Saturday, March 09, 2013
My daughter has been sick, my boyfriend, my dad, I've been living off of junk food. One night since my last entry I was in the emergency room with my dad and I LITERALLY HAD COOKIES FOR DINNER.
I have a kitchen stocked full of fruits and vegetables now though: oranges, pluots, bananas, zucchini, squash, cauliflower, and SANTA CLAUS MELONS!
I think I should start talking more about what I eat, because it'll keep me more focused on food if I'm posting it here too. Idea from my good friend Sheenuh. :)
Yesterday, I had a bowl of special K chocolatey delight for breakfast (THEY LIE! It needed like, twice as many strawberries and chocolate!) and had an orange for a snack. A turkey sandwich for lunch (ew! I regretted it immensely but I'm too broke to waste food so I ate it) and had some corn on the cob, cole slaw, and a buffalo chicken hoagie for dinner. Came in around 1300 calories before I drank the last half of the day before's Mello Yellow, so I'm around 1400 calories.
Today: Special K for breakfast with fat free milk, again. A bowl of melon and a pluot for snacks, a slimfast for lunch (I have a LOT to do!) and on the menu tonight is lemon butter shrimp, wild rice, and roasted veggies.
After too long of falling off the bandwagon, I'm up two pounds... but, I'm also bloated, so I'm pretty sure at the end of the day I really just weigh about the same. Ah well. :)
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Okay, my boyfriend is a TERRIBLE influence! He knows I'm trying to lose weight, so he comes over and... makes monkey bread. And he craves sweets all the time, so I end up making him cookies, and sharing. And then I make bread, and, and, and "one cheat day" turns into "cooking indulgent food because I still feel the need to impress my boyfriend who practically lives with me and already knows I'm a really good cook." OOPS!
So, back on track, starting today. Life is pretty ... overwhelming right now. I'm battling depression, everything is going wrong. I don't have a running vehicle, I don't have a washing machine, I don't have the money to fix any of these things because I'm having to save every last dime to foot the bill for a lawyer. (I'm not in trouble- it's just for a custody agreement)
My sister left again- so it's just me, little clueless me who just now bought her first tool set, who is suddenly left to deal with all these repairs. I have my boyfriend and some very, very skilled friends, but no money..
It's had me scared, though. I keep getting into a bigger hole- more and more things need fixed, my ex isn't paying child support, I have no vehicle and no washing machine and can't work because I have my dad. I have no family to fall back on because my mom and my aunt died and the rest of my family doesn't have much to do with me because they don't agree with my lifestyle (I'm agnostic and bisexual, and despite the fact that I'm in a monogamous relationship with a man, I also have a child out of wedlock), and they all live hours away anyway.
I have my boyfriend who is awesome, but he doesn't live with me and aside from him, I am alone. I am scared, and I am alone. My diet and exercise is absolutely the only thing I have control over right now, I feel like, and if I don't reel my caloric intake back in, I will only end up resenting myself for it and making myself even MORE depressed.
So, here I am again. I would have posted days ago but for some reason, the "Add a Blog entry" button only likes to work about 1/3 of the time. Stop misbehaving, sparkpeople!!! Haha!
Saturday, February 09, 2013
I had my first cheat day a few days ago. It was awesome. I don't think I ever even touched sugar, but I probably ate my weight in fried cornbread. Back on track yesterday, and today I can't wait until the girls nap so I can exercise. My boyfriend seems to be loving how my legs are firming up! A few days ago one of my guy friends noticed I had lost a bit of weight, too. Awesome! I'm officially 14 lbs down. Sparkpeople says 13 but I was kidding myself when I put 178 as my starting point! Haha!
Saturday, February 02, 2013
I just read my last blog entry. It's crazy how defeated I was then. The yoga that I did that became a regular thing, and honestly the first few days I did it, I cried. My back was in agony. But, after a few days, my pain level decreased from a constant seven to a 5... And then a 3... And just a few days ago, I realized that even my sacroiliac joint no longer even hurts, which has been a constant for almost the past 13 years.
I think this can also be attributed to the fact that my boyfriend and his family just gave me a brand new queen size pillowtop mattress that has been so incredible!
I don't hurt anymore. It's wonderful!
So when I started exercising, I was eating whatever I wanted. The point was to not hurt, not to lose weight at that point. On the 23rd of January, I started actually watching my diet. As of my last blog entry, I was 179. Today I'm 166. Preeetty happy about it.
Had a stomach virus earlier this week, and it left me exhausted and dehydrated and I'm trying to regain my appetite still, so I haven't hit my calorie range in days (I'm in the 900s!) So my workouts have lacked the vigor they had before I got sick, but I'm getting back there! Woo!
Also, a few days ago, my boyfriend complimented my athletic thighs. Score! ;)
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Haven't been here in a while. My last post said that I had hurt my back. Well, it still isn't better, and frustration over me hurting my back every few months and it hurting for several months before getting better for a couple of months SINCE I WAS THIRTEEN led me to find out I may have something called ankylosing spondylitis which is basically arthritis of the spine and leads to inflammation and the eventual fusion of your spine.
I've been really, really depressed about this, so I'm working on trying to get insurance so that I can go to a doctor and get a diagnosis and some prescription strength anti-inflammatory medicine.
Whatever my pain is caused by, it makes it really, really difficult to exercise and sticking to a diet is hard when I'm so depressed and defeated that I can barely move. I've regained a good majority of the weight I lost a few months ago, and I feel so frustrated over it. I ended up cooking Thanksgiving dinner for ~10 people by myself, hurting every minute. I had three cakes to make for three different dinners, all while juggling two toddlers and my elderly father and barely being able to stand up without tears in my eyes.
It hurts to live right now and that's so so so frustrating. It absolutely breaks my heart that I can't pick up these girls and play with them. I can't dance around while holding my daughter. I can't do any of these things. All I want is to feel good, to exercise, to be in shape and to lose weight.
Yesterday I pushed myself and did yoga, and spent most of the 30 minutes of yoga with tears streaming down my face but after that I felt good enough to do 30 minutes of cardio. But right now, I'm hurting, and there are two hungry babies at my feet crying, and I can barely stand to stand up and walk to fix them some oatmeal. I'm so frustrated I'm crying, the exercise is supposed to help the condition that I'm-not-sure-i-have-but-all-signs-point-to
-yes, but right now I'm just sitting here in agony, feeling absolutely miserable and defeated.
I just want to feel better. I want to finish what I started months ago, and I feel absolutely like I can't. You hear people talk about how they can't play with their kids because they're overweight and unhealthy, I eat healthy and I want to exercise so i can play with my kids and I still. Can't. The willpower is there, but the physical ability right now is not.
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