxiety, but it really does help.

My daughter is 21 and an undergraduate. She's never had a boyfriend, although she'd like to have one. She's very shy, has social anxiety, and wants to get to know someone before dating them (like maybe working with them first). She worries that she's never done anything with her life except study and make straight A's. She worries that she'll never meet the right man and get married or have a family. I worry about that sometimes, too, but then I remember that most young people these days get married and have children at an older age than my generation.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have focused on your education, which is a wonderful accomplishment and something you will always be grateful that you did - it will positively impact the rest of your life and is something no one can ever take from you. You've also helped your family and are now trying to get your health on an even keel. I think you've made some wise investments in your future and I feel that you'll meet that special someone when the time is right.

Take care of yourself and keep in touch. I find that I get of lots of support and encouragement from fellow team members, and I enjoy encouraging them in return. It helps me feel less alone and more connected to others in a meaningful way.

Blessings,

Miller :D

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KARISMATIC1 1/6/2013 5:19PM

    Thank you all so much for reading my post and supporting me. I wish you all well in your respective journeys too!

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DDOORN 1/6/2013 11:32AM

    What is it about the helping professions and huge pitfall of "caretaking" that can cause us folks to forget about being caretakers of our OWN selves...? Been there, done that, continue to struggle against it too!

Remember: you do your family NO FAVORS by shortchanging yourself and neglecting your needs. It may seem selfish, but putting yourself at the front of the line as #1 priority results in a healthier, happier self who has all the more energy and reserves and can "be there" for your family and loved ones even BETTER as a result!

You can DO IT!!! :-)

Don

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SNOWJESTER 1/6/2013 10:54AM

    I'm in my late 20s too. Times are getting rough, lol. People younger than me are getting engaged. I don't even want to get married and it still annoys me! Oh we,, one day at a time. I'm glad your back on spark. There's this quote that goes something like, "A year from now you'll have wished you started today." So start today! You know what your bad habits are so fix em. Let's make our late 20s awesome! emoticon

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KAYYVAUGHN 1/6/2013 5:54AM

    My advice is to take it one day at the time. Smile at all the other grad students, and you will be surprised at how many friends you will have.
Also, try to stay in motion as much as possible. March in place and take side steps. Every movement helps.
Good luck be a caregiver. It's not easy.

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THE_SHAKESHAFT 1/6/2013 4:58AM

    Good luck!!

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The K train has left the station..choo! chooo!

Monday, June 29, 2009

* disclaimer : forgive any typos, I'm really tired!

So I sit here reflecting after the first official week of being on my program..I have gone to my University Rec Center and hired a nutritionist and a personal trainer (it was super affordable!!). I've enrolled in a Western African dance class and been to every class- and it has kicked my butt and unfortunately triggered my injuries to flare up a bit. However, depsite that I'm motivated, my 1st training session went well! I meet my nutritionist for the first time this Tuesday with my 2nd training session to follow, then off to work-yay!...I realized that 25lbs by 25th bday was a novel and sincerely motivating idea, but with my thyriod issues lately and other pesky health concerns I'll be glad with whatever I lose by then, as long as I get there or as that Miley Cyrus song ( I like the song, her not so much..lol) "it's not how fast I get there or whats on the other side, its the climb". I'm trying to focus on my dad to day progress & not on the "I'm gonna be a super bad (hot) chic by graduation" big picture or that'll get me anxious and off track....So the foodtracking is a bit much...but i'm getting better with other healthy habits...I went out dancing with some friends last night ( yay for the MJ tribute and dancing!!..boo for feeling unattractive - I realized it doesn't matter club dudes are not where's its at - so a number or a holla, doesn't measure my self worth, but it's annoying because I used to get hit on often and boo for comparing myself to those girls with their fashion forwardness, attractive figures but silly young attitudes- i'm 24 two other girls were 23 & 26 and understood my perspective, majority of them were 21) What doesnt help, but does at the same time is that the guy I'm seeing is so focused on me becoming this bad chic ( hottie) that it can get a bit upsetting, but it just fuels my desire to get a figure that actually toner and more fit than the friends I compared myself to...I'm adamant about looking hot by the end of all of this..but honestly I'm moreso looking forward to the upped confidence and the better health I'll have...well ..I'm gonna keep chugging along...I think I can, I can can!..lol...Choochoo! Next stop 5Points [ 5 lbs weight loss!] ( a real train stop in Atlanta)..lol...Choo! Chooo!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TORYJANE719 6/29/2009 1:04PM

    Sounds like you have the right attitude! Don't compare yourself to all the skinny bitches at the bars and clubs though! You will just get discourage and you won't have fun when you are out. I just try to stick with my friends and dance a lot. It's good to have long term goals, but you need to have a few short term ones too to keep yourself focused. Great job on joining the dance class.... that is definitely a great outlet for exercise and stress-relief. As for tracking food, I know it can be tedious, but it really helps me out. I really wasn't aware that I was eating as much as I was before I started tracking my calories. So maybe that could be a short term goal for you. Like you could start out with a few days per week and work your way up to every day if you are interested. I hope everything works out for you! Have a great week!
-Tory
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LUCYGODDESS 6/29/2009 9:14AM

    emoticon emoticon

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I'm WORTH this!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I've just had an epiphany- I can't do this and be this way anymore. I'm about to be 25 in a few months (OMG!!)and though I'm in my Quarterlife Crisis (seriously and that's another entry in itself.) I've been overweight majorly in my undergrad years due to personal tramua, medical conditions and then developing bad eating habits. I really want to enjoy my youth- I haven't partied hard or traveled as much as I would have liked thus far -due to school, work commitments, but I want to live life now and a part of that is having a "youthful figure", to be confident, wear the clothes I wanna wear. Get my health conditions properly managed. I get guys now, but I wanna be a bad chick/hottie. I wanna return to dance - I danced for 7 years when I was younger. I want to enjoy my 20s and not look back and have regret of where it went and how it was spent! I want to be happy about how I look. I don't to honest who will read or anyone will, -this is therapuetic... but (I'm on the verge of tears), but I want to be happy with my looks, with myself. I've been MIA shortly after joining this group - I know it defeats the whole purpose..LOL..well anyway, I'm back ready to be serious & committed.. my goal is to lose 25lbs by my 25th birthday- I have 15 weeks. I wanna look good for my 25th - party it up, get down with the get down-after putting others and other things before myself I deserve that!! Help me get there!!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SADIEDOLORES 5/23/2009 10:25AM

    DEAR ONEINAMILLION, WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE AND BECAUSE OF SP FRIENDS ENCOURAGING ME I AM LOSING, TRY COMING OVER TO "THE ONE PLACE TO TALK" WE NEED ENCOURAGEMENT JUST LIKE YOU, PLEASE TRY IT AND SEE IF WE CAN GET THIS TEAM GOING AGAIN, WHAT DO HAVE TO LOSE BUT LBS. HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE, WERE SHORT BUT WERE MIGHTY.
SADIE emoticon

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DIABETICVIP 5/22/2009 5:07PM

    Congrats and if I am worth it then so are you!! emoticon

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REHAKK 5/22/2009 11:33AM

    “If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”
You go girl !

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*MADHU* 5/22/2009 2:27AM

    YOU ARE WORTH IT emoticon

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Keeping goals

Monday, May 04, 2009

It's 4 am on a Sunday, this entry may or may not be fully comprehendible due to the environmental and/or biological factors involved in blogging late/early in the am....However, I was quite compelled to write...nevertheless..Now onto the entry!

So I realized ( well actually revisited this thought and fully mulled over it in depth) earlier this evening that I really am the one in charge of many of the issues that I'm stressed over- the outside factors notwithstanding-graduating and getting into grad school, the weight loss, becoming more organized, feeling more confident...basically the ideal Kay is truly within reach if I just pushed myself out of my comfort zone a bit and took the risks ( and energy) to get there- baby steps are allowed. I feel like as I reach one, the next one will follow and soon everything will fall into place- I know my life will not become suddenly perfect, but things will improve a considerable amount and I will be better able to handle Life's little curveballs. I am close to completing one of the goals I set for myself for 2009..if I could do that then I know the rest are just as attainable..I just have to push, shove, kick myself into it and be creative in the process- route A maybe blocked, so don't be afraid of taking detours B,C or D- they be different paths than I originally imagined but they'll still get me to my desired destination. I admittedly am disappointed with many things in my life that I coulda, woulda, shoulda done, but all I can do now is work 3 times harder, be aware & open-minded, take opportunities as they present themselves instead of being indecisive, pray and do my gosh honest best---seriously MY best so when I look at myself I know I did what I could and leave it be...medical conditions notwithstanding- I'm not as tough on myself as I am on my younger sister (whom I want the best for)...I wanna be assertive and tough love myself but also have a kind tone in this personal journey of change....I truly feel I'm at a crossroads in my life..with my Quarter Life (hence the crisis mode!!) coming up soon, graduation and a new chapter in my young adulthood around the corner..I feel NOW is the time to step up, be honest with myself, take personal responsibilty and be a big girl and make these changes as they are and will be the necessary tools to get me through these milestones and help me transtion into the successful adult I so desperately want to become.

On a personal health note---gained about 6-7 lbs- realized my thyroid is outta wack again, gotta go to the Endo. to get it checked out =( and ate some awesome curried vegetable subji (dish) but I made the mistake of putting michi ( hot spices) in it and even though I've been GI good for the past 3-4 months, my IBS just flared up real bad ---heartburn and acid tummy all day/night. Booooo!
=s

***
"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget about them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with to high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." | Ralph Waldo Emerson

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"You may not know where you are going or how you are getting there but you do know you are not where you started. "
**

In friendship ( and diet, exercise and healthy lifestyle changes),
K


  


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