KANDIKERNAN   1,360
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KANDIKERNAN's Recent Blog Entries

Posting when things are Good?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

What about posting when things aren't so good? It seems I would find the time to post when I feel a PEAK in motivation and then...FIZZLE. I have been doing some soul searching lately shedding alot of tears. I woke up this a.m. puffy faced from crying last night. I started writing down some real defining moments, to which I am not finished. As I wrote some of these sad moments that effected me, I began to cry and realize that all of these outside circumstances have caused me to believe things about myself that are not true. I am finding that I may be using food or my lack of self control to in effect, reject myself. What I am hearing is all the negative things I have thought, said to myself or heard play in my mind. I think of the moment when I fail, eat something I shouldnt have and listen to what I say to myself. It's really sad. I see how these moments I have had have played a role that is very serious in causing me to sabotage a healthy life for myself. I am so sorry that in feeling the pain of rejection and abuses that I have internalized them so much to rejecting myself to the point now I am 120lbs overweight. I actually thought I was free from these past incidences, Yes maybe the pain of them, but in letting go of the incidences I formed a negative persona of myself...does this make sense? I need to really be conscience of EVERY thought and know that I am worth being healthy and to quit rejecting myself. I am still searching and trying to take all this in deeply and not forget what I have discovered today. I am a WONDERFUL person. I have alot of great giftings and talents to share. I am FUN. I DO have value and worth. In the last 15 years I have felt so trapped, paralyzed in myself, don't get me wrong, I have had many SHINING moments as well. But this deep self destructive thinking that would creep up so subtly...the earth is beginning to rumble.....The prison bars ARE SHAKING my friend...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ITS_MY_TURN_NOW 4/27/2011 4:57PM

    You deserve to be healthy! You are worth the effort! Keep shaking those bars!
emoticon emoticon emoticon
Julee

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Measured

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Today I had Bob Measure me..I suppose I am serious about losing weight to have him measure me and see that we almost ran out of TAPE! This is something I have been talking about for waaay too long. I feel like God has given me a second chance at life after I was struck with a lung disease and suffered for two years with it. I was then touched during a church service and healed totally within a year after. I have alot of heart disease and diabetes obesity in my family. Just recently I had a thorough check up, my lipids are great bloodpressure good and sugars good... so THIS IS IT ..I have to do this. I want to be active again, I want to feel that freedom of being fit again...once upon a time I was an athletic energetic being.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BKNITNWW 2/22/2011 9:15AM

    Congrats on your good checkup! You can do this and we're all here to help you through this too!

p.s. I love your fighting cat picture!

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My Prayer for Today

Monday, February 21, 2011

Counting on you Lord to help me see myself as you see me. Help me to know EVERY day just how much I am worth and not to get lost in this whirlwind of daily life. Help me to plan and perhaps steer my days along side of what you have for me. Even though I need to focus on my SELF help me to not be selfish when it comes to seeing people and helping them when I can in their struggles.
Thank you Lord for this life you have given me, thank you Lord for the health that I have...when I was doing damage to my body and what I was consuming, you held back total destruction and death because you love me. Thank you. I pray for the Spark community Lord that you would touch each individual who logs on today and those whose hearts want to get back. Strengthen and encourage today through the people in this community. Thanks again Lord for waking me up this morning.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPARKENISTA 2/21/2011 12:27PM

    emoticon for this beautiful prayer. Bless you, as well. I understand your sentiment about "not being selfish" but if we don't focus on ourselves and feed ourselves on every level, from literal to spiritual, we won't be much good to anyone else, either.

I somehow don't think that being selfish is your problem.

Best,

Merry

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poor me

Monday, December 13, 2010

Somedays are just "poor me" days....pathetic they don't make sense to me...I have all the answers but no plan. I don't even know how to plan or set goals. Poor me doesn't have anyone to motivate me..when I KNOW it should be ME that motivates myself...I AM looking for something outside of myself to come to my rescue when in essence I AM THE ONLY one who can move MY ASS...It's one of those days....I am really going to have to get serious and get in God's face about my life. I am not living a balanced one, not a healthy one and I want to be a WHOLE person spiritually and physically. This pity MUST end! Time to get angry determined and FIGHT THIS FIGHT! I know how hard it is and my flesh does NOT want to DIE! BUT IT MUST so that I CAN LIVE! Jesus don't take your hand off of me concerning this...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WENDYWITKOSKI 12/13/2010 5:41PM

    emoticonTake the first step. Start with something small, drink all your water, log your food or go for a walk TODAY. It just might make you feel like doing more tomorrow.

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JANETRAE45 12/13/2010 9:21AM

    Amen!! I feel the same way today. Must be the season...lol. The emotions are running wild but I know things will happen for you if you just stay focused and keep plugging away. It's a love/hate relationship with yourself and I feel the very same way. Take care of yourself and just know that it will work if you still with what you know to be the right thing. As pitiful as I feel sometimes, I will keep striving to make my goals a reality because I am worth it and so are you!! Have a great week! emoticon

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BIGBUCS 12/13/2010 9:20AM

    you can do it

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October 21, 2010

Thursday, October 21, 2010

So glad I went to the gym today. I was somewhat intimidated as I am not comfortable with my body and not familiar enough with the machines. I talked to a few people. One I met a newly promoted chief in the Navy and 2 others I knew from church so it was nice and encouraging. I felt pretty good overall with my work out and I am looking forward to tomorrow. It was SUPER hard getting up at 5:30 this am after tossing and turning all night. I pray it gets easier and I become addicted to this life style of fitness and health. To God be all the Glory today. I am thankful that I can MOVE, walk and breathe on my own.Fighting this flesh is not easy but I believe that it will be a fight WORTH fighting in the end...I WIN...actually I win EVERYDAY I decide to do something GOOD for myself. I am a little concerned about going to work and eating today ( i need to go to the grocery store)but I will do my best from here on out to track all my food.
I am taking my SPARK book to work when I have "down" time to read. Last night's message at church was wonderful about faith and working it ...taking action. It really inspired me for the workout today. I went to the doctor yesterday(obgyn) and weighed in at 275 on their scale! According to MINE I was 10lbs lighter. I would like to lose 10lbs. when I go back in 4 weeks!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THICK2THIN2484 10/29/2010 12:01PM

    I'm struggling with weight loss too....and it's a LONG journey.....but, slow and steady is better than fast and furious. I try to look at everyday as a goal...If I can stay on track all the way to bedtime, it was a successful day! Just remember Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me". No one is perfect. Everyone slips up, but our Faith shows how we react to it. Keep fighting, and keep me posted!

God Bless!

Dori
God Lovin' Losers Leader

Comment edited on: 10/29/2010 12:02:38 PM

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