Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Yesterday was an off day for me. Not necessarily off with what I did; just off mentally. As for dieting, I was not feeling it. Not. Feeling. It. So I gave myself permission not to feel it. I gave myself permission to take a day off. Even with that permission, I didn't find that I overdid anything; I just didn't worry about it.
I don't know if it was having a day off or if it just is the beauty of a new day, but today is completely the opposite. I went for a four mile walk before work this morning and enjoyed every step. I enjoyed (please forgive me) that my better half who went with me was struggling not even half way in. I enjoyed that I'm already planning the same walking area for tomorrow morning but wondering how to best add another mile or so to the journey.
This may not sound like anything to you beyond a day off and getting back on track, but to me it was pretty huge. Prior to this attempt, I have proven to be an extreme dieter. I didn't exercise just once a day, I had to exercise 2-3 times per day. My food choices were crazy and not something I could maintain later. I didn't weigh in weekly, I weighed in multiple times every day. Then, as soon as I "Failed" for a day, I would go into such a funk that I would fail multiple days. Then multiple weeks. Then I couldn't even remember I was dieting and gained it all back.
I'm not extreme dieting this time. I have 32 lbs to lose and have given myself another 29 weeks to do it in. That is more than doable. When I set the long range goal, I felt a bit of a panic; feeling like I was going to look like this for the rest of the year. But I'm not. I'm going to look different when I lose 5 lbs. I'm going to look different when I lose another 3 after that. Every single lb will make a difference. Every single workout will make a difference in my shape, emotions and health.
Equally as important, is that I am creating a lifestyle that I can maintain. I can continue - easily - to alter my recipes and cut where I can. I can continue to exercise like a normal person. I can take occassional days off and just get back on track the next day. I can remember what it feels like to be a thin person and live my life like that.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Today's lunch was a turkey taco salad - turkey breast, lettuce, tomatoes, shredded carrots and a touch of cheese. It was a simple meal that was low in fat and calories because of some simple modifications ... ground turkey breast, lots of crunchy lettuce and carrots so I wouldn't miss the shell, no sour cream, and just enough cheese to add flavor but not dominate. I thoroughly enjoyed it and ... wait for it ... stopped eating when I was full.
Why is this blog-worthy you ask? Because for the first time in way too long and way too many diet attempts, that I knew confidently that once I lose this weight, I will be able to keep it off if I just PAY ATTENTION.
Here is what my turkey taco salad taught me:
- it takes very little to fill me up;
- I prefer many of the food modifications I've come up with over the original recipe;
- my lunch, while blog-worthly today, didn't make or break my day. Had it not been good, I wouldn't have needed to eat a second lunch, or a piece of chocolate, or a heavy snack. It's just food, there will be another meal coming in a few hours that I can make better; and
- I don't feel like I'm on a diet right now; I'm just PAYING ATTENTION. I'm not sacrificing anything and, by tracking, I'm also not mindlessly putting food in my mouth.
So thank you turkey taco salad for a great lunch and for the faith to know not only can I do this, but I can maintain it.
Now if only this salad could teach me patience ...
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Today I read Carrie Fisher’s weight loss blog. So much of what she said hit home. Specifically the following: “these days when I have conversations, I feel like I have to bring up how I look by saying "Yes, I'm fat," and "Yes, I know I'm fat," so now we both know, and we can get on with things." I feel exactly like that. I host semi-annual conferences for my company and, at the last one, felt like I should have started every conversation as Carrie quoted … “Yes, I’m fat and yes, I know I’m fat.” I piled on multiple pairs of spanx and other “suck it in” gear and still struggled to button the big girl pants I bought for the conference. I could barely sit in all of that and it still didn’t hide my size. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. As the conference host, I had to spend most of my time standing in front of everyone when all I really wanted to do was hide in the back.
I know people have the right to be surprised by how I look; especially those that don’t see me often. Heck, I’m surprised by how I look. Every now and then I forget and feel the same energy and poise that I used to have … and then I see my shadow or my reflection in the mirror. Egad; what happened?! Where did the old me go?? Did this person I see swallow her?? Have you ever seen the movie “Mrs. Doubtfire”? There is a scene in it where Robin Williams has to quickly switch between Mrs. Doubtfire and himself, partially by wiggling into and out of a fat suit. I feel like I’m stuck in that fat suit; like if only I could find that dang zipper, I could free myself from it and the old me would step back out. If only …
My next conference is in October. While I know I may not be at my goal weight by then, I will be pushing to be mighty close to it. I want to walk into that conference and say “What? You thought I was fat? No … that was just my fat suit.” I’m trying very hard to stay patient and remember the October goal, and more importantly my December 31st goal of hitting my targeted weight. Remembering is a struggle for me; I’m far too much of an instant gratification person. I need to accept that I didn’t get like this in 6 months; it was a multi-year process of ups, downs and ups, ups, UPS. I need to love myself enough to give myself the time I need to become healthy and get myself out of this fat suit. To do that, I need to find my old enthusiasm and stop being afraid of my shadow. I need to leave the house and not feel the need to say “Yes, I’m fat and yes, I know I’m fat.” I need to stop looking for the zipper; this fat suit will only come off through continual work. Finally, I need to do that work without fear of failure. So here we go …
Monday, June 20, 2011
While today is officially day 7, it may be more fair to say it's day 5. Not such a great weekend. I received very bad news on Friday night and it was all I needed, as an emotional eater, to say "to heck with it." I could list a thousand excuses for it. I could say I "earned" a weekend off. I could use this as my excuse to give up.
Or I could say that it's over and done, I messed up, but it is a new day. This is the option I choose today. I choose to forgive myself, forget the mistake and do what I need to starting again today. Making this a life change rather than a diet means I'm going to have days/weekends that aren't what they should be. It isn't about not having them, it's about not letting them become the norm.
So I've gotten my Zumba video done, have had a healthy lunch, am on track with my water drinking, have a great dinner planned and am back on this site - tracking, reading and posting. Onward and upward :)
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